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-   -   Advice...please (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4347)

gennamoon 11-27-2010 07:26 PM

Hi everyone! I'm not sure if this is where I should be posting my information or not, but I am hoping that someone can point me in the right direction if not. I have been dating a guy for two years now. We have both been married before and for two years prior to him dating me, he basically just had 'hook ups', nothing more. I am more of a relationship short of person, but am very open sexually and am very accepting of other types of relationships. He is very much a flirt and where he works is propositioned a lot by women just looking to have sex. He enjoys 'the chase', but has never done anything more with a woman other than heavy flirting. Over the past few months, I've come to realize that even though we have a fantastic sex life and get a long great that at some point he might want more than just flirting. I was reading an article about a basketball players wife that gives her husband permission for have one fling a year. I've started to wonder if I could do the same thing for my boyfriend. We have talked about having a threesome many, many times...I must admit I'm a tad bi curious and he just recently told me that if I wanted to get a girl on the side when he wasn't around, he would be totally ok with that.

I know this isn't really polyamory because he isn't looking to be in a relationship with anyone because I'm the only person he wants a relationship with and he's not even sure that he would sleep with anyone else even if I gave him permission, but I'm just trying to understand the various types of relationships and what goes into them so that at some point I can make a decision that is very sound. I go back and forth with the whole monogamy thing. Part of me thinks that if you're with someone that you get along with and have fantastic sex with then why be with anyone else; however, I also see where that's sort of old school thinking and I am far from old school. I'm not going to say that I don't wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. I enjoy the chase too, but I know that I'm more wired to be in a relationship rather than anything else.

I've been reading various things on these boards and have found people to be very informative. Again, I know this isn't a polyamory situation, but I'm hoping someone can give me some information to get me in the direction I need to be looking. Thanks :)

mushaboom 11-27-2010 07:44 PM

Have you read The Ethical Slut? It covers polyamory, open relationships, swinging and more. I think it is a great jumping off point.

gennamoon 11-27-2010 07:56 PM

No, I haven't read it. I've been working on an order for amazon for Christmas and have been debating on whether or not to get that book, but was trying to find some good feedback from anyone that has read it. Unfortunately, I have one good friend that I can talk about these things with and that's about it which is why I felt I could try posting on here. Thanks for the recommendation!!!

BTW, I'm a HUGE Feist fan too :)

Raven 11-27-2010 08:14 PM

I'll just say about the Ethical Slut - I bought it myself, and IMO it's not only a great book on things to prepare for and be aware of if you're looking at a polyamorous or more open relationship, it also has a lot of great relationship advice even if you're monogamous. I haven't finished it yet, but I'm working on that lol. :)

gennamoon 11-27-2010 08:24 PM

Well, I guess I will order it on Amazon and make that my Christmas gift to myself so that I can figure all of this out ;) Thank you!!

mushaboom 11-27-2010 09:08 PM

I totally agree with Raven. It is great for source for relationship advice. Lots of good info about communication and I also felt it really helped me to understand more about myself and what I want in my relationship/s in general.

For me (to answer your "why be with anyone else question"), even though I have a great relationship with my husband and we have fantastic sex, a big part of how I relate with people is emotional and sexual and a monogamous relationship limits my ability to connect with the people I care about. I have the capacity to 'control myself' and not cheat but an ethical and loving open relationship seems ideal to me. My partner and I are still in the first boundary defining stages, so most of this is all in theory, lol.

What other questions are you pondering?

(And yes, Feist rocks! :))

gennamoon 11-27-2010 11:42 PM

I'm honestly not sure what questions I have. Like I mentioned, my boyfriend in the past has been able to have just one time flings and it just be strictly about sex whereas I can't do that. For whatever reason when he met me (two years ago), he didn't pursue that type of relationship with me. We have a really good friendship and a fantastic sex life, but I know the idea of me being the only person he will ever be able to have sex with is sort of suffocating to him. About a few months ago, I felt the same way to a point. I have had a problem in the past when the sex gets routine and comfortable, I begin wondering about other people. I guess right now I have a lot of insecurities because I am very, VERY confident about myself in the bedroom which is why I'm having a hard time understanding why him wanting to potentially sleep with another; even if it's just once a year, baffles me. I'm pretty sure I mentioned that he told me that knowing that I'm reading about this and trying to become knowledgeable about it with me possibly considering it is enough. I also mentioned that he said if I would say it was ok, he isn't sure he would even do anything about it. It's the knowing that he has permission that would make him happy. My boyfriend is one of those guys that just likes knowing that he could if he wanted to. He has his own set of insecurities, but is far better at covering them up then I am and I think that girls propositioning him keeps his insecurities at bay.

I guess I just wonder how something like this works? I tell him down the road, go ahead and have one or two flings a year; then what? What types of rules are set up? The other thing is, once a person is with someone else and they come back to their primary relationship how do things just go back to normal? I don't know if I would be jealous or not. I can understand certain situations where this type of relationship would work. One of the women that has propositioned him is married and her husband travels ALL the time so this is the arrangement him and her have since they are never together. I can see where that arrangement would work, but him and I see each other almost daily. We live right around the corner from each other. I also wonder if a threesome might be a better route to go since I am bi curious and could be a part of it?

Again, I know this isn't polyamory, but I'm not sure where else to go to ask for insight. I appreciate the responses ;)

redpepper 11-28-2010 06:18 PM

The ethical slut is a great book for some but be warned giving it to someone who is not interested in open relationships of any kind. It doesn't go over well in my experience. There is discussion on some really great books in the stickies "book reccomendstions."

I would suggest giving it to him for Christmas. I'm not sure why you are doing all the work to be okay with this new possibility and he isn't. He has more work to do around this than you I think. Speaking as the one in my relationships who is with two men who don't have other partners, just me, I have a shit load of work to do to make sure that nothing goes a miss and I am making sure my attention is directed approriately. He has a lot to learn before he ventures out and fucks someone else. The whole world can change after that, I think he needs to be prepared for that likely reality as much as you do.

Quite often there is a huge shift when we give our bodies to someone else. The vulnerablity of sex with others is huge and I think shouldn't be taken lightly. It can be normalized and is sometimes not as big a deal for some over others, but one doesn't know until they are in it and its happened. I mean let's face it, would this forum be as frequented if we all could blow off the connection that we as humans have to sex with others and the connection it brings? Maybe on swinging sites that happens, but something tells me that on sites like those (having never been and found out) that sexual energy is internalized and turned into fun rather than connection.
I think its great you are discovering this FOR you man, but I think he needs to discover it for you too. I think it time he was more involved in this process. To me, to not do so would be na´ve and risky.

gennamoon 11-28-2010 07:47 PM

Thank you for response RP. Before I say anything in response I would just like to say I've been reading your blog on here and have been completely enthralled (not sure if that's the right word, but it's the one that just came into my head ;)). I'm not even halfway through yet because I'm a single mom of two girls that is finishing up my first semester in college after a ten year hiatus so reading for 'fun' isn't something that has been very easy for me lately. From what I've read so far, you are a really strong lady that sounds like me in a way...trying to make sure everyone is taken care of, but sometimes forgetting to take care of ourselves. A friend of mine once told me my best and worst quality was putting everyone ahead of myself. It can be quite the curse.

This is something that was never brought to the table by my boyfriend. I brought up this whole 'open' relationship over the summer. I think I shocked him when I said that I had started reading about this. I think that if all he could do was flirt and just know that there were women out there that would be physically involved with him other than me that is enough for him. He knows that this is something I'm trying to explore as a possibility and if I decide it's not for me; it's off the table which is why I'm trying to get information with the intention that if I choose to go a new route he would have to do his share of information seeking also. The difference between him and I (and this is what I'm struggling with) is that I cannot see myself having sex with someone and then calling it a day with no sort of attachment whatsoever. No matter how hard I have tried in the past with relationships that had gone past their expiration, there was always an attachment there. I don't know if it's a gender difference or what, but I just can't see where I would ever get to a point where I would be ok with meaningless sex. I know that he could and that our sex life would continue to be meaningful because we have a foundation of friendship above all else. I will admit that in most of my relationships about a year in I start to get bored and begin spinning my wheels as to why that is. Some of that I think has to do with the sex life becoming 'boring'. In my reading so far, I'm questioning on whether or not finding a third (a girl) that we could form a friendship that could be physical occasionally might be the way to go, but I worry about jealousy on my end.

Ok, so I'm totally rambling here, LOL. I'm trying to make sense out of my brain right now so that I can make a solid, informed decision so that I can talk to him further down the road to see if it's something he would be interested learning more about and possibly pursuing.

nycindie 11-28-2010 11:05 PM

Having sex with an additional partner or even a one-night stand doesn't necessarily have to be meaningless. I've had solitary, so-called casual sexual experiences with people that were very loving, healing, and meaningful, even though I knew I'd never see them again. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and open and giving of more than just my body, perhaps because I knew our time together would be finite and that allowed me to risk. I look back and remember one of those experiences and my heart expands just thinking of that person. I feel love toward him, despite the distance in years and the fact we were only intimate once (well, one night) and did not even know each other very well. And I've had long-term relationships in which I was supposedly in love, and the sex was great but somewhat lacking in any real heart connection. It all depends on the people involved.

Whenever anything has meaning for us, it is because we ascribe meaning to it. It just may never have been your experience to have a sexual encounter for one time only and make it meaningful. All sex really is, is a way to communicate and connect with someone. Sometimes it's better if there are other ways in which you and that person connect, sometimes the sex is all you need. I think it is possible to touch a person's heart via the physical.

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