seekingclarity
New member
Hey Poly People! This is my first post. Glad I found this place as I didn't know who to talk to about this...
So, after 14 years of marriage that ended in failure (NOT due to infidelity, but rather general incompatibility), I finally figured out monogamy is not for me. Strangely, I quickly found a woman I am super attracted to who has the same thought. We were like magnets when we met. Amazing. We are compatible on a number of levels (the way we eat, work out, keep house, etc. etc.).
We read the Ethical Slut together and are studying various other forms of alternative relationships. It's nice to know we're not alone. We have committed to being completely open and honest with each other and are working hard in that regard.
Here's the issue, though. I feel like she's more of a true poly. She wants an emotional connection with more than one person, even though she definitely wants a "primary" partner (that would be me!). For her, one night stands aren't really appealing. She wants vacations and overnights. She wants to feel a bond.
I, on the other hand, am more of a slut. Basic guy stuff here. I like the excitement of new sexual encounters, but have neither the need nor the desire to develop more than one serious emotional bond.
Obviously, this makes things hard for me, since most women in our society need an emotional bond before they'll have sex and tend to back away from me when I tell them I'm in a committed, open relationship and, while I'm not going to be a douche or anything, they shouldn't count on me for a lot of emotional support (BTW - need to find a place to connect with "sluts" in Minneapolis if anyone has some tips!).
Things are much easier for her. My new GF and I are both very attractive, fit people. So, she has a super easy time finding guys to shag, as most guys our age (mid 30s) are totally cool with her being in an open relationship and just giving her enough of an emotional connection that they can get laid. Hats off to them. For me, the type of women I'm attracted to are already used to guys hitting on them (repeatedly) and aren't really interested in someone unless they think they can get exclusivity. I find that the most attractive people are sometimes the most insecure...
Speaking of which, the problem is that I myself often feel jealous/envious that, not only is it "easier" for her than it is for me to find other playmates, she is developing emotional bonds and going on overnights and vacations with other guys, which causes me some anxiety. I wish she would be OK not needing that and just being able to shag. I'm not even saying she should avoid emotional bonds, just that I don't like the vacations and overnights. It causes me angst. And it's not the sex. In fact, thinking about her with other guys turns me on, a lot. It's the emotional connections and the fear that I don't want to lose this girl who seems pretty awesome for me on a lot of levels...
I guess that's my issue to deal with, right? Getting over the insecurity and being comfortable with the relationship and the fact that she'll always come back to me?
So, my question is this: can a slut and a true poly ever be compatible or will my slutty insecurities get the best of me and cause the demise of this seemingly great thing? Any and all comments appreciated!
So, after 14 years of marriage that ended in failure (NOT due to infidelity, but rather general incompatibility), I finally figured out monogamy is not for me. Strangely, I quickly found a woman I am super attracted to who has the same thought. We were like magnets when we met. Amazing. We are compatible on a number of levels (the way we eat, work out, keep house, etc. etc.).
We read the Ethical Slut together and are studying various other forms of alternative relationships. It's nice to know we're not alone. We have committed to being completely open and honest with each other and are working hard in that regard.
Here's the issue, though. I feel like she's more of a true poly. She wants an emotional connection with more than one person, even though she definitely wants a "primary" partner (that would be me!). For her, one night stands aren't really appealing. She wants vacations and overnights. She wants to feel a bond.
I, on the other hand, am more of a slut. Basic guy stuff here. I like the excitement of new sexual encounters, but have neither the need nor the desire to develop more than one serious emotional bond.
Obviously, this makes things hard for me, since most women in our society need an emotional bond before they'll have sex and tend to back away from me when I tell them I'm in a committed, open relationship and, while I'm not going to be a douche or anything, they shouldn't count on me for a lot of emotional support (BTW - need to find a place to connect with "sluts" in Minneapolis if anyone has some tips!).
Things are much easier for her. My new GF and I are both very attractive, fit people. So, she has a super easy time finding guys to shag, as most guys our age (mid 30s) are totally cool with her being in an open relationship and just giving her enough of an emotional connection that they can get laid. Hats off to them. For me, the type of women I'm attracted to are already used to guys hitting on them (repeatedly) and aren't really interested in someone unless they think they can get exclusivity. I find that the most attractive people are sometimes the most insecure...
Speaking of which, the problem is that I myself often feel jealous/envious that, not only is it "easier" for her than it is for me to find other playmates, she is developing emotional bonds and going on overnights and vacations with other guys, which causes me some anxiety. I wish she would be OK not needing that and just being able to shag. I'm not even saying she should avoid emotional bonds, just that I don't like the vacations and overnights. It causes me angst. And it's not the sex. In fact, thinking about her with other guys turns me on, a lot. It's the emotional connections and the fear that I don't want to lose this girl who seems pretty awesome for me on a lot of levels...
I guess that's my issue to deal with, right? Getting over the insecurity and being comfortable with the relationship and the fact that she'll always come back to me?
So, my question is this: can a slut and a true poly ever be compatible or will my slutty insecurities get the best of me and cause the demise of this seemingly great thing? Any and all comments appreciated!