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-   -   breaking up properly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23912)

redpepper 05-23-2012 05:03 PM

breaking up properly
There seems to be a lot of people breaking up around me. I was dumped this last winter also. At the time it was unclear why, but now I understand that he was more interested in his new business, had nothing to talk to me about, found me boring at times and didn't like some of the ways I asked for me needs to be met (that I asked for my needs to be met was some sort of irritation it seemed).

A friend of mine just dumped his long term girlfriend because he didn't love her, she was controlling and manipulative and he found that the only way to get his needs met was to lie to her about what he was doing in his life. He wanted to take an honest path and that was the only way he knew how.

Yet another friend dumped his "girlfriend" yesterday. He decided to tell her it was to give her and her husband some well needed time together when really he said it was because they have different ideas about what relationships are about, different values within them. He didn't tell her that and so she is bargaining with him about what's okay in their relationship. Really he thought of it more like a friends with benefits thing and not a romantic situation.

I was wondering how you would like to be broken up with? What would you look for in a good break up? What does a break up say about a person? Usually people don't know about their partner's break ups, but in the poly community its more obvious, how does that make a difference when thinking of dating someone?

dingedheart 05-23-2012 05:59 PM

How about honesty or truth. Seems funny that these types of relationships demand open, (radically ) honest communication but the break ups not so much. It also seems backwards that people would start lying on the way out the door. I would think the demand for honest would be the same....during and ending.

In a good break up I'd look for the truth.

Depending on how the break ups happen it says a lot about ones character. Some people are gutless ...don't want to be seen as mean, etc, etc.

If you could see a long pattern of shitty break up you might want to weigh that going in otherwise it might be unfair to judge not having been in the relationship...easy to Monday morning quarterback.

CherryBlossomGirl 05-23-2012 06:31 PM

Breaking Up is Hard to Do.
My best breakup I ever had was with my fiance. We had already decided to end the relationship, and were living as room mates with the odd familiarity encounter during the final days of being together. The night before he moved out was our official "break up" night, and I will never forget it. We bought a bottle of wine to share, and sat on the couch, reminiscing about our relationship - the good things that we brought into each other's lives, how we grew as people when we were together, some of our favourite memories including us falling in love, some of the lessons that we learned by being together. We spoke of all the qualities that we loved in each other.

We didn't focus on the reasons that we were breaking up - those had already been gone over in the context of our relationship breaking down. We just focused on the ways that we had brought joy, happiness and change for the better into each other's lives. We were affectionate with each other - hand on a shoulder while talking, holding hands at some point, and I took off my ring with him touching me.

We drank wine, went in the hot tub and shared a lot of laughs and closeness. The amount of respect that we had for each other never diminished, and it felt like a very gentle ending to a very loving relationship. No drama, no tears shed aside from "Wow, this is powerful, and I'll always love you in my own way" kind of thing.

The worst/most anticlimactic breakups I've had were with people who weren't capable of bringing that kind of respect to the table, and were focused on why we didn't work. I don't find that super helpful or empowering in general - I prefer to take lessons that can change my life for the better, instead of reasons why two people don't belong together to be rehashed over.

I think that how someone chooses to break up with others does speak of someone's character and level of emotional maturity. People who aren't capable of treating another person with dignity and respect during a break up have emotional work to do - but I don't think that it would keep me from dating someone necessarily. Sometimes someone has to use the wrong muscles and hurt themselves before they learn how to do heavy lifting properly - I know that Sync learned a lot from her crappy break up style with us, and I think that it has changed her for the better in her own life, and that she'll approach the issue differently in the future. Sometimes we bring out the worst in each other as well, so I think that all parties have to accept some level of responsibility in a breakup gone awry, and find their own lessons to carry forward.

opalescent 05-23-2012 09:09 PM

It is hard! I'm with DH on this one.

Tact is lovely and appreciated but I prefer to know the truth, particularly if I am the one being dumped.

I finally had a deeper conversation about why he ended our sexual relationship with SW. (Yeah, I'm talking to him again. It's been good and I am really glad I took the space and distance.) He had told me that he was ultimately monogamous and knew I was not monogamous. This time around, he also said that the chemistry between us had faded. So while it is not fun to know this, on the other hand, I know NRE fades and sometimes so does the relationship. So I am much more at ease. I knew that the non-monogamy thing was not the only reason and now that he has filled in some of the blanks, honestly I feel better and find it easier to be platonic friends.

nycindie 05-23-2012 09:32 PM

I've always thought that a great break-up of a long-term relationship would involve deep, truthful conversation and one last time in the sack to celebrate what we had -- a send-off full of orgasms and good feelings.

I guess this would only work if the parties are realistic and honest about the relationship needing to end, and don't let it drag out long after it should have. I think it would be so much better to say farewell with truth, tenderness, and hot sex than to wait until everyone is miserable, hating each other, and totally turned off.

dingedheart 05-24-2012 12:03 AM

I actually had 2 girl ask for one last time...the first time I was stunned ...she said she wanted that to be her last memory. The second was more centered around the sex so their wasn't any crying or emotional scene ....just some long silence then "hey ...want to play one last time ...um ok" Since college I've only been dumped once ...(not counting my wife) but I couldn't imagine making such a request #1 remembering back I was too hurt and sad and #2 seems like such a long shot having it granted ...the whole guy thing about always wanting sex.

Tonberry 05-24-2012 01:54 AM

My ideal breakup would be a truthful conversation until I realise breaking up is the best thing for us, then breaking it off without hard feeling and resuming a friendship right away, supporting each other through the breakup as friends if need be.

mrspolyamorous 05-24-2012 12:07 PM

I'd just appreciate someone being true to their primary emotion. The feelings they have a majority of the time when it comes to me. If they feel mostly torn and unable to commit, they need to just go with that and tell me about it so I know what to do from there. If they feel head over heels for me, then go with that emotion so I know what to do from there. I try to be entirely honest with myself and with the people involved. I expect the honesty to go both ways.

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