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-   -   BF won't let me go! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11313)

Topazia 06-22-2011 06:38 PM

BF won't let me go!
Hello all,

I will try make this short.

At christmas I had a house, a fiance and thought my life was on track. Then January he just upped and left me and everything crumbled. Im 23.

I started talking to an old crush and he told me he had a gf, after flirting and joking he said she didn't mind if we did anything. I was lonely, self esteem shattered so we became "friends with benefits".

I started learning i was into the BDSM scene after long battling with things i thought made me "weird" and learnt his gf was his Sub and they have a D/s relationship.

Due to financial hardships he said he would move in with me but when we did we would stop sleeping together.

5 months on...we are in a relationship and i have fallen in love after trying hard not to. He is so into me, when i have tried to end it he has started shaking and crying but i cannot stay in a poly relationship. His gf doesn't like me and i feel much competition goes on...i put this partly to her younger age. I cannot act how i would in a relationship and this is his first D/s AND poly he has had..i feel he will implode.

I keep telling him but he won't break up with me and i can't because when it is just me and him it is like she doesn't exist.

I have always been cheated on and am starting to feel not good enough.

I feel so trapped...he is such a good influence on me...i have lost weight, eating healthier, started hobbies again and learning to be myself in the bedroom..i want him but not poly...i feel so helpless and i know i shouldn't feel so sad and guilty everyday.

He said with him moving in next week if we ended it i'd be an ex to him and he would feel weird...i keep hoping i will win him over to me but i know this is a terrible way of thinking.

Im told poly is beneficial..i feel im getting half a relationship and he is getting everything and more.

Please help me.

AutumnalTone 06-22-2011 06:54 PM

If you don't want to be involved with him, stop. Seriously, stop seeing him and certainly don't let him move in.

Trying to force him to choose between his other partner and you when you knew in advance that he's poly is dysfunctionally selfish, so stop.

The only thing you can control is your involvement and your behavior. If you have issues with polyamory, then don't get involved with a polyamorous partner. Trying to manipulate a poly partner into a monogamous relationship is rude and horribly dysfunctional.

Topazia 06-22-2011 07:03 PM

I didn't say i am making him chose, i know fully well and as i said i havnt told him to....its what i keep saying to him that i would never let him chose but when i try end it he keeps calling and wont let be me, hes fighting so hard for me it makes me start wondering if i should try.

I feel guilty letting myself fall in love with him...i think id be ok if i felt his gf was good for him but she is bratty and clingy and whenever i seem to do soemthing she tries to do one better.

financially i need him to move in, without going into it i have a medical condition and need some help so as my friend before he helped me.

please dont think i am being harsh to him..all im doing is compromising..i dont ring or text him because she does it 24/7 so i dont want to hound the boy. I make sure he has time alone whereas she doesnt...see my issues? x

MonoVCPHG 06-22-2011 07:17 PM

Is there no one else in the world that can move in with you? You are going down a dangerous and unhealthy path I am afraid. You're making excuses about why only he can help you. I hate to do this but you need to look at reality. Imagine you and him have just moved in together. You just woke up all snuggly and are enjoying coffee in bed chatting about your day's activities. You want to go for a walk with him but he tells you he is getting together with his girlfriend in the afternoon and spending the night with her. Now picture them having sex, him moaning into her ear the same way he moans into yours, sweaty and passionate. You've said you can't do poly...that means you are going to make yourself and your poly partner very unhealhty.

Get out while you can.

Topazia 06-22-2011 07:22 PM

Sigh, i know...and why i tried to start going back to friends just nobody has ever fought for me and he is fighting so hard.

I do actually quite like the idea of him having someone but this girl just seems too demanding and not good for him...

he has said she wont sleep over here and he has started syaing how he has started thinking of a future with me and asking places we could live after my degree.

this other gf shes sleeps around with people but he doesnt want anyone but me and her and he asked me not to be with anyone else. he said for fairness i could but he'd prefer me not to...he is so right for me in everything just not her which is why im finding it hard to walk away.

the housing thing, im in a city where i know no1 and a random starnger couldnt look after me and i wouldnt feel comfortable having someone try help me with my medical needs.

just wondered if i can try bring my mind round...i keep wondering if she was as compromising as me if id be fine because i like that he isnt round mine every day etc and i like my own time x

MonoVCPHG 06-22-2011 07:36 PM


Originally Posted by Topazia (Post 87992)
i keep wondering if she was as compromising as me if id be fine because i like that he isnt round mine every day etc and i like my own time x

This is something to focus on in a positive sense. One of the benefits of poly can be a greater level of independence. The thing is, you should be independent in other areas of your life first so you don't destroy who you are to be with him.

His girlfriend sleeping around is serious business. Your sexual health could be at risk if she is unsafe. That is a big concern. What if he broke up with her and found a new love? If he is poly that will likley happen. Do you think this is more about her as an individual then the dynamic of poly?

Topazia 06-22-2011 07:45 PM

That is what im trying to figure out. She is 19, very ..ott..very actice in the gay community and describes herself as lesbian. This D/s dynamic, he said she makes her feel an adult as he has responsibilty over her and i make him feel normal and keep him grounded...i don't see his love for her..

I have been tested and keep safe..its one of my biggests issues so that is ok.

When she got with him she suggested poly and i keep asking him if she hadnt would he..he THINKS so..but i just feel he likes being a DOM to her and im his 'normal' gf.

I lost all my friends and hobbies with my last bf but i was so in love i didn't care. I have beemn living alone 4 months and like havin my independance back..such as tonight..yes i would like to see him but i have plenty to do i don't mind being alone and actually enjoy it,

this is why i am confused...he didn't like hearing i dont like her,ive tried talking to her but she just speaks down to me and i never feel equal..i always feel just an addition, at leats that is how SHE makes me feel. He is trying..just i think he has taken on too much.

I asked if she was ok him moving in, he said he would never consider moving in with her as she would be under his feet 24/7...this all confuses me so much i feel so torn!

she also makes a deal about being in the poly SCENE...like its the IN thing which i hate

idealist 06-22-2011 08:03 PM

I experienced similar things when I was your age and what I did was seek therapy. My therapist really helped me sort things out and I continued to see her off and on for many years. It's truly a valuable gift you can give yourself that will last a lifetime. Good luck!! There are also a lot of thoughtful people here who are willing to listen and share with you!!

MonoVCPHG 06-22-2011 08:33 PM


Originally Posted by Topazia (Post 87997)
I lost all my friends and hobbies with my last bf but i was so in love i didn't care.

This statement is again very concerning. If you lose this much over a person and don't care then that indicates you are just about willing to do anything for some one to "love" you.

My original advise still stands. Find another room mate. Seriously.

Topazia 06-22-2011 08:38 PM

I was very ill with my disease though and became depressed and afraid to leave the house. My bf at the time didn't make any friends here and worked shifts so it was a cycle.

With this relationship i want to use what i learnt and make sure i don't get wrapped up...why i have been encouraging him to take time to himself and nights with his friends...she doesnt..if she knows he isnt with me she expects to be with him


i am apprciating the input btw x

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