Everyone is Poly underneath

MrRusty

New member
Hey, just come out of a conversation with my poor hurting mono partner - poly is new but feels like a homecoming to me. Anyway we talked about guys she has enjoyed in the past. How wonderful is that, less than a week in? What a woman!

Bear that in mind - I am on a bit of a high as you read this and any dedicated monos please don't be offended it's just a theory born of the exuberance of this moment in my life.

Anyway, there will be more preamble than theory if I don't start soon:

I think everyone is poly really. After all we don't love our kids mono-fashion, we don't love only one of our parents (usually), we have multiple friendship partners. At our best we fill the world with mutual affirmation and love.

But, but, but - when it comes to sex, we are frightened. Male lions eat the cubs of the lionesses they will soon have sex with when they join a new pride. deep down we have this visceral fear of what might go wrong if we are not sure about who belongs to whom. Which children are mine, which women are mine, which man is mine? It's all insecurity driven.

Society has internalised this fear and protects us against it with monogamy. In religious words, marriage is God's gift to a broken world.

Underneath all that we are all bubbling over with love for each other. It's just human nature. But as with other aspects of life, most of us - all of us to a certain extent - allow our thoughts to be strongly influenced, even controlled by the society of our peers. In short social norms become our innermost thoughts. We repress all this and accept monogamy as the 'natural way'.

Into this world, from time to time are born and maybe nurtured, children with enough self-assuredness to question society and to analyse their own thoughts. They're not anything special, no amazing insight, no superior intellect, just an odd ability to distance themselves from society more than can the common man (man embraces woman throughout (teehee)).

We - I'm one - score high on business measures such as "challenging the established way of doing things". And with our vision thus unclouded we conjure a picture of a world where love flows freely between us all, where we can all express ourselves fully and freely with neither guilt nor jealousy.

And a few of us are brave enough - even if it takes decades - to try and make it happen in reality. In bits and pieces, baby step by baby step we want to liberate ourselves and those around us. We want to permit love to be expressed wherever it bubbles through. No guilt, so shame, no secrets.

Mono is, I believe, just an acceptance of the social norm and the fear that drives that norm. It's not the natural state of loving humans. One day we shall see its demise, and the world will be joyful.

I'll get me coat. :eek:

Rusty
 
You are making a lot of broad sweeping generalizations based on something you believe. As a poly person I can appreciate the core of what you are saying but my parents would disagree and I would agree with them. I disagree with the multitude of "everyone" statements.

Don't put your beliefs on other people...its annoying. Religion has been doing this for years, zealots and the like.

Reading this reminds me of those people that claim everyone is bi-sexual (the real great ones say only women are all bi-sexual)...this just isn't true either.

There is no one thing in personality or behaviour and their combinations, anywhere that applies to everyone. Gotta love being human eh?

As an aside, there are a number of mono people here trying to deal with their partner being poly. Read through some threads and their pain of just not getting it. Can't fathom polyamory..its just not in their wiring. You kind of insult them by claiming "everyone is poly, they just haven't found it/loved it/lived it/discovered it"

Applying polyamory to children is grand...but children are different than "loves"...polyamory for me is about romantic/sexual/intimate relationships.

I also have to say, this discussion, as it continues will likely shed light onto why I am not out as "poly" but out as "open"...poly is vague, left to interpretation and has a large number of people that view poly as very different than I do. I identify as poly simply because of my experience of being in love with two people at once...I don't identify with it because I intend to walk around loving everyone in their own way. Its just not my thing.
 
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Why get your coat? I happen to agree with you, lol.

I've said that for the last four years--everyone is poly to some extent whether they'll admit it or not. The hermit is about the ONLY person who isn't some sort of poly, lol, and that's only because he never goes out of his cabin in the woods.

Man is NOT a solitary creature.

If you want to get all religious God said to go forth and multiply. He didn't say how many times nor with how many people.

I've only mentioned my theory to a couple of other people but one of them was most definitely against it, lol. He is no longer in my life & we're much better off without him any way, :D.
 
I think everyone is poly really.

As with most things involved with the human experience, there's a broad range of what folks are going to find works for them individually. When speaking of romantic relationships, there will be folks who are strictly monogamous and only ever have one partner, folks who are serially monogamous, folks who are poly and only comfortable with two partners, folks who can handle three or four partners, folks who feel comfortable with a Rolodex full of partners, those who are comfortable only with vees, those comfortable only with triads, and on and on. Any attempt to generalize all humans as being naturally suited for one subset of that variety is bound to be inaccurate at its foundation.

So, while I would agree that more people could enjoy doing poly than currently do, I disagree that everybody is naturally suited to doing poly.

OK, I'm finished applying the wet blanket. Enjoy your newfound liberation!
 
I have a wet blanket:

Even if "everyone" "really" "is" poly, it's not as though everyone is going to be compatible, so I see the OP as an exercise in intellectual masturbation (not in a bad way, unless you'd consider masturbation a "bad" thing). Even if it could be proved 1000% beyond a doubt, I don't think it would make too much difference in practice:

"ok, so everyone is polyamorous to some degree whether they realize it or not. What now?"

Do we all go out and get fluid-bonded with each other?
 
I'm not going to rain on your parade LOL......this is a topic I don't even debate anymore other then to say I don agree with sweeping satements and certainly not this idea.
 
No no - not a shagfest!

I can see how a couple of you have interpreted what I wrote - so before that goes off in a silly direction I don't think the world should be a shagfest. I just mean that in an ideal world we should be as initimate as we are comfortable with, with whoever we feel comfortable with, whenever. Without rules and judgement, just driven by our love. Just an old hippy really.
 
I can see how a couple of you have interpreted what I wrote - so before that goes off in a silly direction I don't think the world should be a shagfest. I just mean that in an ideal world we should be as initimate as we are comfortable with, with whoever we feel comfortable with, whenever. Without rules and judgement, just driven by our love. Just an old hippy really.

Thanks, that makes perfect sense :) Thanks for clarifying
 
Two comments

Mono is, I believe, just an acceptance of the social norm and the fear that drives that norm.

My two cents is that anyone who knows that they don't have to be monogamous and chooses to be anyway deserves credit enough to be trusted with their own choice on the matter. It's one thing to wax poetically about the masses who've never thought that there might be another way, or to quote Kinsey on how sexually permissive they might secretly be under the surface, or whatever... But those who make an informed choice about themselves? Let them have their way, especially since we're asking the same of them.

Personally, I think there's a poly/mono scale much like the hetero/homo one Kinsey developed. Some people are stuck on one side or the other, so much so that they can't conform to dominant social pressure on the matter. Some are in the middle, often leaning in one direction but sometimes truly able to go either way.

I can see how a couple of you have interpreted what I wrote - so before that goes off in a silly direction I don't think the world should be a shagfest. I just mean that in an ideal world we should be as initimate as we are comfortable with, with whoever we feel comfortable with, whenever. Without rules and judgement, just driven by our love. Just an old hippy really.

As long as non-participation is an option, and self-limited participation is an option, that sounds dandy to me too. :)
 
I wouldn't really agree that everyone is "poly". I mean that title works for what it's made for, but not for such a wide sweeping generalization as "everyone".
We are all subject to different perspectives as we are all individuals. So assuming that the social roles were reversed, and multiple loving relationships were all over the t.v, movies, next door, wherever, there would still be alot of people who would just choose one person as a lover :/

But, i kinda get your point. Deep down...you kinda want everyone to be poly :p It's not so bad to dream...
 
Personally, I think there's a poly/mono scale much like the hetero/homo one Kinsey developed. Some people are stuck on one side or the other, so much so that they can't conform to dominant social pressure on the matter. Some are in the middle, often leaning in one direction but sometimes truly able to go either way.

I would say this is probably true, but not sure what a polyamory/mono chart would look like. I created one based on the Kinsey scale for hetorsexual/homosexual. (See the attachment.) The top is hetro/homo and the bottom is poly/mono. Maybe that's what it would be like???

Anyway....the other thing to remember is that sometimes we change. At one time in my life, I considered myself to be a 6 on the Kinsey scale (exclusively homosexual) and I was in a monogamous lesbian relationship for 12 years. But, after that ended I have lived an exclusively heterosexual lifestyle.....at the other end of the scale.....being in only heterosexual monogamous relationships......now it's all open!! :D

So based on that, I guess I would say that "Everyone is Bisexual and Polyamory Underneath".....NOT :D
 

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I see kinsey's scale of sexuality as more of a water balloon as do I the question of poly and mono... They change and move around inside the walls of definition... those walls change too. nothing is as static as a scale to me. It depends on a whole lot of things from who I am with, and what is going on in my life.

One other note, it's great to be all NRE about poly, but it really isn't for everyone. It isn't easy to handle for a lot of people and while they might love the idea of loving free there are some major trials and tribulations... if you are not the type that loves drama at every turn and prefers to concentrate on a career or something else, monogamy might work better. That doesn't mean that you can't identify as poly or even live within it's bounds... just that the water balloon has shifted and you are in a different place at the moment....
 
<<<<<chuckling in a good way>>>>

Oooooooooo yes - if it could only be that simple !
And true - for some it can be.
But not for everyone. For reasons to myriad to list.

GS
 
I can completely see what you are trying to say. Oddly enough I was sitting in Outback yesterday for Mothers day and a very similar thought pattern started to cross my mind.
 
Some great posts folks, you all come across as wonderfully thoughtful, intelligent and compassionate folks. Pleasure to be here.

I particularly like saudade's

"anyone who knows that they don't have to be monogamous and chooses to be anyway deserves credit enough to be trusted with their own choice"

Rusty
 
Some great posts folks, you all come across as wonderfully thoughtful, intelligent and compassionate folks. Pleasure to be here.

I particularly like saudade's

"anyone who knows that they don't have to be monogamous and chooses to be anyway deserves credit enough to be trusted with their own choice"

Rusty

I agree this is a cool comment Rusty. I do however believe people can only chose to act monogamous. Being monogamous is a much different thing and not a choice similar to choosing to act gay as opposed to actually being gay. I would never deny a person that they can be wired gay. Would anyone I wonder?

The train of thought that everyone is poly or that everyone is truly mono is comparable to the thought that everyone is truly bi-sexual. Does anyone buy that thought?
 
The train of thought that everyone is poly or that everyone is truly mono is comparable to the thought that everyone is truly bi-sexual. Does anyone buy that thought?

Actually, yes, I think I could believe that. Personally I am pretty happily hetero, and there are so many great women out there . . but if I met a really special guy . . who knows? I hope I wouldn't close my mind.
 
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Do or do not, there is no try

@Mono-- I agree there's a distinction between acting mono and being mono (or poly), particularly when aspects of each tend to be closeted. Thanks for clarifying my language.

@idealist-- Thanks for charting it! Also, great point about one's "number" (read: identity) changing over time. I'm 2;6 (hetero leaning bi; utterly poly). In my case, the numbers shifted upward from 0;0 in correlation with my life experience and knowledge about the world.

@RP: Imagining a scalar model as a water balloon? Huh... :)
 
As long as non-participation is an option, and self-limited participation is an option, that sounds dandy

Oh yeas, of course, I did say before I started that I was going to be over-exuberant because of my mood. :)

The whole point of exploring these areas of our psyche is to be open to express our true feelings, isn't it?

I think perhaps that element of 'everyone's doing it' coercion that (I'm told) went with the free love concept was were that movement went wrong.

In the real world not everyone will want to be poly, or even think about ot for all sorts of complex reasons.

I really am going to have to read all of Kinsey, I think.

Loving being here
 
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