Has anyone else had this trouble?

Fayerweather

New member
This is an issue that exists outside of Polyamory for me, but has begun raising it's head within my relationships.

My problem comes with being the one to leave. I often hang out with my bf and his other gf, but always when it's my time to stay at his apartment. She comes over for dinner and the three of us will spend hours talking and hanging out, then she goes home and I get to spend the night with him. I don't ever want to be the one that has to go home by myself.

The only time I was the one to leave, I came out to her birthday party, hung out for a while to wish her a happy one, then I left to go home, BUT, I was scheduled to head out to my other bf's house early the next morning. Somehow that took the edge off my feeling left out or abandoned.

She is lovely and kind and neither she nor my bf are aware of how tough this is for me and there is basically no issue with it outside of myself, but it nags at me. I feel as if this fear of dropping in and being the one to leave represents some sort of immaturity or deep seated fear I should probably face and get over. I'm sure the time will come when this situation arises and I don't want to be the freaked out party who causes an issue.

Does anyone else feel this way? How have you dealt with it? Thanks :)
 
Doesn't really sound like something I've heard before. Maybe talk to them about it before it ever comes to that point? That way, they could make it easier for you somehow? I don't see why you can't all stay though? If she comes over for dinner whenever you're over, why can she not stay? Maybe she doesn't like having to leave either?
 
I get the feeling even if I've never been in the situation... I don't know what to tell you but my gut thinks you need to talk to them about it and not keep it to yourself.
 
You should just tell them what you said here. Make it clear that it's your issue and you need to deal with it yourself, but that you thought they should know so they don't wonder what's going on. And then drop it. If they have something to say, they can say it, but it's not on them to fix it for you.
 
You could try to test your comfort zone and keep pushing the envelope by voluntarily putting yourself in situations (with them or with other friends) where you leave by yourself and let yourself feel whatever comes up. The more you do it, the less daunting it will be. Maybe you'll realize it doesn't have to feel shitty, but that you can enjoy your alone time after being with people you love. Maybe not wanting to leave has something to do with fears of loneliness, or the sense that you need to hold on real tight to the good feelings you have when you're with them, and you haven't yet realized that those good feelings can still stay with you even if your circumstances shift and you are walking home by yourself.
 
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You could try to test your comfort zone and keep pushing the envelope by voluntarily putting yourself in situations (with them or with other friends) where you leave by yourself and let yourself feel whatever comes up. The more you do it, the less daunting it will be. Maybe you'll realize it doesn't have to feel shitty, but that you can enjoy your alone time after being with people you love. Maybe not wanting to leave has something to do with fears of loneliness, or the sense that you need to hold on real tight to the good feelings you have when you're with them, and you haven't yet realized that those good feelings can still stay with you even if your circumstances shift and you are walking home by yourself.

Big +1 to this. Sounds like a brilliant idea.
 
Well for me it sometimes triggers old feelings related to "abandonment". It's one thing if I choose to leave. It's still within my power and control. It's another if I'm the one being left or asked to leave. This is an old emotional wounding for me, but it still crops up its ugly head every now and then.
 
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That sounds more complicated. Personally, I just talk about how I feel to make myself feel better. But I still get feelings of being alone and stuff. I think that just human nature. Try talking about it with them. See if it makes you feel better about it.
 
You could try to test your comfort zone and keep pushing the envelope by voluntarily putting yourself in situations (with them or with other friends) where you leave by yourself and let yourself feel whatever comes up. The more you do it, the less daunting it will be. Maybe you'll realize it doesn't have to feel shitty, but that you can enjoy your alone time after being with people you love. Maybe not wanting to leave has something to do with fears of loneliness, or the sense that you need to hold on real tight to the good feelings you have when you're with them, and you haven't yet realized that those good feelings can still stay with you even if your circumstances shift and you are walking home by yourself.

Thanks for the advise. This sounds like a good idea. Bite the bullet and just put myself into the uncomfortable feelings. That's always been the way I know I should handle emotional stuff, just sometimes I shy away from it because...well...it's uncomfortable. Thanks again :)
 
Thanks for the advise. This sounds like a good idea. Bite the bullet and just put myself into the uncomfortable feelings. That's always been the way I know I should handle emotional stuff, just sometimes I shy away from it because...well...it's uncomfortable. Thanks again :)
Glad to be of help. I also would like to add that the fears you have are not a sign of immaturity, nor something you should already be "over." They are simply your feelings. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge your strength and maturity for taking such a close look at your inner life and wanting to deal with the discomfort. Many people never get to that point, and they live their lives in a rather stagnant state. So, good for you!
 
You could try to test your comfort zone and keep pushing the envelope by voluntarily putting yourself in situations (with them or with other friends) where you leave by yourself and let yourself feel whatever comes up.

Great advice !!! :)

This is a good skill to develop in general for building self confidence and a different approach to life. It work for all kinds of things (fears).

+10

GS
 
Do you get some kind of satisfaction from when his GF leaves that being the one to leave makes you feel bad? I kind of perceive that the feelings you describe don't happen when leaving is of your own choice but would happen when being the one asked to leave - It could indicate you perceive being the one asking someone to leave as a position of power and being the one asked to leave as a position of powerless.
 
Do you get some kind of satisfaction from when his GF leaves that being the one to leave makes you feel bad? I kind of perceive that the feelings you describe don't happen when leaving is of your own choice but would happen when being the one asked to leave - It could indicate you perceive being the one asking someone to leave as a position of power and being the one asked to leave as a position of powerless.

The only satisfaction I get when she goes home is that I can now have my alone time with my BF. I would never put myself in the position to be asked to leave. That would be too much for me to handle.

This issue I think comes from childhood. I never wanted to go to bed while there were still grown ups awake talking because I never wanted to miss anything. When I've spent my day and a half or two days hanging and talking with my BF, then I can go off to work and spend the rest of my week as I normally would and his other GF comes back in while I'm gone (I live far away from both of them). It's leaving without spending the night, or leaving when the trip wasn't all about me and him having quality time that seems to be the issue. I need to also have something fun or productive to go home to (a household project, a dinner with friends etc) to ease the anxiety.
 
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