What if i never can change...

newguy

New member
Hello all,

I already posted (or tried to post) this to one of Polykat’s post but I’m restarting here to get a fresh start. It was in response to MonoVCPHG’s post post….

I’m Polykat’s finace’…I read your suggested posts on your feelings but what made me comment at this time (first time commenting on her post) was the statement that you made, “You need to look out for yourself by not committing to a monogamous marriage if you can't be healthy as well.”

I agree!! In fact, every since she informed me of her desires I told her that I may not be the man for her…I also told her (and still believe) that I may never be able to be in this type of relationship. I told her that I think it’s best for her to move on without me…because I feel that although she is happy with me, she will never have complete happiness because of her feelings towards this lifestyle.

She has assured me that she is happy with what we have (for now) and that she would like me to “evolve” past my mono mind set and that she will stay with me even if this does not happen.

My minds said leave her now!!! It will hurt (a lot) but it will be better for the both of us! My hearts said stay and love her until 1) you “evolve” or 2) SHE leaves you. Now I can’t say for certain but I don’t see myself evolving and she says that she will never leave me…not even for complete happiness! During our discussions, she informed me that she wouldn’t move forward (sleep with or start a poly relationship with another man) without my blessing and if I decide to never give my blessing she will still be happy…I take that to mean that she won’t be completely happy.

My thoughts…from what I have researched on this matter, poly people are not nor could they ever be completely happy living a mono life. I was told that it’s like suppressing your true self and your true feelings. And I feel, like the people that have suppressed their feelings will eventually give into them! I also feel that she (Polykat) will eventually will give into her feelings and give me the ultimatum of being in a poly/mono relationship or no relationship at all. Even though she has said numerous of times that this would never happen, I’m preparing myself for (what I think is) the inevitable. At this point, I’m just trying to get all the love I can for as long as I can!!!

So…my questions to you MonoVCPHG (and all) are:

1. Can a poly suppressed their feeling and desires forever and should they even try?

2. Am I wrong for denying her complete happiness knowing (or feeling) that it would destroy mine?

3. (Most importantly) Should we get married knowing that I probably will never change my view on this matter?

Thanks for reading and responding.

WR,

NG
 
I haven't read everything, so this may be answered elsewhere, but has the engagement been formally announced? Is there a reason why the decision has to be now? Some couples stay together forever, it seems, before they tie the knot. Some stay together and never do. If this is the biggest fear, can you avoid it for now and just see what happens?
 
I think you are being quite reasonable in assessing things and I would not recommend getting married for some time yet. Keep talking and working things out. Be very cautious about making your commitment legal, because getting out of it can be very messy, should you realize down the road that marriage won't work.
 
Thanks Jade....

Well everyone knows that we are engaged but we have not set a date...but even when we do get married, it won't be a big wedding...just me her the pastor and a witness or two...

I say that because after/if we get through this, we can get married without hesitation.
 
Dear NewGuy,

I won't leave u in 3 or 5 or 10 years because u don't want me to have a boyfriend. I love u very much!

Love,
KAT
 
Dear NewGuy,

I won't leave u in 3 or 5 or 10 years because u don't want me to have a boyfriend. I love u very much!

Love,
KAT

good to hear baby...I love you!!;)

(would say love NewGuy but we both know that's not what I want so...)

Love,
ME
 
Goin' to the chapel and we're
Gonna get married
Gee, I really love you and we're
Gonna get married
Goin' to the chapel of love
 
Just to be clear -- NG, you feel you would be too hurt to stay in the relationship if PK were to have an intimate physical and/or emotional relationship with another man, but feel you can accept the fact that she has desires for such a relationship as long as she can refrain from acting on them without being unfulfilled. And PK, you find that you get strong crushes on guys easily based on their scent, and have a dream of one day having multiple relationships, but feel that your love for NG is stronger than these desires.

Is that all correct?
 
And PK, you find that you get strong crushes on guys easily based on their scent, and have a dream of one day having multiple relationships, but feel that your love for NG is stronger than these desires.

Is that all correct?

Yes, that's correct.
 
, but feel you can accept the fact that she has desires for such a relationship as long as she can refrain from acting on them without being unfulfilled.
Is that all correct?

AnnabelMore

Correct on all except the part above...I don't want her to not be able to acheive complete happiness...but I don't think that I could be in a relationship where she don't refrain...my thought is that one day this disire will be stronger than her love for me and she will act on them...that's why I asked the question about is it possible...

But, because today she feels that she can refrain, I'm staying with her until she feels that she can't...when that day comes, I'll have to make a big decision!!!

But, until then, I'm going to enjoy loving her as much as I can!

Love u Kat;)
 
but feel you can accept the fact that she has desires for such a relationship as long as she can refrain from acting on them without being unfulfilled.

I don't want her to not be able to acheive complete happiness

Thus my caveat above, bolded. But we may be splitting hairs, I think I've got the story down. AND, it sounds like you guys have got your minds made up and I'm all in favor of it. We've had sad stories here from unhappy wives struggling with their desire for poly, but in the cases I can recall the husband didn't know about it from the start and felt betrayed, or considered it morally wrong and thus looked down on his wife, or there were other serious communication problems, etc. I don't know that we have have any reason to believe that a marriage like this can't work if everyone goes into it with open eyes and mutual acceptance.

Then again, clearly in some cases this issue does force people apart -- http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19985

But even though that's a possibility, I don't think it means you shouldn't try. Everyone is different and what one person can't live with, another one can. And it sounds like you guys are enough in love that you'll always wonder what you missed if you don't give it a try.

That said, feelings do change. I'm sure that PK will be open to the idea that her desire for poly could fade away. And NG, I hope you'll do the same thing on your side and stay open to the idea that your fierce resistance to the idea might fade. You're right that her desire for this *might* some day become too strong for her to ignore without being unhappy... if that day does come, perhaps years from now, wouldn't it be wonderful if you'd been reading and thinking about it and had come around to feeling like you could give her some small measure of freedom that could make all involved happy and keep you both together?

Maybe it's unrealistic to think that could happen, and I'm interested to see what any mono men have to say. But my own bf was wholly against the idea of poly when he and I were still just fwb's and I first started dating my married gf. He thought it was a bad, flawed idea and not something he himself could ever do. Time went by and his feelings softened and now it's not a big deal to him. You've had a VERY short time to process this new idea... while it may seem incredibly improbable now, don't rule out the possibility of change with time.
 
Thanks for your insight, Annabel! We're both processing and this has been and will continue to be a great learning process for us. I am pleased to have shared this part of myself with him and for him to have attempted to understand me and vise versa. And with this open dialogue we have, if my desires did become increasingly stronger, he would know every step of the way and have the opportunity to adjust to the situation and possibly adjust his thinking to wrap his head around my thoughts, feelings, and needs. I am happy to go through this journey with him, wherever it leads.

Head over heels for that guy!
 
This seems to of stemmed from another thread. What is the thread address please for those who want to read what was discussed previously.
 
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