The Darker Side of Trust

oasis777

New member
A very simple word is "trust," and yet sometimes so very hard to execute.

From the beginning, he always said that finding a third was his goal. When we met, I had been single for about 13 years. I had a good job, the kids were growing up and I had begun exploring my sexual side and finding out who I really was. We seemed to be on the same page when it came to sexual beliefs and openness. We agreed that the primary players would always be each other. That any relationships outside of our marriage would be discussed before anything got off the ground.

"The best laid schemes o' mice an' men."

It was a good plan, but I just did not realize how many potential pot holes there were in that road. How many ways your ego and feelings can get trampled. And it all comes down to trust. Neither one of us really trusts the other. The longer the mistrust festers without care, the more damage is done. I have this picture in my head of a giant ball of destruction, rolling down a mountain, crushing all in its path.

I feel betrayed by some many little things. I can not speak for him, and know that a one sided story never shows that whole picture.

I am caught between giving him a privacy that I don't really believe a married couple has or turning into a jealous bitch that will eventually drive the relationship into the ground.

I know from past experience that just letting it go builds resentment, and we will not survive that either.
 
I could have written some of this myself. Wish I had some advice or something, all I can say is I feel exactly what you are saying.
 
Trust is so key in any relationship-but even more so in an open relationship.

Maca and I were discussing this just yesterday, he struggles with trust. I don't so much.

The key difference in our perspectives is that I don't stop trusting just because someone hurts me. My trust is based in the INTENTION. Did they INTEND to hurt me? If not-then there's no need to lose trust in them, we all make mistakes. Where as he trusts those who don't hurt him at all. Unfortunately for him, given time everyone will hurt you at some point.
 
One thing that is constantly reiterated in guidelines of open relationships is to address the issue in your relationship prior to branching out because branching out is not going to solve the problem. If your goal is to continue with a loving, growing relationship, you guys must mutually agree to work on that which is already broken in your relationship. As you stated, letting it go builds resentment on your end. Dangling it over the relationship or holding onto it (which it will find outlets in other negative ways) will build resentment on his end. I wish you well in your journey.
 
My trust is based in the INTENTION. Did they INTEND to hurt me? If not-then there's no need to lose trust in them, we all make mistakes. Where as he trusts those who don't hurt him at all. Unfortunately for him, given time everyone will hurt you at some point.

It is difficult to separate the two types sometimes. Being hurt...........well hurts, no matter if it was intended or not. To avoid the pain, you tend to hold back your true self over time and before you know it, that becomes the norm. No one really knows who you are because you don't trust them with that knowledge.

A part of me realizes that this perspective is skewed and yet it is my norm. I too understand that everyone will eventually hurt you and not all of them will mean to do it. But I also know that those few who one may allow into the inner sanctum will have the power to do great damage.

Oh what a struggle it is.
 
It is difficult to separate the two types sometimes. Being hurt...........well hurts, no matter if it was intended or not. To avoid the pain, you tend to hold back your true self over time and before you know it, that becomes the norm. No one really knows who you are because you don't trust them with that knowledge.

A part of me realizes that this perspective is skewed and yet it is my norm. I too understand that everyone will eventually hurt you and not all of them will mean to do it. But I also know that those few who one may allow into the inner sanctum will have the power to do great damage.

Oh what a struggle it is.

It's not a matter of not feeling the hurt (to me). I feel the hurt. But hurting doesn't necessarily mean I should stop trusting them. Trust isn't tied to pain or lack there of for me. . . . . . .
 
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