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-   -   Transitioning back to an Honest Life... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16410)

LittleSara 10-31-2011 02:01 PM

Transitioning back to an Honest Life...
So the situation is... I'm new. :o I have cheated in my past... because I was unsatisfied, felt like monogamy was not for me... etc. But I always felt terrible during and afterwards. :( Because I didn't want to hurt anybody, hiding my true feelings was always painful.

And then I found out about polyamory - where it's OK to love more than one person at once. As long as you are all honest and open. What a relief!! :D May sound strange that I needed "permission" to be honest but it's much easier to admit to something (wanting to be poly) when you don't feel alone.

I've been looking for this for a long time.

So... let me give a shot at the jargon... I am in a "Vee." ;) I have a primary and a secondary relationship with 2 men. They know about each other but they have never met. They both see other women- sometimes I meet them sometimes I don't.

My secondary is a very open guy. He doesn't really know about "poly" but he is, because he is honest and takes good care of all of his relationships. He would only introduce me as a friend though, not a girlfriend, which I am fine with because I don't really understand that word anyways.

My primary, I've been seeing him almost a year now. (I haven't had sex with either of them, close but not yet... if that matters at all...) I feel a very close bond with him, love him even, and he feels the same way about me. I met him before I learned about poly and was still hiding my other relationships, if I went on a date with another person, etc. He has multiple relationships too and was keeping things hidden. But we were honest with each other and I think that's part of what made us bond so quickly.

I eventually became open, not just with him, but if I went out with another person for a couple of weeks, I would let them know about my preference... and I am still trying to become more secure but, I'm "coming out" slowly...

The issue: My primary doesn't want to come out at all. :(

Of course it's his choice and I still love him... but I also know a couple of the girls he sees... and it's difficult not to be honest with them. But they are his relationships not mine, even though I feel connected to them, I can't "out" him. I feel very strongly about that.

But at the same time I don't want to "cheat" anymore. So... :confused:

It's a pretty painful situation, how much time should I give him? I love him very much and don't feel like I have the right to judge him when I was so recently that way...

I'm still growing as a person, I have made and continue to make mistakes...

I appreciate your honesty. :o

LittleSara 10-31-2011 02:12 PM

Just a note...

In case somebody asks:
"What makes you think he isn't lying to you if he is lying to the other women?"

We started as friends, and talked about everything, and we both "came out" to each other, I guess... we were honest with each other first.

Also, I know how scary it is to talk about it, and that fear of judgement still lingers in me. I know he doesn't want to lose friends or the people he is seeing now. He appreciates that I understand that, I don't want to push him but I hope maybe... he would follow my example... sort of like I follow my secondary's example...

Tracy 10-31-2011 07:53 PM

It's not meddling with his life if you have your own boundaries. If I say I won't date someone if he moves to Japan, for instance, it wouldn't be me trying to tell him where to live - just communicating what type of relationship I am willing to be in. (That is, not super long distance.) Similarly, if you chose to decline a date because someone is married and his wife doesn't know, that isn't trying to tell him how to run his life either. It's just drawing your own lines.

Why, then, should you have any less right to draw that line when the relationship is already in progress? I bet he didn't ask when you two started going out, "hey, is it cool if I date other people and don't tell them about you?" And get a positive response. And just like nobody reasonable would think it was bossy or manipulative if your boyfirend moved to japan and you refused to go with him or carry on a long distance relationship, nobody reasonable would think it was too much to say "I am not comfortable with these other women you are dating who don't know about us. I am not going to be your dirty little secret. Come clean to them, or break up with me." Of course, you may lose the guy.

LittleSara 10-31-2011 08:09 PM

Thank you, Tracy. :)

I see what you are saying about making my own choices, and those choices not impacting his lifestyle... I'm my own person, I agree!

When we started dating, I didn't really know much about poly, but I knew about his other relationships, and he knew about mine, and we talked about everything and didn't judge each other. I started seeing him knowing his other partners didn't know about me or each other.

But I didn't feel happy in secrecy. And I read more and more and finally felt comfortable enough in my own skin to at least be honest with all my partners now... But I can't be honest with his partners... I'm still hoping that he will come around... if I just give him more time. Does that sound like I'm enabling him?

Seems like the common theme is to move on? But.. If I do have to "end" it, where does it end? Can I still spend time with him and be friends with him? That comprises most of our relationship anyways. We have hooked up but not had sex so... I guess I can take away the physical aspect. But I don't want to cut him out completely just because he isn't ready to "come out."

Even if he never wants to... I couldn't stay with him as a partner but I don't want to lose a friend. :(

Guess it happens though, right?

nycindie 10-31-2011 08:42 PM


Originally Posted by LittleSara (Post 108634)
We have hooked up but not had sex so... I guess I can take away the physical aspect.

What does this mean? I thought that "hooking up" is slang for having sex.

Tracy 10-31-2011 08:52 PM

I don't know any reason why you couldn't be his friend, unless he decides he doesn't want to be your rfriend if you won't participate in the relationship the way he wants you to.

LittleSara 10-31-2011 08:54 PM

Let's get graphic now...
Ok so for a look under LittleSara's covers... :cool: We've done kissing, touching, cuddling... farthest we ever went was oral (I guess :rolleyes: it's sex but to me it's just hooking up. Sex is another ballpark for me.) Usually we just kiss & cuddle. But it Has gone farther, as I already said... :o

nycindie 10-31-2011 09:09 PM


Originally Posted by LittleSara (Post 108644)
. . . farthest we ever went was oral (I guess :rolleyes: it's sex but to me it's just hooking up. Sex is another ballpark for me.

Oka-a-a-ay... you know, shortening the full phrase "oral sex" to just "oral" doesn't make it "not sex." :p

AnnabelMore 11-01-2011 03:16 AM

Having to keep an important part of your life secret, especially a loving relationship, is not just inconvenient, it's bad for the relationship and possibly even bad for your health (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-relationships)!

I don't think honesty is too much to ask. It's not fair to you or him and especially not to the other women... for example, they likely think that they're living a very low-risk lifestyle for stds because they're only with one person who's only with them... when really that's not the case. They deserve full disclosure so they can make informed choices for themselves. I'm not trying to use scare tactics with the std thing and I'm sure everyone's playing safe, but to me it's a very important point... everyone should get the chance to decide what level of risk they're willing to take on. And that's not even touching the emotional explosion that you could get sucked into if/when the truth comes out... do you really want to have that sort of drama lurking in the background of your life, waiting to pounce?

Maybe putting your foot down will give him the impetus to do what's best for everyone involved. And if he's really not ready now, maybe you two could get back together when he is. The friendship thing is entirely up to you, but you deserve better in a primary partner.

AnnabelMore 11-01-2011 03:32 AM

Also, on this: "I love him very much and don't feel like I have the right to judge him when I was so recently that way..."

Judging -- "GAHD, why are you so stupid and cowardly, ugh, leave me the hell alone!!!"

Not judging -- "This isn't right for me and I'm not going to be involved. Also, as a friend and someone who loves you, I think you might be happier if you reconsidered your position on this... I hope you give it some thought, feel free to call me if you want to talk about it."

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