Moment of self pity

Flowerchild

New member
I keep reading stories out there of some woman dating a man whose wife is "thrilled" that they've found love....and here I find myself....well, not even close to that. In my case, the wife thinks I'm totally useless and unattractive (I'm slender, Asian, late 20s, and running a project to bring new jobs to a city that both needs and can support it).

Is it unrealistic to expect her to be happy for me?
 
I don't know ....are you good friends with her?

Where you reading those stories ? Do you think that's the norm ? I don't know the norm but maybe those stories are more fiction than reality. Or happen but with less frequency.


Hey congratulations on the project :D. I'm happy for you.
 
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So what do you mean she thinks you're "useless"? I wouldn't be so worried about how attractive she thinks you are btw.
 
Most likely she is jealous of you.
 
In my case, the wife thinks I'm totally useless and unattractive

She told you these things? Or she told him these things and he's reporting them to you?
 
Unfortunately, it appears that monogamy is drilled into people's heads from a young age (I appear to be the one exception that I know of), that many appear to let the behaviors of competition and jealousy continue to rule their psyches. In that case, you could be the most kind, most attractive, most accomplished, most talented person on Earth, and it would likely only make her jealousy worse.

While I don't think it is unrealistic across the board to want the wife to be happy for you, it appears it may be in this case.

All of that said, Marcus makes a point. From whom are you getting this info?
 
Who is telling you this?

The same BF who is telling you the other brainwashy sounding things?

If hanging around him is unhealthy for you mental health -- could stop hanging around him then. You are responsible for your own well-being.

Is it unrealistic to expect her to be happy for me?

You could hope it. But how she feels isn't up to you.

If the fact is that she IS NOT happy for you at this time?

Could examine your feelings/conduct to see how your choices are affecting you (and the other people in the polyship).

Could consider how her feelings/conduct choices affect you (and the other people in the polyship).

Could consider how his feelings/conduct choices affect you (and the other people in the polyship).

Could consider if you feel like continuing to participate in this polyship in this emotional climate. The polymath could matter to you. Or not. Up to you.

Again... You are responsible for your own well-being and what people you choose to expose yourself to.

Galagirl
 
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I know her, but she's not yet comfortable talking to me. So he tells me third hand. He told me 1) That she has said she thinks I'm not pretty and 2) He tells her things I've accomplished, and he says she just dismisses them. I mean, I'm not like a supermodel brain surgeon, but I'm pretty damn good for him (and quite a bit younger). So, yeah, I expect them both to be more accomplished and successful than me (otherwise, what am I doing with them? Why would I want someone older who is still floundering around?)
 
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He told me these things, 1) That she has said she thinks I'm not pretty and 2) He tells her things I've accomplished, and he says she just dismisses them.

why does he tell YOU all that? If he is into you, why does he need to put you down using a third party who for all you know, never said those things?

If my spouse habitually badmouthed my other partners about things that are unrelated to the way i am being treated by them, i would say to my spouse, "what the hell is YOUR problem? If you don't like the way C looks, don't look. If you don't like what R does for work, don't lock your keys in your truck."
 
Why on earth are you dating someone who goes out of his way to tell you hurtful things, and to stir up the waters between metamours? :confused:

I don't think your problem is the wife, it's your jerkface boyfriend.
 
Why on earth are you dating someone who goes out of his way to tell you hurtful things, and to stir up the waters between metamours? :confused:

I don't think your problem is the wife, it's your jerkface boyfriend.



High-five.
 
Hold on now people

Ok so I definitely see where everyone is coming from where bringing up hurtful things might not be the best idea. But in my current relationship if R had something bad to say about me I would kind of want to know about it so I could address the issue. Flowerchild, it sounds like his wife is not fond of the idea of you at all and I don't think your looks or your occupation have anything to do with what she is saying about you; the wife here seems petty to me in the sense that she will talk down about stupid little things like that instead of just saying she has an issue with her husband dating someone else. I really though, don't fault the guy too much, yea he could stop telling you all the stuff she says (that is if he is telling you EVERYTHING she says) but honestly if I were in your position I would want to know exactly what i'm dealing with as opposed to just wondering blindly. Don't let anything she says affect you or your personal image btw, shes probably just upset and jealous and that can do a lot of bad to a person's head. Don't take it personally, and if you really think that he is bringing it up too much just tell him and I bet he will stop, he might just not realize that he's bringing it up too much, instead of the popular opinion of he is conspiring to pit you and his wife against each other. Of course i havent met any of you so I really can't know either. Trust yourself and voice your wants and needs and if your in the right place with the right people, the things you want to change will, however slowly.
 
Your BF doesn't need to repeat all that to you. His doing that does not improve relationship between you and the wife.

Wife could talk to you direct if she wants to tell you things.
You could talk to wife direct yourself if you want to know things.
Your hinge could not make himself the go-between and get all into triangulation weirdness.

And if the internal polyship climate here is this poor, you could think about walking away and no longer dealing with EITHER her baggage or his baggage and exposing yourself to their weird. Less baggage for you is less baggage for you.

You could seek a healthier polyship dynamic than this.

Galagirl
 
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Why on earth are you dating someone who goes out of his way to tell you hurtful things, and to stir up the waters between metamours? :confused:

I don't think your problem is the wife, it's your jerkface boyfriend.

I have to concur. When we started this whole poly-shebang, there were some hurtful things said by my husband about my boyfriend. I didn't repeat them.

It may be unreasonable to expect her to like you. That can't be answered without knowing what is being said to her about you and knowing her.

But I damn sure would be questioning a lover who was repeating trash talk to me....
 
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