Keeping busy

Gabriella

New member
When your SO is out with someone else, what do you do with your time? My hubby is out of town visiting a new playmate and I'm kinda at a loss on what to do with myself.
 
I sat in a parking lot and cried, texted my other loves, and tried studying for my exam. Granted I was 6 hours from home and asked not to get myself a hotel room so I didn't really have a lot of options known to me. If I wasn't such an introvert I may have gone out, but being in a strange city alone didn't inspire my confidence of that being a good idea. We only tried once in my home and I did not appreciate giving up my bed, so I paced the halls. I feel guilty for not feeling ok about B & L being alone when J is not there to distract me.
 
Well if hes hosting I take the kids out to dinner or go out with a friend. Usually he leaves so I just go about my usual business. He ususlly plans his dates while I'm at work or school so we don't lose time together.I work 2 ovns a week so that's his chance to have someone spend the night
 
I sat in a parking lot and cried, texted my other loves, and tried studying for my exam. Granted I was 6 hours from home and asked not to get myself a hotel room so I didn't really have a lot of options known to me. If I wasn't such an introvert I may have gone out, but being in a strange city alone didn't inspire my confidence of that being a good idea. We only tried once in my home and I did not appreciate giving up my bed, so I paced the halls. I feel guilty for not feeling ok about B & L being alone when J is not there to distract me.

Why didn't you get your own room?
 
Hmmmm

Well, I'm assuming you have a healthy relationship with your SO, so why don't you try to coordinate schedules? So that you're with your other SO(s) when he's gone on the weekend.

If you don't have any other primary relationships and you're not dating at the moment, it can be harder to be alone, BUT....

...remember that your first primary should always be yourself ;) If you don't have a partner around you, go out and do something fun on your own :) I might be weird, but I'll just go out to a festival or something, figure I'll bump into new friends, and I usually do. Most people will be out with groups of friends, and if they see you all on your own, will often include you if you ask (and think you're SOOOO brave for venturing out on your own!)
 
When your SO is out with someone else, what do you do with your time? My hubby is out of town visiting a new playmate and I'm kinda at a loss on what to do with myself.

Regardless of the fact that your partner is off doing something without you, it is very important to have something going on in your life. Some people are goal driven so they are working on a new project, some people are socially driven so they go to different "meetup" type groups, some people are promiscuous so they have various lovers they visit... whatever works. The important thing is that you do what you want to do and avoid looking at life through your experiences with someone else. "Serious" couples have a tendency to forget that they are individuals and neglect their personal needs and desires. I find this to be a bad habit.

What did you do with your time before you and your husband hooked up? What do you do when he's off camping with the guys? Is this the first time you've been alone?

The question is, what would you like to be doing right now? You have some free time, go do it!
 
Crafts, spend time with my other partners or friends.
 
As a homebody and and introvert, I am often home by myself - which is fine by me. Sometimes it is because the boys are out (concerts, festivals, socializing, etc - stuff I have chosen not to participate in), sometimes it is because they are working on a project, sometimes it is because they are asleep. So it is not terribly different if I am home by myself (or with only one of the boys) for whatever reason, including a date.

I generally do the same things that I do when the boys are here - poke around on the internet (including reading/posting on these forums), play my MMORG, read a book, etc. We are all good with being together in the same place while doing our own things. We all live together so we have lots of "together" time when we want it with no pressure to force "togetherness" into short periods of time. Interestingly, they end up spending more awake time together than I do with either one (or both) of them - since I work more than full-time and need to sleep on a schedule.

The most recent posts in my "Notebook" blog on this site talk about my feelings/experiences while Dude has been out on his first 2 OKC dates. Some of the time I had MrS with me, some of the time he was home but asleep, some of the time I was home by myself. All Good.

JaneQ
 
I guess my problem is that this is the first overnight he's been gone doing this, and it's a whole weekend. I thought it was an issue with not keeping busy enough, but it's turned out that I'm not okay with him being away this long doing that. :( It's now a totally different discussion.

I did spend some time last night with a friend that's kind turning into a new playmate and spent half the time crying on her shoulder. :(
 
I don't know what kind of person you are and what kind of thing you like to do normally. It sounds to me that you knew of these plans at least a little bit ahead of time. My first thought on what I might do in a similar situation is to plan and host an epic party.

Do things you like to do that your SO isn't as into. It's a good opportunity to be able to do those things guilt free. I gather that you and your SO spend quite a bit of time together when he is home. I wonder if this is part of the reason that you're feeling a bit at a loss with what to do with yourself.
 
I thought it was an issue with not keeping busy enough, but it's turned out that I'm not okay with him being away this long doing that. :( It's now a totally different discussion

It's a different issue with the same solution.

This is a control issue. The control issue stems from insecurity and fear that they won't come back (or that they'll come back in love with their new squeeze). It is fueled by fear that you are not cool enough for them to want to come back to. It may also accelerated by an "out of control" feeling stemming from the fact that you don't have any say over his actions and that can be unsettling to realize.

From top to bottom the problem is insecurity.

The solution is to be comfortable in your own skin and to let go of the idea that some other person completes you. This other person doesn't complete you, they are simply a nice addition to your environment while both of you agree that they should be. You survived just fine before this person came along and you'll survive just fine should they decide to run off to Mexico with this new person.
 
Hmmmm

or that they'll come back in love with their new squeeze

...well, coming back after one weekend in love? :) I know you were just being sarcastic, but it CAN be unnerving when someone who loves you, then falls in love with another.

Even though the basis of poly means "many loves," actually being faced with that can be a totally different thing.

I always feel the best thing to do is remind yourself that he or she loves you, too, and that's not going to change.
 
...well, coming back after one weekend in love? :) I know you were just being sarcastic, but it CAN be unnerving when someone who loves you, then falls in love with another.

Even though the basis of poly means "many loves," actually being faced with that can be a totally different thing.

I always feel the best thing to do is remind yourself that he or she loves you, too, and that's not going to change.

I think that if this is really anxiety producing, polyamory might not be for you.
 
"..well, coming back after one weekend in love? I know you were just being sarcastic, but it CAN be unnerving when someone who loves you, then falls in love with another.

Even though the basis of poly means "many loves," actually being faced with that can be a totally different thing.

I always feel the best thing to do is remind yourself that he or she loves you, too, and that's not going to change."

Even though I'm posting here, I am not poly. My husband would love it, but I'm not wired that way. One of our guidelines is that there are no sleepovers, and I think I need to include all partners in it, including out of town. It's not the sex that bothers me, it's the intimacy of sharing waking up together and post-sex sleepy cuddling that is making this whole weekend awful.
 
"The solution is to be comfortable in your own skin and to let go of the idea that some other person completes you. This other person doesn't complete you, they are simply a nice addition to your environment while both of you agree that they should be. You survived just fine before this person came along and you'll survive just fine should they decide to run off to Mexico with this new person."

You, Marcus, sound like you're a textbook poly person. I'm really happy that it works for you. I, however, am not. I believe that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, that my husband and I make a fabulous team. I'll survive if he runs off, but he will take a part of me with him. I have never met anyone else who makes me laugh, challenge me intellectually, or feel loved, like he does. I'm not poly because I'm not wired that way, but I can't imagine that there is anything someone can add to my life that we don't have together. He has that poly wiring and has told me that he would love to see me love someone else. :( That's why I'm here.

I do agree with you that it's important to feel comfortable in your own skin. Usually I don't have that problem, but coming up on his third night away is wearing me down.
 
::Hugs::

Instead of framing this as a "bad" thing, it might help to frame it in your mind as "change." Lots of change is hard. All sorts of life events can bring about change. Change can cause growth. Change can be neutral or good.

My guess is, since you and he are married and make a good team, you've learned about each other, made adjustments, worked things out, and gotten good at doing things as a team. With a little more work and a few more adjustments, you two could get good at this, too.

My other thought is to ask if it would help for him to include you more while he is away. Is he texting, calling, and otherwise communicating with you about how great his life is and how wonderful you are?

I find if I am more in the loop about my partner's time away, my imagination doesn't run as far afield. If you are hearing that he's happy, you make more positive associations with his travel much the way you might if he were away visiting family instead. I'm not talking about details of sex, but what about dinner and that movie that he would now like to see with you, too.

This stuff won't work for everyone, and is just one approach. For me, it's like exercise. I tried all the trends and eventually found what worked best for me. Best wishes.
 
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::Hugs::

Instead of framing this as a "bad" thing, it might help to frame it in your mind as "change." Lots of change is hard. All sorts of life events can bring about change. Change can cause growth. Change can be neutral or good.

My guess is, since you and he are married and make a good team, you've learned about each other, made adjustments, worked things out, and gotten good at doing things as a team. With a little more work and a few more adjustments, you two could get good at this, too.

My other thought is to ask if it would help for him to include you more while he is away. Is he texting, calling, and otherwise communicating with you about how great his life is and how wonderful you are?

I find if I am more in the loop about my partner's time away, my imagination doesn't run as far afield. If you are hearing that he's happy, you make more positive associations with his travel much the way you might if he were away visiting family instead. I'm not talking about details of sex, but what about dinner and that movie that he would now like to see with you, too.

This stuff won't work for everyone, and is just one approach. For me, it's like exercise. I tried all the trends and eventually found what worked best for me. Best wishes.

This is one thing I will bring up when we talk. Whenever he goes away for any reason, there is always radio silence. Hate it, and it definitely made this weekend worse :(
 
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