Nervous

Derbylicious

New member
So a little bit of back story here. My husband is away for work and has been since October. He's recently met someone who he gets along with well where he is. They've asked for my permission to get to know each other better. The whole being asked for permission thing throws me for a loop a bit. It reminds me of many years ago when my husband would tell his friends that I wouldn't let him do something with them when more often than not is was just an excuse because he didn't want to do it himself.

From what I know of the new lady in his life (through email) I do like her. She has a good head on her shoulders and seems to have herself figured out. But I am nervous about change. I don't know if it's because I haven't seen him in such a long time. How is this going to change things with us when he gets back? She was planning to move out this way before she met him. I think mostly I just don't know what to expect and I'm feeling a little bit lost.

I don't want to be asked for permission. What I want is to be kept in the loop and allowed to express how I'm feeling about things and to be heard by my husband. I don't know why I'm so fixated on the permission thing. Maybe it's because I want to be a partner and not a parent. Anyway I just needed to let this out.

-Derby
 
If they are really asking for your permission because they want to know YOU are ok with it, not because he wants you to be ok with it FOR him, then it's just a common-courtesy to do that. But, you should be honest about it if you are NOT "ok" with it.

I realize you were not asking for this kind of advice but I went out on a limb and gave it anyway.
 
I am 'ok' with the situation, just not with being asked permission (if that makes any sense).
 
I completely understand. Sometimes my husband asks me for permission for the silliest things, and I'm always so confused and worried about how I must come across sometimes that he feels he needs to ask permission for those things.

It could be that he feels he needs your permission as a form of endorsement and support, more than "asking mom if it's ok to come out and play." I would just mention that you "felt funny" about being asked for permission like you were his mom, and that you don't want to see yourself in that role.

*giggles* I love the range of people on here, from "I fully support him and I don't want him to feel like he needs permission" to "how could he just do this without asking me first if it's ok?" ... you can certainly see where they get the idea that they should ask first, and personally I think it's better that he's playing it safe than sorry... I'm sure you're a lot less offended being asked for permission than you would have been if you HAD wanted to be asked, and you WEREN'T... if THAT makes any sense...
 
I am 'ok' with the situation, just not with being asked permission (if that makes any sense).

Not LOOKING for something to find fault with are we ???? <just kidding> :)

I suspect they were both just trying to be considerate as others have mentioned. Unless you are into the D/s thing I doubt it's more than that.
Be thankful. Like SchrodingersCat says - isn't it better to be on this end than the other ?

Deep breath. Smile.

GS
 
So just to update, I'm slowly finding my footing in this new dynamic. I'm having to learn to voice very clearly what my expectations are. It's hard being aross the continent from someone and trying to negotiate boundaries without being overly restrictive. I want my husband to be happy but I am also very protective of the on-line time I get with him. (Which isn't all that much with a full time job and a 4 hour time difference). But what I have on-line is all that I have at the moment.

-Derby
 
I'm on a weird emotional rollercoaster. I'm content this morning. Smiling and happy and not at all worried. I had a nice chat yesterday evening with a lovely lady and I think that may have helped bring the calm back. I'm not feeling all panicky and nervous at the moment.

Now if I can only stop comparing myself. I see myself through my own (probably rather distorted) lens where I'm quite dull. So new SO's in my husband's life always seem more fun and exciting than I am. Strangely enough I don't feel that way about him at all. It doen't make any sense that he would feel that way about me. Boo for low self esteem. Any tips on changing your own lens?

-Derby
 
Boo for low self esteem. Any tips on changing your own lens?

-Derby

Ever try using re-affirmation techniques. Figure out what you like about yourself (also find things people compliment you on that make you feel good), write them down and use them to reaffirm your self-esteem. Might help :)
 
Ever try using re-affirmation techniques. Figure out what you like about yourself (also find things people compliment you on that make you feel good), write them down and use them to reaffirm your self-esteem. Might help :)


Yea, and I bet you can draw from your derby experiences to do that.
 
I totally feel like I'm all over the place with my emotions. I want off this rollercoaster. Plus the things that are causing me to feel uneasy aren't the things that I thought would make me feel uneasy. Yet again it's because I'm comparing what I have with what my husband's new GF has (which is his actual physical presence). I've discovered that I'm not comfortable with sleepovers at this point. I thought I would be and that it would be no big deal since he's not here with me anyway. But all it did was to reinforce how lonely I am here by myself. You would think that it would be physical intimacy that would be a problem but my issue is with the cuddling. I miss being cuddled and held all night. And it's selfish and stupid but if I haven't been having it I'm not at the point that I'm ready to share that part of him with another. (Keep in mind we're still at less than a week since they first met).

So my solution for the time being was to ask on facebook if anyone wanted to be my cuddle buddy this weekend. With any luck if I can get myself some cuddles (from somone over 3 feet tall). I might be able to be more mature about this boundary of mine. I do know that it's silly so no one has to tell me that. My husband and I have also come to an agreement for the time being that he will text me when he gets home to tell me goodnight and that he loves me. For now that's what I need. I so wish I could process things quicker and just be ok with everything right off. I just don't work that way. And unfortunately not working that way makes me feel like a bad person.

And then there's the upside of the roller coaster where there's someone that I've been connecting with. I think about her a lot and I get excited when I know I'm going to see her. I'm just trying to get a feel for how to procede with her though as there was a rather bad breech of boundaries on new years and I don't want to screw up again. So things are moving a little slowly there. But we do have a potential movie date for when I get home.

I feel like I'm a teenager going through nutty mood swings. By my age I should be over that. Next thing it will be pimples! :D

-Derby
 
Awwww, you must be missing him very much. I can see being envious of the other girl having free access to him while he and you are so far apart.

Also, I get you on the sleeping over bit. My gf (presently we've been together 14 mos) slept over on her 2nd date w a new bf A w/o checking w me first to see it I was cool with it. They didnt sleep together, she slept in his guest room, but it still hurt. But we talked it over and I allowed her to spend the night w him on their 3rd date. Soon after that tho, A's husband told A he wasnt cool with the sleepovers either! That's a big step in intimacy. You go at your own pace.

I am glad he's gonna text you good night every night. And good for you for arranging for cuddles w someone else, getting your needs met.
 
I feel like I'm a teenager going through nutty mood swings. By my age I should be over that. Next thing it will be pimples! :D

-Derby

Just don't squeeze Derby :rolleyes:

I suggest dancing to take your mind off of things for a while... don't forget that things in the past are in the past:)
 
Just don't squeeze Derby :rolleyes:

I suggest dancing to take your mind off of things for a while... don't forget that things in the past are in the past:)

Don't squeeze Derby? But Derby likes to be squeezed :D
 
So everything worked out well tonight. My husband went out for his date and went back home for bed. I got to talk to him before he went to sleep for the night. I'm happy with how it went. I feel heard and important, and that goes a long way. He really is an awesome guy.

-Derby
 
Hmmm you do know she reads these forums, right?

:p you're gonna get a spankin':p
 
So everything worked out well tonight. My husband went out for his date and went back home for bed. I got to talk to him before he went to sleep for the night. I'm happy with how it went. I feel heard and important, and that goes a long way. He really is an awesome guy.

-Derby

Glad it went better tonight. :)
 
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