And then there were three...(this is a stream of consciousness)

Indigomontoya

New member
So I've finally got around to this blog. Can't help but be reminiscent of Doogie Howser M.D. with the journal entries...

I guess I am poly now. Which is odd, I don't feel poly, still have all the same relationship wants and needs as mono...or maybe I am mono with a poly partner...I don't know. If I want TP, then I guess I have to want poly...or I guess I have to be mono and tolerate poly.

Sometimes I don't know if I am cut out for it. I've struggled (and overcome) a lot of my own insecurities.. Used to be jealous...still kind of am at times, still clench my jaw when I think TP is spending too much time on her damn phone to Mr. A; but I sat and joked with the guy over fish and chips and bonded over geeky video games, south park quotes, and Doctor Who. So it can't be all bad right? and I am loath to not like the guy, TP loves him and she loves me, so her judgement isn't flawed (I'd like to think) and he has been nothing but accommodating.

As for my poly experience, I've got no problem attracting the ladies (everything sounds creepier if you say ladies after it)...why wasn't it this easy in high school? damnit. problem is keeping them...or keeping them and having them accept me as a poly option...I swear I am going to have more female friends than I know what to do with...because that's what's happening...women don't want to share, Learn to share well with others! it's kindergarten rules people! having a female friend you are attracted to is like having $19.95 in the bank and looking at your ATM card...I get angry about it a lot, not down on myself, just frustrated about it...I want poly, or maybe I want a Unicorn (a unicorn is just a horse with a plunger on it's head) or valley of the dolls...gotta get me a valley of the red bikini dolls...yeah...and the clock strikes 4:30..home time.
 
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I used the words "ethical non-monogamy"
I think you just became my hero for creating that term.

That is such a great thread Mono. I really like the idea of using relatable terms to explain what Poly means, I think in the past I had tried to explain it and got bogged down as you said "by definitions" rather than explaining it in such a way that can be understood.

I had posted in the 'Coming Out' thread about dropping the 'P-Bomb' (TP's words) on women I am interested in.

I have tried all the advice from that thread: posted in my POF profile, not posting and saying right away, waiting until they have seen who I am as a person and then send them an email along the lines of "I really enjoyed our didn't want to mislead you..." and used the term "committed, non-manogamous relationship"

So I have tried multiple approaches; and received hate mail for posting in my profile and the results are I now have more female friends when telling them after establishing a good basis for a relationship (relationship in the broad sense of the word, friend or partner).

Predominantly the response has been a reluctance to 'share' me with TP. I can understand their point of view, but I feel I am not conveying the idea of a poly relationship well enough to be convincing.

I know this may not be the case all of the time but two of the women are definitely interested and are having issues coming to terms with sharing someone they are dating, both have said this outright (yes TP I took your advice and asked) and the others have asked things like "You have someone? is that not enough?"

I am wondering if anyone has stories, or advice in the phrasing and explaining what poly means, or what being with someone who is poly means.

I will develop a blog when I have time, but for now I am hijacking TP's blog
 
So TP just left to spend time with her boyfriend. It was going above and beyond generous of me, since we had agreed on 2 nights a week out limit, and I gave her this third one; mainly because I was going out with an old friend from high school.

Well the old friend cancelled because she was too hung over still from a surprise kegger in honour of another friend from high school completing her masters. So I am left in a very quiet house with all the animals and my own meandering thoughts.

Tonight was a gray area in terms of it I had a date or not. Mainly because the friend found me on POF, and I had noticed her profile but not looked at it because what information was there wasn't comparable to her Facebook profile since she's on my fb too. Is my radar really that bad?

Anyway, TP and I were talking about it, and about another girl who gave me the 'I can't share' line but still seems interested. I had told her we had made plans to take our dogs to the dog park this week, to which TP replied "You move so fucking slow!" this outright pissed me off, because it's my pace and my life. I'm not a 'closer' even when I had never heard of Poly I was not a 'closer' I have fallen ass backwards into most of the relationships I've been in.

that brings me to the idea that maybe I think I am not cut out for Poly because I just don't feel like I can get someone else. That's kind of contradicted by the fact I currently speak with, having attracted them and most have gone to the not sharing phase (first initials) K, L, C, L, S, and A. So it's back to the presentation question...how do I do it and not drive women away?

on a tangent to end this, I am completely good with TP going out, didn't phase me in the least....so yay for progress.
 
Hi
I think we're a bit similar to you guys. My partner Z is poly and I have been mono but have decided that in a long term relationship with a poly, it is going to be much more fun and easier to give poly a go myself.

He was getting very discouraged like you. Has a long distant OSO but wants a local one. Like you heaps of women, none of who want to share. All looking for one on one life partners.

Anyway, suddenly last week a poly popped up on his radar. And even better, a bi-sexual one, so yay for me too. We've text and chatted on line and all seems really good. Meeting up for lunch in a few hours.

So there you go, patience is a virtue, good things come to those who wait, hang in there.:)
 
So there you go, patience is a virtue, good things come to those who wait, hang in there.:)

I'm going to echo this statement. It certainly can take a long while to find the right women. There's some that don't want to share, but don't mind stealing...and there's some that never want to be cheated on, but don't mind sharing as a mistress so long as the wife/SO is in the dark. And somehow poly and honest communication gets somehow painted as wierd or immoral. I don't get it either.

Eventually there will be those who are ok with it. And personally I found being very frank about the situation from the start saves a lot of time in finding out who's even up for the possibilities...and then I'll spend the time to see if we click.

But that's just me.
 
yep, poor Z has had to find all this out too (imaginary illusion). One woman said to him that his talking about intimacy and love was "just creepy...best to have sex first and see what happens"

He did a big online profile about polyamory, what he wanted and us. It's taken him three weeks and this is a very sparsely populated area by world standards. His advice is that your best bet is bi-sexual women, they seem more open and often want to love a man and a woman at the same time.

Good Luck
 
to which TP replied "You move so fucking slow!" this outright pissed me off, because it's my pace and my life.

Ah, I am still sorry for that one. It's your slower pace that allows you to put up with a fiancée who most closely resembles a squirrel, strung out on meth. You ground me, my love. :)

Can I rephrase it to "They move so fucking slow??" Don't they know what they're missing out on?? :confused:

on a tangent to end this, I am completely good with TP going out, didn't phase me in the least....so yay for progress.

*hug* Thank you. The extra time was greatly appreciated by both of us, and it's only better knowing you're not sitting at home feeling crappy.
 
So an odd little quirk ninjaed my brain this morning that I wasn't expecting...well not a quirk, and not a full on insecurity really...I don't know how to describe it. But TP has said many times over the past week/weekend that she's happier than she has been in long time. Now I will take full credit for my part in this, she has her's as well, but (keeping with the title), the third is Mr. A.

I guess I can handle the physical intimacy, just shower and I will 'remark my territory'. The emotional intimacy I am dealing with; she loves Mr. A, love is not a finite resource, and she has become quite good at not making me feel secondary, or unfairly treated. But the fact that she is getting happiness from someone other than me made my reptile brain do a turn. I guess I am just adjusting, but it goes back to feeling inadequate and therefore she needs a boyfriend to fill the void I leave wanting...I know this isn't the case, but hey my reptile brain doesn't know anything but Id and flight or fight...so my reptile brain is telling me something is wrong because I am not doing, saying, or being something that she needs...and that stabs into my own confidence and insecurity issues. It will resolve itself like the other two have, but just an odd little bit of insecurity as the reptile brain adjusts.

On a side note, I think I am getting a little callous with who I talk to online...Apparently a very attractive blond woman knows my name, and I have no two sweet clues who she is, where I know her from, or any idea where to begin looking to figure it out...I guess my throw shit against the wall method of contact early on has come back to bite me in the ass.

IM
 
TP has said many times over the past week/weekend that she's happier than she has been in long time. Now I will take full credit for my part in this, she has her's as well, but (keeping with the title), the third is Mr. A.

Let's not forget the biggest, and probably main contributors to this feeling ... Diving for the past week (with you) and pushing through my social anxiety and going out (TWICE!!) with (NEW!!) people.

I was just talking with Ken last week about how he and I have such a hard time making new friends because we feel like we have to constantly filter ourselves. Clearly these new people in our lives can handle the whole Trucker Pete experience.

We bonded. I feel accepted. That second one is a strange feeling to be sure.
 
the results are I now have more female friends when telling them after establishing a good basis for a relationship (relationship in the broad sense of the word, friend or partner).

Predominantly the response has been a reluctance to 'share' me with TP. I can understand their point of view, but I feel I am not conveying the idea of a poly relationship well enough to be convincing.

I imagine that you're right about that, but that you shouldn't concentrate on it as the thing to fix.

In general, people wind up in poly- relationships because they are either a) themselves committed to having poly- relationships, or b) because someone they really want to be with is. It's just going to be really challenging to talk someone into committing to a poly- relationship by selling polyamory. I think it's going to be a lot easier to be someone who seems like a really great person to date, and then make poly- look the way to get to do that.

I know this may not be the case all of the time but two of the women are definitely interested and are having issues coming to terms with sharing someone they are dating, both have said this outright (yes TP I took your advice and asked) and the others have asked things like "You have someone? is that not enough?"

I am wondering if anyone has stories, or advice in the phrasing and explaining what poly means, or what being with someone who is poly means.

Many people aren't going to find even the most brilliant and engaging description of polyamory in theory very compelling. Instead of working on how you can phrase things better, I think that modelling it well will be substantially more effective.

If you're mostly meeting people online, that may be impractical. But if you are developing friendships where there is some mutual interest, but they're not enthusiastic about being in a poly- relationship, invite them to spend time with you and TP, or you and TP and Mr. A (if that's possible and the dynamic is a good, um, advertisement for being poly-). I don't mean to trick them into dates; you should respect that they are only interested in friendship. But nourishing those friendships may lead them to being more open to polyamory personally in the future, or suggesting it to their other friends, if they see it being lived in a sane, rewarding way.
 
Thank you, jkelly. I've been thinking some of those things, but they hadn't yet coheased.

invite them to spend time with you and TP, or you and TP and Mr. A (if that's possible and the dynamic is a good, um, advertisement for being poly-).

Very subtly put. :D

We're still working on getting comfy together. We're not doing all that bad. More a case of me watching my casual touches so as not to cause a jealousy flare.

When we had dinner together the other week, I was actually relaxed ... But I'm not sure an "outsider" would appreciate the work it's taken to get this far and might pick up on the awkwardness we still have.

Then again, maybe it would be heartening for a mono girl to meet Mr. A and get his perspective on falling into a relationship with me!

Things to consider ...
 
Well it's funny how the brain works...and by funny I mean totally irrational and annoying...So Thursday night I start to feel like (for various reasons all of which were discussed at a later time) that I was secondary to Mr. A. It was absolutely ridiculous because even though I felt my time was being encroached upon, it really wasn't, just my perception was. I guess it felt like TP could move my time with her around and cut it back but not Mr. A's. Of course my Reptile Brain didn't rationally understand that she could do that because she spent so much time with me.

It was the stupidest thing that set it off too, she wasn't feeling well and..."It" Being my thought process...went upstairs to lie down, I went to check on her....She was wearing Mr. A's sweater bored from a particularly cold night out...my stupid reptile brain went into overdrive about her using his sweater, when in reality it was the closest at hand...so anyway Friday I told her how I was feeling and it blew up into a fight...which was resolved.

But I guess the point...if there is a point to any of my posts...is that how stupid it seems to me that her wearing a sweater from Mr.A can upset me, but I can have brunch on Saturday morning with him and TP, and then watch them say goodbye to each other (kiss and I love you's) and not be phased. What the hell is my brain on?
 
So I've not quite had the energy or drive to post recently. I am out of gas when it comes dealing with things... TP and I are having our own issues, as you can read in her blog. She's right that I can take poly or leave it, but I can't leave her. I can suffer through the jealousy, anxiety, and issues as long as I feel like I still have her...but I feel like I am slipping back these past weeks. Am I just lying to myself? am I a mono who is trying to fit into a poly shell?

I mean I get the concept of NRE in all it's phases, and I get that she and I have been together for a while and we lose that new joke laughter; but I feel like my efforts to push through my own issues, and put TPs happiness first are not getting the returns I had hoped for. I love that she is happy, and happy when she's with me sometimes, but she's always happy with Mr. A. Where does the scale balance that we (Mr. A and I) get equal shares of the positive/negative? how do I stop feeling like she is more happy with him than with me?

THere's issues surrounding sex too. I don't know what to do about those, neither does TP. TP can go and have great sex with Mr. A, relax and orgasm; but with me, she's so hung up on having to orgasm that it even puts her off sex with me all together. I've told her many many times that she doesn't need to feel guilty about it, and that she doesn't have to see sex as a pressure situation, but it doesn't help...and the wheel goes round and we're back to where we were again. She has said she feels it's a round peg, square hole issue, she's said a lot of things, a good many dig to my core.

The whole thing has made me doubt so much about myself, and that just feeds my own insecurities which in turn feeds TPs turn offs about lack of confidence I have in myself, my physical appearance, my job, everything...so it turns into a cyclical mess that sees no resolution, just a circle of pain. SO how do I stop the cycle? I want off this ride, I want back to being in a relationship with TP that is good and doesn't give me teeth grinding tension headaches. Oh we have our moments a lot of them, but there's this elephant in the room and he just keeps stamping his foot...go to hell elephant.
 
The whole thing has made me doubt so much about myself, and that just feeds my own insecurities which in turn feeds TPs turn offs about lack of confidence I have in myself, my physical appearance, my job, everything...so it turns into a cyclical mess that sees no resolution, just a circle of pain. SO how do I stop the cycle? I want off this ride, I want back to being in a relationship with TP that is good and doesn't give me teeth grinding tension headaches. Oh we have our moments a lot of them, but there's this elephant in the room and he just keeps stamping his foot...go to hell elephant.

Just to clarify, my turn off is a lack of confidence, NOT Indigo's "physical appearance, job, everything" ...

It's more of a big white elephant that we've beat to death, going round and round in circles, not sure what to do about my ever-increasing anxiety surrounding sex, especially with Indigo. I've always had this anxiety, and my relationships go one of two ways: the anxiety gets better and our sex gets better, or the anxiety gets worse and therefore the sex gets worse.

This is now to a point now where I could go out with a stranger and have more physically satisfying sex with them because there is no past. It's unfortunate for Indigo and I that my relationship with Mr. A has gone in the opposite sexual direction due to the fact that he has even worse anxiety than me surrounding his orgasm. Mr. A and I have both worked really hard to start overcoming our individual issues together, but I can't seem to transfer any of that work into the bedroom with Indigo and I.

Indigo is very easy to please. Any position, any place, anything works for him. And this was fun before my issues started taking over. Really, I can barely think of a handful of times where he's had to say, "Nah, this isn't working for me right now, so let's stop." Now, his ease and enjoyment of sex simply causes me shame and embarrassment at my own inability to achieve with him. To be honest, there's a touch of resentment there, too.

And of course, none of these emotions (which I do own), are of any help whatsoever when it comes to cumming.


This problem is breaking my heart. We want to fix it, but are truly stuck.
 
Really sad you guys. I feel for you both and I also thank you TP for posting otherwise I would have had to traipse over to your blog and read that. Time is always an issue for me.

Indigo I hope you get some help here but you could try hopping across to the yahoo poly/mono group. It is very different from this forum but there are some mono guys there that probably have something to offer you.
 
Hi, I'm Zen, Sage's poly partner. I don't normally participate on these forums, but I feel for you guys (TP, IM, Mr A), so here are my thoughts.

Your posts talk a lot about the sex issue, but not of the intimacy and cuddles and love making.

My deep connection with my significant other has been a celibate one, for over 5 years. No sex, lots of intimacy, nudeness, skin on skin, tickles, cuddles, laughter and body warmth.

Set aside 4-5 hours and have a romantic sensual encounter, massage each other, pamper each other, and forget about the sex for a while.

You may find, as I have, that there is "potato chip sex (TM)" and "3 course lovemaking". I used to eat a lot of potato chips, and it satisfies an immediate need, but you cant beat a 3 course meal for being totally satisfied, giving you flashbacks with that warm sustaining feeling for days afterwards. Like all good things, it takes a lot more preparation for the 3 course meal.

Enjoy! Zen
 
Thank you both ... We're working slowly, not letting this affect snuggle times and making sure we both know we love the other. Sex seems to be off the table for the next while, until I can get my anxiety under control. This is actually a huge relief, because we can still be physically intimate, without me worrying that I'm "expected" to carry through. (He's never, EVER put this demand on me before; it's just my anxiety.)

No news from us is good news. Unless it's good news, which would also be good news. We're reading and thinking on anything that is posted here, even if we don't comment.

Thank you.
 
Well it's news, and I guess good news...we've gone ahead and called off the destination wedding....not the marriage but two of the big stressors were planning the wedding and paying for the wedding. Not by any means were we were going to be extravagant but it would have drained our savings.

So I was offended and hurt at first when TP told me she wanted to put it off for a year, but after discussion (her father said we make a good team which is nice to hear) I am okay with it, since it's not the marriage but the WEDDING that is the stress; we have a house, car, 2 dogs, 4 cats, and parrot and various and sundry possessions together (Not the 40" TV! You gave that to me as a gift honey, it's mine!) she's not going anywhere...took some thinking on my part to realize that.

So with that stressor out of the way we are going to do a quick civil ceremony whenever TP gets her birth certificate and driver's licence back with her new passport. Oh we're still going to Cuba in Feb. but basically calling it a celebration of our marriage....TP won't change the resort to the one where all the University kids are on break at, so I am out of trying to get some University lovin'.

All in all I am okay with the change, means we can have a better standard of living now than be miserable saving for one day...and we're still getting married, just means that we are not burdening our loved ones with the expense either....good development, good communication...it means that with that stressor gone TP and I can focus on other issues without the money stress and wedding stress!
 
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I applaude you. I firmly believe that too much money is spent on weddings, including my own. When everything was said and done, I immediately knew that a small family BBQ would have been more fun, not to mention a lot less money, but you can't tell a 22yr old girl anything, my dad tried.
 
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