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-   -   Super Big Problem (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19220)

riftara 12-22-2011 11:18 PM

Super Big Problem
So, I found out today that my birth control wasn't active, and wont be until the 26th.

Ive had unprotected sex then, with F only, on the days I ovulated.

This means a 67-81 % chance of pregnancy.

I have a couple of options, so what do you think I should do.

A - say nothing, avoid sex until Monday when it is active, and deal with a pregnancy if it shows up when it shows up (this keeps everyone happy, well until a positive pregnancy test comes up)

B - tell everyone that there is a possibility, I know F is highly against anything other than regular birthcontrol for stopping a pregnancy, he considers it life from conception. (this would cause a big upset, F would likely loose all trust in me, John would hate me for not having sex with him during this time since he actually wants another kid) and if Im not all these problems will be for naught and cause long term effects in my relationships

C - Say nothing, take precautions to avoid implantation (the morning after pill or a certain concoction of herbs I know), and dont mention it. Ever. To anyone. (well other than this) I know this would be the end of me and F if he found out. But unless it drove me crazy, he would never know. The down side to this is if it doesnt work, I HAVE to have a regular abortion, which would also kill my relationship with F.

so what do I do
A with a negative - hurt no one, lie by omission
A with a positive - possible hurt to everyone, lie by omission or maybe strait out in the answer to how could this have happened
B with a negative - hurt everyone, tell the truth
B with a positive - hurt everyone, tell the truth
C with a negative (either by my actions or a true negative) hurt no one, lie (about what Im taking if nothing else, they watch me closely because of my bi-polar)
C with a positive - hurt everyone, lie, have to go through an abortion, loose my relationship with F

SNeacail 12-22-2011 11:36 PM

B - Tell everyone there is a possibility and make sure to use condoms the rest of the month. All my hormonal BC has always said to wait one full cycle.

Lying can only cause more problems. If F is such a jerk to lose trust in you for misunderstanding a "new" bc method (read it on your blog post), cut him loose, he's not worth it. Did he take any interest to research it and find out about it? No, shame on him!

Will your husband really hate you, even knowing how distraught you are over this whole debacle? Personally I believe that you should tell him first and immediately and tell everyone else tomorrow.

Seriously, most bc have some failure rate, even when you do it exactly right. I was on the pill when my youngest was conceived, I just started the new pack a day late because I couldn't get to the pharmacy on time.

AnnabelMore 12-22-2011 11:38 PM

B. An unwanted pregnancy scare is a part of many/most women's lives. If you can't tell your partners the truth about it and have their support and help through a difficult time, what then is truly the strength of those relationships? Would John really hate you for something that was an accident? Would F really lose all trust for you just for making a crucial decision about your own body, health, and future?

Going through a pregnancy, as I'm sure you know, can be incredibly tough on a woman, both mentally and physically. And bringing a new life into the world is a responsibility that, imho, should be taken on only when the time is right. It's easy for guys to stand by the sidelines and make decisions about what women should do, but they're not the ones who have to carry those choices out, are they? :/

So yeah. I wouldn't blame you for any choice you make, but my vote is for B. If the truth brings trouble, then let it come and see where you are on the other side. Easy for me to say, I know. Good luck.

riftara 12-22-2011 11:44 PM

its only a few months that i have been using it and its 100% different from what Ive taken before, it works from 3 hours after insertion, if you put it in within 3 days of the end of your period, if you dont, it takes 7 days to kick in. I found this out because I was checking to see if there would be any interactions with the pain meds I am on. I put it in as soon as the pharmacy would let me get it. You can also have it out for up to 3 hours without interfering with its protection, so you can take it out if it interferes with sex. Its actually really cool, but everything said it worked from day 1, when it doesnt really, unless you put it in as soon as your period is over.

My first or second month, I skipped a period. That caused all sorts of crap, including a huge fight with F, which is how I know that he considers life from conception.

SNeacail 12-22-2011 11:55 PM


Originally Posted by riftara (Post 117030)
My first or second month, I skipped a period. That caused all sorts of crap, including a huge fight with F, which is how I know that he considers life from conception.

I find it appalling that he would give you this much grief over your struggles with your bc. If he has this big of an issue with when life starts, then it should be him in charge of making sure you DON'T get pregnant, instead of bitching that you didn't do it right. That's just bull shit.

AnnabelMore 12-23-2011 12:10 AM

Seriously. If a guy knows he absolutely can't handle the idea of either a baby or an abortion, he should wear a condom and take some responsibility for trying to control the possible outcomes of piv sex. Ultimately it's up to the female partner and she may not always make the choice he wanted or that either of them even expected.

A good friend of mine ended up being a father when he badly didn't want to be because his fwb, who had sworn she didn't want kids, changed her mind when her bc failed. And you know what that was absolutely her right, because it had been an honest accident (she went on antibiotics and didn't realize what that would do) and at that point she was the one with a potential life growing inside her so she had to be the one to decide.

riftara 12-23-2011 12:23 AM

He got upset because I took precautions - took some herbs that I know in combination will prevent implantation (as I stated in my blog, Im an herbalist)
when I was late but didnt have a positive test. I took them the entire month until I had my period again, and he felt bad for taking me to go get them and not refusing to, since he doesnt believe in abortion.
Now I dont either, after implantation, but in that 2 week period, there are tons of eggs that get to conception but not to implantation. so Im ok with it.

ETA - he didnt stay mad at me or prevent me from taking the herbs.

nycindie 12-23-2011 01:04 AM

It's your body.

Derbylicious 12-23-2011 01:37 AM

Your chances of concieving on any particular cycle are only 20%. I would be honest with your partners about what is going on. There's an 80% chance that it will just be a close call and you'll all know better for next time.

riftara 12-23-2011 01:45 AM

Lets agree, it is my body, and I make the final determination on what happens IF I am pregnant.

My question is more on a should I shut up until it is a problem or freak everyone out and tell them the possibility, which I mean its a possibility every month, and we all know this, but bringing that possibility to light may have long-reaching relationship problems for me which Im not sure if its worth omitting the truth until I find out if I am pregnant or not

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