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-   -   emotional deadlock (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4603)

LovingRadiance 01-10-2011 06:29 PM

Maca's whole world was destroyed by my needs.

But-how I avoid that now is that I don't push.

I try to find the small steps that lead in a direction.

For example, with dating,

(I don't have an overnight with my bf)

We've agreed that a datenight every week or two works for now.
Working towards one a week.

That's not what I'd like to see it as, but it's more than what I had before; so it's a fair starting point.

Maca knows it's not fulfilling my needs-so he continues to work towards giving me more.


affection in front of him.

I'd like to just "do what's comfortable". But nothing is comfortable to him.

So it started with just a hug goodnight.
Now we've added in hugs anytime and periodically those hugs are "holding each other" for several minutes as we talk.
We've also added kisses to the goodnight hug.

One little babystep at a time.

We started the polyamory trail September 25th 2009.
It's a rough road to start down when dealing with insecurities and jealousy...

Joyce 01-10-2011 07:12 PM

"One little babystep at a time. "


I definitely need to work on my patience. :) Haha. :D

redpepper 01-10-2011 07:56 PM

Joyce, forgive me if I have repeated myself... on this thread anyways... I do repeat myself on this one a lot, but there are some really great threads on here about creating a poly foundation and what lessons some of us have learned having done this for awhile... you can find them by doing a tag search and typing in "foundations" or "lessons" I have found them really helpful. Maybe you will too.

polyexplorer 01-13-2011 10:18 AM

Hi Robin and Joyce,

It sounds like a roller coaster ride for the two of you! I wish you the very best...

In reading your posts I haven't heard much about Joyce's boyfriend, but from what is present, I have to be honest and say that I'm disappointed in him. He is married, you are both married. If I was considering a married woman for myself as a girlfriend, I would want to go out of my way to make sure that her relationship with her husband is strong and that they are both comfortable with a possible new relationship entering into the dynamic.

Without knowing details, it does not seem like he has been doing very much to ensure that you are both in a good place to allow this relationship to continue. He has some responsibility in all this too...

Joyce 01-13-2011 10:39 AM

A quick reply.

In my experience J. always did the best he could to understand and support us. The beautiful thing here is that J. once was in the same position Robin is in now. They really seem to understand each other and became friends too. :)

J. always support the choices we make. And right now, for example, he respects the choice we made about me not seeing J. for a while. He never meant to destroy our marriage, and in my optimistic opinion that is not going to happen either.

I think in this case I am the one who was very enthousiastic... Currently I'm trying to lead that enthousiasm in the right direction. :)

polyexplorer 01-13-2011 10:52 AM

Thanks for the clarification Joyce... it does sound like J is supportive...

I know that for me, I would want to be having an honest conversation with the married partner of a woman I was considering to become a girlfriend. And if I saw the rollercoaster ride happening that seems to have been happening with the two of you, I would want to apologize to the other guy for the pain caused and offer any way of helping the situation that I can rather than just leaving it to the two of you to sort it out and then jumping right in when a green light is given.

That's just me anyway...

Maybe J is being more supportive than the perspective that the posts here have been giving, and a question I have for Robin is whether he feels like J is doing all he can to ensure that the two of you are OK...

Joyce 01-13-2011 11:06 AM

I think it's the best if Robin tells us something about his experience. He knows it the best of course.

Very soon J. will join us here at the poly-forum. He told me (after getting told that it was ok. to do some reading here) that he is creating an acount.
He thought it was a good thing to read more. :)

polyexplorer 01-13-2011 11:17 AM

That sounds good... I hope that being on here is helpful to all you... it certainly seems like you are all working hard to make it work...

erithacus 01-13-2011 11:18 AM

Hi polyexplorer,

I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, we do talk sometimes, and he always says he understands me. There is definitely a level of trust and friendship between us. That's good, because it means there's something to build on.

On the other hand, I do not feel supported. He might understand, but his actions haven't shown much consideration. But then again, I haven't been communicating my needs too well, and if even Joyce failed to read between the lines, I can't really expect him to manage that. Or can I? Like I said: mixed feelings.

A big part of the problem is that on the occasions we talked I have communicated rationally that things were okay. Not only to him, also to Joyce. Much less frequent I have communicated rationally that things were not okay. Most of the signs that things were not okay were emotional: bouts of crying, bad dreams, bad moods, needing distance between Joyce and myself. I once told Joyce that she should listen to what I said, not what happened when we would have major drama. So she did. But I think because of this too many of the emotional signs got ignored. And I think J followed Joyce's lead in this.

It's actually quite simple. There's a very big communication FAIL that has been going on for some time. But we're working on that now, and I'm slowly getting back my belief that we can actually do this. :)


erithacus 01-13-2011 11:19 AM


Originally Posted by polyexplorer (Post 60178)
That sounds good... I hope that being on here is helpful to all you... it certainly seems like you are all working hard to make it work...

Yes, it's helping a LOT! Thank you all :)

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