Discovery!

Mac341

New member
So my gal and I have been in the situation where I have a primary at home, but I was her only relationship. Knowing that sooner or later, she'd find that other person(s) I left space/time in how we interact from the get go.

So a month ago, we were pointed at someone and I encouraged my gal to go for it. Said person is very busy and so dates for them are 'catch as catch can'.

This week my gal scheduled a date with us both on the same day: My overnight date ending between 4 and 5 today, and her date with the other person starting a few hours later... Today.
I discovered something:
I apparently need a "one solo sleep rule".
The very idea of her seeing me and the other person on the same day makes my whole body go ooggie. Seriously, it's the most accurate term. I have a visceral gut roiling reaction of "Ick! Ewww! Gross!"

For me: Our date ends and even though I walk away, I'm still connected.
For her: Our date ends and when I walk away, I'm gone.

The challenge is this is a hard wiring/core values thing, I doubt either of us is going to change their views in this regard.

So.

Now what?
 
I am sorry I don't fully understand the problem. Or what you're looking for. But I will say your idea that she must not be connected to you anymore, just because she sees someone else on same the day she sees you, is basically being a little rough on yourself. I have seen two guys in one day, and even though there were only a few hours in between didn't mean anything, in the sense that one was no longer special or part of me anymore. I still felt connected to one when I was with the other. And it can be quite a turn-on for both you and her, actually. I think this is just something you need to get past by seeing what's underneath your gut reactions, rather than make a rule about it. Like -- just as an example -- how we would work through jealousy, by stepping back and asking "what am I jealous of?" In this case, "What is this feeling of disconnection coming from?" Keep drilling down to the basis of it. Making a rule will impact their relationship, and since the other person has a limited schedule, that's might not be do-able. See if you can let her manage her relationships and her own schedule and you just relax and trust, and try to examine whatever comes up for you in the process. Being with two people in a day is not a crisis, but if you feel not taken care of, then voice your concerns.
 
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I'm looking for some compassion.

My response blindsided me but it's so gut deep and visceral, I don't see it changing any time soon. I've been with her for 18 months and counting, at month 17 she, with my support and encouragement added her new interest. My response to the 'double booking' was a huge shock for both of us.

As was the discovery that we are so polarized in our expectations in this regard. :(

Right now all I see is the disconnect, and no way to fix things. I'm asking for help and also if other people have this issue of going from one partner to another being distasteful when it's 'too close' and if so, how they've handled the discovery or did they just "know ahead of time?" What does that look like, do you ask for a sleep night or what ever?
 
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I have read many times here that alot of people do need a bit of a transition time after coming home from a date with an OSO. So their energies catch up with them and settle into being with the other partner. But I don't think I've read much here about the moments when two part company as one of the heads off to be with someone else, except for when someone drops their spouse off and they process some excitement or feeling a little weird if it's new.

Do you two live together? I'm a little confused about who is your gal and who is your primary.
 
Long responses. ~sigh~

I don't understand the problem. Or what you're looking for. But I will say your idea that she must not be connected to you anymore, just because she sees someone else on same the day she sees you, is basically being a little rough on yourself. I have seen two guys in one day, and even though there were only a few hours in between didn't mean anythin, in teh sense that one was no longer special or part of me anymore. I still felt connected to one when I was with the other.

I am struggling to grok that my sense of immediate connectivity is actually quite different than hers and where I wouldn't dream, like in a million years of taking that intense energy to another partner, for her it's, at the bare minimum a non-issue.

And it can be quite a turn-on for both you and her, actually.

Her maybe, but like I said in the other post, I don't actually know for certain yet. As for me, I do hear the details of her time in a mixture of broad and detailed strokes and it's a compersion reaction rather than a turn on. I'm thrilled she's having a hot and happy time. I really am. She's getting needs met that we knew I couldn't meet because of my own wiring and interests and that's joyful.

I think this is just something you need to get past by seeing what's underneath your gut reactions, rather than make a rule about it. Like how we would work through jealousy, step back and ask "what am I jealous of?" In this case, "What is this feeling of disconnection coming from?"

The connection is so energetic and so powerful for me, and I need to add spiritual here as well, that even when I walk away, it's like I'm still there. I go home, and I wrap myself in us; I bask in us. However, I have just discovered, last night, that once I leave there's no such lingering connection for her, at least not in a way which I can relate. For her:
When you walk out that door, you're gone.

Keep drillling down to the basis of it.

Last night I kept coming back to the image of her washing me off of her and going off with someone else. She clings to me and I cherish that, I don't just dump her energy and our connection and go out with someone else, and that includes my primary guy with whom I reside. I have down time, I tend to sleep alone after date nights because it takes time for me to disconnect on that intimate level.

The fact that she doesn't linger over us the way I do, that she can just 'move on' has shocked the tar out of me.

I feel abandoned.

There's a reason for my outrage at her unwillingness to meet this need...

When I asked to meet the new person for coffee, you know just to touch base and make certain everything was going well for everyone involved, I was told "She doesn't want to." (I do know her actually, just not well.)

When I suggested that perhaps sometime in the not too distant future we could hang out as a group, for coffee or some such thing, the gal flatly said no because "They both wouldn't know how to act around me."

Yet... When the gal said, hey, seeing you two nights a week and fitting in the new person is leaving me with no time for myself, time to see her and tired, can we go to once a week?

I said yes.

Given that now I only see her once a week and I only sleep over with my gal twice a month, asking for those two Saturdays for her not to have a date, seems reasonable to me; especially given the strength and abruptness of my newly discovered reaction. Instead, she's angry at me and "needs space to think." It's not like I feel this way on purpose and if I could blow it off, obviously I would.

As it appears that my feelings suddenly don't matter, I resent giving up my second date a week with her. She begged for that second date a week and we worked out a nice balanced schedule and were sticking to it. Then she suddenly needed that time for someone else. I gave it over, gladly, (at least I thought :(, now I resent it deeply) because she was at least getting a need met and that was important to me.

Making a rule will impact their relationship, and since the other person has a limited schedule, that's might not be do-able.

One of this new person's requirements is: Whomever she dates must also be in another another relationship. She's very busy and is also dating someone else and doesn't have time to be anyone's primary.

Their dynamic has impacted my relationship with my gal. I gave it, so she could get a need met, that I couldn't provide. Now, when a little give back is sought, I get anger from my gal. Her anger feels like my need of sleep space is less important because it impacts her relationship with the other person. :mad: Her new relationship deeply impacted our dynamic, as the newly minted "only one date per week" proves. I just gave up four dates a month because of the other relationship. I'm asking for two specific days back. I'm being told I'm being unfair because that impacts their dynamic... It not ironic when it is so blatantly unfair. :(

See if you can let her manage her relationships and her own schedule and you just relax and trust, and try to examine whatever comes up for you in the process. Being with two people in a day is not a crisis, but if you feel not taken care of, then voice your concerns.

I did, and see where it got me?
 
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I have read many times here that alot of people do need a bit of a transition time after coming home from a date with an OSO. So their energies catch up with them and settle into being with the other partner. But I don't think I've read much here about the moments when two part company as one of the heads off to be with someone else, except for when someone drops their spouse off and they process some excitement or feeling a little weird if it's new.

Do you two live together? I'm a little confused about who is your gal and who is your primary.

Well at least I'm not alone.

Shockingly, my gal (non-cohabitating girlfriend of 18 months) isn't one such person. News to me, but live and learn.

My primary is my male cohabitant partner of 13+ years.

Somewhere out there is long reply to your edited post. I explain more and hope I can get some insight.
 
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I had that problem pretty hardcore when my boyfriend started dating his girlfriend (now our girlfriend) 4 years ago. It was really visual and very upsetting for me. I felt like it was "gross" even if he showered afterwards. I don't know what to tell you other then I made some rules about it (no sex with both of us on the same day, for awhile I wanted at least 48 hours between him having sexual contact with her before we could have sexual contact) and then it stopped mattering. I don't really know why. As I got more comfortable with them as a couple and stopped feeling like they stopped caring about me when they were having sex and got to know her more and felt safer expressing my fears and worries to both of them... the feeling faded and then was gone completely.

For me it was just a very specific manifestation of the things I wasn't really okay with yet. So I made some rules but I watched them closely and kept checking in with myself if I still needed them and one day I didn't.

Rules and limits are a kind of crutch for me. I use them to help when I'm not strong enough yet. They are extremely useful as long as you are willing to keep checking in and not rely on them to much.
 
I don't know what to tell you other then I made some rules about it (no sex with both of us on the same day, for awhile I wanted at least 48 hours between him having sexual contact with her before we could have sexual contact)

This makes me feel a great deal better. I don't feel so alone in my response. I've been told in other places that I"m way out of line and I'm interfering in their relationship... (somewhere out there is a long story about how the new relationship has decimated time in mine)

and then it stopped mattering. I don't really know why. As I got more comfortable with them as a couple and stopped feeling like they stopped caring about me when they were having sex and got to know her more and felt safer expressing my fears and worries to both of them... the feeling faded and then was gone completely.

I'd love to hope for that... Argh the lost post! But getting to know her better has been shot down on my first attempt.

Rules and limits are a kind of crutch for me. I use them to help when I'm not strong enough yet. They are extremely useful as long as you are willing to keep checking in and not rely on them to much.
So far this is the first limit aside from take care of yourself (in her case that includes get decent sleep on work nights because she can't function otherwise) and safer sex guidelines that I've felt a need to toss into the works.
 
Considering you get to go spend time with your primary, and probably neither you or them would agree that you couldn't be sexual with them for X amount of time? If that isn't the case, that would not be very fair to ask of your girlfriend.

And I do think choosing to let her know you would like X amount of time between her being intimate with somebody and your next date in general can make sense, but probably not the best long term solution - what if you start dating somebody else someday, and then you can't be intimate with her because you can't schedule your dates X amount of time apart, or she starts seeing somebody else, etc.

I imagine this is just a temporary thing, so hopefully you are working on working through it instead of wishing you could put rules in place so you don't have to feel crappy.

Sorry if anything I am saying is off base or I misunderstand your situation with your primary, working on too little sleep here.
 
I can read tour post that is missing. Hopefully it will be up soon so others can read what I have. Sorry, only II can fix that one I think. Spam scensor got it for some reason.

It sounds to me like she is opperating on NRE. Its only been a month with this person no? She doesn't think about you because she is rushing into this persons arms. You are still in NRE with her and she, by the sounds of it, is not.

It will likely run its course and ya, doesn't feel all that great. Its too bad she told you she pretty much forgets about you when you aren't there. That hurts :(

I think that it might be time to negotiate when you get that date night back again. Working it out for her to get to know this person was very generous of you, but if you have become resentful then I would ask that sometime in the future you get that back.

I needed transition time when I spent nights at Mono's back in the day. I totally get that. I needed at least an hour. I would of wallowed for longer in his energy, but I had a responsibility to a child who hadn't seen me in 24 hours and had to suck it up. Now we live together and there is not the same urgency. It does pass. Think about you primary partner. Do you need the same transition where he is concerned? Likely not.

I have a partner that I have had to come to terms with in terms of how much time he wants to spend with me. One date a month is it for him. One text a day is enough also. He has insisted on this even though I have asked and whined. Finally I had to decide what was the best case scenario; see him once a month and scale back my longing and need for his presence or throw my hands up and say forget it. I thought the latter was too wrapped up in my ego so I gave him what he needed with a request that he text me and arrange some dates where I had arranged and done all the texting. It had made me feel used that I was doing all the work. He has respected my request and so while my connection has scaled back, I find that I am doing just fine as is and have moved my focus elsewhere. It has all taken time however.
 
So, while I spent the last two nights not sleeping and waiting for the shoe to drop, these are the things that have been going through my head.

  • What happened to taking things slowly and if there's a problem, we all take time and work it out? Isn't that how things are supposed to work?
  • What happened to edging into this carefully until we're certain it works for both of us?
  • So she's great! She rocks your world! And because of that I have to suck it up and deal rather than us taking it slowly. That's not the agreement we made!
  • Half the problem is the problem itself. The other half of the problem is my interpretation of her response:

    I didn't see"Crap. Ok, lets slow down and work on it."

    So far as I can tell: I got anger. I got resentment. I got the message that I was messing with her relationship. It seemed clear that she had no interest trying to make my limit work . She just decided it won't work and that I was interfering in her relationship.

    It would have been lovely to have acknowledgment that their relationship had already seriously impinged upon ours

  • Why am I being made out to be the bad guy for discovering a limit?

  • I gave up our time so she could get a need met and now, when I have a sudden need, an issue, I get anger. I really, really resent that and it's injured my trust. You aren't thinking about us, anymore, you're thinking about you and her
 
Things have to be fair to her, too. You stay over at her house until dinnertime, and you want her not to go out with another guy after you've gone. But where do you go after you leave her house? Home to your primary, right? So... you're allowed to see another person that day but she's not?
 
Fair and equality are different things.

I'm working with that concept now, very hard.

The implication that because I'm going to a house where there's a loved one, it's tacitly unfair that I ask her to be alone. Here's the problem, I never envisioned that she was alone... or more accurately, bereft, once I'm gone.

Many see me going "home to my Primary" in every sense of the word. So because I get one, it's only fair that she get one (equality). Here's the thing, for all intents and purposes, my Primary could be a roommate or not present at all. I go home but I don't "go home to him."

After she and I are together even when I drive away, she's with me. She's all over me, in me, through me. I can still breath her in, hear her laugh, my heart is still beating at that slower pace. I'm still 98% connected to her. In order for me to be that connected to someone else so quickly, I would have to make a heroic effort to disconnect myself from the previous person.

And until she and I finally spoke, long, hard, loud and tearfully today, that was the inner dialogue, complete with movie reel: That she intentionally discarding us... me, to be with the other person.

She has managed to convince me that this is inaccurate, that for her, my leaving is a profound disconnect and she's truly alone in every sense of the word, when I walk out that door.

Frankly, that breaks my heart.
 
If she's disregarding your feelings, and not trying to help you with this, that's a problem. But I agree with the other posters that it's not fair to ask her not to see her other partner. My impression is that your experience -- being so strongly connected to her that your primary may as well not be there after you see her -- is very rare.

I can tell you, as someone who's dated a married woman for two years and who's only recently had a primary of my own (and not a live-in one for the time being), there have been many times when I've left my gf's house and felt lonely as soon as I started driving away, not still magically connected, as nice as that sounds. Not to say that I leave feeling sad and lonely every time, far from it, but it can be hard, when I feel like I wanted more time but had to let her go anyway.

Sometimes after seeing her, I go home and sleep alone. Sometimes I go to my bf's place and spend the night with him. I base that decision on how he and I are doing and whether I want to see him, not on anything between her and I. I'll see her again when I next see her and that's that.

If she tried to tell me not to ever see him right after seeing her, I would be hurt, frankly, because that would mean I'd be forced to be doubly alone... not with her, and barred from seeing him. Sometimes, like I said, I choose that for myself. But if I'm lonely from missing her, and had to also deny myself his company if I wanted it and he was available, I think that would just magnify any sense of isolation I was already feeling to the point of intolerability, plus it might well negatively affect my relationship with him because we'd be missing chances to connect, and time can be such a rare and previous commodity in the lives of poly folk.

So, I guess what I'm saying is I'm sorry you're hurting, and your gf should be sensitive to that, but I sympathize with her 1,000% on this one.
 
So
Is not wanting her new oso all over me also wrong?
this is an *energy* thing for me, amazingly enough, If I wanted to be rolling around in that person's energy, I'd be with *them*.

Is me saying hey, don't go directly from sexual contact with them to being sexually intimate with me, also wrong?
 
So
Is not wanting her new oso all over me also wrong?
this is an *energy* thing for me, amazingly enough, If I wanted to be rolling around in that person's energy, I'd be with *them*.

Is me saying hey, don't go directly from sexual contact with them to being sexually intimate with me, also wrong?

That sounds like a perfectly fair request to me, actually.
 
I think you've gotten a lot of good advice and some other sides to the story.

Here's what I'm seeing.

Previously, you got to have what you want, and it seemed lovely. And the "thought" of her having another SO was fine, because it was theoretical.

Now it's a reality and you're experiencing some emotions you didn't plan on, jealousy, envy, loss, feeling replaced, feeling not as important.

Basically--all of the emotions most of us feel and have to work through when we're first learning to have multiple relationships (with a rare few exceptions of course!).

And instead of realizing "oh, this is what it feels like, wow! Why am I feeling this?", instead of investigating what emotions you're feeling and what thoughts (and make believe stories) your emotions are building... you just want it to stop, and want her to stop so you don't feel bad.

I totally understand that, believe me. I think many of us have been in that same place. But the fact is that your reaction/emotions/thoughts are pretty normal, and it is for YOU to work through them. Of course, getting that reassurance from your SO can make a huge difference, getting her support in realizing it's a bit harder for you than you'd like, so she can be reassuring and gentle and kind while you're working through it.

And maybe you're not getting the reassurance from your SO that you wanted because of your approach. Maybe instead of "I feel like shit, you need to stop what you're doing because it makes me feel bad", you could say something more like "Hey, I didn't realize that I'd have these strong feelings about you being with him after me. Can you reassure me that you miss me when I'm gone, and that we are still connected?"

You might get a better response, and more of what you need, if you ask for what will reassure you instead of trying to control her actions. Because frankly I do agree it's not fair to want her to sit there alone while you go home to your primary. And even if she were to agree to that, there would be a degree of resentment that would build that could possibly destroy what you have.

Besides, doing the work you need to do to work through your emotions/feelings/thoughts is important work. Yes it's easier not to do it and just try to make everybody else change their lives so that you don't have to. But in the long run, you're the one that loses out. Growth is good.
 
So
Is not wanting her new oso all over me also wrong?
this is an *energy* thing for me, amazingly enough, If I wanted to be rolling around in that person's energy, I'd be with *them*.

Is me saying hey, don't go directly from sexual contact with them to being sexually intimate with me, also wrong?


There's no "wrong" involved. You can most certainly ask for that. Would it be a temorary thing while you got accustomed to the new situation, or would it be permanent?

And, just out of curiosity, do you go home from her and have sex with your primary, or do you always have a break? I know a lot of people that will have sex and cuddle or whatever with their primary as a way of reconnecting after being with other(s). They take that sexual energy from the OSO and bring it back home and share with their partner. To many people that's one of the benefits of poly relationships.

So just a food for thought question... why do you consider that energy from another partner "bad". What's the deal? It's just energy.
 
So
Is not wanting her new oso all over me also wrong?
this is an *energy* thing for me, amazingly enough, If I wanted to be rolling around in that person's energy, I'd be with *them*.

I am not quite following how your gf would be rubbing the energy she has with her other partner all over you. According to her, when she parts company with you, that's it. She starts afresh and doesn't bring that energy with her. So, she'd probably do the same thing with her other loves and start afresh with you. Hence you would not be "rolling around" in anyone else's energy, as you put it.

As far as discovering this reaction in yourself, be careful not to... for lack of a better word, wallow in it. In other words, see if you can look at your reaction like an anthropologist, step back a bit from the tumultuous emotions, and observe this in yourself. Ask why it is that you're having such a strong response and feel so offended by her ability to disengage. Examine your response instead of waving it around like it means something. Take it as something to learn about yourself from.

Also, consider that perhaps her ability to do this means she takes all the wonderful heady feelings she has when she's with you and is able to carry them in her heart without getting lost in the clouds about it. So, she has her feet on the ground. You way of carrying the energy with you is your way, and her way of setting it aside is hers; neither is better than the other. She deals with having multiple partners differently than you do; why does this make you feel slighted? I would hazard a guess that, for some reason, this has poked a bit at some insecurities you carry around with you.
 
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So
Is not wanting her new oso all over me also wrong?
this is an *energy* thing for me, amazingly enough, If I wanted to be rolling around in that person's energy, I'd be with *them*.

Is me saying hey, don't go directly from sexual contact with them to being sexually intimate with me, also wrong?

I don't see anything wrong with your request. I am very big on energy transfer as well. I don't want to experience a lot of people's energy...and sexual energy is definitely not something I want to be exposed to besides Redpepper's.

I remember having sex with RP after she had a date with Leo that left her aroused. I later felt kind of like a substitute or stand in for the sex she really wanted to have with him. Basically I felt like I was swimming in thier sexual energy and it left me unsettled and "tainted" I guess you could say.

I don't see any harm in having a cool down time.
 
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