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-   -   two primaries: One partner is sad & lonely when I'm w/the other (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=37438)

lilyankh 01-15-2013 07:57 PM

two primaries: One partner is sad & lonely when I'm w/the other
I have two primaries, husband and boyfriend. My husband is very busy and works a lot. I don't get much time with him during the week at all, but he is always free on Saturday and so he gets most of that day and night. Then there is my boyfriend. He has a lot of free time and we spend a lot of time together through out the week. Never the less, when I am with my husband my boyfriend struggles. Especially at night he gets sad and lonely. ...My boyfriend is very new to the poly concept and while he wants to be with us... he still struggles sharing me. What can I do to help? What can I suggest for him to do? My husband gets Saturday nights and these are the hardest for him. Are there any threads on this? (He is from another country. English is his second language. He can't drive and he doesn't have many friends. ...as you can see that makes typical solutions to this problem difficult for him.)

New Poly,Fem. Hinge w/2 str8 males

CattivaGattina 01-15-2013 10:44 PM

Something like this might be good for me to pass on to Primal. Peaseblossum has problems being without him any time he has plans with me or Lamian because her primary partner isn't able to spend all the time she wants with him.

So any advice that I could pass on to her to hopefully make things easier for her will be better for everyone (mainly her and Primal especially if it lowers their fights over this stuff).

Magdlyn 01-16-2013 12:11 AM

How long have you been with your 2 men?

Your bf has a learning curve about keeping busy when his poly gf is with another. Jealousy is a horrible feeling! If he's only been with you a few months he is in NRE and that can make you driven to spend as much time as possible with the new lover.

It's on him to distract himself that ONE night a week he can't be with you! LOL. See friends, work out, get a new hobby, anything intense enough to be a solid distraction. Compersion can grow out of jealousy but it can take time. I hope he doesnt feel in competition with your husband and make any cowboy moves to get you all to himself!

GalaGirl 01-16-2013 03:15 AM

If he is sad because he is lonely?

And he doesn't speak the language well or drive well yet and he has not made new friends yet because he's new in the country?

Could trying to take some language/driving classes a possibility and making some new friends help? And see if the class is offered like... on a Saturday night?

Is the sad stemming from jealous? Could anything here help?

You can encourage and be supportive, but he's could own his own feelings, and then he could change his own behavior to hope to feel something new. Because if what he's doing right now on Saturdays is magnifying "sad and lonely" type feelings -- well.... change the behavior then. See if it feels better.

Does he have suggestions to offer for solving this himself when you talk to him? Or is he laying it all on you to solve?


lilyankh 01-16-2013 05:32 PM

answering your questions
I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 3. I have been with my boyfriend for about 9 months. I don’t think he is jealous, he is more just lonely and sad he can’t have me all the time like he could if he was in a monogamous relationship. He was not poly until he fell in love with me and I told him it was the only way he could be with me.
My boyfriend is not here legally so he does not drive at all. And he is shy speaking English in social situations. He does take English classes, but they are all in the morning.
Last Saturday was really hard for him…so I will have to talk to him about it before this Saturday. I just wanted to see if you guys had dealt with this same issue.
He is alone other nights too, but there’s work and other things to distract him…Saturdays are just so long and event-less for him I think that makes it harder. My husband and I are his friends.

dingedheart 01-16-2013 08:51 PM

When in this new romance did you decide on co primary status ? I assume when you announced this status change with both men that's when the Saturday night date night with hubby was inked in and the issues of time share were hammered out and agreed to.

With being a primary or Co-primary comes the burden and responsibility of handling time splits.

have you or anyone thought to suggest dating on those nights ? Saturday night use to be a natural date night :) People here will testify that there's nothing like a hot date to distract you from what someone else is doing.

lilyankh 01-16-2013 10:31 PM

No one is interested in dating right now.

dingedheart 01-16-2013 11:23 PM

I was talking about your bf dating.....just him.

Anneintherain 01-16-2013 11:59 PM

So I gather he may be monogamous and not poly?

I started a relationship with a long term friend, he was going to move from Canada to WA to move in with my then husband and I (and be a roomie/bf), and it would've had the potential to have a co-primary situation, but it was only under the agreement that he would be dating too. I had no desire to be his only partner and be "responsible" for meeting all his sexual and other needs.

He said he would and said he would, but he didn't, and it got pretty clear he wasn't going to. He was monogamous, and admitted later that he was attempting to be poly just so he could be involved with me. (edit - thats fine if everybody is above board about what they want, but it's a disaster when somebody isn't being honest.)

It's a lot of responsibility to take that on for a long term relationship, responsibility that I had no desire to carry. Have you discussed what that means if he is only going to date you forever? I am very glad I got that clear with my friend before it go to the moving to another country part where he sat at home depressed while I was off with another partner.

Is he reading books about poly and how to deal with this stuff? Maybe he should post himself for more useful advice for help to figure out just what might work for him, lots of non native English speakers post here.

lilyankh 01-21-2013 06:37 PM

my boyfriend is not interested in dating anyone else. He doesn't read in English very well. I wish I could find a poly book in Spanish. Part of the issue is that he is new to the poly life style.

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