Just got on the poly roller coaster

Deerinthewoods

New member
Hi my wife blu and I have been together for over a decade. From the beginning I thought about a poly relationship but she was not receptive and I let it go out of respect for her. The past six years the feelings have become stronger and stronger and we started exploring the fantasy of it about three or four years ago. Mind you it was more of a swinging fantasy but I knew that it would be more complicated than that in reality.

So last week we finally took the plunge. After meeting Bent a few times over the last couple of months, we invited him over and things got going.
Without wanting to categorize, it looks like it is a V with her as the hinge although time will tell. The emotions of NRE are crazy! Strange to be completely aroused one minute and then the next to have a queasy feeling in your stomach the next. Its been 4 days since and they are meeting alone tomorrow to talk and perhaps more.

I was the one who went and found Bent and introduced them. My timing wasnt particularly good because Blu is very busy these days and the NRE is really wrecking havoc on her work. So I feel guilty about that. But seeing her happy the other night was incredible. I hadnt seen her like that. It was everything that I wanted. She felt guilty that she wanted to pay more attention to him but I told her I understand.

My stomach doesnt though. Did most out there get that queasy feeling in your stomach. Her happiness is incredible- just working through the regular emotions of worry and fear that she will leave me for him. Before taking the plunge, I realized that that might happen but in the end if he is right for her and she wants to go mono again, there is little I can do. Better to take the plunge and see her happiness and passion shine through than stay in the cage of a mono that doesnt fit us well.
 
Hi Deerinthewoods,
Welcome to our forum.

I just think polyamory is very different from what we are trained to expect, so it's natural and very reasonable to have some disoriented (even queasy) feelings about it at first.

I don't think Blu will leave you because of Bent. Sure, she's been monogamous in the past, but I think she can see now that loving more than one person is possible. I know I can't guarantee it, but for what it's worth my impression is that she'll stick with you (as well as possibly with Bent).

In any case, monogamy wasn't working for you, as you said, so I think you're taking the right pathway here.

It's good to have you on board; hope we can be of help with any questions or concerns you have.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think the queasiness will settle and eventually go away if you work on strengthening and developing the relationships that exist among you rather than focusing on the sex. Examine and talk about how the dynamic has changed between you and your wife now that there is someone else she is intimate with. Get to know this guy as a person. Go out and do friend stuff with him. Make the time for each of you to nurture the connections separately and together and, perhaps most importantly, outside the bedroom.
 
NYCINdie, thats a great suggestion! Except I'm not sure if Bent and/or Blu will be into me having a friendship with Bent. Certainly, Bent and I started interacting with each other for almost a year before we brought in Blu and naturally Blu and I have been interacting for years. However, my relationship with Bent WAS founded on having him come make friends with my wife and understood that he would sleep with her if she was willing. I hope that we can all become friends. thats the ideal-at the same time I need to give them space for their relationship to grow. delicate balance isn't it? I think that she will take the balanced approach as she is meeting to talk with him outside the bedroom. I am fully ready for them to move to the bedroom, without me. I did say that I would prefer to be there for their first time but I know that the NRE can take over and maybe they will want to be alone. I told her if something does happen tomorrow that as long as she tells me, I will be okay. But from your experience do you think that I will? I didnt anticipate the intensity of the NRE-so it will likely be the same with the flood of jealousy. I take your suggestion of taking it out of the bedroom very seriously.

It is very bedroom focused right now. That is how Blu and my first night was, we slept together right away, within hours of knowing each other and for one year spent every day together and the first six months having sex 2-3 times a day, 7 days a week. It could happen with this relationship-although scheduling will be difficult and as we have a kid I doubt Blu will just drop everything.
 
Hi DITW,

Just wondering how things went with Blu and Bent meeting yesterday (I think it was yesterday). How are you holding up? I know you said as long as she told you what was happening, you'd be okay. But, we can't always predict these things.

Like nycindie said, take some of the focus off the bedroom if you can. I know the NRE is running pretty high, but developing platonic friendships is important too.

Hope you're holding up okay.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Bent and Blu's 1st get together

Well I was a right mess last night. I did try to get my mind off things. I went to the gym and worked out, got online and talked with some friends who have had poly relationships. I tried to keep my head out of the bedroom. I felt pretty alone after the gym and walked around the city streets for a bit, I hadn't felt that alone in a long time. I did start to imagine worst case scenarios and being abandoned and even though I had stated my boundaries, that I would prefer to be there for their first time-I thought that the heat of the moment would carry them away. And I kept waiting for a phone call and then thought that I might have to wait until morning.

SO when I did get home, about 4 hours after the start of their date, I was just really anxiety ridden and head full of worst case scenarios. Then I went online to check my messages and saw that she had sent a message! It said that she was back at home working, and for all the sorrow I felt 30 seconds earlier-all of a sudden I felt intense relief and joy and I cried. Super intense emotions-when I am usually pretty aloof about most things. I was really happy because it had gone well, and she wasn't spending the night with him -and although we haven't discussed in detail how it went (Blu's super busy finishing up her college program this week-so the NRE is not helping her one bit in that way) it doesnt sound like they played at all except for kissing(they stayed in public place).

But there was a negative thing to all this. We found out that Bent has a girlfriend and that he hasn't told her anything. So Blu decided to stop it there, even though she is attracted to him, neither of us like the idea of playing wth a guy who can't communicate his desires to his intimate partner. So I don't know what Blu and I are going to do now. The door has been opened, and there are a lot of things we have to discuss. She thought we were moving to fast anyways and she was probably right. We'll work through some things that have come up in our relationship through this and probably find someone who is ready for this kind of relationship further down the road. Stay tuned!
 
Well, it sounds like things worked out all for the best. I'm sure Blu was a little disappointed, but this way you can really do some studying, negotiating, and preparing for the "polyamorous future."

Thanks for your update, and I'll look forward to further news as things progress.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Working through it

Hi Kevin and NYCindie,
Thanks for your replies, although NYCindie it did sting a bit when you said that we shouldnt be poly on another thread-I can understand the frustration as I was focusing on sex too much-which came to a boil point last week. As I mentioned Blu was no longer interested in seeing Bent because he had a gf and was unwilling to tell her. Blu didn't like that aspect of his personality obviously and didn't want to see him anymore-but yes, Kevin, she was disappointed because she was getting NRE and then all of a sudden she was cut off from it.

Last week we went out and had fun, danced but the sex just wasn't working between us. So last sunday, it got to a point where she told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be married anymore. She added that we shouldn't have sex anymore.

At first, hearing those things hurt and I felt pretty shitty all week. I work in a different city during the week and having that weigh on me while trying to work was very trying. It was for her as well because everything was cut short , she didn't feel interested in anything, couldnt eat, couldnt sleep. She didnt want me to phone.

The past two days we have spent together and last night had a good talk. She felt that every time we were intimate I would bring up Bent and she wondered if I wanted him more than I wanted her. She also realized that when I had told her that I was bi before we got married that she sort of went into denial. I told her that at this point the sex doesn't matter to me, that its really the relationship between us. We both know that we can't go back to where we were-nor do we want to. We've turned the page...

As for where it goes from here, our first experience in this world was painful and rough. So I think that we will proceed at a better pace now. We will also negotiate our boundaries better and I will be more realistic about my ability to deal with all this in a way that is healthy. We've agreed to take a break on sex to process all this. So this week definitely finishes up happier than it began. The other thing that opened up was that now she seems willing to open the marriage both ways, so that we both can find lovers.

We still have a lot to work through before we plunge in again, its true we might decide not to be poly in which case she would likely find a mono guy, or we might decide we just like to swing. Whats important is that we have the time and space to talk about it now that Bent is out of the picture. So with that, we will be better prepared and stronger in our primary relationship. I do have a question-how do you meet partners that are trustoworthy? In your experience is it easier for you to pick your partners new lover, or do you have veto on potential new partners, or is it free for all? Interested in knowing....
 
I never said you "shouldn't be poly." I just looked up that thread. What I said was that polyamory wouldn't fix the problems you were having as a couple (think of what a burden you would place on anyone with whom you become involved, if that's what you want them for!). I said that you seemed more focused on sex than developing a loving, caring relationship with an additional person. I also told you that polyamory can work well "only if your relationship is in a good, loving, strong, emotionally and sexually healthy place."

The fact that you interpreted that as "you shouldn't be poly" tells me that there is a part of you that thinks that way. Perhaps you are aware that there are some issues that need to be worked out and resolved in your marriage. I don't think you need tips right now on how to meet poly people to hook up with. It could take years to get from the initial discussion about trying a type of non-monogamy to actually being ready to have more partners. It requires lots of soul-searching, possibly even therapy, long heart-to-heart talks with each other, and hard work to do to get your relationship to be the best and most joyous it can possibly be, before you embark on a poly situation. In the process of working on your relationship with your wife, you may find that it is time to end the marriage. But wouldn't you rather know and leave it, so each of you can be happy, rather than stay together feeling unhappy and dissatisfied?

On the other hand, you may find that swinging is more amenable to you than poly, but either way, having a strong healthy relationship is the only place to start. Only if your marriage is the best it can be should you look for additional partners, whether for emotional relationships or just sex. Poly is not a Band-aid for broken marriages; that may seem incongruous, but it is a way to expand the love and other great stuff you already have and share it with others.
 
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True enough. We have come to the same conclusions that you outlined. I knew that poly wasn't a solution for broken relationships. I overestimated the health and strength of the relationship I have with Blu. We have been having much deeper talks than we ever have and the subject of maybe we shouldn't be married has come up. What happened through the brief months with Bent is that she realized that she wasn't getting what she needed sexually from me, and I suppose it goes both ways. So we have mutually agreed not to have sex because its just not working right now. It allows us to work through all the other issues in our marriage.

She tends to not like the therapy route, so I can't see us going that way.But yeah, we have realized that we have to work through our issues before we embark on something different. We may just have to end as a primary relationship. We'll see.
 
Gosh, I hope not; that would be an awfully extreme action, unless there are some compelling reasons why you guys should break up. It sounds like some serious issues have come to the table, but without knowing any specifics about what those are, I can't come to any further conclusions.

Re (from Deerinthewoods):
"I do have a question -- How do you meet partners that are trustoworthy?"

I don't know, I suppose you get to know them pretty well on a platonic level before dating them. Also asking them a lot of questions (and not assuming anything, no matter how obvious it seems) is a good idea.

Re (from Deerinthewoods):
"In your experience is it easier for you to pick your partner's new lover, or do you have veto on potential new partners, or is it free for all? Interested in knowing ..."

Well I guess my V kind of has a veto policy. But we've never had to use it. We haven't even done any looking for "new people to date," in, like, years.

Anyway, I hope you and your wife can get some of your issues worked out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Sometimes ending a relationship is the best and most respectful thing you can do for each other. It is hard but not every relationship is meant to last forever.

You sought out poly because there were problems you thought having extra sex partners would solve, rather than solving those problems first. When your wife said to you that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be married anymore, that is a statement that deserves respect. That, and the fact that sex is unsatisfactory for you both indicates a real need to heal and get healthy.

I am glad you decided to work on the issues before thinking about involving other people. Unfortunately, I don't see how much progress you can make without a third party guiding you, such as a counselor or therapist. If you really want to work on this together, that may be a point you should insist on. You want to know that you did everything you could, whether you end the marriage or continue.
 
So we have mutually agreed not to have sex because its just not working right now. It allows us to work through all the other issues in our marriage.

This has me confused. When I'm an emotional basket case sex doesn't work for me either, so I understand not making sex a primary focus or goal when your together, but I don't understand cutting it out all together.

I agree with NYCindie it sounds like a neutral third party (marriage counselor) would be extremely helpful. Does she have some deep religious background or a bad experience that is fueling this aversion to therapy?
 
Your post rings very close to home for me.
I joined the forum last week. Looking for answers I suppose. my Partner and I of 20 plus years established late last year that we would try "Poly". Now for a bit of history. We occasionally dabbled in the swing scene. We have had 2 V relationships with me the man as the hinge. As far as "swinging was concerned, it really wasn’t our cup of tea. We didn’t run off for sex minutes after meeting a couple. In fact, we made many good friends, and generally never had a sexual relationship with them. I guess we didn’t much like the label swingers, and a friend said, "You're Poly!" Poly? we said? We had no idea!
Fast forward. We have both had a partner. We both know who the partners were and had met since they were part of a circle of friends.
In the last few months, she has been seeing a few men. I really didn’t know the extent, but I knew conversation was happening.
She had left a FB chat open a few weeks back, the dialog clearly suggested they had been intimate. Now understand, I’ve watched my wife have sex with a man, always when I was there. For some reason her doing this without my knowledge hit me like a baseball bat. I can relate to wandering aimlessly and not being able to get it off your mind.
Now please understand I am no angel in this situation. A year ago I had a short term affair that she found out about, that has probably led to this situation.
I joined this site so I could find out how others are feeling. You and I have much in common. For me, I’m discovering the communication, and taking time for the communication is of the utmost importance. After we chatted over a bottle of wine this weekend, I realized how much I do love her, and how empty my life would be without her. So forward we go. With respect for our partners feelings and clear honest communication. While I too have a stomach that is turning, I like to see her smile, as I know she likes to see mine.
:D
 
Thanks scooterz

Yes it does sound like we have some similarities. I wonder why you two felt the need to have clandestine affairs AFTER being in the swing scene. Maybe it was the idea that even though you were having sex at least it was done together? I do relate to that, although after our first get together, I noticed that Blu was really gravitating to Bent and that I felt kind of like an interference(?) in what was going on between them. I didn't want to be a thrid wheel and thought maybe they should cultivate their own relationship out of the context of us.

It all got cut short and Blu was resentful of my role in facillitating their meeting and not respecting her when she expressed reservations. II was so wrong in those respects and although she found Bent very attractive and charming and certainly enjoyed physically what went on, the fact that he was "taken" and not willing to be honest with his gf was a deal breaker. For my part , she is understandably upset with the fact that there was a bit of pressure on my part. I was just afraid that if we didnt do it then it would have never been discussed seriously and would have remained in the realm of fantasy. I can see that I was wrong about my approach and that my very actions show a lack of respect. I have learned a lot from this-what to do and not do. I am grateful that Blu has decided not to leave me outright but we have lots to work through.

At the very least we are talking through things. We have cut out sex between US. She may at any point decide to have sex with anybody else. I hope taht if she does, that she tells me. That was the one thing that we set out between us, that she does tell if she does. Right now though , I think sex is pretty distant in her mind-she has a lot of other things on her mind right now.

In response to the questions about therapy-she generally doesn't like the culture of therapy-she's kind of stoic and seems to believe that any problem can be worked through by silence and sollitude. Needless to say, I don't share this feeling. But no one can force you into therapy. She generally does not like talking about her private life to strangers and would probably be angry if she knew that this is our life that I am describing in this forum.
 
Well, in very general terms, it sounds like things have improved between you guys just a little. Every little bit helps.

I can kind of see how things developed, and how you guys got to the point where you are today. Sure therapy would be nice, but if you keep practicing at communicating with each other, you'll probably get better at it. Perhaps some self-help books (such as books about communication) would be helpful? Just a thought; it might be like an "alternative to therapy" that she might be able to "choke down."

Regardless, I'm glad that you guys are gradually working things out.
 
Deerinthewoods

I know it sounds odd, swingers having affairs!?
I believe it was because till then anything we had done was together; we planned and were involved together. While I think we tended to always have an emotional connection with our partners, probably not to the extent Poly may allow. And for us, that was the definition of unfaithful. Not the physical act of sex, but the emotional act of caring for another person. Then up pops Poly!
What I’m learning about Polyamory is there are also a thousand parking spots to pull your particular relationship paradigms into.
I think something that helped us, was a sex therapist we found on line after quite a bit of research and visiting 3 or 4 locally.. She works out of Atlanta and works with about 20% of her clients over the phone. For us, this worked because we could coordinate a time ( 8pm ) that was easier for us. It wasn’t face to face, and I must say, she's quite easy to talk to. Maybe phone therapy might help. I haven’t talked to her in about a year. I probably need to. It helps for me.
During our ups and downs, we did try to continue to be intimate. For us, or myself, I suppose, that’s paramount. It didn’t always need to be the gratuitous 12 minutes of intercourse, but touching, stroking her hair, rubbing her feet. Having our energy connect is so important to me, and I believe her
 
Touch

Funny you mention that...touch has become so important now, hugging, kissing, holding hands. I guess this first experience with Bent kind of blew everything that we had known away and now we have to get to know each other once again on different terms.

We have been very close in a different way. Not the gratuitous 12 minutes of intercourse-but instead its been very intimate and romantic. Lots of staring into each others eyes.

The power dynamic has changed too. She is much more confident and decisive. I have become more vulnerable and emotionally honest. She says I am like a school boy these days.

We haven't really talked about it, but I know that she misses the physicality of Bent. Her mind and ethics won't allow her to go where her body wants to. At this point we can't talk through it because it just frustrates her and I have to respect that.

I am glad to have this forum to share how things are going. There has been a lot of good advice here.
 
Sounds like generally positive changes, other than the thing about Bent still being a sore spot for her.

Glad if we are able to help. :)
 
One month later

Blu and I are close again after a strange period of estrangement. She went out last night, to the same bar that we went out with Bent to last month. She told me today that she was thinking about him. I really didn't know how to react when she brought him up. Like I said in last post, I can tell she wants him but knows that he has a girlfriend and is not being honest to his gf.

When she mentioned him , I refrained from reminding her of this fact because she seemed to get pleasure from her memory of him. Im happy that the thought doesnt seem to bring her pain anymore. Just quiet pining.

Do you think this is the right approach? I know some people say communicate communiacte communicate...but when does communicating become selfishness? I ask this question because although I have a lot on my mind, I think that it is more respectful to let her express these feelings without an instant comment from me.
What do you think?
 
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