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-   -   Thinking about trying it :) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=691)

sweetlivvie 08-28-2009 06:17 AM

Thinking about trying it :)
Hi there, I'm Liv. I'm brand new to these forums and to the idea of polyamory in general, but I'm very seriously considering trying it.

I've been reading the forums a bit and it would seem our situation is a little bit different than most.

"J" and I are incredibly close friends with a very strong romantic attachment to each other. He also is quite fond of another girl, "S". Around the same time a few months ago, "S" and I both confided in "J" separately that we thought we might be bi-sexual and were wanting to have an experience with a girl. He introduced the idea of a threesome to me, and then to her, both of us agreeing to try it. The three of us started talking a lot, and eventually she and I were talking to each other every day. By the time we finally met, we both felt like we already knew each other. The experience was amazing, and we all three just laid there cuddling afterwards. Since then, we've grown even closer. The two of them are my best friends. When "J" asked me if I would ever consider being in a relationship with both of them, I almost immediately said yes. She has expressed interest in pursuing a relationship with us as well, although she is admittedly worried that she might have feelings of jealousy. I understand because I feel jealous too sometimes, but he is so good at making sure we both know how much he loves us individually and how much he loves us together. The whole thing just makes my heart happy. I truly do love this woman and I love him as well. I can't wait to talk to them every day and see them. I love the idea of a future with all three of us :)

I guess I'm just wondering what others think about this. Can it work if neither one of us is an established couple already? What is the possibility of a long-term poly relationship? What about marriage and children? Is this something you share with friends and family or do you keep it quiet? lol, sorry, I just have a lot of questions about it. If anyone has any answers or just advice that I should know, I'd love to hear it :D

Thanks so much!

Quath 08-28-2009 01:49 PM

Congrats on your relationships. It sounds like it is off to a good start.

I would think it would be easier for three to come together rather than a couple adding a third. That gets rid of someone feeling like the third wheel to an established couple. From what I have seen, triads are not the easiest to keep stable. As people change over time, it tugs at relationships. It is hard to get it to tug well in a triangle type relationship. So I think it takes some additional work to keep a triad going well.

But in reality, this is true of all relationships. Imagine a standard statistical marriage with a 50% success rate. Now imagine tha a triad is made of three couplings (or bonds). If they had a 50% success rate, then there is a 1 in 8 of it working, 1 in 8 of it fullly failing and 3 in 4 of it turning into a vee. (Huge oversimplification.) Triads have many advantages like having additional support from other partner and some bonds strengthen the other bonds. So This improves the odds for triads.

But it all comes down to relationship skills you learn over time in a poly relationship. Just make sure everyone's desires and needs are communicated. Deal with jealousy more as an indication of deeper feeling than treating the symptom itself.

Sharing or not is an individual opinion. Do you worry about people judging you? Could it affect a job? Personally, I decided to come out of the closet on several issues. The end result is that I surround myself with friends who like me for who I am and I don't waste my time chatting with family members that don't like me for who I am. There is nothing to be shamed of. Most peope will just treat you like you bought a ticket to the Titanic and wait for the inevitable fallout. Or they may feel bad for you since they will see the guy has having a mini-harem. When I was in a triad, my gf was out to a few of her friends at work. She explained that she at least got the variety of a man and a woman.

There is no reason why you three could not get "married" though it will be more of legal issue in a realm dominated by monogamy. For example, the law will tend to see one couple with a roommate. It will also see two people as parents. Maybe one way to deal with that last part is to divide up child bearing in three ways. One be an egg donor and the other be the surrogate mother.

Wanyway, wish you well.

NeonKaos 08-28-2009 01:59 PM

I've said this elsewhere, but if you decide to all live together, it's not a bad idea for each person to have their own room. You can sleep together however you want, but having your own space(s) to do whatever and keep as neat or as messy as you want is important.

foxflame88 08-28-2009 09:37 PM


Originally Posted by Quath (Post 5692)
I would think it would be easier for three to come together rather than a couple adding a third. That gets rid of someone feeling like the third wheel to an established couple.

Coming from both your experience AND having been the third to join an existing couple, I totally agree with that. :)

It sounds like you three are all off to a great start. Remember to continue to keep open communication and it'll strengthen your relationship.

NeonKaos 08-28-2009 11:00 PM

I vote yes to starting a triad from scratch.

sweetlivvie 08-30-2009 06:00 AM

You guys are awesome! Thanks for listening :D I'm just sort of bubbling over with excitement, and needed to tell someone! And thanks for the advice You have given me a lot of great stuff to think about :)

XYZ123 08-30-2009 02:20 PM

Starting as a triad might actually be easiest. You all have a say in the way the relationship develops from the very beginning. It seems like a more equal way to work it than a third joining a couple. Godd luck.

Oh-and welcome aboard!

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