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-   -   emotional deadlock (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4603)

erithacus 01-09-2011 12:21 AM

Hi RP,

thank you again for your reply. Yes, I have read (and am reading again) those threads. All the comments and doubts I read in response to my posts are all very valid and I feel most of them too. And all the good advice has not been wasted on me, either. But I'll have to find a way to make sure she sees how she has behaving. Thankfully I get a lot of support from a few friends and parents (both mine and hers) but that also makes it even harder on her: she has become the black sheep that is endangering our marriage (which she is, if you'd ask me) but everyone telling her so isn't helping her to turn around. It might even be forcing her even more into the self-righteous viewpoint that she has the right to do this and that I should not control her by setting boundaries.

Ah well, we'll see how it works out.

robin

redpepper 01-09-2011 12:27 AM

that's tough. I would react the same way if everyone were seemingly ganging up on me. Is there any chance she can do some reading here? We are all in this together and really, most people have the same struggles starting out.. it's a matter of getting through it and coming out the other side... no one here has an invested interest in her seeing things differently, so perhaps it would be more of a reality check for her.

If she isn't comfortable posting she can PM. I am willing to be there if she needs an ear to bend. Sometimes someone to talk to really helps... and I do get where SHE is coming from. She is not alone on this journey, there are many people here who will understand and be confidential if she needs to speak freely but in private.

erithacus 01-09-2011 12:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 59160)
If she isn't comfortable posting she can PM. I am willing to be there if she needs an ear to bend. Sometimes someone to talk to really helps... and I do get where SHE is coming from. She is not alone on this journey, there are many people here who will understand and be confidential if she needs to speak freely but in private.

RP, thank you for the kind offer. I'll make sure to let her know.

Joyce 01-09-2011 02:08 PM

Hi there..

the post Redpepper made today on this thread I saw in my mail-box a few hours ago.
So, here I am: the girl (wife) Robin has been talking about.

:)

Nice to meet you all.

And ehm, thanks for letting me know it's ok. to do some reading here. Actually, I found myself very curious and wanted to read the posts Robin wrote lately. But didn't want to make him feel unsafe in his new way of finding some support. It's funny that it turns out to be fine to do some reading anyhow.

I have decided to not directly react to the things Robin wrote. I'm sure to do some posts when I feel ready.

I will do the best I can writing understandable english. Please let me know when things aren't clear.

Anyway. The sun is shining for the first time this year. Spring is coming. Trust is moving towards me in a slow pace.
I truly hope that the sun will lighten our hearts and give everyone the strength to look ourselves in the eye, be honest, and finally to look at the bright side of life.

Always walk on the sunny side of the street. :)

Joyce

redpepper 01-09-2011 06:21 PM

Nice to hear from you Joyce. It's always helpful to get both sides of a story... welcome and take your time here.... there is no rush and no obligation.:)

Joyce 01-09-2011 06:36 PM

Thank you for the warm welcome. Reading all the stories and posts makes me feel more and more confident that we can manage to find a way that works for us all. :)

LovingRadiance 01-09-2011 11:14 PM

Joyce/ Robin:

May I give a suggestion from my heart?

(Joyce, I know Robin has read a recent thread about my situation, please feel free to also or ask me questions if you'd like to know ;) )

I find that sometimes "boundary lists" are created with one person thinking "this is all I can handle" and the other person thinking "this won't be enough for me".

Both are probably correct AT THIS MOMENT.

But-a boundary list doesn't have to be a "forever it stays this way document".

Would it be possible for each of you to make your own lists-then come together with a "suggested time schedule" for getting from one to the other?

Example:

"no sex that requires condoms" is one end of the spectrum "unprotected sex" the other.

Can you lay it out with what goes between AND put a schedule to when each level will be reached so that instead of jumping from "nothing" to "everything" (and back again) as emotions surge,

you can take it one step at a time?

AND

dates

What I hear (which could be wrong so bare with me) is Robin saying that he feels as though you have date nights with J but he's lacking time with you.

Can the two of you schedule 2 date nights with each other each week also?

One thing I pictured as an optimal scenario for me was being able to have from 4pm on one night until noon the next with BF, then having from 4pm-noon with DH.

The other thing which seems to REALLY help is to schedule "reconnect time" for the 2-4 hours after a date with BF. That time is devoted to spending with Maca-NOT talking about my date; but talking about US. We might take a bath, share back rubs, go for a walk or a drive, something we can do together and talk also (not a movie). That way we can reconnect and there isn't the sense that I went on a date and "disappeared" from our life.


....

I posted a couple days ago about schedules for building relationships, privileges to go along with that etc.

If you want an example to work from you might check out my blog. The address is in my signature.

Also the book "Opening Up" has a LOT LOT LOT of suggestions on things to consider when trying to create a PRODUCTIVE boundary list. ;)

Joyce 01-10-2011 09:31 AM

I feel free to react on this post, because it is also addressed to me. I'm not sure if it is ok. because it is Robin's thread.. I'm not sure how the policy is of two people involved posting in the same thread. But I begin to think that isn't a problem at all..?
" May I give a suggestion from my heart?"

- Of course, those are the best, aren't they?

" (Joyce, I know Robin has read a recent thread about my situation, please feel free to also or ask me questions if you'd like to know ;) )

I find that sometimes "boundary lists" are created with one person thinking "this is all I can handle" and the other person thinking "this won't be enough for me". "

- I think you are right by the boundary list thing.. In my experience Robin and I both felt unseen by making a compromise in the boundary list.

" Both are probably correct AT THIS MOMENT. "

- For ourselves the lists are correct, but maybe they are not for each other.. I'm not sure about that because we aren't working on the boundary lists.

" But-a boundary list doesn't have to be a "forever it stays this way document". "

- Well.. I did hold on to the idea of that things will change. I begin to wonder if that's why Robin felt rushed and pushed.

" Would it be possible for each of you to make your own lists-then come together with a "suggested time schedule" for getting from one to the other? "

- That sounds like a wonderful idea. It sounds like something we were trying to do. The conflict we found ourselves in a few weeks ago was that Robin found out he stretched his boundaries to far. So he started to pull them back. I got scared that in the end he didn't want the whole love more than one person thing. I felt treated dishonest because I did everything we could think of to make it work. The dating nights, and talk talk talk about everything, reconnect to each other, read the books, make good plans, take our dynamic life to the therapist, etc.
Now I can see that the moment I felt angry was that I lost my patience and understanding for Robin. But of course that was his problem, because I felt exactly the same. Another thing that made me even more angry were the people in our environment that told me that I should stop it all because it would kill our marriage. I felt so judged and unseen, that the angry feeling stayed.
Right now I am afraid of Robin making the same mistake by taking a compromise to the negotiation table, and then I start to compromise of course. I don't want that to happen.. That's why I'm a little afraid of the suggestions you did. Because it sounds like the right thing to do. But the right things to do turns out the be the wrong things two weeks later. :( And then I feel angry again.

I will talk it through with Robin in the evening. :) I can write more, but I'm running out of time.

LovingRadiance 01-10-2011 06:08 PM

That sounds a lot like where we're at right now Joyce.

Ironically,
I'm the poly one with a boyfriend.
BUT-now that Maca is "trying" it became evident that I never considered my needs in regards to how we move forward.

So when the question of using our room came up I just capitulated, without even considering the implications to myself or to Maca and my relationship.

THEN a few days later, it really clicked for me that this "compromise" wasn't just going to mess with my head, it was going to actively create negative problems in our relationship. So I put my foot down.

Not really a healthy way to handle it. I should have looked at my needs, the request, considered it thoroughly and then sat down to discuss with Maca what options there were to get his needs met without overstepping mine.

We actually got to that point last night. But,

that was why I felt compelled to say something to you two. It sounded like MORE of a misinterpretation between the two of you, ie not grasping the time frames that might make the change/learning/growth more feasible and functional; less like an actual inabillity to work together.

:)

Good luck to you both.

Joyce 01-10-2011 06:24 PM

It's a very good thing to discuss things, if you're expecting that it will mess with your head the other way. But how do you manage to don't let it happen that Maca feels pushed by your needs? I really need to figure that one out..

Thanks a lot for saying the things you said. I will read it again when I know a bit more about the reason it didn't work..
I really hope that is a time thing.

Good luck.


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