Marriage, jealousy and new feelings..

dryad

New member
Hi all, I'm new to the forum but not to polyamory. I've been poly all my life but only started practising poly openly when I married my husband in 2008. He accepted it and while he's not poly, he was OK with the fact that I was. I met someone shortly after we married and had a relationship with him alongside the marriage. The only rule was, no sex - hubby and I agreed that sex would just be for us.

The relationship with Ben lasted about 6 months and then ended when I became pregnant (hubby and I had been trying for a baby). It ended peacefully and I was happy to practise a mono relationship with my husband.

Hubby later told me, since the birth of our son, that I wasn't happy about my relationship with Ben, that he just put up with it because he loved me, but that it tore him apart inside.

I hadn't realised this and felt awful about it but we talked and he accepted that it's just who I am. I said I'd try to 'change' and be mono, in order to save our marriage..

Well fast forward to now and I've met someone else. We'll call him Liam. I have fallen for him and he feels the same, but doesn't want a relationship with me. I'm not sure I even want a relationship with him but I really need to somehow express my feelings and love for him. I still love my husband and don't want to leave him. I want our marriage to work but he is not OK with how I feel about Liam. I told him last night and he was distraught. I don't know what to do. I'm not 100% happy in my marriage but I want to try and make it work. But I can't change how I feel. I can't become someone I'm not. I am in love with 2 people and there's nothing I can do about it!

Hubby keeps asking me what he can do to make me happy. I think the only thing he can do is accept that I am who I am and I am in love with 2 people. Like I said I don't think I want a relationship with Liam but I need to somehow be with him, on some level. We've been spending a lot of time together as friends and when we kissed yesterday it became clear to us both that there's more to it than friendship.

I'm so confused, I don't know what to do!
 
Your husband should accept who you are but his insecurities are clouding both your and his mind.

Is he afraid of sexual partners? Non-sexual partners? Or just not cool with you off with another man?

Have you told him how you feel? And how he's making you feel like a dirty ad guy for loving?
 
What he doesn't understand is how I can be in love with too people, and the fact that I love Liam doesn't mean I love hubby any less. I think that it's jealousy, and almost like I'm destroying the sacred bond of our marriage? He says he feels lost and confused and sad that he doesn't make me happy. But he DOES make me happy - I can't seem to get through to him that I can be in love with 2 people. I don't know why after all this time, he doesn't seem to understand. He seemed to understand it when we got married. But now, he's not OK with it. Maybe because he's got used to having me to himself?
I told him I'm not happy, because for a while I haven't been happy. But I think that's my issue (alcohol issues, illness etc) but he takes that to mean that I'm not happy with HIM.
 
Sometimes getting to Km's their paramours helps. Not saying it will for him but its worth a try. Why not the three of you go to coffee?

Maybe he just needs time to absorb.

Send him here! Do research together, watch shows on poly, read publications.
Maybe he jat needs the education!
 
I don't think he'd go for that - meeting Liam. He doesn't want to see him. He sees him as "the other man" even though it isn't that black and white. I will try and educate him but he's putting barriers up :( What do you mean by "Km's their paramours"?
 
Sorry that was auto correct. "Know"

Sometimes subtlety wins in the game of curiosity. I left a book in our bathroom magazine holder. He eventually got curious enough to read some of it.
 
I think he really wants an answer to his question "why aren't I enough for you?" But obviously it's not like that, it's not that black and white. How do you handle a question like that?
 
First, I have to correct myself, I meant metamor not paramor and we move on!

It's a natural progression. Just like there is 7 stages of grief, there are stages to working through this. Communication is key but I suggest giving him some time.

If you can maybe suggest to new guy that you need to chill til husband is on board, I know it sucks but by pushing him, u may lose him.
 
The thing that worries me is whether your husband knew about you being Poly before you married him? If you only told him after you married well that could really constitute a bait and switch. Now I know he said he accepted it, but it was admittedly a lie based on fear. Since you made the commitment to him and you have no other commitment at the moment, you have to make a choice between putting all halt on outside romantic attachments and see whether you could ever make your husband feel secure enough to accept Poly, you can accept your husband wants a mono marriage and live with that or you can end your marriage.

Whatever happens you can't have Liam right now and pursuing it would be quite selfish at this time.
 
Oh no! He knew before we were married! He knew as soon as we started seeing eachother, it was in fact how we got together! He was married and I had a relationship with him whilst he was married, his wife knew and was having a relationship with another guy, who she later married. (My hubby left his wife for me).
 
Welcome to the forum, doll.

Your husband will likely never understand how it is possible to love two people. It took him months or years to tell you that he was never really comfortable with the idea of you being having that relationship. I would suggest finding out why he is so uncomfortable with it. When one partner is polyamorous, it is almost expected to feel as if one is not enough and to wonder why that partner feels the need to seek anything else? Sometimes there is a silent threat. Whereas he was the only man in your life for a while and became accustomed to it, suddenly there is someone else. Your husband may feel threatened and like Liam is trying to take his place and become a step-dad to your child(ren). His feelings have a root cause.

I just saw your comment, so I had to edit this. Your husband left his wife for you. That is interesting and would explain a portion of the fear. He left his wife for you, so subconsciously he acknowledges that the very same could happen to him. You could leave him for someone else. Sometimes it is a cycle. Other times...it just plays out that way.

Your husband did something to make YOU happy, but he actually did not like it. He accepted it because he loved you. He probably never liked it, understood it, or even approved of it. He knew it was something you desired, so to keep the woman he loved and to keep her happy, he agreed to it. Notice that it took him years to tell you that he was never really okay with it to begin with it. He probably feared losing you, so he kept that to himself. Now he fears losing you to someone else. The problem with that is resentment has an entry. Did you tell your husband when you first met Liam, or did you wait until after the feelings had developed?

Are you doing things to make your husband feel special? Reminding him why you love him? Having date nights? Reminding him why you married him in the first place? Are you still doing the things it took to get him in beginning at this moment? When dealing with NRE (new relationship energy) or even just developing feelings for another person, people sometimes get complacent and shift all of their focus to that new relationship. They bank on the established one being solid and stable, and they forget to tend to that person's needs or the relationship's needs.
 
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Thank you. That makes sense. However, he is not step dad to my child, heis the father! We have a son together! Also he has a daughter from his first marriage who calls me mum.
 
Then I believe he's afraid you'll do the same.
He needs reassurement from you that you won't end up leaving him. He's going off past experience and he's also ignoring your needs. If he knew before and who you were then he's trying to suppress you and have you all to himself.

This is not good. If he continues to suppress you he may lose you anyway. Tell him that!
 
I would not advise him to suppress you, but you have to hear what he is saying and actually take it all in. Consider his feelings and needs. Ask him what he needs to be happy or at least comfortable. Compromise and communication. Are there any boundaries outside of the initial no sex thing with the guy from way back when?

My tragic flaw was not listening to my husband when he brought things to my attention and tuning out his needs. As a result, he had years worth of suppressed resentment, and we are in counselling now. He is the monogamous one in our marriage, and he does not understand my polyamorous nature, like it, or accept it. He is coping with it, but we are not out of the woods.

http://www.morethantwo.com (This is a very helpful website, and I believe it can help if you both read it.)
 
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And truth be told, he could actually see Poly as something that ruins marriages rather than strengthens them, based upon his own previous experiences. It could take a long time for him to accept Poly into your lives or he may never accept it and you have to be prepared for that also. Either way in a situation like this, it was never going to be easy.
And please back off from Liam, that will just complicate things far too much right now.
 
^agreed. Adding Liam to this situation does not offer husband the comfort of being givin time to work this out but actually stresses him more.
We all have to make sacrifices for the ones we love, Liam will have to be yours til you work it out. And by that I mean

TOGETHER!

Actively address your husband, make him feel more comfortable with the situation. Hurt puppies don't magically heal themselves, love.

And if it ever comes up that it cannot be resolved, don't believe it! It's poppycock. Everything can be resolved, you just need to work harder and see the whole picture, consequences ad all.
 
Hubby keeps asking me what he can do to make me happy. I think the only thing he can do is accept that I am who I am and I am in love with 2 people.

There you go. That is your need for the marriage to have full emotional intimacy between you. The need to be understood by your spouse, to be connected.
Is he willing to Open enough to hear your poly thoughts and feelings? Understand you fully, and not just part of you that are "easier" for him to deal with?

Are you willing to Close enough to be only his lover, and not see Liam to reciprocate and meet some of his needs for "exclusive?"

I don't know if any of my blog thread helps but starting on post 6 I was writing about mono-poly.

GG
 
I don't know if I can not see Liam - I value his friendship and it's what's been keeping me going! I'm willing to keep our relationship platonic, but I don't think I couldn't have him in my life.
 
I meant "not see him" like not have him as romantic partner/lover shape relationship. Friend shape relationship with him is fine. You can have all the friends you want and still maintain romantic/lover exclusivity with your spouse.

Could talk to your spouse about how you feel and what it is you need from spouse most.

GG
 
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