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-   -   Redpepper's journey (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3421)

redpepper 08-09-2010 06:27 AM

Redpepper's journey
I have been on here for about 15 months and written many many posts and threads and have never written a blog about what my journey has been. I am finding lately that I am in need of a place to vent, get things out and enjoy the fruits that occur when one journals...

I will take the time to post links to things that are most important to me that I have written, but for now this is a start.

MonoVCPHG 08-09-2010 06:40 AM


redpepper 08-09-2010 06:51 AM

where I began in a nut shell.
I always had a lot of lovers and friends with benefits growing up and I just thought that was dating. I didn't tell each of them about each other because I didn't see a need to. At some point I realized that my not telling everyone about each other was hurting them, and I was surprised. I kept at it, but would just make sure everyone knew I was a free spirit... well, a slut really. :D

I decided to settle into several long term relationships with men and even agreed to marry one of them. I didn't in the end, he dumped me. :o I became a serial monogamist. That didn't work out as I feel in love with a woman and realized that perhaps I was a lesbian.

I left men for good at age 21 and decided that my time and energy was better spent in the women's community. For about 10 years I loved and dated women; two women in particular, one of which I committed to in a marriage arrangement and I now call her my ex-wife.

Me and the ex-wife decided to be non-monogamous as I was involved with queer women in the BDSM scene and we thought perhaps it would make our relationship better. Turns out it meant that I would invite a man into our life and bed. This arrangement was exciting but when it came down to it she decided that she was monogamous and that she wanted to travel and continue school and I wanted to settle into parenthood and buying a house. she is still a big part of my life and that of my child's.

Me and the man married and he is now my husband, Poly Nerdist. We have one boy child, a house, jobs and have been married in a poly relationship for 9 years. He identifies as bisexual and I identify as pansexual. Together we have journeyed together through many poly/swinging/open situations and dynamics and have ended up so far with identifying as poly exclusively after a long journey... this may change, but for now this is where we are at.

My husband has two lovers that are very distant in his life at the moment... one man and one woman (rolypoly). He seeks someone more committed to him and available, but it just hasn't happened yet.

I have a boyfriend primary of 18 months, who is MonoVCPHG on this forum. He identifies as monogamous, straight and vanilla in all things BDSM (although the latter is not so true anymore ;)). I also have a girlfriend secondary, who is Derbyliscious on this site. She is married and has two kids... we have been together for about three of four months now and are slowly working on how our lives might fit together. I have a non-sexual boyfriend (NSB) that I see once a month and a tersiary that I see as often as I can these days as he is going through a divorce and has a mono girlfriend to negotiate with.

Lastly I have a D/s life that I am getting more and more connected to and identify more and more with. I consider myself a Mistress and take that role in Mono's life as well as with an on-line man I have acquired and a woman in my poly community who I am just beginning to negotiate with. This identity is more and more attractive to me but it interrupts my daily life at this point and I find myself kept at bay from living it 24/7.

So this is me so far..... more to come. thanks for reading... (actually I am thankful for writing really... feels good! :))

redpepper 08-09-2010 07:17 AM

So, this is where I am at today...

I feel very raw today. I have had a rough week that feels like Nerdist and I have gone backwards. He is struggling with the possible and seeming end of one of his relationships and is angry, sad, depressed and unable to cope lately.

Everything seems to be on hold again towards something that works better for me. I am trying to keep calm, patient and in check where my emotions and needs are, but I have blown. I threw a box of band-aids and stormed out this weekend saying that I couldn't stand it any more,,,, or something.

Mono has a hard time watching us fight... he takes it on and gets concerned that our primary relationship is not doing well and therefore his place within our lives is not safe. I feel for him, but get quite concerned and upset when he then gets angry and frustrated at me about it. I need support and sometimes I just get more arguments. Luckily I remember from past experiences that this is what is going on for him and am patient and wait for him to tell me that he is just concerned for me and Nerdist. Apologies follow and then we are able to talk about what is going on.

I honestly thought I was done this week.
I really thought there was nothing left for me to give and hold onto with Nerdist. He has not been available to me for awhile now and when that happens I am unable to hold my connection and then don't see the point in staying.

Nerdist thought also that we are disconnected and blamed it all on me... this was entirely unfair as I make myself available... but it isn't enough for him. He has been considering the fact that he prefers monogamy because then his partner would be around more... the fact is I have never been the stay at home type he is and reminded him that I have always been busy and actively pursuing my life the whole time I have been with him... what's changed now?

I see our lives as trampolines. We each have springs that are held by certain people. Each person holds a spring to several springs to tens of springs and so on. When we bounce to much on one side of the trampoline the springs on the other side can come out. If the person who holds those springs is unable to hang on that is. If they hold many springs then there are others that hold them onto the trampoline. Once those springs are gone, then others around them move in to take their place, or they are replaced by another person.

So using this idea of a trampoline, I have felt for some time that Nerdist has been bouncing on the other side of his trampoline and I have been left straining to hang on to my end. It makes me resentful and I eventually have let go of some springs. In turn, I have been bouncing on the other end of my trampoline from Nerdist as a result and he has let go of some of mine due to similar factors. We were bouncing off in different directions essentially.

Now this weekend we have gotten to the bottom of some of what is holding us back. I had a hard time with his NRE over roly and he is unable to accept that the next step in my relationship with Mono is that he move into our basement suite and we open the house up for all of us to use... I would have my own room down there.

The longer I wait for this move to happen or not, depending on Nerdists feelings, the more trapped and angry I feel. I am asking a lot, I know that, he has given so much already. I have given also in terms of patience. I have waited while the whole idea has been on hold during his NRE... this was the last wait. Now our current tenants are completely out of hand with cops showing up every night and loudness... I am losing my patience and my mind at this point, yet I wait.

I know I ask a lot, I know he has also given in terms of time to get to know Mono and be his friend. He doesn't see how he will benefit from this kind of move at all. I have explained that he will benefit because I will be happier. I have never liked living two lives; one with Mono and one with my family. I spend two nights a week at my Other Home (OH) and numerous afternoons after work every week. I don't like being away from my boy (especially with the uproar from down stairs right now) and I don't like being at home knowing Mono is at the OH alone. I don't like any of it! I like having them all together. This is when I feel complete. This is what makes everyone happy, but Nerdist; who apparently doesn't feel anything when we are all together. Even my boy is on the Mono living with us band wagon now. After all, we have changed our will for him to be the boys caregiver if we die... he gets the house to raise him in.

Sigh.... this is where I am at tonight.

Fidelia 08-09-2010 03:59 PM

Wow. :(

Sounds like you're shoveling a lot of shit right now. I know it takes a lot of fertilizer to grow a beautiful garden, but DAM!

I realize these posts are mostly a journal for you, and I hope I'm not offending by chiming in, I just wanted you to know you are being heard. And cared about. Thanks for sharing who you are and where you're at.


Ariakas 08-09-2010 04:05 PM

Thank you for sharing RP. Just going to chime in with fidelia and send support :)...

Fidelia 08-09-2010 04:07 PM

Oh! One more thing: the cops show up every night because of the downstairs tenants? AWW HELL NO!

If you have a lease with them, they're breaking it by making it impossible for you to enjoy peaceful possession of your home. Get 'em out! And regaining the peace on the property might go a long way toward helping your family gain some peace of mind. Really.

redpepper 08-09-2010 04:50 PM

I don't mind people writing here :) thanks for the support.

The tennants mum has been away and he turned 19 over the weekend. I'm sure it will calm down now shes home.

LovingRadiance 08-09-2010 05:44 PM

I know those feelings RP.
They hurt.
I feel that pain.

Tonberry 08-09-2010 05:50 PM

Thanks for sharing, RP, I hope it helps you.

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