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-   -   Am I out of line? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22315)

Sugarbooger 03-16-2012 11:32 PM

Am I out of line?
Am I out of line thinking the following scenario is selfish?

I have worked all day since 5:30 am. I picked the kids up at day care and our daughter is sick with a fever. She just threw up all over the place and I called my spouse at work to ask him if he would reconsider having his sex time night with our lover and come home stopping by to get pedialyte on the way home.

He doesn't think that's fair. So he's asked our lover to go and get it. She's agreed to do, which I appreciate; however I feel slightly resentful that getting laid is more important than his family--not a reality necessarily, but how I feel. He got to fuck her earlier this week, and he's going out with her tomorrow to a comedy show, then all three of us are going to have some fun. Can't his dick wait, or am I just overreacting? It doesn't help I still have slight jealousy issues going on, so I wanted to run this all by you before opening my mouth.

Thanks everyone, I've really appreciated all the no BS honest feedback I've been getting. I'm new to all of this and this is such an amazing safe space to discuss these things. I'm hoping someone has experienced this and look forward to the strength, experience, and hope of others at this forum.

SNeacail 03-16-2012 11:40 PM

Is it possible (haven't read your other posts) that some of your jealousy issues stem from long standing issues between you and your husband not working together as true partners? Is this type of behavior typical for him? Have you always been the primary caretaker of the kid, house other things? Is this the first time you have asked/expected emergency help with the kid or did you always just handle things before?

Sugarbooger 03-16-2012 11:46 PM

it's a matter of perception
I honestly think I'm resentful because I've worked all day and am tired. He works second shift, so his plans would have involved him stopping by the pharmacy on the way home and coming home instead of going to our lover's house. Theoretically, we'd all be sleeping. That doesn't mean our little girl will sleep soundly, esp. while being sick. I was just put off by his quick "no" instead of wanting to come home to help. Sometimes I feel like the needs of his dick trump us. Deep down, that's not really true--it's a feeling so I'm going to keep this one to myself and chalk it off to my cloudy perception. I need a time out.

SNeacail 03-16-2012 11:57 PM

You didn't answer the questions. Your answers will make a difference in my opinion on the subject.

When my husband and I were NOT working as partners with regards to the kids and the house I would get extremely resentful. It wasn't because he had activities and meetings all the time, it that I felt like I couldn't count on him in an emergency. When we both made a concerted effort to really work as a team, things improved 200%.

I'm not sure keeping it to yourself is such a great idea. However, it can be a topic for discussion. What would have made him NOT give such a quick "no" response? Was there a better compromise that could have been worked out instead? It's not like your kid is sick and throwing up every day.

Sugarbooger 03-17-2012 12:15 AM


Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 129039)
Is it possible (haven't read your other posts) that some of your jealousy issues stem from long standing issues between you and your husband not working together as true partners? Is this type of behavior typical for him? Have you always been the primary caretaker of the kid, house other things? Is this the first time you have asked/expected emergency help with the kid or did you always just handle things before?

Sorry I didn't answer the questions. We've always worked pretty good as partners. Once we had kids, he was super obsessed with us having an even distribution of labor, which as we all know is not possible when parenting. Sometimes we do a little more than the other in one form or another. I did not mean to make that rhyme.

Anyway, we're both the primary caretaker most of the time. I recently acquired a new job, so the kids go to day care so he can get more sleep. We usually tag team parent since we work opposite shifts. I'm hoping he can get on 1st so we can, you know--operate as a family instead of two people married with kids that switch shifts. This isn't the first time I've asked for help, and he's generally really good about taking care of any of us. I really think it's just my knee jerk reaction. I'm grateful I had the sense to process this here instead of saying something mean, which is something I don't want to do.

MeeraReed 03-17-2012 12:54 AM

I think you're being too quick to dismiss your anger. A kid is sick and throwing up all over the place--yes, that means your husband comes straight home and skips his sex night.

If it had been YOUR sex night for you and your husband, wouldn't you two have had to skip the sex to stay up with the sick kid? Or been so tired/grossed out that you would have ended up not having sex, probably? So how is it fair that he got to do it with your girlfriend while you stayed home with the sick kid?

Plus, I can't imagine being a parent and NOT wanting to come home to help the spouse and comfort the sick kid. I would feel too guilty even to enjoy the sex night.

The good thing here is that your girlfriend sounds really great. She stepped up and seems to be taking a helpful role as a third partner. That's good!

Maybe the two of you (you and the girlfriend) could sit your husband down and tell him that sick kids come first, spouses needing help come second, and his dick comes third--or not at all. :)

Seriously, it's fine to take time to cool off your anger while not being tired, but it sounds like your husband acted like a jerk. It doesn't sound like a pattern or a severe problem, but it shouldn't happen again.

Arrowbound 03-17-2012 01:22 AM

I think you should voice your concerns about it to him. That would bother me too, particularly because I know I can always count on help from my partner when I ask, and if he didn't provide without an explanation I'd be annoyed. My lack of tolerance becomes even less when it comes to our son and it'd be nonexistent if he was sick.

ThatGirlInGray 03-17-2012 01:30 AM

I second what Meera and Arrowbound said. MC and I have two kids. TGIB has 3 kids with his ex. The kids come first unless ALL the adults involved are ok with whatever alternate arrangements have been made. Yes, it may suck sometimes and plans have had to change at the last minute, but that's why we're the grown-ups. We can have patience and wait if we need to.

drtalon 03-17-2012 02:12 AM

How often does he watch or care for the children? Does he drop them off at daycare on his way to work?

Sorry if these questions are too personal... It just seems strange to me that you two work different shifts but the kids are in day care. And that he seems so unconcerned that one of the kids is vomiting.

AnnabelMore 03-17-2012 02:49 AM

I don't necessarily agree with the other posters on this one. I do agree that a quick "no" would be off-putting -- why not take a minute to talk about it? -- and there are other nuances to consider in terms of who was in the right, but I'm going to go ahead play devil's advocate here.

I've read accounts on this board from newer partners who've felt like they had no safety or standing in their relationship because, among other things, their metamour would cancel their dates with their partner because of "emergencies" that could have been solved other ways (and indeed, he found another way to handle things, by having her help out with the medicine). In light of this, to keep from sabotaging your partner's other relationship(s), it seems like one should try never to ask to cancel dates at the last minute except for true emergencies.

So the question for me is, was this really an emergency where you needed his help right away and no other solution was acceptable? Or was it just a matter of your preference that he be home because you were stressed and it would have made things easier? If the latter, it would have been reasonable for him to cancel, say, plans to do some hobbyist activity, or even a planned night out with friends. But a date night with a partner has emotional significance to both parties that shouldn't be easily shunted aside.

Why, btw, are we calling it "sex time" and making this about his dick, rather than calling it a date and making it about their feelings, whether or not the intention was for the evening to consist partially, or even wholly, of sex? That seems sort of weirdly disrespectful. Am I misunderstanding the nature of the connection -- are there no emotions there?

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