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-   -   Privacy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10989)

Mohegan 06-15-2011 02:04 AM

So this seems to be the hot debate on several threads lately. Karma and I had a long talk about it the other night as well.

Can someone explain why privacy is such a huge issue? I'm an open book. I have nothing to hide. I have no issue with Karma reading my e-mail or messages, nor do I have issue with people doing a backround check on me. I also don't care if Karma discusses me with other partners, as long as he fills me in on what was said.

I feel like I have nothing to hide so why should it be an issue?

Random person reading my mail-okay that's an issue. But not those I love and care about.

I am hoping someone can explain it to me. I feel that if someone has an issue with privacy then they have something to hide.

May not be the case, but I have no experience outside of that...which is why I am asking. I want to understand the otherside of it.

SNeacail 06-15-2011 02:44 AM

I'm pretty back and forth on this issue.

Background checks don't really bother me, but maybe because growing up my dad had to get regular security clearances, which ment SERIOUS indepth, pretty invasive checks (including interviewing neighbors and friends). If you want to be a sports coach you have to be fingerprinted and have a background check done. I work in the finance industry and that requires a background check and fingerprints on file with the company and the goverment regulatory agency. The background checks the everyday person can do are so minor compared to what I have already gone through, it doesn't even phase me.

However, I don't like people using my computer, reading my e-mails or even seeing my favorites tab for websites. That just agitates me, don't touch my shit :rolleyes:. I have checked my husbands texts and e-mails on occassion, usually when the phone is beeping away and he is asleep (one or two I don't bother, 5+ I get worried it is urgent so I check). This is how I found evidence that he was getting ready to cheat and had been having an online affairs. I don't feel right looking at his stuff, it feels like snooping. I don't even like looking at my kids stuff, but that is my JOB as a parent.

idealist 06-15-2011 02:46 AM

my two cents
I so agree. I also do not feel that I have anything to hide. I am completely anonymous here, but if someone really wanted to find my blog on here, they could. I occasionally mention to people that I participate on this forum and as much as I might like someone to say "I found your blog and it's interesting".....no on has ever felt the need to find it (until my ex lesbian partner -I'm calling her Brenda now- came here and started boo-hooing about how I used her name....OMG!!)

I think some of it is about insecurity and some paranoia. Maybe fear. There is such a prevalent idea that if you are not living your life a specific certain "acceptable" way- then......what??? you'll be persecuted???? burned as a witch???? I don't really know!!!

And the interesting thing is that she has chosen a very simple life- with not much to lose. I get that..... but what good does it do if the fear of losing everything is still so overwhelming.

Interesting topic. When I start worrying about my privacy- I have to remind myself....."nobody cares!!!" they are too busy worrying about their own life!!!

Mohegan 06-15-2011 02:54 AM

Maybe that's it...being an Army brat (mom and dad) as well as working in childcare I was always getting checked, interviewed, whatever. So maybe it just became part of me, I have nothing to hide so go ahead and check al you want. Hmmm something to think about.

I've even told Karma if he ever feels the desire, he can read my journal. Now that's not something I would share with everyone, but my husband? Yeah, no reason not to. I share everything with him and there's nothing I would write there that I wouldn't share with him anyway.

And I can even see where constant snooping is an issue.

But on the otherside of it, there wouldn't be snooping if the permission were there.

Karma had huge issue with me even using his phone while Cricket was hidden from me. Now we have a "Hey I'm gonna read your mail" agreement. I don't snoop, but I don't ask permission either. I let him know I am doing it. Keeping the honest, honest?

I just don't get where the otherside comes from.

Karma 06-15-2011 03:17 AM

Even before Cricket came along, I had privacy issues. I think this comes primarily from the fact that I had NO privacy growing up - I wasn't allowed to lock or even close my bedroom door often, my mother would randomly pick up the upstairs phon ereciever when I was talking, ect. Now, I just don't like people getting into my private affairs and my stuff. It tooka long while for me to be comfortable with Mo reading my emails and using my phone even after I came clean with everything. Honestly it still bugs me at moments, but that is my problem, not hers - I don't have anything to hide from her, but it's a knee-jerk reaction. I still do my best to stay "off the grid" publically as much as I can, and the idea of a background search just pisses me off... unless you have a damn good reason, get the hell out of my past, it's none of your nosy business! I understand if I'm going to be watching your kids or something like that, but that's really the only time I'm OK with it. My prospective employer at a minimum wage crap-job does not need to know about my personal life.

Mohegan 06-15-2011 03:20 AM

But what about someone you are dating babe. You meet random chick on OKC and you know nothing about her other than what has been said over a computer. No desire to see if she is really who she says she is?

Maybe I'm too paranoid. But I'm not going to take some random persons word for it.

Karma 06-15-2011 05:38 AM

No, I'm not going to background check my prospective dating pool! :) Creepy much?

BlackUnicorn 06-15-2011 06:33 AM

I view privacy as a basic need that people have to differing degrees. I am a private person, and get irked if somebody uses my computer, phone or what not. But that has more to do with my past than with anything else.

I see privacy as a way to control how much of our inner thoughts and experiences are available and accessible to others. People in institutions come up with myriad ways to keep even the illusion of some privacy intact, which is why I think it has to be a basic need of some sort.

As to privacy in relationships? Some people are fine peeing with the bathroom door open, whereas others get uncomfortable even if somebody else does it, and would never do so themselves. Some people are obviously fine with their spice reading their e-mail/texts. I wouldn't be. I am curious as to why someone would feel the need to. Does it always come from past issues with trust and betrayal? You who do go through your spice's correspondance, why bother?

Mohegan 06-15-2011 06:53 AM


Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 86541)
Does it always come from past issues with trust and betrayal? You who do go through your spice's correspondance, why bother?

Good question.

For me, in some ways it most definitaly comes from past trust issues. But it also comes from the fact that I am a curious person who likes to have the WHOLE story with ALL the details. Karma doesn't. As I learned with some of the fights between Cricket and I, Karma fails at relaying what was really said or meant. I hadn't quite realised it until then.

Reading e-mails or IM's allows me to get the whole conversation, not just his take on it. Several times he's relayed something to me, and later reading the conversation, I realised how off base he was. But had I only taken what he said, I would have never caught it and never been able to say "Hey I think you took what they said the wrong way, I'm taking it this way..." and saved an argument.

As for the phone, I don't listen to his messages unless the phone has rang and rang and rang and I am worried that something is wrong. At that point I will see who called and listen to the message so that I can go wake him up or interupt his shower to tell him something important.

I did check calls when I was suspicious of the affairs and for a period after I found out. But anymore I really don't care and I trust him more.

I have an overall lack of trust in people until I get to know them. I've seen too many people hurt and been hurt to much myself to just jump into something without knowing who I am jumping into it with.

For the most part I will google someone, or check arrest histories. Nothing too major. Nothing that isn't easily accessed public knowledge. I'm not looking to find out how much they make or all about their family. I just wanna make sure I'm not going out with someone with a nasty, repetitive history.

Kommander 06-15-2011 08:48 AM

The main reason I became polyamorous is this: I am an adult, and I exclusively date other adults. Adults are able to make their own decisions, and run their lives as they see fit.

Invasion of privacy to me comes off as disrespectful and controlling; and as though I'm being treated like a child.

In general, I'm a fairly open person. If someone wants to know something about me, I'll probably tell them. If I don't, there's probably a reason for it and I'll explain what it is. If that explanation isn't enough, they can try to convince me. Doing it against my will, however, I can't tolerate.

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