Secondary dealing w/ partner's jealous Primary

CangshuNuhai

New member
This is my first poly relationship and I've been getting some uncomfortable vibes from my partner's primary (We'll call them J).

My new partner (We'll call them C) and I are in NRE and in response to this, J has been jealous and imposes rules and compromises to cut my time with C.

I recently learned that J does in fact want C all to themself. Such instances and rules have occurred/been set in place:

• J has been invited to join C and I to relax together, but J refuses as to not wanting to share C with me.
• I usually tag along with C to pick up my OSO from work, J, being jealous of this time I spend with C, had made the rule that I must go alone to get my OSO so J can have C to themself.
• J says C and I are only allowed to sleep beside each other if we have our own room and bed (yes, this means J doesn't want us falling asleep cuddling on the couch either)
• J doesn't allow me in their's and C's bed. Taking advantage of this, J will try to get C to come to bed for the rest of the night, knowing I can't follow.
• J often doesn't greet/acknowledge me when I come over unless I do it first.
• J sometimes seems to use calculated language as if to subtly yet passive-aggressively remind me that they are C's primary and I'm not (ex. Refers to themselve as C's "mate" and "fiancee" [even though C expresses quite a disinterest in marriage] and refers to me meerly as C's "sub")
• J talks about their sexual experiences with C in front of me, knowing it makes me uncomfortable due to my own jealousy issues (This is my first time having to share a partner)

I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I'm very passive by nature but I'm tired of having every bit of alone time (and I don't even have a lot to begin with) with C cut into because of J's jealously.

Advice?
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I cannot read initials. I will make it be "Jane" and "Carl" so I can read it better, ok? Then it becomes..

Jane has been jealous and imposes rules and compromises to cut my time with Carl.

And did you or Carl agree to these new agreements? If not? Just don't follow them. Say "No, thanks Jane. I'm not up for those new agreements."

CARL is responsible for his time management.

  • She can ask Carl all she wants for stuff. But Carl doesn't have to automatically agree.
  • If Carl's made agreements that affect you without checking in? That's is CARL's doing. Tempting as it is to blame Jane.
  • If Carl is not managing his time on the the Jane side of the V well so she gets her time needs met? That's also Carl's doing.
    • He can either step it up so she chills.
    • Or she could dump him because he does not meet her reasonable time needs.
    • Or if she's asking him for more time than he can give? NOT reasonable? Carl could tell her he cannot meet her time needs and cut her loose.

Jane has been invited to join Carl and I to relax together. Jane refuses as to not wanting to share Carl with me.

Fair enough. She doesn't want to hang out in trio. You guys don't have to. It can be a V that is separate.

I usually tag along with Carl to pick up my OSO from work. Jane, being jealous of this time I spend with Carl, had made the rule that I must go alone to get my OSO so Jane can have Carl to themselves.

You tag along? Why is it Carl's job to get your OSO? Or did you mean Carl chooses to tag along with you when you do this chore?

Carl is the boss of how he spends his time. Not Jane. If Carl wants to go somewhere, he goes. Tempting as it is to blame Jane for this new car pick up rule? He's the one obeying this. He could say "No, thank you. I am not willing to do that."

Why do you know so much about (Jane + Carl) stuff anyway? Is Carl a sloppy hinge that blabs all his Jane problems to you? So (You + Carl) time ends up being talking about (him+Jane) problems?

Jane says Carl and I are only allowed to sleep beside each other if we have our own room and bed (yes, this means Jane doesn't want us falling asleep cuddling on the couch either)

Is it her bed? Her couch? Fair enough. She can say who uses her furniture. Why doesn't Carl see you at your place so you two don't have to deal in this?

Jane doesn't allow me in (Jane and Carl's) bed. Taking advantage of this, Jane will try to get Carl to come to bed for the rest of the night, knowing I can't follow.

Jane is free to invite Carl to come to bed with her. Carl can say NO if he prefers to stay with you.

Again... why are you even over there? Carl could date you at your house and skip all this Jane stuff.

Jane often doesn't greet/acknowledge me when I come over unless I do it first.

So stop hanging out so much at her home. Then the few times you bump into each other, be ok greeting first.

You can be polite even if she's not being so polite. You don't have to LOVE her. But the same basic polite "Hello" you would do the the bank teller when you bump into them at the bank or grocery clerk when you bump into them at the grocery is fine.

Jane sometimes seems to use calculated language as if to subtly yet passive-aggressively remind me that they are Carl's primary and I'm not (ex. Refers to themselve as Carl's "mate" and "fiancee" [even though Carl expresses quite a disinterest in marriage] and refers to me meerly as Carl's "sub")

You are not able to ignore this? Or just AGREE to take the wind out of her sails? "Sure, Jane. You can call yourself his mate and call me his sub." She can call herself purple and you orange if she wants. What difference does it make in reality? :confused:

Again... seems easiest not go over there to Jane and Carl's home so you don't have to be listening to this.

Jane talks about their sexual experiences with Carl in front of me, knowing it makes me uncomfortable due to my own jealousy issues (This is my first time having to share a partner)

You are not able to say "Jane, please stop talking about sex with Carl in front of me. I don't talk about sex with Carl in front of you. Basic sex health labs as needed are plenty. I don't need TMI details. Please respect my limit. If the bottom line is that you want Carl to practice monogamy with you, I suggest you talk directly to him about changing that rather than TMI-ing me."

Then you have told her what to stop doing and what to start doing in her behavior.

OR

Just do not go over there to hang around where Jane is. Then you don't have to be listening. Carl is the one dating her -- HE can be the one listening to her go on and on.

If Carl comes over to date you and he blabs about his Jane problems? Tell him be PRESENT on (You + Carl) date time. Or go home if he cannot leave his Jane problems at home. You do not want the (you + Carl) date time to be all about Jane.

Most of this can be solved by simply not being in the same space as her. She doesn't want to hang in trio anyway. I don't see why you want to.

DO you want to? I think more "separateness" could be better here.

I'm very passive by nature but I'm tired of having every bit of alone time (and I don't even have a lot to begin with) with C cut into because of J's jealously.

Tempting as it is to blame Jane? The one in charge of Carl's calendar is CARL. If he's not meeting your time needs on your side of the V?

  • You could ask him to step it up.
  • Or you could cut him loose because he doesn't meet your time needs.

Galagirl
 
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I'm going to be moving in with this couple in less than 2 months and I'm over at their place often right now because my OSO also lives with them.

"Carl" is trying to mediate and make compromises so that we get along and are satisfied in the same living space. "Jane" has run off past OSOs of "Carl" due to her behavior (and yes, Jane admits to this being the case) so Carl is trying very hard to make this work by keeping both of us in the loop on the changes that are going to happen.
 
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't move in. At least not as someone whose dating Carl. Different with your other OSO. You're getting very clear signals of what it will be like. None of that would be okay with me.

It's more than okay to refuse to do a relationship where there's someone who has more influence on the decisions that affect you than you. How "Carl" reacts to that is his choice. He can change. He can step back and sort out the jealousy. He can break up with Jane, or honor your boundary and step out of relationship to stop causing you grief.

You may want to read morethantwo.com's basic relationship rights, secondary relationship rights, and couple privilege essays.

My one set of advice to you- make a commitment to value yourself more than you value the relationship. I can see already you getting unhappy, and frankly, I think you're getting treated badly and being asked to comply. But if you put up with it, it will explode.

None of this behavior is okay in mono. And therefore it is not in poly, either.
 
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Compromises should not be made in basic decency and fairness. Assuming they should because of pre existing structure is couple privilege. That feels awful to be on the receiving end of- and is hard to fight, because the offenders don't see it
 
I'm going to be moving in with this couple in less than 2 months and I'm over at their place often right now because my OSO also lives with them.

Wow! I smell disaster! Is "Jane" even Poly? She sounds like a mono forced to accept "Carl's" other relationships.
 
Do not do it. Don't move in. You are allowed to change your mind on that. Say NO.

I'm going to be moving in with this couple in less than 2 months and I'm over at their place often right now because my OSO also lives with them.

You don't have to see OSO over there. You can ask your OSO to come see you at your place so you are both free from Jane and Carl drama.

TBH? I think you hang out over there way too much when there are other options available. If I were Jane I would be annoyed too that you are over at my house all the time either dating Carl or dating OSO. Go home. Date your people at your own house. She might be blowing up, but you sure aren't helping by choosing to be there so often rather then exercising other your options.

"Carl" is trying to mediate and make compromises so that we get along and are satisfied in the same living space.

If you are this unhappy with (Carl and Jane drama) when you do NOT live there?

I don't see how living there would make it better. It seems more likely that you would feel even MORE suffocated by it if you lived there.

You already have your own place and don't have to deal with (Carl and Jane drama) if you don't choose to. Carl cannot offer you better than that with his "compromises." Right now you get the option to go home and GET AWAY from drama any time you want.

If you move in with Carl and Jane? You lose that option. Your home would BE the crazy home and the only way to leave the (Carl and Jane drama) is to go wandering around in the street or stay over with a friend. Why would you pick that? Rather than just keep maintaining your own drama free space?

Don't move in and do something detrimental to yourself just so Carl gets his desire for everyone to be under one roof.

I think Carl needs to come to grips that his desire for everyone under one roof? That is not a SHARED desire by all.

"Jane" has run off past OSOs of "Carl" due to her behavior (and yes, Jane admits to this being the case) so Carl is trying very hard to make this work by keeping both of us in the loop on the changes that are going to happen.

Carl could ACCEPT Jane cannot live with others harmoniously. He's seen it play out already from past experience with Jane. If he chooses to live with Jane rather than choosing to maintain his own separate home? Then he could accept his other partners are better off living on their own elsewhere. He could go see them at their homes instead of bringing them to (Carl's and Jane's home). That's a better way for Carl to "make it work" than him trying to force people to all live together than don't want to.

I think Carl is delusional thinking everyone living together will come out happy. It takes more than just Carl's voice to make that happen.

  • Carl is saying "Yes! Move in!"
  • Jane is clearly saying "Hell no!" loud and clear.
  • You are saying "Not comfortable here, worried, upset...."
  • OSO is saying...?

Even without knowing how OSO feels about it? It's not a 4 person joyful YES. That's the only way it would work. If ALL persons looooove the idea of living together and ALREADY get along great. ALL want to make it work.

  • Do all persons love this? NO. You don't love this. Jane does not love this.
  • Do all persons already get along great? NO. You do not get along great with Jane. She does not get along great with you.
  • Do all persons want to make it work? NO. You already know Jane admits to sabotaging others if they try to move in.

How does all that that equal "Yay! Sounds great! I want to move in!" for you? :confused:

To me it sounds like "No way! Don't want to live like that! I rather keep my own place!"

I'm tired of having every bit of alone time (and I don't even have a lot to begin with) with C cut into because of J's jealously.

How will moving in where Jane lives help bring you more (Jane-free alone time with Carl)? It won't. Sounds like it would bring you more (Jane hovering around time) instead.

Maintain your place so you have a place away from drama. Do not move INTO the drama.

And in the end? It's not Jane in charge of Carl's time. Carl is in charge of Carl's time.

He seems to have lots of energy. Instead of spending all this energy on trying to make all these people that don't get along live together anyway under one roof? He could spend some of that energy in making space in his calendar to see you at your place instead. Way easier to do!

Does he also date your OSO? Is he trying to do some harem building?

Galagirl
 
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Hi CangshuNuhai,
I have two bits of advice:

  • Tell C you need C to spend more time with you.
  • Spend as little time around J as possible.
Are you sure you have to move in with J and C? I'm afraid that if you do move in with them, an awful train wreck will occur on the tracks ahead. J's grip will keep on tightening.

Sorry you have to deal with all this. :(
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I have no idea why you are planning on moving in with J and C and your OSO. (BTW, we don't know the genders here, since 1234567 was careful to use the pronoun "they." It's rude to assume genders and label them as Jane F, and Carl M.)

Could you explain why you are planning to move in with them? Is it just C's idea, or also your OSO's idea? It sure doesn't sound like your idea. What about your comfort? No one cares? You have to care! You do care, since you asked for our advice here. I hope you take it.

Maybe you're living at home with your parents and itching to get out? Why not get a place with OSO, assuming you and OSO get along well? Then C could come to you, and J would have C all to themselves at their home. They, J, might then feel more comfortable.

My partner once dated a guy, M, who never came to her place. He insisted she take public transport to his place (she didn't own a car), which he shared with his Domme/gf. My partner was fine with this... for a short while. M was supposed to be her Dom (his first attempt at Domming, since he was a sub to his Domme/gf, and naturally submissive himself). It was terrible, because the Domme was so jealous and hardly ever gave my partner and M time to themselves. She also insisted M sleep with her in their bed, and my partner had the guest room for overnights. M didn't own a car, since he takes public transport to work (big city), and his Domme had a car. But he was very well off, and had the money to get a Zipcar... I used to tell my partner that he should do that! But he never did. He never once came to my partner's house in their 6 months as lovers.

So their relationship fizzled. My partner got tired of the long bus ride to M's place, just to be surveilled by his Domme. Soon after she let things sort of fade... M broke up with his controlling Domme! (He got another gf soon after. My partner wasn't interested in being more than friends at that point, despite the Domme being out of the equation).

So, my example is meant to show you, your input in this uncomfortable dynamic could produce good and healthful changes and forward movement, not just for you, but for all of your network. It sounds like you're being very passive and letting others make choices for you. In this case, you're letting your metamour make relationship decisions for you and J. That is, excuse me, ridiculous. C, no matter their gender, needs to grow a pair, and so, my dear, do you.
 
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Who is 1234567? :confused: The OP here is CangshuNuhai.

With all due respect, Mag, you seem to be taking offense where none is meant. But I could be wrong and if I have inadvertently been rude to CangshuNuhai, I'm wiling to stand corrected. That was not my intention.

Thank you for reminding me that gendered alias names might bother some people.

I thought I acknowledged I was taking a liberty just to make my reading easier. I really cannot read initials well. I thought it was tacitly understood that I was willing for CangshuNuhai to correct me with alias names they like better. It's their thread, they can make it be how they want. Since they posted and went with it and didn't say "You know what? Let's use these names instead..." I thought it was good enough for sake of conversation at that point. They are aliases after all.

I am still willing to stand corrected and have CangshuNuhai pick different names if it bothers them.

Galagirl
 
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Who is 1234567? :confused: The OP here is CangshuNuhai.

I'm sorry to you and 1234567. For some reason I mixed up their names.

With all due respect, Mag, you seem to be taking offense where none is meant. But I could be wrong and if I have inadvertently been rude to CangshuNuhai, I'm wiling to stand corrected. That was not my intention.

Thank you for reminding me that gendered alias names might bother some people.

You're welcome. I hate single initials used as nicknames too, here. But in this case, since CangshuNuhai used the pronoun "they" for all the other parties, I didn't think it was fair to "gender" anyone.
 
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