hislittlekitten
New member
Sigh. I'm exhausted but I can't get it out of my head.
So, two things:
1) I'm struggling a little with poly lately.
I just... right now... am having a hard time in the 'real' world, getting used to hiding my polyamorous relationship from family. Although it's mono on my end, and poly on his, I struggle with the idea that my man is in bed with another woman right now and if, for some ridiculous reason, someone were to ask, the honest truth would not be that my boyfriend is drinking with buddies, it would be that he's sleeping with his other lover.
I've just been told that I can't sell the cow when I've been giving the milk for free - unsolicited advice from my parents when my brother mentioned I'd been at my boyfriend's house all week - but while that normally wouldn't bother me (ha, they don't know what I truly believe about marriage), it's getting to me due to the fact that I have pretty strong feelings right now about my metamour laying in bed with my partner when she doesn't respect me.
So that is the mood that is exacerbating the problems. I'm feeling down. But... to the meat of the problem, the thing that isn't going to go away with a better mood and a few hours of sleep...
2) My metamour does not accept my position in my boyfriend's life.
My boyfriend says that she doesn't resent me, nor does she hate me, but she does not accept what I am in his life.
It's slowly making me crack. I will not approach her and she will not approach me. She has told him that she'll make changes, but what he has requested of her I'm not entirely sure; I know he has requested that she accept me as part of his life, but I don't believe she does.
I'm trying to be really fair to her, I am. I really want to have more positive feelings about her. I want to like her... but she doesn't even respect what I am to him. "No, she's not as strong as I am," he told me when I asked if she respects that I am his girlfriend. Ugh, red flag anyone?
At the very least, no matter how much I disagree with her life choices - that she's opened up her marriage (personally I feel OK with being involved in open relationships but not open marriages) - I still respect her. I respect that she made that choice, and I recognize my bias that I would not make the same choice. I respect that she chooses to carry on this relationship with my boyfriend and that my boyfriend chooses to carry on a relationship with her.
Part of my respect for her choice is believing that she's responsible for it, not anyone else. And she's also responsible for her actions and feelings. She hasn't owned up to any of those things lately, especially that she does not accept that his other relationship - which should have nothing to do with her - includes love, something she apparently thought was exclusively granted to her.
I've long accepted her position in my boyfriend's life - but I don't think she even knows her position in his life because she certainly doesn't know mine. She's *not* "the girlfriend," she is "the lover." She's a close, intimate friend. I wouldn't call her a friend with benefits - he might, but he doesn't find those words harsh, and I do. He has a close and intimate relationship with her, but me? I'm his girlfriend. We also have a close and intimate relationship, but we are partners. We support each other daily, in practical matters, and as publicly as we can (note: he's in the tail end of a divorce and has been in a long separation - due to my metamour's marriage and the fact that she and my partner are coworkers, they cannot be open with their relationship while he and I can). To some people, she might be a secondary. He might not describe her that way - definitely not to her face - but she isn't a primary.
Yeah, part of me feels guilty that it is part of what makes me feel secure about the relationship - that I am able to be closer to my boyfriend, to even call him a boyfriend, and that she isn't. But I understand that her relationship with him is different; part of that is circumstance (being coworkers, her being married), the other part is feelings (that he feels a certain way for me that he does not for her).
The hardass in me would not accept that one partner does not respect the other. If it were me, I would make it clear to my disrespectful partner that this is not okay, and that it has to stop - otherwise it's done. I do not have patience for such a thing. It would be like a mono partner not respecting my family.
The sympathetic person in me believes that she just needs time to accept that she isn't a primary. That she needs to get real about polyamory and realize that 1) she hasn't been conducting herself as if this is a polyamorous relationship (and yes, my boyfriend states that she "isn't being very poly"), and 2) she deserves the time to let go of the idea that she is his only love, and that can't just happen immediately.
So my questions for you all...
1) what are your thoughts? (Some of you have followed my journey with this relationship and I have gathered great insight from you all!)
2) what can *I* do to make this better?
3) what can I suggest to my partner to help make this improve?
4) where are my blind spots? Are there things I'm not considering, or bias I need to consider to help put this into better perspective?
One of my friends commented that I should be happier that this is my situation. That I have an upper hand. But I don't want to have that attitude. She's a person, too. She deserves respect. But why am I the one who can see that, yet she can't?
So, two things:
1) I'm struggling a little with poly lately.
I just... right now... am having a hard time in the 'real' world, getting used to hiding my polyamorous relationship from family. Although it's mono on my end, and poly on his, I struggle with the idea that my man is in bed with another woman right now and if, for some ridiculous reason, someone were to ask, the honest truth would not be that my boyfriend is drinking with buddies, it would be that he's sleeping with his other lover.
I've just been told that I can't sell the cow when I've been giving the milk for free - unsolicited advice from my parents when my brother mentioned I'd been at my boyfriend's house all week - but while that normally wouldn't bother me (ha, they don't know what I truly believe about marriage), it's getting to me due to the fact that I have pretty strong feelings right now about my metamour laying in bed with my partner when she doesn't respect me.
So that is the mood that is exacerbating the problems. I'm feeling down. But... to the meat of the problem, the thing that isn't going to go away with a better mood and a few hours of sleep...
2) My metamour does not accept my position in my boyfriend's life.
My boyfriend says that she doesn't resent me, nor does she hate me, but she does not accept what I am in his life.
It's slowly making me crack. I will not approach her and she will not approach me. She has told him that she'll make changes, but what he has requested of her I'm not entirely sure; I know he has requested that she accept me as part of his life, but I don't believe she does.
I'm trying to be really fair to her, I am. I really want to have more positive feelings about her. I want to like her... but she doesn't even respect what I am to him. "No, she's not as strong as I am," he told me when I asked if she respects that I am his girlfriend. Ugh, red flag anyone?
At the very least, no matter how much I disagree with her life choices - that she's opened up her marriage (personally I feel OK with being involved in open relationships but not open marriages) - I still respect her. I respect that she made that choice, and I recognize my bias that I would not make the same choice. I respect that she chooses to carry on this relationship with my boyfriend and that my boyfriend chooses to carry on a relationship with her.
Part of my respect for her choice is believing that she's responsible for it, not anyone else. And she's also responsible for her actions and feelings. She hasn't owned up to any of those things lately, especially that she does not accept that his other relationship - which should have nothing to do with her - includes love, something she apparently thought was exclusively granted to her.
I've long accepted her position in my boyfriend's life - but I don't think she even knows her position in his life because she certainly doesn't know mine. She's *not* "the girlfriend," she is "the lover." She's a close, intimate friend. I wouldn't call her a friend with benefits - he might, but he doesn't find those words harsh, and I do. He has a close and intimate relationship with her, but me? I'm his girlfriend. We also have a close and intimate relationship, but we are partners. We support each other daily, in practical matters, and as publicly as we can (note: he's in the tail end of a divorce and has been in a long separation - due to my metamour's marriage and the fact that she and my partner are coworkers, they cannot be open with their relationship while he and I can). To some people, she might be a secondary. He might not describe her that way - definitely not to her face - but she isn't a primary.
Yeah, part of me feels guilty that it is part of what makes me feel secure about the relationship - that I am able to be closer to my boyfriend, to even call him a boyfriend, and that she isn't. But I understand that her relationship with him is different; part of that is circumstance (being coworkers, her being married), the other part is feelings (that he feels a certain way for me that he does not for her).
The hardass in me would not accept that one partner does not respect the other. If it were me, I would make it clear to my disrespectful partner that this is not okay, and that it has to stop - otherwise it's done. I do not have patience for such a thing. It would be like a mono partner not respecting my family.
The sympathetic person in me believes that she just needs time to accept that she isn't a primary. That she needs to get real about polyamory and realize that 1) she hasn't been conducting herself as if this is a polyamorous relationship (and yes, my boyfriend states that she "isn't being very poly"), and 2) she deserves the time to let go of the idea that she is his only love, and that can't just happen immediately.
So my questions for you all...
1) what are your thoughts? (Some of you have followed my journey with this relationship and I have gathered great insight from you all!)
2) what can *I* do to make this better?
3) what can I suggest to my partner to help make this improve?
4) where are my blind spots? Are there things I'm not considering, or bias I need to consider to help put this into better perspective?
One of my friends commented that I should be happier that this is my situation. That I have an upper hand. But I don't want to have that attitude. She's a person, too. She deserves respect. But why am I the one who can see that, yet she can't?