Figuring out the new woman

aggression72

New member
Started dating a woman recently who said she is not interested in a poly household yet maintains some contact with old lovers and describes herself as a slut and I believe is holding onto the feelings she derived through sex with her old lovers.

Just open to anyone's general thoughts. Is she poly? Is she something else? Anyone have a previous experience that's similar and any advice the best way to handle.

Also, I am Dominant and she is submissive and we enjoy BDSM, but this ads a different aspect to the relationship.
 
Lots of mono people still maintain relationships with former lovers. I fail to see what that has to do with anything. Besides, how can anyone here tell you what she is? We don't know her and that's up to her to discover or decide, as long as she is clear about what polyamory means. Some people view being polyamorous as an internal part of their identity. Some (like myself) simply view it as a structure for relationships.
 
a-72,

I would just ask her, in a non-demanding, curious manner.

And by 'contact', do you mean full monty contact or she goes to brunch or chats with them occasionally?

Some people just naturally maintain connection with former lovers. I've never been able to do it myself but lesbians are stereotypically famous for having entire constellations of exes floating around in their lives.
 
Based on your description she sound like a very independent women. Whether poly or not is really up to her to decide.

As a male and new to poly I find that characteristic very appealing for some strange reason. I think as long as the conversation is straight forward and honest, enjoy the chase.
 
Well maybe she doesn't like the idea of feelings yet she enjoys physical contact? I realized for some time that wanting sex and wanting a connection are two different things. I don't like the idea of someone just wanting me around for sex but everyone is different. I also don't want to be clingy in my relationships so, maybe that's a different distinction as well.

I recently told a new interest that I talk too much and to shut me up by kissing me. I said to him, "we don't need to know much about each other do we?" but to my surprise and delight he said I am interested in what you have to say. Though the idea of someone stifling my need to talk by kissing is really interesting to me. :) I think I am just sick of myself, I just want him to adore me no questions asked and that is asking alot. LOL
 
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Can you provide more info, Aggression72? From your question, I don't even know if you are poly yourself and are trying to figure out if this woman's form of dating will mesh with yours, or if you're not poly and are trying to understand what poly is.

My first reaction was that this woman sounds a little bit like me, except that I don't have sex often enough to describe myself as a slut! :)

But like her, I am not at all interested in being part of a poly household, although I want to have some form of dating/relationships with multiple partners. I tend to be more interested in the sexual, rather than emotional, aspects of dating, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

For the last year, I have been struggling with the question "Am I poly?" and I don't know the answer yet.

I also believe very strongly in maintaining contact and/or friendships with old lovers. Depending on the person and my connection with him, the friendship could either be just platonic or still sexual in some way.

From your post, it sounds like you feel that it is a problem that this woman maintains contact with old lovers. Why would that be a problem? It seems condescending to assume that she is "holding onto feelings" about the sex with these former lovers. Perhaps she genuinely feels a bond of friendship with them?

Or perhaps she does maintain sexual relationships with old lovers--what's wrong with that?
 
Another thought: actually, NYCindie, I don't know any monogamous people who maintain contact with old lovers/exes.

In fact, most people I know think an ex is someone who should not be in your life at all. And that even if you had a good relationship with someone, it's "your past" and moving on means having no contact whatsoever. Part of what has drawn me to polyamory is that I find that attitude totally bizarre.

By coincidence, I was just about to post a question / discussion about this very issue, which I will do...
 
As a man it's difficult for me to maintain more than casual contact (emails) with former girlfriends. I just don't have the time. So, if things ended well, I might send them an email every few months. But I don't see them.
 
Another thought: actually, NYCindie, I don't know any monogamous people who maintain contact with old lovers/exes.

In fact, most people I know think an ex is someone who should not be in your life at all. And that even if you had a good relationship with someone, it's "your past" and moving on means having no contact whatsoever. Part of what has drawn me to polyamory is that I find that attitude totally bizarre.

By coincidence, I was just about to post a question / discussion about this very issue, which I will do...

Friends with all my ex-es. Of course, they're all in a different country these days, but when I go back there I do see most of them.
 
Another thought: actually, NYCindie, I don't know any monogamous people who maintain contact with old lovers/exes.

In fact, most people I know think an ex is someone who should not be in your life at all. And that even if you had a good relationship with someone, it's "your past" and moving on means having no contact whatsoever. Part of what has drawn me to polyamory is that I find that attitude totally bizarre.

By coincidence, I was just about to post a question / discussion about this very issue, which I will do...

I am still friends with a couple of my ex's from high school, in particular, my first love. It took a while for me to understand the reality behind our breakup and realize that things would never have worked for us in the long run, but we've kept in touch for the last 14 years and he's finally found the relationship that he's meant to be in.
 
Started dating a woman recently who said she is not interested in a poly household yet maintains some contact with old lovers and describes herself as a slut and I believe is holding onto the feelings she derived through sex with her old lovers.

Just open to anyone's general thoughts. Is she poly? Is she something else? Anyone have a previous experience that's similar and any advice the best way to handle.

Also, I am Dominant and she is submissive and we enjoy BDSM, but this ads a different aspect to the relationship.

there is a difference between being poly and wanting a poly household. Maybe she thinks that you can only be poly if you want to co-habitate with all of your partners, raise kids together, etc. I know that I've been in a successful poly quad for going on 3 years and we don't live together or raise our kids together and we certainly don't plan on having more kids with each other. We only get date night with our female parter once or twice a year as her schedule doesn't leave much room for date nights period (she's an author and has a day job as an editor). Maybe it would be helpful to understand what her definition of poly is and what exactly you are looking for.
 
Started dating a woman recently who said she is not interested in a poly household yet maintains some contact with old lovers and describes herself as a slut and I believe is holding onto the feelings she derived through sex with her old lovers.

Just open to anyone's general thoughts. Is she poly? Is she something else? Anyone have a previous experience that's similar and any advice the best way to handle.

Also, I am Dominant and she is submissive and we enjoy BDSM, but this ads a different aspect to the relationship.

look I am nO expert on being poly, My wife sprung this on me to be honest , and I am still trying to get my head around this.
that being said i do not have to be an expert on poly to know that when a woman likes to refer to herself as a slut or a bitch that means they are trying to attain that name, for themselves and have absolutely no interest in your best interests. mark my words anyone who prides themselves in their own degradation , needs serious help.

that being said < Is there any info for newbies to this polyamorous thing , because Im scared my wife will have a woman over and Ill have a stroke.
 
. . . i do not have to be an expert on poly to know that when a woman likes to refer to herself as a slut or a bitch that means they are trying to attain that name, for themselves and have absolutely no interest in your best interests. mark my words anyone who prides themselves in their own degradation , needs serious help.
This is an ignorant statement. Obviously you have never heard of the book "The Ethical Slut" (about polyamory) and are unaware of the "movement" in recent years to reclaim the word "slut"and turn it around into a positive term to embrace and celebrate one's sexuality and active sex life, in the same way that gay people reclaimed the word "queer."

that being said < Is there any info for newbies to this polyamorous thing , because Im scared my wife will have a woman over and Ill have a stroke.
What, exactly, are you afraid of? I suggest you start your own discussion thread and provide some more details about your relationship if you are seeking advice.
 
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