Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Life stories and blogs (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=5)
-   -   Lies, lies and more lies. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15441)

Podunk 10-06-2011 01:23 PM

Lies, lies and more lies.
A little background, since this is my first post. I am in a relationship with forum member veganchick. We have been together for six years, share parenting of each other's children, own a home together and were legally married in January of this year. One of our earliest discussions was about open relationships/polyamory. Both of us had felt poly in the past but never been in a relationship that allowed any exploration. It was exciting to be falling madly in love with someone who was not going to close off any possibilities in life.

Early on we dabbled in swinging and still do, although very infrequently (once a year if we're lucky!) as time, jobs and parenting don't allow many opportunities. One of our first swinging experiences, and the most fulfilling, actually was closer to poly. We met casually at first in their home, our children played together; we talked and had dinner together. On our one and only date, we went out together and then back to our place, drank and sexed late in to the night. They stayed over and we made them breakfast in the morning. It was beautiful to us. Unfortunately, the husband was not ready for all of this, and we didn't see them again.

This is all relevant to show you the reader where I am coming from. We have had sex with friends, with strangers and in groups. We have had bonding experiences with another couple. We have spent hours reading this forum and years discussing being open. This past month has presented for the first time for either of us, veganchick an opportunity to explore another relationship on a solo basis.

This all began at an Intentional Communities conference in late August. While not a poly-specific event, there were many poly folks in attendance. It was very liberating to be able to talk/live openly about who we are with like-minded people. The most popular forum at the conference was the alternative relationships workshop. The setting for the event allowed for a great deal of personal freedom, that veganchick quickly took advantage of.

On a hot August Saturday night, there was a dance party at the intentional community hosting the conference. It was open to the conference attendees, the community and several nearby intentional communities. Quite the groovy, pack of dancing alterna-commune-hippie folks. There is no air conditioning in the community and shirts were quickly shed.

Veganchick loves to dance and it didn't take long for her to attract the attention of both men and women. Long blonde hair, glistening breasts and cute shy smile. What's not to love? Add to that an amazingly interesting and wonderful personality. Yes, she is the whole package.

One guy in particular was mesmerized, I'll call him Paul. Paul kept coming over to dance near veganchick. She said to me that she thought he liked her. I said "of course he does!" Having some body image issues (from pregnancy and childbearing), veganchick tends to have some self-esteem issues, mostly minor and not debilitating in any way. She went back in and danced with him, they spent a good bit of time sitting outside chatting and getting to know each other. I sat down with them for a few minutes to reassure everyone involved that I was okay with it all.

The next day Paul joined us for the alternative relationships workshop and for a tour of a neighboring intentional community. We all parted as friends and with heartfelt hugs.

Podunk 10-06-2011 01:24 PM

Upon our return home veganchick and Paul immediately began communicating electronically. While veganchick has had several online romances brewing over the past year, this had been her first in-person encounter. She was giddy with the excitement of capturing the attention of someone she found incredibly attractive on many levels. Veganchick had been also been in love for years with the idea of intentional community, and Paul's community in particular. That he was a member and could open the door of that community to her just sweetened the deal.

Plans quickly hatched for a return visit and grew from a few days to a weeklong stay. Not that it would have mattered, but I was not aware at this time that sex was already a planned part of the visit. I assumed it would happen and was okay with that. But veganchick chose not to disclose this to me, reasons unknown. The lies and deception had already begun.

Veganchick inquired what our rules/boundaries would be. After swinging together and seeing each other engaged in all kinds of sexual acts with others, what would be the value of rules and limits? I said "none" but quickly qualified that with safe sex and honesty. Those were to be the only rules. Veganchick happily agreed to this. The safe sex was even open to discussion in the future if this was to become a long-term thing, but for now there were to be no fluid exchanges.

Knowing veganchick as well as I do, I left her with a very serious and heartfelt piece of advice. She tends to rush in to things, especially romantic and sexual things. I warned her to protect herself emotionally, take things slow and make sure it's what she really wanted. To not do anything she would wish she hadn't done, too much too soon etc. Part of me knew she would do this anyway. But with 6 years of unshaken honesty and communication, I had no worries that there would be anything we couldn't manage together.

Podunk 10-06-2011 01:25 PM

Paul and the commune, these were the only things veganchick could talk about for the next two weeks. Finally I saw her off on her trip, overflowing with the excitement of adventure and romance. It was to be a lonely week for me; we hadn't been apart in 6 years.

But I was so happy for her to have the opportunity. She is almost a decade younger than me, was a young mother and missed the opportunity to explore many of her passions. I was deeply satisfied to help her have that chance, to explore intentional community, personal freedom, autonomy, sex, love and romance. I was eager to see her grow as a person, reaching toward her true potential.

Podunk 10-06-2011 01:25 PM

Apparently the sex started within hours of her arrival, so much for wrapping your head around something emotionally before diving right in. But with a swinging background, I guess it wasn't really too far out of line. (Or unexpected for that matter.) Of course, I didn't know that this was already pre-planned, I just know veganchick!

There was a roadblock though, Paul was having some anxiety about his new relationship and could not maintain an erection. This makes safe sex more difficult, so it was abandoned for three days of full-on unprotected oral sex. I didn't hear much from veganchick these first few days, guess it's hard to talk with a dick in your mouth? Fast forward to the present and veganchick now can't remember if Paul was wearing a condom when he came in her mouth, or if she swallowed his cum. This after already confessing to both versions? Hm, lies and deceit continuing even now?

By the fourth day I started to hear from veganchick most evenings, she was really enjoying the community and had a kid in a candy store outlook on all the cool people there. She was having an amazing time and I was happy for her. She told me how much she missed me and wished I was there with her.

She told me that there wasn't any chemistry between her and Paul, that "nothing had happened" between them. The lies were really beginning to take shape even as the sex was over. Due mostly to anxiety and family pressures on Paul's part (his wife is polyamorous as well and they have a young child), there wouldn't be any more sex for the rest of the trip. At least that's the current state of what I can discern from the lies and deceit.

Podunk 10-06-2011 03:42 PM

Finally this few days, turned to week, turned to 8 days trip was over. Veganchick returned home glowing with lively hippie commune inspired energy. She was more beautiful to me than ever. I told her so. We made love with renewed passion and couldn't get enough. I was seeing the results of her freedom in all the ways I had hoped for. Everything was perfect, our vision of life together rapidly evolving in to something bigger and better than ever. That is except for the blatant and constant lies and lies to cover up lies.

Immediately on her return home, veganchick offered up once again that "nothing had happened" between her and Paul. I had not inquired and simply assumed that the woman I know so well hadn't gone a week on a commune with a lover and kept her pants on. I was shocked and even a little disappointed at this. As our first solo venture as a poly couple, I had hoped this would be a door-opener for my own desires and passions. While still opening the doors of exploration, it didn't take us past the no solo sex boundary. Oh, so many lies!

Podunk 10-06-2011 05:55 PM

A week passed, the sex was phenomenal, our love of life together unshakeable or so it seemed to me. Then veganchick let it slip that she had kissed Paul. Not a big deal in and of itself, but certainly a lot more than "nothing" and greatly magnified by the earlier denial. It was big but not overwhelming and a relatively short discussion settled the matter. To put it in context we have been swingers and kissing is uncommon in that community. This was our first kiss outside of our six year relationship together. This would have been the time to come clean, but the lies would go on for another week.

Right around the time of our kissing revelation, we had a friend over for dinner. Veganchick spent hours raving about the intentional community and about Paul. This was all new to our friend who wasn't very familiar with Poly, but she likes alternative things of all sorts and took it in stride. At times veganchick's discourse went the way of smug self-aggrandizement. Not such a big deal at the time and forgivable considering her youthful excitement about her adventures. Completely distasteful and disgusting now considering the context of her lies and deceit.

All during this first week home, veganchick maintained that "nothing had happened" between her and Paul and the basically had no romantic interest in him. Meanwhile she was secretly discussing via email another possible trip to the commune. She was also telling Paul what a wonderful and meaningful time they had together and that she was looking forward to continuing where they left off. She now claims she was lying to him too during that period.

So many lies, which ones to believe? And for what? She had the most understanding partner anyone could ask for, a completely open relationship, few if any boundaries and six years of honest loving communication. The question of WHY will remain unanswered in this story.

Podunk 10-06-2011 05:58 PM

Not sure if it was before or after the kissing revelation, but we would meet one of Paul's other lovers at the Mother Earth News Fair. I'll call her Meghan. Meghan had briefly caught my eye at the earlier Intentional Communities Conference, but I didn't know who she was or anything about her at the time. It turns out that she lives in a neighboring commune to Paul and they meet frequently for sex, they are fuck buddies and not much more.

As we parted company with Meghan, I had a close and tight hug with her and at least for me there was some chemistry and excitement in that. She is beautiful and shaped just the way I like. Mainly she has a big round ass, something that physically veganchick can never fulfill for me. Veganchick has long known that and we have talked often about finding ways to fulfill that primal desire for me. Later that night veganchick and I would discuss me and Meghan, threesomes, foursomes and moresomes. Weren't we just one big happy poly family? The lies continued and another week passed.

Podunk 10-06-2011 05:59 PM

Then out of the blue there was a random email from Meghan to veganchick. She thought I was cute and wanted to know if next time veganchick visited Paul, if I might come and visit her. I had a bit of giddy schoolboy excitement in that thought, complete with butterflies in my stomach and racing thoughts of possibilities in my mind. Could life get any better? I had it all right? Except for the lies that continued to grow!

As we discussed the possibilities surrounding Meghan, I offered that if I had a week on the commune with her, the outcome would be very different than with Paul and veganchick. She seemed a little bewildered by this and offered up that it "wasn't like she hadn't done anything" and what did I mean? I laughed it off that she had kissed Paul and clarified that there would definitely be sex if I spent time with Meghan and probably lots of it. I guess that was too much for veganchick to take. She let it out that there had been "touching" between her and Paul. What? The lies began to unfold!

Podunk 10-06-2011 06:08 PM

Even then veganchick was still clinging to her "making out" terminology and said that she assumed I knew about this touching when she confessed to making out. I assured I did not know and inquired if this was just touching or naked touching. The answer was that it was "sort of naked" touching but "not really". How is one sort of naked? Even as I asked that question, she stuck with the "sort of naked" story.

To make matters worse veganchick began belittling me calling me "stupid" and an "idiot" for believing her lies. Did I really think "nothing happened"? Yes, of course I did. I was shocked that nothing happened, but with six solid years of open and honest communication and an open relationship, what reason was there to suspect anything different, much less lies and deceit and cover-up?

Podunk 10-06-2011 06:11 PM

The timeline gets vague here as night has run in to day and arguments and lies have all run together. This will be our fourth day of working through this. At this point I have broken off all physical contact, demanded STD testing and started the process of dissolving our marriage.

After intensive questioning, some hours later or the next day I'm not sure which, veganchick finally confessed to "some attempted" oral sex. She was also still clinging to the "sort of naked" line of shit! She maintained that Paul could not perform and therefore "nothing REALLY happened". We left it with that, our marriage shattered and crumbling and with veganchick pleading for forgiveness and another chance. I was doubtful of the story, but still not realizing the extent of the lies.

The next morning I started to open up about how deeply hurt I was. I could only assume that veganchick had been as truthful as possible, considering she was begging forgiveness and desperately trying to save our relationship. Unfortunately, truth and honesty seem to be something she has completely lost the ability to comprehend!!!

With doubts still in hand, I reluctantly began to offer more direct questions. The lies continued but at last it SEEMED that everything finally came out. There had been days of oral sex, both giving and receiving, but veganchick had not orgasmed and Paul couldn't get it up therefore "nothing had happened". (Before I could get this posted I learned that veganchick had lied to Paul at the time and told him she did orgasm.)

All times are GMT. The time now is 10:46 PM.