Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   New and in need of Advice. Vent-ish (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2327)

LittleLostOne 03-16-2010 04:38 PM

New and in need of Advice. Vent-ish
Hey all :)
I'm really new to Polyamory, and pretty much new to relationships in general.
I'm attempting to learn..
I believe I'm in a V relationship. Maybe? >>

My partner and I have been together for about 5 or 6 months. And I guess you'd call me the "home-wrecker". When she first introduced me into the relationship she had already had with her girlfriend, they had been together for about 6 months. This is all really new to all of us, and we still have yet to work out the kinks, like who gets to spend time with whom when, etc.etc.
Now, I really want to make this relationship work, as I pretty much have been in love with my partner for the past 3 years, only now actually.."dating" I guess.
But, I just can't seem to get along with her other partner. It's not that I know nothing about her, I had been going to school with her for about 5 years, and it's not that she's mean or anything. I just cannot seem to get along with her.
To be completely blunt, and I guess rude about it, she pretty much has no personality. And the little that I do know about her, my partner confirmed is really all there is to her. That she's just really simple.
And I guess I have so much personality, that I can't deal with someone with no personality. I just really want this to work, and I know that if I keep up this attitude, it won't. I just don't know how to change it.

Another thing would be, that I find it to be really uncomfortable when my partner wants to be with both of us at the same time. When she wants to hold both of our hands, or hold my hand as she's hugging her other partner, I feel weird. I feel like she should just be focused on that partner, and try not to be with both of us. Is it wrong for me to feel that way? Should I attempt to stop?

Advice plz ;~; I am confused and lost and probably in love.

CielDuMatin 03-16-2010 04:47 PM

Hey you feel the way you feel. If you are not comfortable with PDAs when the three of you are together, then you are entitled to those feelings and to having those feelings discussed with the three of you.

Not liking your partner's OSO is a tough one and it can cause friction in the relationships - all of them. I have been there and I don't have any advice for you, since you are in the middle of it, rather than at the start.

GroundedSpirit 03-16-2010 04:51 PM

Hey Ms Little,

Well, maybe just a little respect and consideration is a starting point ?
We all know that not everyone in the world is going to click with everyone else - right ? Doesn't have to be a bad thing and lead to drama unless you make it that way.

Your GF DOES like her for whatever reason. You have to respect that if you really care about your GF.

IS it possible for you and the other girl to just - in person - have a short discussion to the effect of...........
Look - you and I are probably never going to be "tight" - we're just too different ! That's ok. It's just who we are.
But our mutual GF DOES care for both of us - and we care for her. We have that in common ! So in that interest (of making HER happy) let's try to give each other a little respect, patience and rope when we need to all be together. It's for her benefit. Let's not let OUR differences be a sore spot in HER life !

Make sense ?

Keep us posted.


LittleLostOne 03-16-2010 04:56 PM

GS, you're absolutely correct.
I'd 100% prefer there to be no drama, and for our girl to be the happiest she can be.
I've always looked at it that I needed to become best friends with her. And you're right. I don't.
I feel kind of stupid asking questions like this online, but thank you. Really nobody else to ask.

merry 03-16-2010 07:16 PM

My husband's girlfriend has ADD, and possibly mild Asperger's. She can come across as being very carefree and simple, in that she goes with whatever everyone else wants and rarely makes an opinion. That would drive me nuts, because I don't like when people say they don't have opinions - it feels false, or just useless. She really seemed rather bland for a very long time, and she wouldn't talk about herself, and didn't know how to really communicate intimately at all. It's been over a year, and that's very slowly being helped by group therapy (and she'll be going to her own therapist soon).

Being bipolar myself, I've always got too much going on in my head, so it's hard for me to relate to her at times. I can't talk to her about philosophy or politics or abstract ideas, but we can talk about things - the pets, gaming, craft projects.

It might be that you're still finding her wavelength. Take note of what kind of things she does brighten up about, and start there. Don't be afraid to ask her questions directly about herself. It takes time for people to open up - some more than others.

But also, if you aren't all living together, then you don't need to have a very deep relationship with her. It's only your partner that matters. Just be kind and friendly, but don't worry too much about it.

LittleLostOne 03-18-2010 04:39 PM

Thank you merry, your advice really helped. :)
I'm trying to get to know her as much as possible so we can be friendly and not so awkward when the three of us are out together.
She and I both share a slight obsession with Pokemon, so we've been talking about that. I'm glad things are finally looking up. :)

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:24 AM.