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-   -   Ask a triad - advice column (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=73863)

happytriad 03-25-2015 12:53 AM

Ask a triad - advice column
I am part of a FMF triad. It started as a V that moved to a triad. If anyone has questions for us on pretty much anything please ask away. We have learned a lot on what worked for us and what hasn't so I'd love to help others looking at starting this kind of configuration, are having trouble, or just want to spread some triad cheer :)

I am the wife in the triad but if you have questions for the GF or DH I can pass them along and get you and answer as well.

kdt26417 03-25-2015 01:45 AM

That's cool that you're starting this thread. I'm not in a triad (I'm in a V), but I know that many people dream of being in a triad.

happytriad 03-25-2015 02:14 AM

Thanks. We started as a V but evolved to a triad. We have had our ups and downs and I thought about starting this thread after reading about such bad experiences with them. I thought it might be a good place for those interested in learning what has worked for others. Of course what works for one doesn't work for all but if we could help those looking for advise we are glad to.

kdt26417 03-25-2015 02:18 AM

What's the first bit of advice you'd give a couple who was seeking a third to add to their marriage?

happytriad 03-25-2015 02:50 AM


Originally Posted by kdt26417 (Post 292674)
What's the first bit of advice you'd give a couple who was seeking a third to add to their marriage?

My first advice is to discuss between yourselves why you want a third. Is it for sex, is it for both of you to find someone compatible, are you looking for the same traits, are you looking for different traits, are you wanting something long term, something short term, would you like someone else to live with you, would you be open to starting relationships with each of you separately as a v then moving to a triad, the list can go on and on. The reason you both should discuss this is to know what you are willing and not willing to do. Maybe you though a triad was best but after discussion maybe another configuration would be better. Maybe swinging would suit your needs better. Also making a list of things you would like or not like can help you open the discussion with a potential match.

When you have done your homework and you have looked, etc and you find someone who you think might be a good fit. Now the real work begins. Everyone needs to sit down and talk. Lay it all out. EVERYONE should have a voice - most of all the person who is considering being with the two of you. Their opinion and needs should be valued as much as the person that you are currently with.

If you do decide to give it a try. Now even more real work begins. You can not expect her or him to fit into a tiny neat box. The new person will develop relationships with each of you at different rates. They might not form a romantic relationship with one of you at all. This might be disappointing but it doesn't have to be the end of the world. You might end up with a best friend who you can still hang out with, live with if you chose, etc. I will say that me and the GF were FWB for a long time before love developed. It happened much slower than her relationship with DH (but then again we started as a V with him in the middle) but over time and understanding that GF and DHs relationship was just as important and mine and DH, things worked out. We didn't really date as a triad before she moved in so me and GF had to do our dating stage while living together.

Magdlyn 03-25-2015 02:37 PM

happytriad, good idea for a thread.

Would you like to choose nicknames for your DH and GF? Just using those terms seems rather generic.

I'd like to add this article to the thread in case it attracts long term couples seeking to "add a third to their relationship."

So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter?


happytriad 03-25-2015 02:51 PM

Giving the nicknames is a good idea and hadn't thought of that. I'll do that. And yes that article is a good one.

kdt26417 03-25-2015 04:21 PM

What would you say to a couple that only wants to date as a couple? What about a couple that only wants to have sex (with their third) as a couple?

Magdlyn 03-25-2015 04:25 PM

Ugh, I just hate the term "their third," even used hypothetically. It sounds so possessive and patronizing of that member of the triad. The third sounds better than their third.

kdt26417 03-25-2015 05:44 PM

Well for the record, I don't like the term "third" either (let alone "their" third). What is that person, a number? Third place? Third in line? Nevertheless, it's such common terminology among unicorn hunters that I figured I'd speak their native lingo for purposes of this thread.

I suppose "the newer partner" would be more respectful.

The couple may think the newer partner belongs to them, so they're not just saying it. If the couple is coming from a monogamous paradigm, they may think the two of them belong to each other as well. Monogamous conditioning carries with it a lot of people belonging to each other.

Which is one of the reasons I'm skeptical about marriage as well.

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