New & Unsure

CandiGurl

New member
Hello!
I am looking for a lil advice.
First, I'd like to say that I have thought about being in a three-person relationship before, but I always thought that we would sorta find each other at close times in life. Whether I was with someone shortly, or I met a couple that was just starting out and we just sorta all fell in love together.

Perhaps this was a bit naiive.

I met a girl about a week ago, I only know her online, but she seems very interested in me. I have no problems with the fact that she and her partner are older then me. I do however have a problem with the fact that they have been together for most of their life (well, able to date life anyways) And they have 4 children together.

I am honoured that they are both interested, and I understand why they wish to add another woman to their relationship. (It's personal and I don't think important to share).

I really like her and her partner, but it does concern me that they have had a life together for so long. They have a very strong bond, and grew and matured together, things I haven't done. I think I feel a lil bit like an intruder.

I guess I don't see how I could form as strong a bond with either of them, and I am also afraid that I will just fall into step with them and not grow on an individual level.

Any thoughts or advice would be helpful.
I know that I am still getting to know them, and it isn't serious, but I can see how much she wants it to be.
 
All very good things to be concerned about. All valid. There have been many who have tread this path before you. Perhaps doing a search on here for similar stories will help. Do a tag search for unicorn, unicorns, triads, secondaries... there is a lot of info out there that hopefully will be helpful. Happy reading and good luck :)
 
While you have fears of feeling as an intruder, I'm sure the wife has fears of her own, and the husband as well.

It's a huge adjustment for everyone involved!!

I hope it works out for you guys!
 
Hi and welcome

Gather up all your concerns and move forward in baby steps, addressing each one as it logically comes up.

Good luck
 
Thankyou for the welcomes!
I wasn't even sure of those terms, and knowing them makes it a lot easier to find information :)

I think it will be baby steps, she had a bad relationship with the last girl they met, and I've had bad experiences all around so slow & steady sounds good to me!

It's also a bit of a relief to SEE a site like this, it's really awesome to see so many open-minded people. I hadn't even thought there was really anyone else who thought a triad would work until I met this girl online. So, I am very imrpessed! And also feeling a little silly, of course I am not the only one :p
 
Ditto the baby steps. It usually takes time to develop a strong bond with anyone. Couples who've been together forever and have kids don't necessarily take longer to bond with. If they communicate well with each other and are on the same page, they may very well bond quicker than an emotionally conflicted single!
 
Ah! I do feel much better after reading a lot of the stories on here!
Also, from what she has told me, and just regular old reading between the lines, they are very excellent at communicating, and I know, to me and many others that is very important!

I am very willing to take time!
And I love this site! It's like a little community :cool:
 
I love this site! It's like a little community :cool:

Welcome!! This is an awesome site and very supportive community!! Good luck and keep sharing!!!
 
Hi Candi,

Kudos to you for thinking & researching ahead ! Yeaaaaaaaaaaa !

Although Jade alluded to the fact that because they are a couple, that doesn't mean they will automatically take longer to bond with (which I agree with), there WILL be certain practical realities that WILL take some time.

Probably the biggest concerns and complications we hear from new people coming into an existing relationship revolve around practical things. Often the new person feels left out, slighted, inconsidered in decision making processes etc. Much of this is NOT intentional, but it can be hard to not take it personally.

It's critical to understand that living your life (practical as well as emotional) as a two-some is very different than living it as a 'more-some'. It's just a new (for most) and different skill set ! And like any new skill, it takes time and practice.

I'd recommend (as others have) taking it slow, don't build up unreasonable expectations and keep the topic on the table that this is new for everyone and new feelings are going to arise, new practical complications may surface and to all cut each other a little slack in figuring out how to deal with them. Cross one bridge at a time - with a smile on your face and a hug (or more) on the other side. :)

GS
 
Thankyou for the kind advice GS!
Yes, I am very much looking forward to getting to know them, and their family.
And anything worth having is not easy!
*salutes*
I will do my best, and I may just leave a post here & there every step of the way! :D
 
Hi Welcome...I am pretty new to the site too and am thankful for it, as it provides a great sounding board when the navigation of an "Its Complicated" relationship status becomes difficult.

I would be the equivalent to the wife on the other side in your situation. My hubby and I have been together forever....since I was 19. We have never cheated on each other and decided recently that maybe, just maybe, you were NOT suppose to F*** the same person for your entire life! So, we asked a friend of mine if she was interested...and um, 3 months later, apparently she was!

She, C, always claims that she is the 'interloper', the 'intruder' and claims that she feels left out of decisions. Sometimes claims that she feels like she is walking on egg shells so that she doesn't piss me off, ie, wanting alone time with the hubby.

Something that seems to come up again and again, is the fact that we are such close girlfriends (no kidding!!), and she knows me well. Maybe toooo well. She picks up little nuances in my behaviour and my actions, when my words were never spoken. Ironically she has a pretty good success rate of reading me. Note to self: must practice poker face!!

This week we have all agreed to have an actual "Communication Meeting" once per week in order to flush out some of the realities and clear the imagination cache! So I would highly recommend this for your new triad as well.

The highs are sooooo high....and the lows are soooo low. Be prepared and do what you can to avoid some of the pitfalls that we have gone through.
Good luck!
 
Sounds like you have a bit in common with her, PollyPocket :)

I am still in the process of just getting to know her, I think if her husband and I had a relationship it will come second. I know that is what she wants though, she talks about it hypothetically fairly frequently.

Although I am not there yet, I can understand her feeling that way, especially if you were friends with her first. I'd relate it a lil bit to moving in with a close friend, we thought it'd be really easy, because we knew each other so well, but we also knew how to piss each other off. Which is of course the oppposite side of any relationship!

That does make sense that 3 means 3 times more fun, and 3 times more pain.

This site helps a lot, and I don't know about all of you, but as this is very new for me, I haven't really spoken about it with many of my friends. I have in the past, metioned it somewhat hypothetically, and I can't imagine what they'd say if I said I was trying to enter one!

It sounds like the three of you really want things to work out, and I am sure you'll sort things out as you go through it

Nice to meet you!! :D
 
YW welcome Candi - anytime.....

Remember - a lot of this 'complication' people mention isn't specific - or specificly related to poly etc.
It's just about human interaction skills. Even getting along with friends & family takes some people skills, patience, sometimes discovering our own selfishness, non-confrontational communication etc. And sometimes the closer we are/become, the more we tend to forget about the fact that we STILL have to practice those skills. We'd hope that we all 'understood' each other better and could eliminate them but it just isn't the case ! That's when trouble surfaces.

The more everyone understands and agrees with this, the easier it is to call something out before it becomes a huge issue and tackle it together as a team. Honesty, openness, kindness, tolerance. Patience. :)

Go for it !

GS
 
OMG, Spirit, words to live by!!

Thank you...I will recite often!
 
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