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-   -   New to Poly and after some suggestions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10319)

Heavenzdesire 05-26-2011 11:39 AM

New to Poly and after some suggestions
I'm a young married Bi chic, I have recently ended up in a Poly relationship, one of those things that just happened I guess. I love my husband and I love my new girlfriend and I love the fact that they have a sucessful relationship together however I can't help feeling left out...

I realise it is just silly and that my new girlfriend has never been with a girl before so she's nervous and I'm not a supermodel or anything but I'm not sure how to deal with these emotions. Any suggestions?

Thanks in advance.

redpepper 05-26-2011 02:41 PM

Well, like I suggest quite often on here, and as this kind of triad arrangement seems to go south pretty fast.... become a vee dynamic and get your own girlfriend.

Triads seem to be the hardest configuration in poly relationships. The dynamic is set up so that there seems to be a third wheel most of the time. There is no reason to stay in that if one person is feeling left out. If they are more into each other then let them be and don't be involved any more. Sometimes people in their NRE think that it would be hot and sexy to be three and it can be fun to be that for awhile, but it seems that at some point there is a natural break and its time to change and rearrange things... so go with it and do it. There is nothing wrong with that and it doesn't mean that you are any less loved or cared about. It just means that the dynamic in terms of "partners" is not working any more.

So why not create a beautiful metamour relationship and find your self some one that you can create a girlfriend relationship with... I know, sounds so simple and it would be great to just wave a wand and all the emotions to just disappear... just think on it and keep it in mind, I find it so hard to listen to people struggling to hold on when really, letting go would keep them from the pain and torment of situations such as yours.

Derbylicious 05-26-2011 04:24 PM

Just one thing to add since this seems to be pretty new, are all of you having one on one dates with each other? Or is it always the 3 of you together? Relationships can develop differently and at different speeds. It can be hard to not compare the differences between your relationship with her and your husband's relationship with her. But since you are different people the relationship will be different. Enjoy what you have with her (even if it does end up being a metamour relationship) and allow it to blossom into whatever kind of relationship it is destined to be.

CautiousLoops 05-26-2011 04:40 PM

I know I am new to this but my suggestion as well would be to find someone that you can be dating/seeing. I know that for me having my bf have someone and me be reliant on that person as well would probably prove difficult as you cannot always spend all that time together, they are going to want that alone time as well. You will be able to have someone to spend your time with while your bf does as well.

ATM I have interest in someone as does my partner and when that time comes we will pursue those people separately.

Heavenzdesire 05-27-2011 08:51 AM

ATM Google (girlfriend) & Drew (husband) relationship is developing well, my relationship with Google is alot slower progression. We have dates together & separately but I've been working while they have had time off so they have spent more time together. I never thought of getting my own girlfriend really because I have feelings for google. But if google & I don't work out that's an option I never thought off. I feel a little better, I just have to stay calm I guess & work through how I feel & why.

Heavenzdesire 06-14-2011 07:09 AM

Trying hard to stay calm but Google has broken up with us, the pressure from her family was too much for her. Her sister has even set her up on dates. I feel crushed... Any suggestions how to deal with "break ups?"

justinthyme1954 06-19-2011 06:32 AM

Grief Comes in Many Ways
Sorry to here about the loss of Goggle. Sounds like things were working themselves out and now there is a void. No matter the amount of time you had together, it still hurts. Wishing you well in this difficult time.

Breathesgirl 06-19-2011 10:11 AM

Hello and welcome.

You deal with a poly breakup in a very similar way to a mono breakup only you have someone there to commiserate with, support and be supported by rather than wallowing in that pit all by yourself.

You go forward, each and every day, you do your hobbies, spend time with hubby and other friends and family, you grieve, you move forward. Eventually the pain will lessen and you'll be able to think of her without the tears and pain.

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