Soul Searching

kboz2112

New member
Hi everyone. My wife has recently come to me about wanting an open marriage. She feels confined by traditional marriage, and wants to explore new sexual relationships.

Until she came to me with this a few months ago, I never in a million years would've thought about this. I just always pictured us living the monogamous life until the end of our days. To say that I am overwhelmed by doubt, concern, worry, fear, etc., would be an understatement. But I love my wife dearly, and I don't want to split up our family (we have two children, age 10 and 6).

I think I am willing to try letting her date other people. I just don't know how I am going to be able to handle the jealousy and insecurity. I can be emotional and overly sensitive. I guess I am kind of high maintenance emotionally. So I am scared that I will just be crushed any time she is out with someone.

She hasn't started dating anyone yet, but I think she has been talking a guy that lives in our city recently. So I fear I am going to have to decide sooner rather than later if I can handle all of this.

I came to this site hoping to find similar people who have entered an open marriage reluctantly. If I can find anything about how to handle jealousy and insecurity I think it would be very helpful.

Anyway, that's my basic story. I look forward to meeting and talking to many great new people!

Thanks :)
 
Hello Kboz,
Welcome to our forum.

I would recommend lots of reading and posting on this site. Note that you can do searches and tag searches as well. All of these things will help make polyamory more familiar ground to you, which will lessen the fear factor.

As for tackling jealousy and insecurity, I have a few links you can follow:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

Only time will tell if this is something you can handle. It's great that you're willing to give it a try.

Hope you enjoy your stay amongst us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If both partners are not willing to go there with open hearts and clear desire to go there... don't go there. Def do not go there if you are running away from something you do not want. (ex: afraid to lose partner). Only go there if you are running TOWARD something you actually want.

If both partners are willing but not yet fit to go there (in self esteem, communication skills, conflict resolution skills, time management skills, emotional management skills and a whole host of other "EQ" skill.... don't go there YET. Educate, learn, strengthen first.

http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

My wife has recently come to me about wanting an open marriage. She feels confined by traditional marriage, and wants to explore new sexual relationships. Until she came to me with this a few months ago, I never in a million years would've thought about this. She hasn't started dating anyone yet, but I think she has been talking a guy that lives in our city recently. So I fear I am going to have to decide sooner rather than later if I can handle all of this.

I am bothered your wife springs this on you this way with this speed. Since when does a spouse get to make unilateral decision for the couple?

Was she letting you know all along with clear communication that the marriage was not fitting her well? Was she articulating? Were you listening? Is the marriage good on communication skills? If it is weak in that when there's only 2 players? Opening up will only magnify that weakness where there is more than 2.

Was she planning on any time to prepare you BOTH for this change or just figuring it's "Ask if I can and then let spouse deal with emotional management on their own?"

Avoid the Pitfalls

14 steps to Opening Monogamous Marriage

Have you been presented with what type open model relationship she most wants? What about a model you could best deal with? Where is coming to compromise on that?

If she's not taking you into consideration now at the starting gate? When does she then? It's not like plunging ahead without thinking about how you feel on the journey is going to make you feel EXCITED and WILLING to open up and embrace change is it? Will she also be joining the forum?

But the bottom line is -- if YOU are wired monoamorous and monogamous configurations and do not wish to share your wife in a polyamorous and polygamous configuration with several partners -- DO NOT GO THERE.

It's cleaner to break it up and be friends and co-parents. Then you are each free to seek a romantic partner that fits your needs/style rather than trying to make the other be something you are not.

There is nothing wrong with monoamory or monogamy. Everyone has the right to be how they wish in their romances. Do not compromise a core value if it is a core value for you.

Galagirl
 
Thanks GalaGirl. You raise a lot of great questions. It's a very long story that I don't have much time to get into, but my wife hasn't really been able to explain what she wants yet. Just that she wants to "explore" other relationships. She's feeling restless and confined. The other night, she said something to the effect of "I guess this is the point where a lot of people just have an affair and then get divorced."

We've had some issues in the past, and we are working on those. But I don't know if those issues have contributed to her desire to "explore" or not. We try to communicate, we want to communicate, but I think we both struggle with it still.

We are starting up with a "kink aware" marriage counselor on Monday. So hopefully we will get some guidance in open communication and trust building.

As for what I want... I would've been happy staying in a mono marriage the rest of my life, but I'd be lying if I said the idea of exploring new relationships didn't intrigue me on some level. So maybe I do have some poly in me? LOL... It's just hard to tell yet because all of this is still so new to me, and I do have jealousy and insecurity issues that I will have to learn to deal with.

As I picture us moving forward, I still can't picture separating over this. I still believe in Us, and I believe that she still loves me to the level that she can.

It's funny in a way, because of the two of us, I am the extrovert social person. I have lots of great friendships that move me very deeply. They just aren't sexual. My wife is more of a home body, introverted, and in the past has had trouble expressing love to me the way I desire it. So the fact that SHE is the one that wants new relationships was very surprising to me.
 
It's funny in a way, because of the two of us, I am the extrovert social person. I have lots of great friendships that move me very deeply. They just aren't sexual. My wife is more of a home body, introverted, and in the past has had trouble expressing love to me the way I desire it. So the fact that SHE is the one that wants new relationships was very surprising to me.

I've been involved in a number of conversations here about introversion and polyamory and the more I think about it the more that it doesn't surprise me that people like your wife (and me) are drawn to polyamory as a concept.

As an INTJ, I don't want to interact socially with people on any casual type of level. For me, if I am going to let myself get close to someone - then that means that I am going to open myself up all the way. This limits the number of people in my life - which is the way that I like it. However, it also means that we introverts may look to a very few people - spouse, best friend - to fulfill ALL of our social interaction needs that extroverts can utilize their vast array of friends, acquaintances, co-workers etc. to fulfill.

This may also address the common question of "Why am I not enough?" - It's not that one person isn't enough "as a spouse/partner", it's that no one person can possibly be expected to fulfill ALL of the roles - spouse, best friends, close friend, casual friends, hobby-sharers, family etc. that extroverts spread over MANY people and introverts may limit to just a few. Polyamory lets us (me) spread those roles across two or more often complementary people - having different relationship skills and interests - WITHOUT having to let "casual" people into our (my) closely guarded "inner circle".

Thing is - IF I am going to let someone get that close to me, THEN there is a good chance that I will love them and want to share everything (including sex) with them too. I also have trouble expressing love and affection and sex is often a short-cut to intimacy (not saying that it is healthy - just something that I have observed in myself). SOOOO much easier than that whole difficult "talking to people" thing...:eek:

Don't know that there was anything particularly useful there, or if your wife's introvert tendencies match my own - just some thoughts I had upon reading your post.

JaneQ
 
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It's funny in a way, because of the two of us, I am the extrovert social person. I have lots of great friendships that move me very deeply. They just aren't sexual. My wife is more of a home body, introverted, and in the past has had trouble expressing love to me the way I desire it. So the fact that SHE is the one that wants new relationships was very surprising to me.

Why a surprise? If you were feeling like she had trouble expressing love to you in the way your desire it? Why can't she feel you are not expressing love to her in the way SHE desires it?

If you guys want to be together -- gotta address this bit:

We try to communicate, we want to communicate, but I think we both struggle with it still.

So much depends on communication. Also the bit about...

my wife hasn't really been able to explain what she wants yet. Just that she wants to "explore" other relationships. She's feeling restless and confined.

What makes her think she won't struggle to communicate with a new person?

The other night, she said something to the effect of "I guess this is the point where a lot of people just have an affair and then get divorced."

Skip the affair. Have the divorce then if this relationship is not repairable or you have come to the end of the romance. CLEAN. So you have a chance at being good exes and friends without the emotional mess of an affair driving a wedge in there making co-parenting life hard.

It leads me to wonder if you guys are doing ok for emotional intimacy. Is that component strong?

I do not actually expect you to answer me. Just trying to give you some questions and talking points that could perhaps help when you talk to your wife.

Hang in there. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with on your plate right now.

GG
 
Why a surprise? If you were feeling like she had trouble expressing love to you in the way your desire it? Why can't she feel you are not expressing love to her in the way SHE desires it?

If you guys want to be together -- gotta address this bit:



So much depends on communication. Also the bit about...



What makes her think she won't struggle to communicate with a new person?



Skip the affair. Have the divorce then if this relationship is not repairable or you have come to the end of the romance. CLEAN. So you have a chance at being good exes and friends without the emotional mess of an affair driving a wedge in there making co-parenting life hard.

It leads me to wonder if you guys are doing ok for emotional intimacy. Is that component strong?

I do not actually expect you to answer me. Just trying to give you some questions and talking points that could perhaps help when you talk to your wife.

Hang in there. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with on your plate right now.

GG
I am really emotional right now, so what I type might not come out very clearly...

I have always wanted more intimacy than she has given me. I have a higher sex drive, and I am much more touchy feely than she is. So, no, our history is not the best when it comes to intimacy. There are several extenuating circumstances, but that's a short history.

The odd thing is that since we've been talking about this, we have actually been more intimate. I have been working on some of my issues, and she has been more attentive to me.
 
So, here's a question for any/all of you...

Tonight I basically agreed to let her start dating. And I proposed we follow the outline provided here: http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/14_steps_to_opening_a_relationship.pdf


She said she really liked most of the ideas, and thanked me for being so open minded. But she quibbled with one of the suggestions -- the part about us meeting all together. She said it would be too awkward and she couldn't handle it.

So I said that I understood, but that I still wanted the opportunity to meet them. I feel pretty strongly about being able to look them in the eye, get a sense for their personality, see what their motivations are. I told her that they would have to know in no uncertain terms that I will always come first in the grand scheme, and I think it would help me accept it if I could see that they understood that. If they are serious about being a secondary in an open relationship, they should be more than willing to oblige me.

To that she said she would rather choose not dating then. She wouldn't be comfortable with that aspect of it because she thinks I just want to get into some big pissing match with the other guy because I really don't want her to do this.

But as I said, I feel pretty strongly about this. I mean, I am trusting her to go out and date and have sex with other guys. Shouldn't she trust me enough to let me meet the person once? Am I asking too much? I really don't think I am, but I wanted to see what others thought.
 
I don't think it sounds unreasonable at all and many poly couples have similar boundaries. If meeting her potentials before she is to venture past a certain point is a boundary for you, and she needs to respect that in order for you to feel comfortable with her having outside relationships. If that is a hard boundary for her and she would rather not date at all, then to stay in a relationship where you feel comfortable, I guess it is more important to her not to have you meet guys than it is to date them.

She may have a point about believing you have a hidden intention to get into a penis measuring contest, but it is my opinion that she should at least give you the benefit of the doubt once or twice before just assuming. It isn't fair not giving you a chance to prove you can do this maturely and that you have no hidden intentions. I don't know you well enough to know if this is the type of thing you would do or not. If you convince her to let you meet her potentials, then it will be up to you to make sure to treat them with respect and put her fears to rest.
 
Hi and welcome,

Referring to post # 5 ...communication skills and past issues do " you" think you had a happy marriage.

The reason I ask is ...poly never fixed a bad or suffering marriage.

And if you had problems and issues arising from poor communication .....this definitely not a good sign. One could argue this is the land of over communication.

Are you involved in kink? Or is poly lumped in with other alternative lifestyles?

How " out" of the closet was she planning to be.
 
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I have always wanted more intimacy than she has given me. I have a higher sex drive, and I am much more touchy feely than she is. So, no, our history is not the best when it comes to intimacy. There are several extenuating circumstances, but that's a short history.

The odd thing is that since we've been talking about this, we have actually been more intimate. I have been working on some of my issues, and she has been more attentive to me

Let me clarify -- EMOTIONAL intimacy. I was not talking about the body intimacy of sex or the mental intimacy of thoughts and ideas shared. Or spiritual intimacy of laying one's soul bare to another. I meant emotional intimacy.

With the communication issues you guys have? I was wondering how you can possibly create safe emotional space to enjoy emotional intimacy with each other and sharing of FEELINGS. Can you and do you go to your spouse for Shared Vulnerable? Can /does she come to you?

If you open, poly brings on a bunch of feelings and emotional management is going to be a big factor. If you don't even communicate well now in monoship, how will that fly in polyship?

It is not odd to me that you may find yourselves more body intimate with touching/sex (that's what I infer) since you've been talking more heart-to-heart. Sex can be an expression of sex all by itself. Just the body bucket. But sex can also be a high expression of love -- in the heart bucket.

For myself? I'm not up for casual sex. However when mind intimacy and heart intimacy happens? Body isn't too far behind! ;)

So I said that I understood, but that I still wanted the opportunity to meet them. I feel pretty strongly about being able to look them in the eye, get a sense for their personality, see what their motivations are. I told her that they would have to know in no uncertain terms that I will always come first in the grand scheme, and I think it would help me accept it if I could see that they understood that. If they are serious about being a secondary in an open relationship, they should be more than willing to oblige me.

So it sounds like you would want a primary-secondary style model of open relationship. Is this what she wants?

Then later -- is this what the dating partner would want? How does she plan to ask the dating partner what they want?

To that she said she would rather choose not dating then. She wouldn't be comfortable with that aspect of it because she thinks I just want to get into some big pissing match with the other guy because I really don't want her to do this.

If this is a dealbreaker limit for you "Date, but I have to meet them" and she would rather CLOSE than open. Close then.

It is not the time. Go back to education and introspection to see WHY she cannot meet this reasonable request.

Is she PROJECTING her insecure/fear stuff at you? Is that why? She worries she can't handle poly well?

Or is this her REFLECTING past experience at you? Because in the past you have not created safe emotional space for her to share emotional talk in?

What insecure is that speaking to?

  • Insecure that you won't agree to Open? (And you do not have to agree. You could prefer to break up if you cannot come to compromise. Then she can pursue polyshipping on her own. Everyone is in charge of their OWN behavior. Everyone is adult.)
  • Insecure that she wants to be Open but doesn't have the personal skills to do it WELL? (What skills? Emotional articulation? Conflict resolution? Jealousy management?)
  • Insecure that she is going to be judged by you? Fearful of dealing with jealousy issues?
  • Insecure that she is ..... (something I cannot guess at? What could it be?)

But as I said, I feel pretty strongly about this. I mean, I am trusting her to go out and date and have sex with other guys. Shouldn't she trust me enough to let me meet the person once? Am I asking too much? I really don't think I am, but I wanted to see what others thought.

Speaking as a married who is talking about Opening? I expect to bring my dating partner round the house to meet DH. I would expect him to do same. I am entrusting the care and well being of my partner to a stranger. Well, I want them to NOT be a a stranger! Work on building trust has to happen. I can't trust someone I don't meet, know, or spend some time with. I don't have to be their best friend or shopping buddy, but I do want to put face to name and get a sense of the person. So I can try to be a polite metamour and be in a harmonious polyship here.

If they end up smothering my DH with a pillow I want to be able to call the cops and jail their sorry selves! I exaggerate to make a point.

Parents do this for their children when they start to date. Not that the spouse is your mommy or your daddy. When I was a single woman I would have a friend check out my dates and leave "in case of emergency" info somewhere with someone. Nobody wants to be a hermit. Neither do you want to turn up missing and nobody know what happened!

How is general concern over your wife's well being and the company she keeps a horrible thing? I am not hearing you saying "NO." I am hearing you saying "Go slow, go easy on me, go safe."

Baffling. :confused:

Galagirl
 
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Hi and welcome,

Referring to post # 5 ...communication skills and past issues do " you" think you had a happy marriage.

The reason I ask is ...poly never fixed a bad or suffering marriage.

And if you had problems and issues arising from poor communication .....this definitely not a good sign. One could argue this is the land of over communication.

Are you involved in kink? Or is poly lumped in with other alternative lifestyles?

How " out" of the closet was she planning to be.
We've had our ups and downs, but for the most part I would say I was/am happy with our marriage.

No active involvment in kink. But when she first brought up the Poly desires, she also said she had submissive urges. So not only was I dealing with everything that comes along with opening the marriage, I was also struggling with what being submissive meant. She talked with a Dom for a couple months... I guess he was mentoring her, she never told me everything that was going on... but the last two or three weeks, she hasn't talked to him at all. She indicated that she realized the BDSM scene wasn't for her, but that she still felt a need to explore other relationships.

I don't think she is planning on telling anyone other than a couple of her closest friends. One of whom is also Poly, and is probably the main reason my wife decided it was what she needed too.
 
Let me clarify -- EMOTIONAL intimacy. I was not talking about the body intimacy of sex or the mental intimacy of thoughts and ideas shared. Or spiritual intimacy of laying one's soul bare to another. I meant emotional intimacy.

With the communication issues you guys have? I was wondering how you can possibly create safe emotional space to enjoy emotional intimacy with each other and sharing of FEELINGS. Can you and do you go to your spouse for Shared Vulnerable? Can /does she come to you?
Based on your description, I think we both suck at emotional intimacy. I substitute sex for feelings of adequacy and emotional bonding. Always have. And my wife is simply not good at expressing her emotions. She is not very demonstrative, and keeps a lot of things to herself. I feel like I have had to pull teeth to get her just to talk to me about what is going on in her head and heart with regards to any of this stuff.

If you open, poly brings on a bunch of feelings and emotional management is going to be a big factor. If you don't even communicate well now in monoship, how will that fly in polyship?
Not well. We start marriage counseling tomorrow to help us with this very thing, hopefully.

So it sounds like you would want a primary-secondary style model of open relationship. Is this what she wants?
Yes, we didn't have a label for it, but this is what we've been discussing.



If this is a dealbreaker limit for you "Date, but I have to meet them" and she would rather CLOSE than open. Close then.
I am not sure it is an absolute deal breaker. If there is some other way I can be assured that he isn't a total douchebag, that he has decency within him, that he intends no harm to my wife or my marriage and that he has no qualms about being a secondary in a Poly arrangement, then yeah, I don't need to meet him. If I am not satisfied with any other arrangements though and she decides to close everything, I will feel guilty, and worry that she is going to resent me forever.

It is not the time. Go back to education and introspection to see WHY she cannot meet this reasonable request.

Is she PROJECTING her insecure/fear stuff at you? Is that why? She worries she can't handle poly well?

Or is this her REFLECTING past experience at you? Because in the past you have not created safe emotional space for her to share emotional talk in?
Honestly, it is probably both. I have had depression in the past, and am overly sensitive sometimes. So that could contribute to it.



What insecure is that speaking to?

  • Insecure that you won't agree to Open? (And you do not have to agree. You could prefer to break up if you cannot come to compromise. Then she can pursue polyshipping on her own. Everyone is in charge of their OWN behavior. Everyone is adult.)
  • Insecure that she wants to be Open but doesn't have the personal skills to do it WELL? (What skills? Emotional articulation? Conflict resolution? Jealousy management?)
  • Insecure that she is going to be judged by you? Fearful of dealing with jealousy issues?
  • Insecure that she is ..... (something I cannot guess at? What could it be?)
I pretty much agreed to let her date last night. That was right before we got into it over me having a meeting with her potentials. But, I think it is a combination of all of those factors to varying degrees.


Speaking as a married who is talking about Opening? I expect to bring my dating partner round the house to meet DH. I would expect him to do same. I am entrusting the care and well being of my partner to a stranger. Well, I want them to NOT be a a stranger! Work on building trust has to happen. I can trust someone I don't meet, know, or spend some time with. I don't have to be their best friend or shopping buddy, but I do want to put face to name and get a sense of the person. So I can try to be a polite metamour and be in a harmonious polyship here.
This is exactly where I am coming from as well!

How is general concern over your wife's well being and the company she keeps a horrible thing? I am not hearing you saying "NO." I am hearing you saying "Go slow, go easy on me, go safe."
Wow, you already hear me better than my wife! ;) (I kid... sort of).


Gala, I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to help me through some of my thoughts and feelings on this. You are too awesome!
 
Most welcome.

You sound like nice people -- just perhaps not yet sure people? That doesn't have to be a bad thing. Being in a Time of Discernment isn't horrible. It's where you figure stuff out.
If I am not satisfied with any other arrangements though and she decides to close everything, I will feel guilty, and worry that she is going to resent me forever.

You might feel bad that you have to tell her "no, not like that." You can even say that.

"I'm sorry. I feel bad I have to tell you this but NO. I do not feel emotionally safe that way. I would not be free of worry if I don't have some assurance you aren't off with a weird stranger. I care for your well being.

So my idea so that you can meet the need for you to date and so I can meet the need for me to feel safe about your dating is for me to meet the person you date.

What is your idea to get both our needs met? To close. I am ok either way and you don't like my idea so we pick yours. You cannot resent me for that being the thing chosen when you do not put forth a better solution to meet both needs. "

You are responsible for your own and your partner's well being -- in mental health, emotional health, physical health and spiritual health. Saying "yes" to conditions where you feel mentally unsafe, emotionally unsafe, physically unsafe or spiritually unsafe for you is careless. Why hit your own head with a frying pan?

All she has to do is a) work on meeting the requirement for your suggestion and she gets to date like she wants , or b) propose some other acceptable to both solution that meets the needs for both.

It is not a crazy thing to ask. A call, an email, a face-to-face meeting... something to help reassure the spouse a bit? How is that evil? It isn't.

If her proposed solution does not ACTUALLY meet her need and she feels resentful of that being the choice chosen?

It's on her to own her resentment. She can't fling her yucky feelings at you. Because she did not meet her OWN need. She has to own her OWN emotional management and not expect you to own it for her or mind reader her.

Slow things down. Talk this stuff out. There is NOTHING wrong with taking your time to educate selves and grow stronger skills.

Going in under-prepared? That's not exactly UPPING the odds of successful polyshipping.

You guys have started with the initial ID of weak points in the monoship -- communication skills, emotional articulation skills, sorting out what kind of open relationship model you would like. But it's just the start.

You are going to a counselor -- perhaps a talk with counselor can help ID other places that could be strengthened before major life changes are made?

Hang in there.

GG
 
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kboz, I think I understand where you're coming from. When I got into a poly relationship (we didn't know what it was called, we just did it) it was an opportunity to communicate with a woman directly and frankly in ways I never had before. Yes, jealousy is an issue and even when you say you're comfortable with her and another person, it's still there a little. Takes a lot of work and a lot of tears, too, but it's worth it when you come out of the woods on the other side, if you can.

I was in one relationship where I knew the other guy, and one where I didn't. It worked both times. I don't think it's that important. I suggest you let her establish a relationship, taking her word that she's safe, and ask to meet him later. I personally don't think laying a ground rule as a non-negotiable demand is a good way to do it. I prefer that tack that you can't and shouldn't control someone's behavior, just let them know what you want and what you may do if they do something you can't accept. That makes them a whole, separate human being with choices. I don't think you'll regret it if you do it that way.
 
I commend you for considering opening up your marriage at your wife's request. It speaks volumes about your open-mindedness and willingness to see your wife happy. However, it should not be done at your expense! There is a lot of work and talking to do between the moment someone in a couple says "I want to open up our marriage" and the marriage actually becoming open. This is something that definitely should not be rushed. Some couples take a year or more of communicating and resolving issues before either of them ever actually has a date with anyone new.

If she wants additional relationships to add quality to her life and enhance her relationship with you, then it would behoove her to wait until so many, many things are discussed before she pursues/dates/has sex with anybody! One person announcing what they want, the other going to a website for a list of do's and don'ts, and a few therapy sessions is not enough preparation. There can be many many baby steps to take, you don't have to jump in right away just because she wants it. Wait until after the foundation of your marriage is solidified further and communication improved. You will both be grateful that you didn't rush headlong into a mess that you'll have to clean up later.

There is so much to read and learn before you make this fundamental change to the dynamic of your marriage. I suggest you both read Opening Up by Tristan Taormino; in fact, read it together. Go over the points the author discusses and use her lists for figuring out how you two will incorporate ethical non-monogamy into your lives.
 
I commend you for considering opening up your marriage at your wife's request. It speaks volumes about your open-mindedness and willingness to see your wife happy. However, it should not be done at your expense! There is a lot of work and talking to do between the moment someone in a couple says "I want to open up our marriage" and the marriage actually becoming open. This is something that definitely should not be rushed. Some couples take a year or more of communicating and resolving issues before either of them ever actually has a date with anyone new.

If she wants additional relationships to add quality to her life and enhance her relationship with you, then it would behoove her to wait until so many, many things are discussed before she pursues/dates/has sex with anybody! One person announcing what they want, the other going to a website for a list of do's and don'ts, and a few therapy sessions is not enough preparation. There can be many many baby steps to take, you don't have to jump in right away just because she wants it. Wait until after the foundation of your marriage is solidified further and communication improved. You will both be grateful that you didn't rush headlong into a mess that you'll have to clean up later.

There is so much to read and learn before you make this fundamental change to the dynamic of your marriage. I suggest you both read Opening Up by Tristan Taormino; in fact, read it together. Go over the points the author discusses and use her lists for figuring out how you two will incorporate ethical non-monogamy into your lives.
Thank you for you thoughtful post. I just got done looking at Opening Up on Amazon, and suggested your idea to my wife. We will probably order a copy :)
 
We've had our ups and downs, but for the most part I would say I was/am happy with our marriage.

Ok... have you asked her that question?


Has she had emotional affairs online? Ones that have come to light now?


You might want to throw Gary Chapmans book on the pile ...Love Languages. I think you can find the exact title in the recommended reading list. It's a quick read and it might help the 2 of you see how disconnected you were and how to connect better. All unrelated to poly but worth the read.


"Doesn't plan on telling" ....What about all the what If's .....the list is long aqnd has she given any thought to that? Have you? ....just another way of saying what cindie already mentioned. Rushing can cause a mess you cant clean up or you'll just lose interest in cleaning up.
 
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