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-   -   New and Scared (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10654)

Bangel 06-06-2011 02:12 PM

New and Scared
Hello all,
New to this whole thing and frieghtened to no end. My wife of 4 years has recently told me that she is in love with my bestfriend who lives upstairs from us and he is in love with her. I am a mono person so this is very hard for me. She would like to start to have a relationship with him and keep our marrage at the same time. I am having all the normal feelings of fear, being jealous, anger, aloneness, and if I am enough for her. I will admit I have not made things easy for any of us. I have had issues with controlling my emotions of late whcich have put stain on our marrage. I do not want this but she keeps telling me this would be the best for all of us. I have not spoken to my best friend in a week because I feel that if he was my friend he would have stepped away. Maybe my emotions getting the best of me again. I am scared that my marrage is falling apart. I love my wife with all of my heart and to think of her with another man breaks it even more. I am looking for advice and counseling. I do not want to lose my wife but nor do I want to share her with some one else. Please help!!!!!!!!

Carma 06-06-2011 02:38 PM

My husband and I found ourselves in a similar situation. We tried fighting my feelings for several years. Finally we agreed to open our marriage to his best friend last October. It's had its grueling moments, and there were times we both thought we would divorce. But as of today, it's working out very well. Some of the initial emotional shock has worn off and we feel very stable in our marriage. I have had the chance to love someone who grew to mean so much to me, while keeping our marriage and our family intact. The fact that my husband loved me enough to let this be possible -- wow, it makes me love him all the more!

The beginning is H-A-R-D. There are so many things to work through -- setting boundaries, being brutally honest, it is ridiculously difficult. In my opinion it's been worth it, and I know my husband is happy we are still together. He still wishes I could have stayed monogamous, but he accepts the love I have in my heart for his friend. Bonus -- it has brought him and his friend closer too.

Watch "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid." We've sort of modeled our whole V after the relationship in the movie!

Good luck, and stick with the forum -- there are people here who can help get you through anything.

Bangel 06-06-2011 03:13 PM

I guess what I do not understand is what makes this so wonderful? What does everyone get out of this? What is the benefits? For someone like me who is mono it just seems like cheating with permission. I am in no way knocking this I am just trying to understand. I have asked them numerous times but they both seem to be getting iratated with me saying that they are just repeating themselves. They say there would be more love for everyone but from my perspective it seems that I would lose the time and affection from my wife now that I am sharing her with someone else. I am by no means saying that this is not a possability I am just trying to understand how this all works. I would imagine it works differently with everyone and sometime may not work at all. Thank you for your insight and appreciate any more that you might have seeing as you have been in a similar situation.

Carma 06-06-2011 03:54 PM

For us the benefit was we did not get a divorce. Because the feelings I had were too strong to fight -- I tried, for 4 years. But I did NOT stop loving my husband, so losing him, and our family, would have been just as awful as denying my love for the other man. I couldn't bear to choose either one, and I felt ripped in two.

I never thought there could be a third option -- yes, "having my cake and eating it too" -- but my husband loves me so much he thought I deserved to!

Of course the benefits do seem to be more mine than my husband's. I guess the fact that I recognize that, and I'm extremely grateful to him for it, means he gets my gratitude and appreciation, multiplied!

He admires my big heart. He knows I went into this because I cared so much, because my heart was bleeding for this man, and I was overwhelmed with compassion for him. My boyfriend has been through a lot the past 4 years, and we (my husband and I both) watched and suffered along with him. I truly felt "called" to love him, to help heal him (yes, "sexual healing" included!;)) and I couldn't be happy knowing he wasn't. My husband knows me, and he gets that.

My self-esteem is boosted, knowing that I am sexy and desirable to two men who find me beautiful and capable of loving them wholeheartedly. That in turn makes me feel more sexy, which in turn leads to... more sex, and a happy hubby!

We joke and laugh a lot about the unconventional life we are living. We are proud of ourselves, for being so daring to try this out. We have a "little secret" but it is not mine alone, as an affair would be. This is something we share. Weird, I know, but still bonding in a strange way.

And poly means there is no need for cheating, because of the honesty. "Cheating with permission"? How can that still be "cheating," at all? Maybe think of it as "loving, with permission." Then take that a step further and see how silly that is, in the first place: who has the right to give anyone "permission" to LOVE? Love is a right, not a privilege. It's the way sex and love intertwine that gets everything all mixed up. I must admit, we're not there yet, either -- it is still a struggle. Sometimes my husband is ok with the sexual nature of my other relationship, but not the emotional part. Then other times he's freaked out by both. "Friends with benefits" is a difficult balance to keep.

I guess I'm repeating myself but the greatest benefit to my husband is he didn't lose the wife he loves. He thinks I'm worth it. Only you can decide how far you are willing to go to keep your wife. It will take a TON of work and sacrifice, but if she's worth it you should try.

Bangel 06-06-2011 04:26 PM

Was your husband always so willing to let you have this freedom or did he have issues with it? If he did how did you overcome these issues? I have never really been a secure person to begin with and right now even less so. I have so much fear of the future now, I could see the future in my own mind and it was beautiful, now it seems cloudy and unclear. I find myself comparing me to him wondering if he is better than me, is he a better fit for her. I guess these are all normal concerns or feelings but I have got to tell you I don't like them at all. I do want her to be happy, her happiness is my happiness. I am worried about my happiness in this. I know my friend will be happy because he has no one else. I have watched this relationship grow infront of my eyes even when they did not know what was happening, and I was jealous of it then when they said it was nothing and I was just over reacting. I am just not sure if I am strong enough to do this. Where does the strength come from to over come all these negative emotions?

Flower 06-06-2011 09:54 PM

same boat...sorta

I hear you and feel such sympathy for you...my heart is breaking to pieces and yet my husband has "found" anyone yet. He wants to be open to look. I suppose if it was my best friend it would be a double edged sword...you loose two meaningful people.

My future is a white wall of nothing now...when not to long ago we were making plans for when the kids leave...don't lose you're self...I feel like I'm slipping away...let's not do that and just decide what's best for us the way they have.


Bangel 06-07-2011 03:27 PM

Thank you for your sympathy. I wish there was an easy fix to this but I love her so much and last night we had a long talk with alot of tears from both of us. I think she now realizes how much pain this is causing me. I know she is in pain to. We need to figure out how to make this work. She knows how I feel and now I am leaving it up to her. I never thought it would hurt like this. I am so afraid of the NRE with them that I think I will get lost or forgotten. Need to know how to deal with these feelings.

Bangel 06-08-2011 05:14 PM

Having a bad day mind is racing again, I have such anger towards the friend that I do not know if our friendship will last. Strange thing is the wife has been spending alot of time with me and not alot with him. Do not know if she is trying to prove that I am still important to her or what, a little confused. I do know they spend lunch together almost every day during the week. To be a fly on the wall to know what they talk about. Is it me? Is it the situation? Are they ploting to get rid of the Mono. (Paranoid Much) Has there been any Poly/Mono relationships where if it did not work out the Poly stays with the Mono? I would gues not do to the nature of the relationship. I would imagine that the Poly would stay with the partner that accepts this life style. Sorry for the rambling but just having a bad day.

River 06-08-2011 11:31 PM


Originally Posted by Bangel (Post 84851)
I guess what I do not understand is what makes this so wonderful? What does everyone get out of this? What is the benefits? For someone like me who is mono it just seems like cheating with permission.

Well, Bangel, your introduction to the topic was far from ideal! Far better would have been a discussion of the subject prior to your wife falling in love with your best friend! I can't imagine more difficult ways to begin to explore the poly world.

That said, I do think polyamory is wonderful and that there are many, many benefits to poly as contrasted with monogamy. One benefit is that for most human beings, variety really is the spice of life. I hope it's also obvious that one can ruin a good soup by over-spicing it. (Which reminds me..., heh, did you know that the plural of spouse is spice?) It is my opinion that non-monogamy is far more innate and natural for us humans than monogamy -- though we've all had the reverse pounded into us from since we were knee high to a grasshopper. So, as I see it, polyamory is one of the best ways to be honest and express our true nature as human beings.

I don't believe real human loving is either possessive or essentially fearful in quality. Quite the opposite, really. So, as I see it, the practice of polyamory is a sort of spiritual practice which deepens both our experience of and understanding about love. (This view, of course, contrasts sharply with much of religion, but so what?)

It's crucial that we understand how intensely conditioned we've been by the conventional monogmistic notions of love we were raised up within, and stay mindful of this fact while we ride the waves of emotion which inevitably come up as we deal with situations like yours. Monogamy is our culture's "default setting" for notions of love, but that's no excuse for resentment or anger or fearful demands and expectations. These feelings may come up, but
you are now challenged with finding tenderness and love despite them, beyond them. You don't have to choose the poly life. It isn't something that can be imposed upon you. But you can take these apparent lemons and add some honey and water and make some lemonaide. Sometimes love requires us to face seemingly insurmountable hurdles which can deepen our love beyond measure, if we allow it.

River 06-08-2011 11:42 PM


Originally Posted by Bangel (Post 85299)
Having a bad day mind is racing again, I have such anger towards the friend that I do not know if our friendship will last.

What I'm about to say, Bangel, may seem absurd to you, even cruel. But I'm going to say it anyway, because I think it is true -- and because I think it is good medicine.

You've probably never in your life so needed to love yourself fully as you need this now. You really need to give yourself unquestioned, unpremeditated and utterly unconditional love now. I mean, harbor not a fraction of a second of doubt about your worth. Do not entertain thoughts of "I'm less; I'm not good enough... (etc.)".

It does not perhaps seem to be so, but you could make of this situation a great opportunity for rapid healing and growth, and much more love in your life.

You can forgive your friend, forgive your wife, forgive yourself, and have a glorious heart-expansion that will reveal dimentions of love you've never imagined possible.

Please keep this in mind and heart over the coming days.

We're with you in love.

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