three point summary of an open relationship

redpepper

Active member
This three point summary is from the link below... thoughts?

Path toward better open relationships. The three-point summary:

1. Inviting people to share responsibility with you allows for more fun than trying to control them.

2. There's enough (intimacy, love, sex, attention, etc.) to go around.

3. These two above ideas constitute a different paradigm for relationships than the commonly held belief of scarcity and needing to control one's lovers. If there's a conflict I'm aware of it's not between monogamous and non-monogamous relationship models but between a world view premised on abundance and autonomy vs one premised on scarcity and the need to control those in one's sphere. The two world views are not compatible, there isn't a happy mid-point compromise between them, and they aren't equally good at guiding people to be decent to each other. If you're living your life in abundance and dating somebody who believes they live in scarcity, they're the one whose world-view needs to change.

http://dirtysurface.com/ask-the-pornographer/can-polyamory-work
 
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The scarcity vs. abundance idea is one that's been on my mind for the last 7 years or so. A christian theologian brought it up and the idea is one that's stuck. I've found it a difficult paradigm shift to make. I've had a hard time letting go and trusting there to be enough love for everyone. Trying poly has been the only experience during which i've seen any progress on this in my own life. :)
 
Aha... I believe these are the quotes I was referring to.

"The problem with Christian culture is that we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money...I was guilty of using love like money, withholding it to get somebody to be who I wanted them to be....I replaced economic metaphor, with something different, a free gift metaphor...That is instead of withholding my love to change somebody, pouring it on them lavishly..." Donald Miller

"While the greedy see the world with limited resources, the generous always operate from an abundance mentality. The greedy take to ensure they will never be without; the generous give without fear. Generosity is the natural overflow of love." Erwin McManus

The abundance vs. scarcity applies to many aspects of life (relationships, finance, education, etc).
I think that when I read these as a young teen, I saw them primarily in relationship to people since money wasn't on my radar screen. In my family, love and affection were tools and weapons, given when "merited" and withheld to punish. So this idea seemed so beautiful to me and it still does. That love isn't like tokens at an arcade that can be spent. It's much bigger than that. Obviously both of these quotes come from christian theology. I'm not sure where I am with that these days. I know that I feel that fear, that fear that I'll be without (usually referring to love and affection). It can be hard to trust that love is there.
 
That abundance vs scarcity thing reminds me of Franklin Veaux's blog. He does mention that people seem to rush in relationship with the first person that doesn't run away, for fear that they might not get another chance, while in his opinion being in love with someone doesn't mean you'll be a good partner for them or that the relationship will work.
He also say that he's always acted like relationships are abundant, and they just come to him, and people who act like they're scarce seem to have behaviours that push other people away because they seem too desperate.
 
I am finding that the more love I give the more I get in return.

I've always had the opinion that I'd rather have one really good friend than 20 people who were only around when they thought it would benefit them.

To my mind it's similar to the church tithing. You give to the church and God gives back to you. I give my love freely, without expectation, and I receive it back many times over. Maybe not right then but on down the road when I might need it more than I do right now.
 
If there's a conflict I'm aware of it's not between monogamous and non-monogamous relationship models but between a world view premised on abundance and autonomy vs one premised on scarcity and the need to control those in one's sphere.
I like this part myself. He is not blaming monogamy for the conflict, but the fact that some people believe in scarcity as a way to control a relationship.
 
Our kids used to sing a song at nursery years ago. Can't remember all the words. But it was that love is like a Magic Penny. If you keep it to yourself you have a penny but if you give it away you get more pennies back. Something like that. I guess this is the same thing.
 
If you're living your life in abundance and dating somebody who believes they live in scarcity, they're the one whose world-view needs to change.
I wish he'd said "in his opinion" here as it is his opinion and a judgment... ah well.

@vodkafan- I remember that one! It was a song... I remember it all being very confusing to me... but in terms of relationships, I get it. in terms of values I have, I get it.
 
I wish he'd said "in his opinion" here as it is his opinion and a judgment... ah well.

@vodkafan- I remember that one! It was a song... I remember it all being very confusing to me... but in terms of relationships, I get it. in terms of values I have, I get it.

I remember it too:

Love is something if you give it away,
give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away
you end up having more.

It's just like a magic penny
hold it tight and you won't have many
lend it, spend it and you'll have so many
they'll roll all over the floor.

It's one of the only good messages that church ever gave me as a child.
 
I remember it too:

Love is something if you give it away,
give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away
you end up having more.

It's just like a magic penny
hold it tight and you won't have many
lend it, spend it and you'll have so many
they'll roll all over the floor.

It's one of the only good messages that church ever gave me as a child.
Yay! That's it.
 
I wish he'd said "in his opinion" here as it is his opinion and a judgment... ah well.

That's just the way essay writing is today. It's taken as a given that it's his opinion, and we're welcome to write him a lengthy response back if we don't like it. He should not have said "I" though, that made the message too personal.

The abundance model is really the only way you can achieve an 'absolute' security. Technically, it is a leap of faith. Maybe that's contrary to the idea of security; that it requires faith makes it less than air-tight, which would be epitome of secure. However the reality of being in control of another person and thusly dominating their time and affections is incredibly grim by comparison.
 
I remember it too:

Love is something if you give it away,
give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away
you end up having more.

It's just like a magic penny
hold it tight and you won't have many
lend it, spend it and you'll have so many
they'll roll all over the floor.

It's one of the only good messages that church ever gave me as a child.

Thanks Derbylicious that is it. ;):D
 
This three point summary is from the link below... thoughts?

Path toward better open relationships. The three-point summary:

1. Inviting people to share responsibility with you allows for more fun than trying to control them.

2. There's enough (intimacy, love, sex, attention, etc.) to go around.

3. These two above ideas constitute a different paradigm for relationships than the commonly held belief of scarcity and needing to control one's lovers. If there's a conflict I'm aware of it's not between monogamous and non-monogamous relationship models but between a world view premised on abundance and autonomy vs one premised on scarcity and the need to control those in one's sphere. The two world views are not compatible, there isn't a happy mid-point compromise between them, and they aren't equally good at guiding people to be decent to each other. If you're living your life in abundance and dating somebody who believes they live in scarcity, they're the one whose world-view needs to change.

http://dirtysurface.com/ask-the-pornographer/can-polyamory-work

I really like this RP, It is a new way to look at things (for me) and don't want to hijack your thread, but a few points/questions come to mind:
1) I believe a completely monogamous couple can also live with this same philosophy of abundance and giving. Admittedly, many DON'T.
2) How do you define an open relationship exactly? Do you mean that being poly means ALWAYS being "open" to somebody else coming into the relationship and changing the dynamic? Or is there a point where you think :I have enough in my life, we are now closed. Even if there are like 6-7 people in there.
3)Our set up being Polyandrous, my wife considers our V "closed" not open. So definitions again.
 
Hey RP,

This line of thinking surfaces in many areas these days it seems. It CAN be a delusional and dangerous approach to life if not keep in proper perspective.

I believe it roots from much of the new age style belief system/philosophy that as energy manipulators we can create realities we desire. That "belief" has force. Do I need to mention what institutions have tried that approach for the last few thousand years ?

That said, I believe and know that there are some applications where there IS some substance to this. But there are others where I believe it's simply not applicable. So to adopt this belief as a panacea for all life's needs can be very dangerous indeed.

Does it have a role in our love lives ? Maybe. As a supplement. But sitting down in the basement drawing pictures of the love of our lives and dreaming of them is not going to manifest them from the walls. Unless we fall asleep with the candle burning and it happens to be the fireman that shows up to drag our lifeless body out of the embers.

GS
 
Our kids used to sing a song at nursery years ago. Can't remember all the words. But it was that love is like a Magic Penny. If you keep it to yourself you have a penny but if you give it away you get more pennies back. Something like that. I guess this is the same thing.

Love is nothing 'till you give it away
give it away
give it away
Love is nothing 'til you give it away
then you end up having more

It's just like a magic penny
hold it tight and you won't have any
lend it, spend it, you'll have so many
they roll all over the floor

Damn. Just saw somebody else posted a version of it.
 
During my dark moments, when I am...miserable. I immediately dive into a scarcity thinking. Believing that what I lose, will be the end of what I find.

If only non-monogamy was as simple as step 1 and 2 alone. *sigh*
 
Love is nothing 'till you give it away
give it away
give it away
Love is nothing 'til you give it away
then you end up having more

It's just like a magic penny
hold it tight and you won't have any
lend it, spend it, you'll have so many
they roll all over the floor

Damn. Just saw somebody else posted a version of it.

Cute...I have never seen this before
 
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