Explaining Everything?

Valynn

Active member
I have a first date coming up on Friday. We met on NYE at a local karaoke bar. And we are really into each other. And I want to as the title says 'explain everything'. He is an older gentleman (55 to my 45), divorced with 2 older daughters (both in their 20's), former Marine who is going through cancer treatment.

I have told him that I would like to take our relationship slow. I refuse to just jump into the sack with him. But now I need to make perfectly clear what he is getting with me. A bi, poly, Asatru/Odinist, medievalist, geeky, gamer girl. The last thing I want is to scare him off. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated.
 
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I can share my thoughts as a fellow bisexual female (also 45), and let the others here fill in the gaps on poly. I struggle with this in dating, too, as I've learned some men are more comfortable with the term bi than others, and I have other pretty private info along those lines. At first I thought I needed to blurt out all the little pieces that make up who I am so they would know exactly what they are getting themselves into.

Now I am taking more of a slower approach, trying to fill in details when a particular topic comes up. Why tell personal details about your sexual preferences when you're only discussing sports (in my cases - LOL)? I don't think it matters if you have been chatting for an hour, a day or a week, let the conversation guide you in the timing of what and when to share so you feel comfortable in doing so. Good luck on your date!! :)
 
I can share my thoughts as a fellow bisexual female (also 45), and let the others here fill in the gaps on poly. I struggle with this in dating, too, as I've learned some men are more comfortable with the term bi than others, and I have other pretty private info along those lines. At first I thought I needed to blurt out all the little pieces that make up who I am so they would know exactly what they are getting themselves into.

Now I am taking more of a slower approach, trying to fill in details when a particular topic comes up. Why tell personal details about your sexual preferences when you're only discussing sports (in my cases - LOL)? I don't think it matters if you have been chatting for an hour, a day or a week, let the conversation guide you in the timing of what and when to share so you feel comfortable in doing so. Good luck on your date!! :)

TY and I agree. I need the advice cause, we'll call him Roma, is very intense. He wanted me to leave the bar with him on NYE. I said no, but did make out with him as the ball dropped. The last thing I want is for him to think I am stringing him along.
Last night I went back to the same bar with friends and Roma jokingly said that he was 'getting jealous' of my best friend's BF. The group of us all openly flirt with one another but that is all. Angela, my best friend is poly too but JR her BF is mono.
 
How do you know he's really into a relationship, and not just taking you home on NYE?

Anyway, I would not try to explain everything at once. Poly has to be mentioned, but there's no pressure to show all you other identity-defining interests at once. You said you want to take it slow, so take it slow. Take your time to really get to know him.

I'd also spend some time thinking about your deal breakers. If he's just into sex now (perhaps with a 'carpe diem' attitude, prompted by the closeness of death), is that something you would do? If he thinks pagan religions are just fairy tales, does it make him someone you don't want to relate to? Things that are crucial should be mentioned early.

I also recommend being comfortable with the fact that your deal-breakers may "scare him away". That's why they are deal breakers and why we mention them early. Because if the other person can't take it, it's better not to start anything at all.

A good way to find out about these things is imho open questions, that don't give your position right away, so that you're more likely to get a glimpse of his true stance. "What's your take on open relationships?" "I have some sympathy for paganism. Have you ever heard about it?", or even more roundabout ways to bringing the topic up in conversation, like mentioning a friend or celebrity who... . Once you get at least a first impression about his reaction, you can proceed to explain where you really stand on the topic (or not, if the reaction is very judgemental).

If subtlety fails, you can always be very direct.

Anyway, good luck with your first date.
 
I'm not one to go to bars, or make out with a random stranger just because the ball dropped. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) I date with dating sites/apps. So my profiles clearly state, I am polyamorous, or ethically non monogamous, pansexual, live with my female partner, we don't share partners, and I am kinky, intellectual, a leftie, sapiosexual, and kinda pagan.

This clears away all the people who are: mono and not poly friendly, vanilla, grossed out by "the gay," evangelical Christians, right wingers, and all that.

If you just want a one night stand with someone after drinking the evening away, no need to explain whether you are straight or bi, in a serious relationship or marriage, ethical or cheating, and what religion, if any, you practice. All that matters is physical chemistry (and one would hope, being somewhat confident the guy isn't an ax murderer).

If you really clicked with this bar acquaintance, and would be interested in seeing if he was compatible for a long term, but poly, relationship, I'd tell him asap more about who I was. Maybe him saying he was jealous of your friend's bf who was getting flirted with, is a pink if not a red flag. Or maybe it's the opposite. Maybe he'd like all the girls to flirt with him, and maybe fuck him. Maybe he'd be fine with you flirting with and fucking others.

"The last thing I want to do is lose him," is a large statement after only seeing a guy a couple times. He doesn't even know the real you yet, and vice versa. Risk "losing" him, is my advice. You don't even really have him yet. You want a guy who likes you for the real you, right? Tell him who you are. And find out who the real him is, as well. What his cancer prognosis is, what his energy levels are, and whether you can handle that, for one instance.
 
Hi Valynn,

I would tell Roma about your polyness first. Then, ease into the other pieces as openings come up in the conversation. Don't be in too big of a hurry to tell everything, but let things develop naturally. You shouldn't have to be afraid of telling him who you are. Just my 2¢.

Good luck on your first date! :)
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
How do you know he's really into a relationship, and not just taking you home on NYE?
Oh, he told me that he wanted to "Bring New Year's in with a bang." with me. But I knew that neither one of us were making sober decisions that night. I am the one holding the reins on this very eager Italian stallion tightly. :cool:

Anyway, I would not try to explain everything at once. Poly has to be mentioned, but there's no pressure to show all you other identity-defining interests at once. You said you want to take it slow, so take it slow. Take your time to really get to know him.

I'd also spend some time thinking about your deal breakers. If he's just into sex now (perhaps with a 'carpe diem' attitude, prompted by the closeness of death), is that something you would do? If he thinks pagan religions are just fairy tales, does it make him someone you don't want to relate to? Things that are crucial should be mentioned early.

I also recommend being comfortable with the fact that your deal-breakers may "scare him away". That's why they are deal breakers and why we mention them early. Because if the other person can't take it, it's better not to start anything at all.

A good way to find out about these things is imho open questions, that don't give your position right away, so that you're more likely to get a glimpse of his true stance. "What's your take on open relationships?" "I have some sympathy for paganism. Have you ever heard about it?", or even more roundabout ways to bringing the topic up in conversation, like mentioning a friend or celebrity who... . Once you get at least a first impression about his reaction, you can proceed to explain where you really stand on the topic (or not, if the reaction is very judgemental).

If subtlety fails, you can always be very direct.

Anyway, good luck with your first date.

TY, I will take your advice to heart & incorporate it into the convo on Friday. If anything I have already warned him that I am considered to be very blunt.

I'm not one to go to bars, or make out with a random stranger just because the ball dropped. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) I date with dating sites/apps. So my profiles clearly state, I am polyamorous, or ethically non monogamous, pansexual, live with my female partner, we don't share partners, and I am kinky, intellectual, a leftie, sapiosexual, and kinda pagan.

This clears away all the people who are: mono and not poly friendly, vanilla, grossed out by "the gay," evangelical Christians, right wingers, and all that.

If you just want a one night stand with someone after drinking the evening away, no need to explain whether you are straight or bi, in a serious relationship or marriage, ethical or cheating, and what religion, if any, you practice. All that matters is physical chemistry (and one would hope, being somewhat confident the guy isn't an ax murderer).

I have been on most of the popular dating sites, with the exception of Tinder, for years. I have been deemed by eHarmony to be "unmatchable". And I recently had a meetup with a guy from OKcupid. But he wasn't interested on taking it further.

On all of my profiles I say at the top that I am Poly/non-monogamous. And yes I have encountered some really nutso religious people out there, be it IRL or the internet.

I also have never picked a guy up from a bar. I walked out that night with his cell # & the memory of some very hot kisses.

If you really clicked with this bar acquaintance, and would be interested in seeing if he was compatible for a long term, but poly, relationship, I'd tell him asap more about who I was.

That is what I plan on doing during the date on Friday. The sooner the better IMO so there is no confusion.

Maybe him saying he was jealous of your friend's bf who was getting flirted with, is a pink if not a red flag. Or maybe it's the opposite. Maybe he'd like all the girls to flirt with him, and maybe fuck him. Maybe he'd be fine with you flirting with and fucking others.

All of this is a possibly. I don't know. But he could have been trying to figure out the dynamic of my group. *shrugs* We shall see.


"The last thing I want to do is lose him," is a large statement after only seeing a guy a couple times. He doesn't even know the real you yet, and vice versa. Risk "losing" him, is my advice. You don't even really have him yet. You want a guy who likes you for the real you, right? Tell him who you are. And find out who the real him is, as well. What his cancer prognosis is, what his energy levels are, and whether you can handle that, for one instance.

I never said that I was afraid of losing him. I have a tendency of being "too much" or as I call it "scary to handle". I didn't want to overload him with too much information at once. I have conformed for relationships in the past and they never ended well. I refuse to waste my time & his on something that is just not compatible.
 
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Hi Valynn,

I would tell Roma about your polyness first. Then, ease into the other pieces as openings come up in the conversation. Don't be in too big of a hurry to tell everything, but let things develop naturally. You shouldn't have to be afraid of telling him who you are. Just my 2¢.

Good luck on your first date! :)
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thanks. Our phone conversations do flow nicely, I just hope that once we are by ourselves without the distractions of the bar that it will stay that way.
 
It sounds promising so far.
 
It sounds promising so far.

Unfortunately Roma is somewhat tech illiterate. He barley knows how to use his cell. And will not text me back, which I am not totally upset with cause he calls me back.

Yesterday was the first of three treatments this week. I knew he was going to be ill so I didn't text or call. I texted today hoping to brighten his day. He called right back BUT I think he ended up pocket dialed me cause all I heard was mumbled talking & fabric rustling. I am hoping he will call later. :rolleyes:
 
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Heh, mumbled talking and fabric rustling, don't know why that makes me laugh. :D
 
I have been on most of the popular dating sites, with the exception of Tinder, for years. I have been deemed by eHarmony to be "unmatchable".

Interesting. Because you want open relationships?

[quote[ And I recently had a meetup with a guy from OKcupid. But he wasn't interested on taking it further.
[/quote]

I have had first dates with SO MANY MEN from OK Cupid. Hardly any of them have worked out. It's not that all the men were total losers, I am just really picky.

I have been seeing one OKC guy since August. I also met my long term (10 years) live-in female partner on OKC right after my divorce! I've had 3 other 2.5 year relationships with men from OKC, and a handful that lasted 4-7 months before they ended for one reason or another. It's work to find someone compatible, and I'm in a suburban area east of Boston which is quite progressive.
On all of my profiles I say at the top that I am Poly/non-monogamous. And yes I have encountered some really nutso religious people out there, be it IRL or the internet.

I also have never picked a guy up from a bar. I walked out that night with his cell # & the memory of some very hot kisses.

I never said that I was afraid of losing him. I have a tendency of being "too much" or as I call it "scary to handle". I didn't want to overload him with too much information at once. I have conformed for relationships in the past and they never ended well. I refuse to waste my time & his on something that is just not compatible.


Oh I misquoted you. You said you didn't want to scare him off. I don't find that people find me "too much," or "scary." But some men said I am "adventurous and charming," but they are looking for monogamy.
 
Interesting. Because you want open relationships?

Probably.

I have had first dates with SO MANY MEN from OK Cupid. Hardly any of them have worked out. It's not that all the men were total losers, I am just really picky.

I have been seeing one OKC guy since August. I also met my long term (10 years) live-in female partner on OKC right after my divorce! I've had 3 other 2.5 year relationships with men from OKC, and a handful that lasted 4-7 months before they ended for one reason or another. It's work to find someone compatible, and I'm in a suburban area east of Boston which is quite progressive.

I am smack dab in the middle of Nassau County on Long Island, so I am as suburban as you are. I too have become very picky about who I date. After the fiasco of my failed triad-esque relationship. I do not want to do that again.


Oh I misquoted you. You said you didn't want to scare him off. I don't find that people find me "too much," or "scary." But some men said I am "adventurous and charming," but they are looking for monogamy.

Not a problem.
I feel like I give off the impression that I am an in you face , never back down, super sensual, tom boy type woman. And to the men I have met it in very intimidating. Plus I am 5'8 & 1/2" tall in flats. So I end up being their height as well. Roma is a slight bit taller than me so that isn't a problem :D
 
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eHarmony won't match people who aren't straight, so the bisexual bit might have been the issue. Also they are Christian fundamentalist owned so pagan is a no go too (although they might not admit that).
 
eHarmony won't match people who aren't straight, so the bisexual bit might have been the issue. Also they are Christian fundamentalist owned so pagan is a no go too (although they might not admit that).

Of course they aren't going to mention those things. they would lose all their business. I still believe that the questions are just a bunch of phoey anyway. Ever take a look at the happy married couple they show on their commercials? They all have the same fucking noses. It's scary. :D
 
Hey Valyn, the last time you posted was a year ago, asking the same question (when do I tell a prospective partner I am poly?), as now.

You didn't update about that guy from a year ago, I don't think. Greg(?) was from SCA and you were planning a weekend with him. That didn't work out, I guess.

Isn't it odd, that in a year, you still haven't decided when it's the right time to tell a new person you're poly?

And btw, I also grew up on LI, Suffolk County.
 
Hey Valyn, the last time you posted was a year ago, asking the same question (when do I tell a prospective partner I am poly?), as now.

You didn't update about that guy from a year ago, I don't think. Greg(?) was from SCA and you were planning a weekend with him. That didn't work out, I guess.

Isn't it odd, that in a year, you still haven't decided when it's the right time to tell a new person you're poly?

And btw, I also grew up on LI, Suffolk County.
Yo, gurl! Ya's gotta friend here! LOL (thank the Gods I do not talk like that.)

*huge sigh* Greg. He wasn't what I was looking for or lead me to believe. I never got to stay at his house. And I found out after event season started for me, (the busy season) that he was in a LDR with a woman from Brazil. Who, had just moved to the US.
I was so furious that I let myself not see his cheating that I just shut down & concentrated on my soapmaking business.

I had thought about doing an update on the other thread. But I didn't want my feelings about Greg to tainting what I was hoping to be finding in Roma.
 
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Quick Update

Roma called to reschedule our date for next Friday due to being too ill from having multiple cancer treatments this week. :(

I am not surprised and actually had told him that that this was a possibility of happening. I told him to take care and that I will continue to call him during the week as we have been doing.
 
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I have conformed for relationships in the past and they never ended well.

They never end well for anyone who is conforming for another. So what if you're "too much" for him? Nobody is "too much" for the right person. Tell him who you are, listen to who he is. This is what dating is for. When someone is right for you, there is nothing you can be or say that will scare them off and you don't have to carefully drip feed them info about yourself, you just spill all over each other with glee.
 
They never end well for anyone who is conforming for another. So what if you're "too much" for him? Nobody is "too much" for the right person. Tell him who you are, listen to who he is. This is what dating is for. When someone is right for you, there is nothing you can be or say that will scare them off and you don't have to carefully drip feed them info about yourself, you just spill all over each other with glee.

That is what I am hoping for.

The last thing I said to my mom as she dropped me at the bar on NYE was "Hey, with the new year upon us, maybe I'll find my a man! with the last part of the statement said with a cartoonist twang. It seems to be coming true and I don't want to mess it up.
 
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