Am I Polyamorous?

PorcelainPowder

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I have been a serial monogamist since I was sixteen, but there has always been that undeniable urge to love more than one person. I have had several year-long or longer relationships, but never cheated.

About a year ago I dated the person I thought to be my "soulmate," John, but our relationship ended after a year because my inward feelings overwhelmed me. After John, I had about six or seven lovers before meeting Sébastien, my current boyfriend. It was very difficult for me to leave John, considering how much I loved him and how much I thought the two of us were meant to be, but I am proud of myself for breaking up, because as he considered himself very traditionally monogamous, I would've hurt him and denied myself.

When I am in one relationship, I tend to feel trapped, unable to exercise my sexuality, nurturing and creativity to its fullest extent. I discussed these feelings with Sébastien, and he seemed to be very understanding and allowing, and stated that he wanted to respect me but he was not interested in other lovers. We made a deal that I could have sex with women. Hallelujah! However, several nights later I met a girl to whom I was attracted, and who was also attracted and interested in me. I mentioned the compliments she had given me to S. and he reacted with jealousy. I went to a party with her two days later and we ended up sleeping together at my apartment. S. was furious, and I guess I expected it, but I wanted to do it, and I justified it in a very immature manner. I imposed polyamory on my boyfriend, which I regret doing. I have since told him I won't do it again. She was also hurt because I considered it just sex, seeing as how we were both in LTRs with other people.

I would like to understand how something like this can work. I am deathly afraid of jealousy, however. At 22 years old, I have just come to the point in life where I have accepted myself as an attractive and lovable individual. I was orphaned at 14 and after that lived with a very emotionally abusive, controlling, fundamentalist family for six years. I am still dealing with the fallout: guilt, self-hatred, anxiety, fear of rejection and abandonment, and depression. I was very jealous with boyfriends in the past, but have been trying to purge that from my life and have succeeded in ways I never thought I was capable of. I feel like with the right person it could work.

I don't know if my inability to stay happy in a monogamous relationship is just an outward manifestation of my own insecurity, a.k.a. my desire to be an object of attention. Honestly I think my denial of my poly nature is due to insecurity and fear of jealousy. My compliance with traditional norms is perhaps my way of keeping a secure relationship despite my own frustration.

Any advice is much appreciated.
 
To the question in your headline- it sounds as though you are poly, although the insecurity is possible.


However, I disagree that what you had with Sebastian was imposed upon him. Sebastien said you could have sex with women. You discussed it, he gave hte green light- I don't see how that imposed it upon him. He could have said no, he had that choice- but instead he agreed that you could do it. The only person I see who's been wronged here is the girl who thought it was more than sex when it wasn't- and that's only if you lead her to believe it was.

You should try talking to your boyfriend about why he got jealous- see if you can work on that and fixing the problem while you're both calm. Jealousy is a big deal, and hard to handle, but many people can get past it. I've seen sites aimed at poly people for dealing wiht your jealousy that you might be able to show him. It's not an overnight hting, it' doesn't fix itself immediately, but if you can get to a point where he genuinely is okay with you being with other people (women or not), it might work out.
 
Why did Sébastien change his mind about being ok with you being with another woman? Was it that he was not as prepared as he thought he was? Did he think it was going to lead to a threesome? Did he start worrying about you falling in love with her?

Wanting to escape monogamy is not necessarily polyamory. Maybe you are just into swinging? But since you say you want to love more than one person, it sounds more like polyamory.

You could have some insecurity on top of all of this as well. Do you see yourself pushing away anyone when you get close to another person? Are you trying to run away from a serious relationship?
 
.I have been a serial monogamist since I was sixteen, but there has always been that undeniable urge to love more than one person. I have had several year-long or longer relationships, but never cheated.
Serial Monagamy is the "moral standard" these days. Many Christians believe that it is immoral, and choose to assert certain verses of biblical text to justify it. I can argue the opposite point and will save that argument for another thread.

It was very difficult for me to leave John, considering how much I loved him and how much I thought the two of us were meant to be, but I am proud of myself for breaking up, because as he considered himself very traditionally monogamous, I would've hurt him and denied myself.
That was a noble gesture. Acting on his feelings instead of your own shows strong empathy. I am an empath, and I appreciate knowing other empaths.

When I am in one relationship, I tend to feel trapped, unable to exercise my sexuality, nurturing and creativity to its fullest extent.

You are capable of recognizing your own feelings. Typically that is the first recognizable trait of an empath. You might be one.

I discussed these feelings with Sébastien, and he seemed to be very understanding and allowing, and stated that he wanted to respect me but he was not interested in other lovers. We made a deal that I could have sex with women. Hallelujah! However, several nights later I met a girl to whom I was attracted, and who was also attracted and interested in me. I mentioned the compliments she had given me to S. and he reacted with jealousy. I went to a party with her two days later and we ended up sleeping together at my apartment. S. was furious,

I am sure you feel badly about his feelings, but he is the one who made and broke the deal. To allow your empathy for him to overcome the mechanics of the deal is the wrong usage of empathy. Such usage is classic of abuse victims. You are allowing yourself to be dominated by those empathic feelings, and setting yourself up to be a doormat. Don't do. Draw the line in the sand. Don't blame yourself or him. Jealousy is a natural extension of the monogamous morality. It is one the toughest obstacles of a poly.

You need to realize how much work it could require to overcome jealousy, and then decide if the change in your moral code is worth the effort.


I have since told him I won't do it again. She was also hurt because I considered it just sex, seeing as how we were both in LTRs with other people.

If it was just sex, then it really isn't poly, IMO. It is swinging, and that would actually be a different argument that Sebastien could have with your affair. You certainly need to understand that a good poly relationship is with two or more significant others, and can be an LTR. You almost become a family, but for the legal restrictions. NSA sex is NSA sex, not poly; IMO.
 
StarGazer, thanks for your reply. You are right that perhaps I had the right to have sex with her, seeing as how he agreed. The problem was I knew he would be jealous considering his reaction to her compliments, and I did it out of opportunism. I did not lead the girl to believe it was more than just sex. She had told me her boyfriend gave her the green light to have sex with other girls as long as it didn't include a goodbye kiss because that was too intimate. I complied.

Quath, those are all very good questions. I don't see myself pushing away the other partner, but I have never tried a poly relationship so I'm not sure how I would react. Things did change when I slept with the other girl, I felt less close to him, but I think only because I knew that our monogamy was preventing me from spending time with her...because she genuinely did like me and I didn't want to have the temptation.

alphafour, thank you for the kind words. I am an empath, in fact, that is very observant of you. I only know perhaps two others like me, so it is likewise nice to hear from you. I do agree that NSA sex is NSA sex, but when you agree to be in a strictly mono relationship, polyamorous relationships are out of the question...so my inward feelings might not reflect what is occuring in my life. However, it's possible I'm just a swinger.
 
Quath, those are all very good questions. I don't see myself pushing away the other partner, but I have never tried a poly relationship so I'm not sure how I would react. Things did change when I slept with the other girl, I felt less close to him, but I think only because I knew that our monogamy was preventing me from spending time with her...because she genuinely did like me and I didn't want to have the temptation.
Yeah, that is tough. When you think you could love someone else but felt restrained, it can cause some resentment. It also sounds like your boyfriend may be a little insecure. He probably feels that if you do love someone else, you will love him less. You can try to convince him that this is not true to try to ease his jealousy.

I wish you luck.
 
It appears from here that neither you nor S are ready for a serious relationship. You both lack a sense of boundaries and responsibility for yourselves.

S assented to you fucking women. He then got jealous when you found one attracted to you and got angry when you actually fucked her. That speaks to an immaturity that prevents serious, healthy relationships.

You, after having told S that you desired women and having acted on that then decided that you needed to further justify that in some fashion. That speaks to you lacking the maturity to take responsibility for your actions; if you had accepted full responsibility, you would have felt no need to justify anything further.

Having two people not ready for a serious relationship together isn't a recipe for success, I'm afraid. And the personal issues you mention that you have yet to get a handle on are likely to cause problems in any relationship you enter.
 
StarGazer, thanks for your reply. You are right that perhaps I had the right to have sex with her, seeing as how he agreed. The problem was I knew he would be jealous considering his reaction to her compliments, and I did it out of opportunism. I did not lead the girl to believe it was more than just sex. She had told me her boyfriend gave her the green light to have sex with other girls as long as it didn't include a goodbye kiss because that was too intimate. I complied.

That is a tough situation. He had given consent, but was clearly uncomfortable with it. It probably would've been better to try and address the jealousy and find out if he was genuinely okay with it or just saying he was before doing that.

As SeventhCrow pointed out- it'd've been even nicer of he'd had realized it himself, and was open enough with his feelings to talk to you about it rather than get angry when you did exactly what he said you could do.

alphafour, thank you for the kind words. I am an empath, in fact, that is very observant of you.
I don't know if I am or not- how do you tell?
 
I don't know if I am or not- how do you tell?

It is typically a self realization of how you can feel the feelings of others. Some people liken it to mind reading, because you start to pick up on the feelings beneath the words. You have to visualize going through the pain of others. It believe can be acquired through training. Mine came from spiritual contacts and the realization of training I had previously recieved from counselors and mentors. In her case, it may have come from the abusive treatment she recieved as a child. Such shocks can trigger deep inner reflections.
 
If it was just sex, then it really isn't poly, IMO. It is swinging, and that would actually be a different argument that Sebastien could have with your affair. You certainly need to understand that a good poly relationship is with two or more significant others, and can be an LTR. You almost become a family, but for the legal restrictions. NSA sex is NSA sex, not poly; IMO.

Couldn't agree more my friend. If this is about getting to have lots of friends with benefits or one night stands I also don't see this as poly. For me poly involves real feelings with depth, not just saying, "I can love more than one person" and using poly as a way to justify having multiple sex partners.

I don't think this is a poly question. I think it is an open relationship agreement issue. You had an agreement, he was not clear on his real feelings, you chose not to address his jealousy concerns and the other girl got hurt because you were not up front with your intentions around sex.
Hope this doesn't sound harsh, but is the way I see it.
Take care
 
Couldn't agree more my friend. If this is about getting to have lots of friends with benefits or one night stands I also don't see this as poly. For me poly involves real feelings with depth, not just saying, "I can love more than one person" and using poly as a way to justify having multiple sex partners.

I don't think this is a poly question. I think it is an open relationship agreement issue. You had an agreement, he was not clear on his real feelings, you chose not to address his jealousy concerns and the other girl got hurt because you were not up front with your intentions around sex.
Hope this doesn't sound harsh, but is the way I see it.

I'm sorry, but you don't know me and I feel you are being unreasonably judgmental. It's not that I never wanted real feelings to be attached with this girl, it is that I am not in a situation that permits such a thing so I had to guard my heart and make it an "open relationship." If we had agreed that I was free to pursue a relationship with her things might have gone differently.

I'm sure you didn't start out fully polyamorous either, and that it was a process for you. I'm sure you resent the idea that any poly person just wants to have "legal adultery" as much as I do. Despite my feelings that I can love more than one person, I cannot act on those feelings while in a monogamous relationship. Do you not agree?

I never said I just wanted a bunch of fuck buddies, those are a dime a dozen and I could and have had that easily and plentifully. I don't need poly to justify anything in that situation.

It is easy to write off someone as being just a selfish playgirl and call yourself legitimately polyamorous when you are in a poly relationship, but I liken that to saying a gay man is not really gay because he is dating a girl and hasn't come out of the closet.
 
I'm sorry, but you don't know me and I feel you are being unreasonably judgmental. It's not that I never wanted real feelings to be attached with this girl, it is that I am not in a situation that permits such a thing so I had to guard my heart and make it an "open relationship."

I'm sure you didn't start out fully polyamorous either,

I apologize if I came off judgemental. It is a weakness I have and should recognize. I am very protective of the ideal of polyamory and what it means to me.

That being said, the above statement indicates that you did not have real feelings for this girl prior to the physical intimacy. This just gives me the impression that this was purely sexually motivated and not a desire to have an intimate relationship which is the difference between open and poly relationships in my opinion. I just feel people need to be very clear on what their expectations are when engaging in a relationship especially when it deals with something as powerful as sex. The emotional impact on the other person should always be considered above personal needs...assumptions should not be made.

As far as me being "fully polyamorous"....That is simple..I am not even a little polyamorous in nature. I am monogamous in a polyamorous relationship. I couldn’t begin to imagine being intimately in love with more than one person.

I again, did not mean to offend.
 
To the question in your headline- it sounds as though you are poly, although the insecurity is possible.


However, I disagree that what you had with Sebastian was imposed upon him. Sebastien said you could have sex with women. .

I'm sorry again. Getting the green light to have "just sex" with other women reduces the use of polyamory in this case as a tool to have casual sex. Sebastien didn't have polyamory imposed on him as the nature of the agreement is not polyamorous by definition. There are some very knowledgeable polyamorous people on this forum (I don't include myself in this as I am monogamous) who can lend some advice on this I am sure. I'll step back from this one now and let more experienced people help.

Take care and I wish you the best
 
I'm sorry again. Getting the green light to have "just sex" with other women reduces the use of polyamory in this case as a tool to have casual sex. Sebastien didn't have polyamory imposed on him as the nature of the agreement is not polyamorous by definition. There are some very knowledgeable polyamorous people on this forum (I don't include myself in this as I am monogamous) who can lend some advice on this I am sure. I'll step back from this one now and let more experienced people help.

Take care and I wish you the best

And she only had sex with the other woman- I don't see how polyamory into play came in at all, which further begs the question of how was it imposed upon him?.

If she started dating her behind his back and then said "Oh, I'm in love now, you gotta get used to this"- I'd agree she imposed it upon him. But that's not the situation.
 
Agreed, it sounds like this is just an "open" relationship and S wasn't ready for it. I'm finding people have to be in a real relationship for a long time to "get it" and begin to deal with it to the fullest extent...and derive deep emotional benefit from the communal aspect of poly. Sleeping around is just sleeping around, not poly.
 
It sounds as if you have the opinions of many others that what you attempt to practice is not poly... but thought I would add my two cents for what it is worth...

I agree that what you have practiced so far is an "open relationship." The fact that you called it Poly and then proceeded to have sex with someone even though your partner was struggling makes me think that in fact you were cheating on him... it sounds like you let him know your feelings about wanting to be free to love others, he told you his boundaries, you agreed to respect them, met someone, he felt jealous, nothing was resolved about his feelings and then you slept with someone anyways. This to me is cheating. If someone disrespects another by doing something beyond their comfort zone sexually with or without their knowing it is going to happen to me is openly cheating. To say you won't do it again is ridiculous and unbelievable. Perhaps you should be searching for other like minded people to have romantic relationships with or at least discuss that you are this way inclined before entering a relationship with them. Doing this would be respectful to them and to you. I am not convinced that you love S enough to make Poly or an open relationship work with him by the actions you have taken.

Poly to me is about respecting boundaries both another's and your own, this is how love is proven... it can never be proven by going with your horniness and thinking that just because you have said you are Poly means you can do whatever you want.

I would hope that next time you would take the time to get to know who you are wanting to be intimate with. I would hope you would take the time needed to make sure your partner feels respected, loved, cherished and comfortable with the idea. Lastly, I would hope you would take the time to make sure you partner gets to know your new potential partner and the idea of the two of you being intimate. Only then, when everyone is ready, should steps be taken to physical intimacy. This is what a Polyamorous relationship is to me. Otherwise you do come off as wanting a "fuck buddy" and are in fact a "play girl." This is fine, but call it what it is, not Poly please.

I am not meaning to sound harsh and I am not trying to be judgmental. I feel for you and respect that you are still young and that at your age it is important to try things out in order to find out your place within it all. I was so much like you when I was your age and can completely relate. Sorry too that I sound like an old lady (I'm turning 40 this year) that is inflicting my wisdom on you but I hope that you can take it as such, learn from it, make it your own and turn it into your own wisdom to pass on. You sound like a smart woman who knows what she wants. There is nothing wrong with that, but to do it in harming none and helping all is better all around for you and those around you... and I believe, the whole world... (but that is another thing :))
 
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