I can't believe this happened..

DharmaBum23

New member
Well, I went to a festival in upstate New York where there was a woman that I had been talking to in advance.

She had shown interest in me in the past two weeks since we had met online but I was uncertain and didn't make any promises as we hadn't met yet.

I spent time with her the first day I arrived and realized very quickly that dating her was a terrible idea. The reason being is that she is, by her own admission, very high maintenance(like middle of the night phone calls for obscure emotional reasons on a routine basis) and she lives over 10 hours away. So, I gently(but directly) told her this and she seemed to accept it.

Then she started insinuating that she wanted to have sex with me. As a core part of my relationship agreement is that we have to be seeing someone for three months before sex happened I, at first, steered the conversation away from that. Then she became more blatant about her requests for sex. I became absolutely crystal clear about the fact that I did not want to have sex with her at that point or any other point and explained why. She was irritated and petulant but she accepted it at first.

The evening progressed and she asked me to walk her to her tent. I had done a very intense stage performance about an hour or so before and, to be blunt, was extremely out of it(I am still a little hoarse and this happened two days ago).

Once we got to her tent she invited me in for a moment and I said that I didn't think that was a good idea. She reassured me that it was a good idea and gently pulled me into the tent against my protest. Then after asking me to take my shoes off she lunged at me. I said again and again that I didn't want to be intimate with her and she tried to pull me down on top of her.

After pushing her off of me more than once she laid down limp on the floor of the tent and I left.

I know that it was really stupid to go into her tent, but in my own defense I told her vaguely on some occasions and in great detail on one occasion(not 5 hours beforehand) that I did not want to have sex with her and would not want to have sex with her at any point in the future.

I ended up leaving the festival early because I realized that at this point she wasn't respecting my statement that I wasn't going to have sex with her and that by being there I was(in her mind at least) consenting to having sex with her. I informed the organizers of what was going on and left immediately thereafter.

I feel very fragile and tired right now. I feel stupid for having gone to this event, I feel stupid for being nice to this woman in any way, and I feel triply stupid for thinking that me saying no had any weight at all and going into that damned tent. My only comfort right now is that I honored the relationship agreement with my primary.
 
Women like this exist. And for them, sex is a big boost. They rarely get refused because, honestly, most men won't say no.

Don't feel stupid, why do you feel guilt because she didn't get it. Don't be the victim be proud of your own resolution.
 
Women like this exist. And for them, sex is a big boost. They rarely get refused because, honestly, most men won't say no.

Don't feel stupid, why do you feel guilt because she didn't get it. Don't be the victim be proud of your own resolution.

Thank you.

Early in the process, when she first started circling, a friend who knew her said that she had never really been told "no" before and she didn't know what to do.

And you are right. I'm still lagging a bit in my internal rephrasing(not changing the events, but changing my view of the events). I guess part of me thinks that I wasn't clear enough. But then I remind myself that I couldn't have been any more clear. It isn't that she didn't get it. It's that she got it and just didn't care.

Also, I made sure to remove any ability she had to contact me.
 
Nothing for you to be ashamed of here, quite the opposite actually.

Crazy people will be crazy. You can't help that fact of life. This woman was convinced you were going to sleep with her, and was willing to ignore everything you had repeatedly told her to make it happen, when it was clearly against your wishes and desires. This shows a completel lack of respect for you and your SO in my mind, and the fact that she tried to manipulate you after you dumped so much energy and emotion into doing something like a stage show tells me that this person really has no scruples to speak of.

You, on the other hand, thought everything through from the point at which you met this woman face to face, made a responsible decision about her, and stuck to both your decision and you and your SOs rules, even in a moment when you were not at your 100% best. Well done, sir. (Umm.. I think you're a 'sir', anyway:D ).

Seriously, you should treat yourself to a good thick steak and an expensive beer, simply for dealing with this mess the way you did.
 
You are one of the good guys in the world.
Thank You.
 
For anyone who reads this, reverse the gender roles. A lightbulb is sure to go off. All of your feelings stem from having been *sexually assaulted*. Yes, men can be sexually assaulted too. Your experience is a case in point. If a female had written the original post, I'm quite sure the replies would be along different lines.

You have some healing from assault trauma to work through. Whatever your feelings are, you have to write them out, honor them, take them seriously. You were the victim of a sexual assault, plain and simple.

Immaterial
 
Co-Sign

For anyone who reads this, reverse the gender roles. A lightbulb is sure to go off. All of your feelings stem from having been *sexually assaulted*. Yes, men can be sexually assaulted too. Your experience is a case in point. If a female had written the original post, I'm quite sure the replies would be along different lines.

You have some healing from assault trauma to work through. Whatever your feelings are, you have to write them out, honor them, take them seriously. You were the victim of a sexual assault, plain and simple.

Immaterial



I was LITERALLY just about to make this exact response. Just because the gender roles are reversed means nothing, this woman made a blatant attempt to rape you. If you had not been strong enough to get her off of you, or if the gender roles were reversed, this could be a very different thread altogether. Because even if a woman got the man off of her, the entire thread would still be encouraging her to press charges I'm sure.... I guess the important thing is that you got out of the tent... but seriously, whatever you feel about the situation, you are 100% justified in feeling it...
 
For anyone who reads this, reverse the gender roles. A lightbulb is sure to go off. All of your feelings stem from having been *sexually assaulted*. Yes, men can be sexually assaulted too. Your experience is a case in point. If a female had written the original post, I'm quite sure the replies would be along different lines.

You have some healing from assault trauma to work through. Whatever your feelings are, you have to write them out, honor them, take them seriously. You were the victim of a sexual assault, plain and simple.


Well, I feel, to be honest, a little crazy.

First of all, sex feels all wierd and dirty to me right now. Even the most romantic "love making" type experiences feel like sex on an alley wall with a prostitute. I feel the physical desire for sex but at the same time it repulses me.

It is very hard not to feel emasculated("a Real Man would have just gone in with a woohoo and gotten laid, dude") but I'm mostly managing. I think that part of this is because of the extreme anger that I'm feeling right now. I wish that I wasn't so angry. I not only can't hold her in compassion but I can't even hold her in indifference right now. I just want to lash out at someone, anyone. I have to keep reminding myself that the people I see on a day to day basis, my coworkers, my SO, her OSO, friends, even the people here, had no part in what happened and so they are not at all deserving of my anger.

Since it happened I can't help but feel like it was my fault somehow. Maybe I should have been more clear that not avoiding her didn't mean I wanted to have sex with her. Maybe I shouldn't be looking for another girlfriend, maybe I shouldn't be with the girlfriend I have, maybe I should just push away all of this damned desire for sex and cuddling and affection.

I sometimes think(much like I thought at the moment) that it would have been so much easier just to let it happen.

I feel like I'm being a drama whore by even thinking about this, much less talking about it. I feel like I should be over this, like it shouldn't be a big deal. I *won*. I got out of the tent. My penis did not go into her vagina. But I feel like I lost in a big way.

I'm going to a monthly support group this Sunday although, to be honest, it terrifies me. I'm scared that people are going to not get it, make snide remarks, or treat me poorly. Usually that would be no big deal. Now it is.
 
Aww, thanks for sharing so openly and vulnerably. It's totally understandable to me you'd feel violated, like your boundaries have been crossed big time. No wonder you feel turned off to touch w even your SO right now.

Take you time and feel your feelings. They will pass eventually, if you don't ignore them now.
 
Aww, thanks for sharing so openly and vulnerably. It's totally understandable to me you'd feel violated, like your boundaries have been crossed big time. No wonder you feel turned off to touch w even your SO right now.

Take you time and feel your feelings. They will pass eventually, if you don't ignore them now.

TY. The thing that is wierd is that I want touch and don't at the same time. It's like craving something that you feel very deeply is wrong. The closest thing I can compare it to is if you were in a monog relationship and you had a crush on your best friend's SO. The want is there but the whole thing feels filthy and wrong. At the moment, the world is my best friend's SO.
 
I hope you can get past the "sex" part of all this and get to a place where it's not about sex, but about control. Someone tried to control you and make you do something you didn't want to do. The "sex" part was just part of the specifics. If someone had tried to steal your identity and make purchases in your name, you would have also been violated, but would going shopping still be unpleasant?

Maybe that's simplifying it a bit too much, but I'm really trying to offer you a way of coping by mentally compartmentalizing certain things. In a way, it is a piss-poor analogy because I don't like shopping even though I have never been traumatized by it.

Please disregard this advice if you feel that it won't help.
 
I hope you can get past the "sex" part of all this and get to a place where it's not about sex, but about control. Someone tried to control you and make you do something you didn't want to do. The "sex" part was just part of the specifics. If someone had tried to steal your identity and make purchases in your name, you would have also been violated, but would going shopping still be unpleasant?

Maybe that's simplifying it a bit too much, but I'm really trying to offer you a way of coping by mentally compartmentalizing certain things. In a way, it is a piss-poor analogy because I don't like shopping even though I have never been traumatized by it.

Please disregard this advice if you feel that it won't help.

Hey, thank you(no sarcasm, seriously). That is something that I can work towards and it actually helps me to make sense of it a little more. I have to work a little harder at this part because I have always had an uneasy relationship with anything sex related in the first place. This is very helpful, TY.
 
She had shown interest in me in the past two weeks since we had met online but I was uncertain and didn't make any promises as we hadn't met yet.



..... Then after asking me to take my shoes off she lunged at me. I said again and again that I didn't want to be intimate with her and she tried to pull me down on top of her.

After pushing her off of me more than once she laid down limp on the floor of the tent and I left.

I feel very fragile and tired right now. I feel stupid for having gone to this event, I feel stupid for being nice to this woman in any way, and I feel triply stupid for thinking that me saying no had any weight at all and going into that damned tent. My only comfort right now is that I honored the relationship agreement with my primary.

not... i repeat NOT YOUR FAULT. in any way. you were NOT stupid for going to the event... you wanted to go and you were meeting with sumbody with whom you were interested in exploring the possibilities with.
NOT your fault for going into the tent. you made your intentions clear before and again just before going into the tent as did she.
NOT your fault that she was misleading in her intentions and LUNGED at you.
NOT your fault you had to PUSH HER OFF YOU.
NOT your fault that SHE made the choice to try to FORCE herself onto you and FORCE you onto her...
YOU WERE NOT STUPID. you had suspicions, with no confirmations AND you did the smartest thing possible afterward in that you recognized she was "unstable' with you there and you took yourself out of that bad situation. you made the right choice.
you were not stupid at any point.
it is not your fault nor does it make you stupid if she is not willing to accept your intentions and statements and chooses to bluntly ignore them!
got it...? so STOP that thinking RIGHT NOW!
and by the way....
(((hugs))))) <-- you sound like you need that.
 
The words that I have found to explain how past sexual abuse (even attempts of sexual abuse) made me feel is that they took my face away. What I mean by this is I was no longer a person. They saw me as a vessell to achieve they're own self indulgent satisfaction. This to me right here is what made me feel the most dirty. Not what actually happened, but that there are people walking this earth that are okay with making others sub human for their own... So they can get off. It just makes me feel nasty. It makes my skin crawl knowing these people exist. I have the same issues with touch to this day. I want it yet sometimes it still freaks me out when someone is getting what I feel is too much pleasure from what I am doing. Even just cuddling or twirling hair and I will back off. What I have found that helps me with my issue is I need them to see ME. The person behind my face. If they have their eyes closed when I have a moment I just say their name so they look at me and I see the recognition that they know I'm there. I know it must sound weird. But my best advice is to keep writing and talking. When you find the right words to define what happened inside of you because of it you will find some peace and you will also know what it is that you need to heal inside of you. And the anger is a natural part of being violated. It will die down as you continue to process this.
 
Last edited:
not... i repeat NOT YOUR FAULT. in any way.
....
got it...? so STOP that thinking RIGHT NOW!
and by the way....
(((hugs))))) <-- you sound like you need that.

TY. I am feeling better. It's just a lot to process.

What I mean by this is I was no longer a person. They saw me as a vessell to achieve they're own self indulgent satisfaction. This to me right here is what made me feel the most dirty. Not what actually happened, but that there are people walking this earth that are okay with making others sub human for their own... So they can get off. It just makes me feel nasty. It makes my skin crawl knowing these people exist. But my best advice is to keep writing and talking. When you find the right words to define what happened inside of you because of it you will find some peace and you will also know what it is that you need to heal inside of you. And the anger is a natural part of being violated. It will die down as you continue to process this.

I think that's the part that really bothers me. It isn't that she didn't understand what I was saying, that I was obtuse or unclear. It's just that she didn't care. At all. Period. The rules of my relationship, my feelings, thoughts, none of it. She only cared about what she wanted. About getting control over me to get as much out of me as she could.
 
For anyone who reads this, reverse the gender roles. A lightbulb is sure to go off. All of your feelings stem from having been *sexually assaulted*. Yes, men can be sexually assaulted too. Your experience is a case in point. If a female had written the original post, I'm quite sure the replies would be along different lines.

You have some healing from assault trauma to work through. Whatever your feelings are, you have to write them out, honor them, take them seriously. You were the victim of a sexual assault, plain and simple.

Immaterial

That's EXACTLY what I was thinking. She was wrong on SO many levels....
 
Everyone has posted good advice, thoughts, and truths. You will get past it, and you were not wrong, she was. BUT - I'm going to risk being unpopular and see it from her side for a second. I know a lot of women like her, and have been in this situation numerous times. Someties I 'escaped', sometimes I went long with it, sometimes I didn't excape and realized that I was in fact the victim of female/male rape. Personally, my own frame of mind allows me to not be all that messed up by that, but that makes ME weird, not anyone else, lol. ANyway -

She's probably the victim of sexual abuse and/or assault herself. She's probably been objectified more than most for numerous reasons - many her own fault, but the attitude that her self worth is tied to her sexuality is a strong one. And she probably truly can't comprehend a guy that will say 'no' to an attractive and sexually aggressive female; very few will.

I bet if you find a way to empathize with her position, you'll find it easy to forgive, and a LOT easier to get over it. Somewhere in there, she thought she was doing something nice for you, she really did, regardless of how misguided and selffish her primary reasons.

FWIW...
 
quote[ I have to work a little harder at this part because I have always had an uneasy relationship with anything sex related in the first place ] quote

After reading this I understand why this is hitting you so hard. This problem runs deeper then just this one encounter. I would like to incurage you to seek help. You really need to find out where these feelings are coming from. You need to come to peace with them before you can truly come to peace with your self.
I wish you the best of luck. It is horrible what she did to you, but it truly sounds like a deeper problem.
 
Good points made here men (and women- but so good to see the guys support eachother). Very progressive and enlightened views on sexual assault and personal responsibility.

Dharma, you were neither responsible for this women's behavior nor dishonest in feeding her expectations of what may/may not happen. You should really be proud that you have ethics and the character to honor your agreements with SO. She displayed weird, Fatal Attraction behaviors, and was not only disrespectful but kind of stalkerish. I don't know you but I am really proud of the way you handled the situation. I hope you can work thru this asap and allow your SO in to help you with regaining your ability to be intimate.
 
Back
Top