PolyCurious4
New member
I've been posting recently about a relationship Hubby and I have with another couple. There have been concerns because of imbalance between my relationship with her Hubby and she with mine, our general navigating because we are poly-newbs & feel like we're floundering a bit because we're having feelings we haven't dealt with in the past outside of one another.
Because there are a few issues/concerns I'm going to separate. Any feedback or input is hugely appreciated!
#1 - Hubby came home feeling very good about his most recent date because a lot of things had been discussed and she had opened up a lot. He has experienced a kind of two steps forward three steps back tango with her from the beginning. Hubby had recently told her he had feelings for her - not in love but definitely in like. So he was really happy to see her open up. They both shared that they were not great at being vulnerable and reasons behind it. She gave more insight on what happened in their last poly relationship. Long story short she fell in love and the couple decided to take a different direction that didn't include them and ended their relationship abruptly. She was very hurt. This ended only a couple months before they met us. She said she is emotionally closed off. She said she doesn't have a problem with the sexual part but it's the emotional part and she's unavailable emotionally. Hubby could understand and felt badly for her and told her he understood. So he felt like they had overcome an obstacle and built some trust because opening up is difficult for her. His feeling was that it was not something she was closed off from developing in the future. There was a lot of good talk too. She said she enjoyed spending time with him and liked the frequency we see each other etc... He expected that she would pull back the next day and not say much but he was surprised to find things didn't seem to miss a step. Now the day following and since is another story... More on that in a moment.
#2 - I had posted my concern because communication with me in between our dates has changed abruptly. He went from talking frequently to very little beyond my good morning hello. On the contrary at the time she was talking to my Hubby very frequently in comparison to the norm, texting often, playing games online, flirtation through out the day etc. It was a flip flop.
Well, the reason for the change came to light. He confided on our date that he had made an error that crossed a boundary (not with me) and they had been working through it. It made complete sense after learning what had happened. He has since gone back to communicating frequently as we had before.
Herein lies the rub. They made up and resolved the issue. As soon as they worked through things her contact with Hubby flipped again. Hubby was not pleased that when she was upset with her spouse she was very talkative. As soon as they made up she stopped playing games online and went back to the short little snippets messages.
#3 - Back to the revelation she made recently about being emotionally unavailable. While Hubby felt empathy for her and because he cares for her wants to be patient and understand. In the same token his feelings are hurt, he feels a bit foolish and a bit duped. We have been involved in relationships that were sexual in nature without emotions. There are things one can do to help from developing feelings but it's difficult now because you can't put the stink back in the bag.
She said they were a true poly relationship but I'm not sure if that applies to her Hubby and if he is in the same place as she is. I haven't had an opportunity to discuss in person with him yet. My impression from him has not been that he's unavailable for an emotional relationship nor that it's purely sexual for him. He talks to me often, tells me he's fond of me and thinks of me often, that he thinks I'm wonderful etc... We have talked about poly and what his ideal is. Early on he told me he liked me, enjoyed spending time with me and would tell me if things evolved into more. His brief explanation of the relationship with the previous couple leads me to think he may not be in the same place. He shared with me that he had wondered early on if they were the right fit because he was not happy with the communication with her. He has shared that he doesn't have an interest in pursuing other relationships because he's happy with where things are going with us. Anyway, all that to say, I don't know where he stands and based upon our conversations I've never had the impression he was only interested in the sexual aspect (though maybe I'm seeing what I want to because when communication broke down during their fight I was worried it was cutting out the vital part that made it beyond sex).
However, regardless from the beginning, from the first emails, we were told they were looking for a poly style relationship. Our first meeting they talked about their affinity for poly relationship. It seems it would have been appropriate to have let us know that sex was the only thing she was interested in. We're not interested in just sex and we were told they weren't either.
Does that mean she didn't realize until she started to get more involved and Hubby reminded her of her previous partner (she told Hubby he said & did all the right things just like her previous guy)? Or are they in difference spots emotionally and their ideal is poly? Is it that he is at a point he's ready to move on but she's not so they are giving it a go until her heart heals?
#4 - So now... after that last date night I mentioned the day after he expected she would pull back. She didn't and Hubby was pleasantly surprised. The next day not so much. This last weekend she was very abrupt in her texts so Hubby decided to give her some space and they didn't talk this weekend. Since then he's tried to keep it light and she's pulled back. He on the other hand texts me as usual and things haven't skipped a beat. So for Hubby he's at a cross roads. His feelings are involved now. He wants to be understanding and is ok with enjoying his time with her, allowing time for her to heal and seeing if anything develops. But to stop communication again feels like too much. He doesn't like feeling like he's ok to get together for sex but unless she's fighting with her Hubby he's not good enough to talk to. Even the swinger relationships we had we were always friends with. We didn't bounce from partner to partner and not have friendships. We talked to our partners often and shared our lives. So he's struggling with being patient when he feels insulted at the same time. And to add to his dilemma he doesn't want to say he's not willing to get together because it would end things with her Hubby and me (I've asked about seeing people separate and they don't).
#5 - Another kink in the works. We have not agreed to any exclusivity but have let it known that both sides are not seeing anyone else.
I have a female friend that is also poly. My understanding was that she was only interested in a friendship. She has expressed an interest in something more - with me. Because it's how I've always done things I need to see how this relationship with he couple plays out. But at the same time I have a woman interested in exactly what I've always wanted - a real relationship with another woman. I wish I didn't feel like my interests were so tied up with this other guy. I know it's poly so I could technically have a girlfriend, boyfriend and hubby. That feels like too much for me. I also don't want anyone to get hurt.
It feels more and more that this quad experiment we're all trying isn't feasible. If any of us doesn't work out the other is done. They aren't interested in being separate. Honestly, if I knew it wouldn't hurt Hubby I would like to know I could have a relationship with the male of the couple completely separate. It's very difficult to let you guard down and share your feelings when you know if things don't go well on the other side you're going to end up with a broken heart. It feels like a lot of pressure.
But I want to 'want' this other situation too - it seems more like a relationship that will have less risk and exactly what I've wanted. But, I also don't want to burn any bridges either way. I am rambling now, just don't want to make any mistakes and hurt anyone or left heart broken either.
Thank you in advance if you've managed to make it through this rambling.
Because there are a few issues/concerns I'm going to separate. Any feedback or input is hugely appreciated!
#1 - Hubby came home feeling very good about his most recent date because a lot of things had been discussed and she had opened up a lot. He has experienced a kind of two steps forward three steps back tango with her from the beginning. Hubby had recently told her he had feelings for her - not in love but definitely in like. So he was really happy to see her open up. They both shared that they were not great at being vulnerable and reasons behind it. She gave more insight on what happened in their last poly relationship. Long story short she fell in love and the couple decided to take a different direction that didn't include them and ended their relationship abruptly. She was very hurt. This ended only a couple months before they met us. She said she is emotionally closed off. She said she doesn't have a problem with the sexual part but it's the emotional part and she's unavailable emotionally. Hubby could understand and felt badly for her and told her he understood. So he felt like they had overcome an obstacle and built some trust because opening up is difficult for her. His feeling was that it was not something she was closed off from developing in the future. There was a lot of good talk too. She said she enjoyed spending time with him and liked the frequency we see each other etc... He expected that she would pull back the next day and not say much but he was surprised to find things didn't seem to miss a step. Now the day following and since is another story... More on that in a moment.
#2 - I had posted my concern because communication with me in between our dates has changed abruptly. He went from talking frequently to very little beyond my good morning hello. On the contrary at the time she was talking to my Hubby very frequently in comparison to the norm, texting often, playing games online, flirtation through out the day etc. It was a flip flop.
Well, the reason for the change came to light. He confided on our date that he had made an error that crossed a boundary (not with me) and they had been working through it. It made complete sense after learning what had happened. He has since gone back to communicating frequently as we had before.
Herein lies the rub. They made up and resolved the issue. As soon as they worked through things her contact with Hubby flipped again. Hubby was not pleased that when she was upset with her spouse she was very talkative. As soon as they made up she stopped playing games online and went back to the short little snippets messages.
#3 - Back to the revelation she made recently about being emotionally unavailable. While Hubby felt empathy for her and because he cares for her wants to be patient and understand. In the same token his feelings are hurt, he feels a bit foolish and a bit duped. We have been involved in relationships that were sexual in nature without emotions. There are things one can do to help from developing feelings but it's difficult now because you can't put the stink back in the bag.
She said they were a true poly relationship but I'm not sure if that applies to her Hubby and if he is in the same place as she is. I haven't had an opportunity to discuss in person with him yet. My impression from him has not been that he's unavailable for an emotional relationship nor that it's purely sexual for him. He talks to me often, tells me he's fond of me and thinks of me often, that he thinks I'm wonderful etc... We have talked about poly and what his ideal is. Early on he told me he liked me, enjoyed spending time with me and would tell me if things evolved into more. His brief explanation of the relationship with the previous couple leads me to think he may not be in the same place. He shared with me that he had wondered early on if they were the right fit because he was not happy with the communication with her. He has shared that he doesn't have an interest in pursuing other relationships because he's happy with where things are going with us. Anyway, all that to say, I don't know where he stands and based upon our conversations I've never had the impression he was only interested in the sexual aspect (though maybe I'm seeing what I want to because when communication broke down during their fight I was worried it was cutting out the vital part that made it beyond sex).
However, regardless from the beginning, from the first emails, we were told they were looking for a poly style relationship. Our first meeting they talked about their affinity for poly relationship. It seems it would have been appropriate to have let us know that sex was the only thing she was interested in. We're not interested in just sex and we were told they weren't either.
Does that mean she didn't realize until she started to get more involved and Hubby reminded her of her previous partner (she told Hubby he said & did all the right things just like her previous guy)? Or are they in difference spots emotionally and their ideal is poly? Is it that he is at a point he's ready to move on but she's not so they are giving it a go until her heart heals?
#4 - So now... after that last date night I mentioned the day after he expected she would pull back. She didn't and Hubby was pleasantly surprised. The next day not so much. This last weekend she was very abrupt in her texts so Hubby decided to give her some space and they didn't talk this weekend. Since then he's tried to keep it light and she's pulled back. He on the other hand texts me as usual and things haven't skipped a beat. So for Hubby he's at a cross roads. His feelings are involved now. He wants to be understanding and is ok with enjoying his time with her, allowing time for her to heal and seeing if anything develops. But to stop communication again feels like too much. He doesn't like feeling like he's ok to get together for sex but unless she's fighting with her Hubby he's not good enough to talk to. Even the swinger relationships we had we were always friends with. We didn't bounce from partner to partner and not have friendships. We talked to our partners often and shared our lives. So he's struggling with being patient when he feels insulted at the same time. And to add to his dilemma he doesn't want to say he's not willing to get together because it would end things with her Hubby and me (I've asked about seeing people separate and they don't).
#5 - Another kink in the works. We have not agreed to any exclusivity but have let it known that both sides are not seeing anyone else.
I have a female friend that is also poly. My understanding was that she was only interested in a friendship. She has expressed an interest in something more - with me. Because it's how I've always done things I need to see how this relationship with he couple plays out. But at the same time I have a woman interested in exactly what I've always wanted - a real relationship with another woman. I wish I didn't feel like my interests were so tied up with this other guy. I know it's poly so I could technically have a girlfriend, boyfriend and hubby. That feels like too much for me. I also don't want anyone to get hurt.
It feels more and more that this quad experiment we're all trying isn't feasible. If any of us doesn't work out the other is done. They aren't interested in being separate. Honestly, if I knew it wouldn't hurt Hubby I would like to know I could have a relationship with the male of the couple completely separate. It's very difficult to let you guard down and share your feelings when you know if things don't go well on the other side you're going to end up with a broken heart. It feels like a lot of pressure.
But I want to 'want' this other situation too - it seems more like a relationship that will have less risk and exactly what I've wanted. But, I also don't want to burn any bridges either way. I am rambling now, just don't want to make any mistakes and hurt anyone or left heart broken either.
Thank you in advance if you've managed to make it through this rambling.