The birth of poly relationships

Aaronp

New member
I've already found so many answers in a similar thread http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=448&highlight=single Thanks to Ceoli for giving a voice to the unheard singles in the community. I wanted to start my own thread just to focus on one particular aspect of the linked thread. (It covers a lot.)

I see two main schools of thought on how a polyamorous relationship is started. Either you

1. Are a couple and become open.
2. You find a couple that has become open.

My question is: how does a poly single go directly into an open relationship without joining a couple first, or being part of a monogamous couple first?

The recurring answer seems to be "you need to love someone first" and "multiple loves is not the same as multiple lovers." But I want to know if anyone here has experienced or witnessed cases where two singles have started a relationship as an open one. I want to know if it is possible to skip the monogamous step without being called a swinger.

Maybe I am just young and naive, but it seems counter-intuitive to hide what I am at first to form a relationship and go through all the mushy couple stuff, only to risk it later on by saying, "Oh by the way, I'm poly!" For me, that part comes right after I introduce myself.
 
My husband and I started out as a poly couple. Although it wasn't called that back then, just non-monogamous.

I was with a woman and my husband came into our relationship. Does that count? I've been with him 11 years now, 8 married. As far as the people we have seen and see, we date one person together, although I quite often spend alone time with him, and all the others are either mine or his to date. Poly isn't always a "triad" situation. I am in a "V" with my husband and my other primary.

Have a read on this forum a bit and you will see the wide variety of alternatives and opportunities to be poly.
 
Okay, good! Actually, all of my poly relationships, so far, have been Vs, as well. So the woman you were with before your husband came in, did you both start your relationship with the intention of it being non-monogamous, or did that come after you got to know her?
 
Maybe I am just young and naive, but it seems counter-intuitive to hide what I am at first to form a relationship, and go through all the mushy couple stuff, only to risk it later on by saying, "Oh, by the way, I'm poly!" For me, that part comes right after I introduce myself.

You're not naive. You are being respectful of potential partners. Any other way is almost deceitful, in my humble opinion. The general population is monogamously inclined, so it's best to find someone who understands your way of loving before they or you fall deeper into the relationship.

I would seriously lose my mind if that was sprung on me!
 
Aaron, you speak (type) as though life comes with an owner's manual and you misplaced yours.

At least you're trying to download a copy from the internet.
 
My husband and I started off non-monogamous. He had a girlfriend (long distance and also non-monogamous) and I was his "secondary". I was also in a long distance non-monogamous relationship. And I was dating casually. It was the first time in my life I'd had open relationships as I was a serial monogamist. We didn't call it polyamory because, well, the being in love came later. We fell in love before closing off the relationship.

Monogamy happened because his gf was abusive. He'd never been monogamous. He'd never loved anyone like he did me. He wanted to marry me. I think we went mono because it was what we sort of expected to do when deciding we wanted to be married and have a family.

Years later, I fell for a female friend of his, and we went back to poly after MUCH discussion, pushing of limits, and breaking from traditional expectations. We formed a V with me at the center, and were (I feel) beginning to work towards a triad.

That relationship didn't work out, and we are again a monogamous couple, open to poly, but not looking. Neither he nor I want me with another man. I don't want him to be sexual with another woman (at least right now, though if we founnd a mythical unicorn, as we almost had, that could change).

So I'm poly, while he's content being sexually mono and emotionally poly. Basically, we've gone through quite a few phases. A relationship almost never starts as polyamorous, just as a couple almost never start IN LOVE. It starts open. The "amory" comes in time. The "poly" can be there from the beginning. Don't get too caught up in labels. But don't start off by denying what you are, either.
 
A relationship almost never starts as polyamoros, just as a couple almost never start IN LOVE. It starts open. The "amory" comes in time. The "poly" can be there from the beginning. Don't get too caught up in labels. But don't start off denying what you are either.

Well put. I think I am starting to see why so many people have a hard time with what I am saying. Maybe I should rephrase my question. How common is it for two single people to start a relationship as an open one?

Although I'm not single, I remember this being a problem I struggled with when I was. Join an existing relationship, or start a closed one and open it later. I've tried both, but never started off as two singles in an open relationship. Does anyone do that? Would that make me a swinger if I did?
 
I just started a new relationship, and going into it, we both agreed it would be open. So, I guess it does happen. Ask me in a few months, and I'll tell you how it's going. ;)
 
As I said, my husband and I started off open. Maybe we weren't technically single,nas we were each dating others. But we didn't consider either of us were "joining" an existing relationship, since I didn't know his other gf and he didn't know my other bf. The distance factor made that simply impossible. And neither of us saw our others very often.

In the year we were open, each of us saw our others maybe two or three times, for no more than a week at a time. So we may as well have been two singles forming an open couple. Monogamy became a choice later, just as poly became a choice again after that. But we started open, and fell in love in that way, and we could have remained that way, had we chosen to. Of course, we didn't know that at the time. It would have saved a whole lot of drama.

If you want a relationship that is to remain open permanently, just be honest about that fact from the beginning. You may only start with one other person. Yes, it might be a mono relationship for a while, if neither of you meet anyone else you're interested in. But if the openness is established at the start, when someone else does come along, you should both be free to explore, so long as you're honest when the time comes.

IMO, if you start a relationship based on a mutual caring for one another, or for another, or another, ;) it isn't swinging. Swinging is looking for specifically sexual relationships right from the beginning, with little or no emotional connection and no desire to form one.
 
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Aaron, you speak (type) as though life comes with an owner's manual and you misplaced yours.

At least you're trying to download a copy from the internet.

I don't see that in Aaron's questions.
 
Thanks for your input so far, everyone. Apparently it does happen more often than I thought. I'm glad to see that.

As I said, my husband and I started off open. Maybe we weren't technically single as we were each dating others. But we didn't consider either of us were "joining" an existing relationship since I didn't know his other gf and he didn't know my other bf.

I had a similar situation, but I can see your point about how it's really no different from starting as two singles.

Strangely, I always look at it like I'm becoming a secondary, because her other love has seniority, and yet I never really pick a favorite/primary for myself. Maybe I should relax more, going into these things.
 
Maybe I should relax more...

Pretty much. Just do what most successful couples do. Go with the flow, be honest, and take it at a comfortable pace for everyone. Adding more people complicates things, but the dynamics of all healthy relationships center around communication, trust, honesty, and caring about the other(s) involved.
 
Thanks Mark. Every so often I manage to make sense. I think... ;)
 
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