Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Help me fix my mistakes, I need criticism and help. PLEASE! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=38782)

GSAS082612 01-23-2013 08:46 PM

Help me fix my mistakes, I need criticism and help. PLEASE!
So, I have been told that I am playing the victim within my polyfidelitous relationship, and I actually really want to fix that. When I lived at home with my parents it was about my parents and what I could do for them, how I could make them happy. I was forced to lie and hide things that most teens shouldn't have to do. I didn't have much of a personal life and when I did, it was only theater. (a true passion in my life- irrelevant but a random fact about me) So, I pretty much woke up, went to school, went home, did chores and homework and did whatever my mom needed me to do. I had the occasional boyfriend and it seemed I have fallen for guys who best represent the life situation with my parents. I let myself be controlled and demanded and allowed myself be reprimanded. And at that point in time, I thought that was ‘okay”, I thought that it was what was normal.

And then I came across a couple that wants to bring me into their world. I was beyond lucky that I’d found two people who wanted me and wanted to “help/save” me? I guess. I was grateful for their generosity and the compassion. But that’s when all the problems happened. I had turmoil with my mother. My biological father was on and off of his death bed so frequently it was terribly depressing. School was much too intense. It seemed to bombard me. All while I was still trying to cope with the miscarriage. I tried to forget about it, stuff away my emotions about it but the smallest things reminded me and KILLED me.

So within the relationship, I was closed off and rude. Left without telling them. And I guess as they must have seen it expected them to take care of me. ( I will say this much to my defense, I didn't and I was in a rough patch and just didn't realize it) Sam frequently wanted me to leave, I am sure. Glenn had to defend me and gave me the benefit of the doubt and I pretty much made him the fool every time but he still went to defend me again. There was only one point in which Glenn didn't care if I stayed or left. And that was a tremendously HUGE fight. Horrible. I was just very cut off and reserved.

The play was not capturing my attention as much as it should have. My school work wasn't important and I didn't make the effort until close to the end of the semester. I was overly-emotional, jealous and bitchy. I accused them of not loving/wanting/needing them when they expressed otherwise. The smallest things made me FLIP A BITCH. To be blunt. I had a fiery red hot Latina attitude and I pretty much threw it all out. When I screamed, I screamed loud. When I was silent it was a deadly silence. And when I was emotional, I was actually really cut off lying on the shower floor, cutting. (A bad addiction I’m still working to get over) I let my ex-boyfriend torment me and still continued a friendship with bitches that didn't deserve the time of day. I was overly consumed with the computer and sleeping. I cared more about the newest drama than my relationship. I am pretty sure that is exactly how I was for the first 3 months.

The past two, I have tried to improve. Make more of an effort to say where I am going and when I will be back and who I am with. I have tried to make an effort to be with the two of them but of course, it never goes the way I expect it should. It has been a point in which we are okay, and we are not. I made more of an effort when Glenn found out what Sam did. Christmas was a big fight between him and I. I lied about hanging out with someone and pretty much said I was leaving. Came back a few hours later, and pretty much “conned” Sam into admitting it because the movie just got me to thinking about hiding things and lying and I felt like shit because I was doing it do Glenn. Well Glenn found out and around that time I made more of an effort, cleaning being close and talkative. Trying to be a shoulder to cry on etc.

BUT EVERYONE HAS THEIR BREAKING POINT. I was/am overly concerned about me and what was going to happen to us if Glenn decided to leave and I did not want either of them to leave. And then I made a hasty decision of leaving to “better” their marriage and they both were pretty emotional over it. Glenn cried twice in front of me because he a) didn't want me to leave because he loves me and b) he hated breaking promises to me. I was just really confused and hurt because they were promising the relationship to last and work. That Glenn would never leave and it was at that point. I lost my cool to say plainly. I see the wrongs now that I am thinking about it, but how do I fix them? How do I be a better partner to them and not freak on them for what they are going through too. Because I know Glenn needs his time. And they need to fix their marriage. And I know that Glenn has his emotions and we don’t want him to be closed off, but how I can make it easier for them on my part? I just want to fix the relationship and hopefully but it in a point where we can all benefit from the hard time right now.

“If love was easy, it wouldn't be worth it”

“It’s not over if its hard, if its hard it’s only the beginning.”

I want to believe the both of those quotes are true.

BoringGuy 01-23-2013 08:52 PM

You keep posting the same thing, people keep giving you the same advice, and when you don't like what they have to say, you start a new thread. Do you think that you're going to eventually hear the magic words that will make everything better?

Actually I do think the three of you deserve each other. I think you all enjoy feeding off of each other's drama. Why ruin it for yourselves?

ThatGirlInGray 01-23-2013 09:11 PM

With the new information you've given us, all I can add is: Counseling. Therapy.

For all three of you, both as a group and individually. You need professional help, and in my opinion are beyond the scope of this forum to help you. To move past your upbringing, learn healthy coping skills, learn healthy relationship skills, etc will take regular, ongoing work for quite some time, as I see it. Maybe even years. If you want to be with these people, in a healthy environment that doesn't damage the children being brought into this drama, then you have to start doing serious work, beyond a website of strangers.

Marcus 01-23-2013 09:19 PM


Originally Posted by GSAS082612 (Post 180268)
I just want to fix the relationship and hopefully but it in a point where we can all benefit from the hard time right now.

BG is right, some of the folks here have gone to great lengths to provide you with an alternate perspective, possible resources, and advice to the best of their ability.

Are you looking for something in particular? Maybe that is where you should start; telling us what very specific response you are looking for.


Originally Posted by GSAS082612 (Post 180268)
“If love was easy, it wouldn't be worth it”

That is a horrible saying. Love that is effortless is beautiful.

GalaGirl 01-24-2013 01:14 AM

If being with these folks does not bring out your best self, why be there at all? :(


“If love was easy, it wouldn't be worth it”

“It’s not over if its hard, if its hard it’s only the beginning.”

I want to believe the both of those quotes are true.
I see that you WANT to believe in those quotes. Then perhaps your suffering would have been for a reason rather than for nothing.

But what's your direct experience been so far? What's your reality? Not your want or your I wish it were... your REALITY?

If you have to struggle to convince yourself to stay -- that could be telling you something. If you struggle and WANT to believe those quotes, rather than just believing them... that could be telling you something. Why ignore your own gut?

If you have tried to leave before and they make it hard for you to leave with mixed messages? That's manipulative.

I can see why one wouldn't want their live in sex toy/babysitter to walk off. Can you?

If you have left before, lied to be elsewhere -- something here is not bringing out your best self, something here is not helping you to feel safe and secure. Why keep wishing to find something here that just... isn't here? You gave it a try, and it's the end of the run. IT IS NOT ALL YOU. Yes, there are places you could improve. But you are not a trio ALONE. Blame shifting is a tactic.

I think deep down you know that you are not healthy here and struggle to come to terms with that. Your return on your investment here is unsatisfactory. Investing MORE time, energy, emotion... not looking likely to be any different. :(

This may be hard to hear. I apologize. But it is well meant. I am not saying you are being abused and I certainly hope you are not being emotionally or mentally abused on top of everything else. But you are in a very weird dynamic over there, have had a rough past, and I'm not sure you can see straight. Lots of red flags. :(

You seem to sound very Stage 2 in your posts. Where you keep wishing the bad stuff would just STOP so you could get to be happy. You could take a deep breath and then...
Take a look at speak out loud list of tactics.
Is anything there ringing any other bells here?

Perhaps you feel stuck and unable to leave -- lack of funds, lack of help from family, other friends. Is this where you are also at? Not freely able to go not just emotionally but in practical terms too?

You are not satisfied there, your needs are not met. You are not being treated well. You are not being shown consistent love, caring, or respectful behavior. You are on an emotional roller coaster sounding ride. You do not have to remain committed to THIS type of treatment. You are not bad to want to stop it and not have this in your life.

From your first post about whether or not you should throw in the towel, I've seen your struggle. I truly am sorry you struggle. I see that you suffer. I am sad that you are in this space. As painful as coming to terms with the reality is... it is still the reality you have on your hands right now. :(

If they are not changing their behavior, despite your asking them to? The relationship WILL NOT BE FIXED. NOTHING you can do will solve it. Because 100% of your effort alone is not enough. 100% of your effort represents only 33.33% of the fuel to run a trio. If the other people are not there in it as solid as you, all your work is for naught. Your wants, needs and limits will just not be met.

The relationship will bring you nothing new -- just more of same old song, different day. If you are also suffering emotional, mental, psychological or physical abuse over there in all this wacky -- it's that much higher in volume in terms of suffering.

I can offer sympathy, I can offer the knowledge that I do read all your words.

I can tell you that I see you suffer and you do not suffer unseen and alone.

But I cannot magically wave a wand and make it be better for you.

Only you have that power to seek local aid for yourself.

I will continue to hope that things eventually get better for you and you reach your next future happiness. But before anyone can give you advice on how to get to that future happiness goal -- you have to come to some kind of decision that is different than "Tell me how to fix the unfixable."

There is no fix. You have already tried. There is only leave this dynamic. :(

Change something. Stop living together, leave them entirely, something else. Anything really -- see if changes help you feel better. Even go home to your family of origin to take a break from all this and get some perspective, rest, etc. SOMETHING new. YKWIM?

Being ready to change something/leave and being able to change something/leave SAFELY -- that's other problems. I know that. You have to take this in layers. One baby step at a time.

I truly hope you are safe enough over there right now as you sort out what you want your next steps to be. :(


Cleo 01-24-2013 06:43 AM

I have read all your threads.

You are 18 years old. You went from your family to living with this couple.

I have only one piece of advice for you:

Go out into the world and be on your own. Live on your own or with room mates, but not with people who you are in a romantic/sexual relationship with. Get to know yourself. Better yet: Don't be in any romantic/sexual relationship until you've been on your own for a while. Get help, counseling, therapy, to help you get to know yourself. Have the courage to be alone.

And while I am sorry for you that you are hurting about the miscarriage.. please, I really hope you don't even think about having a baby until you are in a better place.

NovemberRain 01-24-2013 07:08 AM

I saw this elsewhere tonight, and when I read this thread, I remembered it.

"When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family. Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world." (Unknown)

You are the only thing over which you have control.

LovingRadiance 01-24-2013 08:55 AM

I read this thread twice today and avoided replying.
Then after homework and kid stuff and settling down for the night to go to sleep, it came back to mind.
I lay there thinking "you can ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF"

So I got back up out of bed to write a short response.

It seems we are programmed somewhere along the line to think that stomping our feet and demanding changes and answers will accomplish something.
But the truth is, that EVERY person is an individual and has the right to make myriad choices every day.

YOU keep asking for how to make this work.
There is NO ANSWER for that question.

You are asking the wrong question.

The question is-what do you need to change about yourself to become the best version of yourself?
Not WHO do you need-because you don't need anyone for this.
You alone must figure out what it is you need to change in yourself to be the best version of yourself.
Then-make those changes.

In doing so-you might find that the situation works.
Or you may find that it does not work and you are ok with it.

Either way-you are trying to focus on the problem in order to find the answer.
You need to focus on the answer in order to resolve the problem.

The problem is that you don't like abcd....xyz about your situation. ALL of which is a product of your choices. (even if it's their behavior-you are involved due to your own choices).
So-change YOURSELF to be the best version of yourself, so you attract people who like that version of yourself and people who love that version of yourself and help foster that version of yourself.
If those two people end up doing that-great.
If not-so long.

Heavy and strong feelings of affection do not equate love and love does not equate compatibility.

What you FEEL about them is (to be frank) completely irrelevant that this point.

Try reading The Seven Levels of Intimacy & anything by Pema Chodron.
It may help some too.

And I second the above poster-regardless of breaking up or not-

There is a LOT of personal growth that happens MUCH quicker and more easily when you are on your own.
What will take you 20 years to figure out while jumping from one failed relationship to another;
will take 2 years of living on your own. If that.

LikeFireToIce 01-24-2013 04:53 PM

I just past this post and had to read all your previous ones to completely understand.

So, here is my input: I have been in and out of poly-relationships since I was 17. I have been with people 10+ my senior. I have never been happier than when I was with a man and woman who were completely compatible with me. But that is irrelevant. It's just simply an understanding to being with a "much older man". He doesn't seem all that old. He's 17 years your senior. My parents are 20 years apart and they've never been happier. The age difference doesn't seem as big of a deal to me.

You say a lot of the same things, in different ways, I am not sure if you realized this, but I have and so have many others but unlike what BoringGuy said, I am not going to be so senselessly cruel. All you are trying to do is get help it seems and I commend you for that. Not many really realize it and you obviously have a lot of love and care for these two but are blinded by the imperfection of it all. No love is perfect. Yes, effortless love is beautiful but no love is perfect, so you can;t say it is "effortless".

Now, your girlfriend. You and her seem to be at odds with each other, are you too similar, too different. Despite the "odds" your at with each other, passion seems to come from your end and that is important. Just make sure she knows that, not just you. You two seem to be wanting the same thing but going round and round each other, so you don't see the effort either of you are making. And that can be confusing. Just communicate. That is my biggest and best advice I can give as far as her.

I see that you yearn for a child as well. Waiting or not, you need to be on the same page as your lovers are. And I can see with why you are so upset with the loss of your daughter, I empathize with you, sweetie, I am sorry. I just have to say everything takes time. And you have to give it time.

My best advice, no one can change you, and no one can tell you what to do to fix it. Only you can. So, do it. COMMUNICATE and don't be irrational. Give each other time to talk. Give each other all that you need. alone and together. With just:
YOU ALL need that individual time and together time. It will be skewed and maybe you aren't ready but if you love them as much as you say you do, you can only do what is best for you, and if that's them, then you need to work on what you want to fix.

You've realized your flaws now, what are YOU going to change them. No one on here can tell you what to do. But also, it's not just you or them. or either or, you ALL have flaws to work on. Work on them together or apart, just work on them, you seem to need a lot of time with your lovers, love them, talk to them, communicate. Give them time, as they should give you the time as well.


Originally Posted by GSAS082612 (Post 180268)
The past two, I have tried to improve. Make more of an effort to say where I am going and when I will be back and who I am with. I have tried to make an effort to be with the two of them but of course, it never goes the way I expect it should. It has been a point in which we are okay, and we are not.

No one can make any of these decisions though. You have to.

Always here to help if you want.


BoringGuy 01-24-2013 05:13 PM

enablers, enablers, everywhere. refusing to enable someone's denial labeled "senselessly cruel". tra-la-la. carry on.

All times are GMT. The time now is 05:22 PM.