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SusieHomewrecker 06-14-2012 08:25 AM

Shiny and new

I was directed here by a friend who just recently entered into an open relationship herself and I've slowly been looking over different threads for advice and guidance.

My fiance and I (I am a bisexual female and he is a straight male) opened up our relationship back in January at my behest. There is a libido disparity between the two of us (mine being higher) that instigated having the discussion.

We have a lot of friends in both poly and open relationships, so intellectually, we understood what it meant. Or at least we thought we did. It's become a different thing in action and there have been some missteps on both of our parts in communication and honesty.

Luckily though we have really started improving on those issues in the past few weeks, and I think that we're really getting better. But I felt that joining a forum like this would be very helpful for navigating the waters of non-monogamy.

I look forward to conversation and hopefully friendships in the future. A pleasure to (hopefully) be a part of your community!

dingedheart 06-14-2012 08:35 AM

Hi and welcome,

Do you have a date set?

I think you were smart to get this on the table before walking down the isle.

Do you both have partners?

SusieHomewrecker 06-14-2012 08:55 AM

We do not have a date set. We got engaged in the end of April, so the open relationship happened before the engagement.

For our arrangement, each of us at this point has slept with one other person. Unfortunately one of the issues in communication I was speaking about was that I only found out he had actually slept with someone else a few days ago.

A little explanation on that. Before we opened up the relationship (officially) there was a woman that we both were spending time with together, and I would spend time with her one on one as well. It was the sort of "flexible monogamy", I suppose, that sometimes comes with a straight male and a bisexual female.

When we had the opening up discussion, I did specifically state that I would be comfortable with him sleeping with her on his own. The issue that arose however is that it happened in February, and I only found out a few days ago. It led to a long discussion and we've definitely solidified a lot of our boundaries and I explained a lot of issues I was having.

A lot of it stems from him not being overly expressive in his affection with me. I explained that I need him to be more affectionate in public AND in private if this is going to work, because I can't feel that other women are getting something I'm not.

I admit that some of it comes from my own very personal issues as well. I am a larger girl and he is a pretty darn attractive guy, so the likelihood of him finding a girl that he finds attractive that is also into him is much higher than my finding someone who I find attractive that also is interested in me. It is difficult for me when he starts expressing interest in someone who isn't my body type, because then it starts a thought process of what if she has everything I have personality-wise AND has a good body to boot. I will never be petite, as I've been overweight since I was four months old. I can get healthier for sure, but I'll never be "skinny".

Also, despite saying he wants to know and be aware of the guys I get involved with, he was not making sure I knew the girls. These last issues arose because of a particular girl that he hadn't slept with, but things were moving in that direction. Luckily we started improving those communication issues while things were moving with that girl, so we were able to stem that particular tide.

The other thing that makes things difficult for me right now is a fundamental difference in the things that each of is looking for in new partners. He is more interested in just trying something (someone) new. For me, I am past the point in my life where I am interested in having sex with random people. I'm much more interested in establishing a FWB arrangement. I need to feel comfortable with new partners. However, he would prefer that I stay away from our established friends group. Which makes things complicated.

During our recent (and ongoing) conversation though, he said that he would try to work through that issue and become more comfortable with my possibly getting involved with friends, and I would work through and try to become more comfortable with him possibly doing things with other women even if I might be in the vicinity.

We've agreed that both of us would be most comfortable if our new partners were already in established relationships themselves, as that presents less of a perceived threat to our own relationship, as those people would understand the meaning of an open relationship better than a random single person might.

I apologize for the length of this, but these are issues that we are currently in the process of working through, so they're a bit fresh in my mind.

dingedheart 06-14-2012 09:29 AM

I actually like more information than less ..:)So no apology needed.

Have you talked about how this dynamic would look in the future. Children...accidental pregnancy....dating and time splits, etc.

How does his dating philosophy effect you and yours.....why is that an issue for you?

SusieHomewrecker 06-14-2012 10:21 AM

Hmm... Well, as far as pregnancy issues, we hadn't really discussed them. However when I read your post, I brought up the questions to him. We're still thinking about if he gets other girls pregnant. However if I get pregnant, we've just come to conclusion that we would treat the child as his, no matter what.

We've talked a bit about dating. Both of us are in general more interested in finding people from our existing social interactions. We're both geeks and involved in conventions and other geek activities and would be meeting people through those circumstances. The guy that I've slept with is an old friend that lives in another state that came to visit for a week. Before he even came up to visit my fiance explicitly stated that he was okay with us having sex.

Either way, both of us has solidified that we want to know and get a chance to "feel out" a potential new partner the other is interested in. We've also stated that we'd like to know in advance if things seem to be heading in that direction with someone, so we have a chance to acclimate ourselves to the idea and figure out if we have an issue with a particular person (as I have already said no to the girl I mentioned before, as she seems to be just about collecting notches on her bedpost and has already been flagged as a potential crazy by several of our friends).

As far as his dating philosophy, it doesn't really affect me or mine, so much as mine affects him. I want to feel at ease with people I am sleeping with, and would prefer to be with people I already have a friendship with and that know my fiance and I as a couple. He isn't very comfortable with me sleeping with our closer social group (expanded social network is acceptable), and that presents a complication for me.

I suppose the one complication that his dating philosophy presents to me is that if he is pursuing girls that I haven't already had conversation with or know, then I'm not comfortable with it until I've gotten the chance to get a feel for them and know emotionally they aren't out to "get him".

Another part of the reason we're going to try and concentrate on already partnered people. Neither of us is looking for additional relationships. Any additional opposite gender partners are going to be at MOST friends with benefits. He would not necessarily be opposed to me finding a girlfriend, though I'm not looking for that as of right now.

I hope that answers your questions. :P

dingedheart 06-14-2012 02:22 PM

How long have you been dating each other prior to opening up your relationship.

Has he articulated the reasons why he's not crazy out you dating/banging with in the social circle.? Being outed with extended familiar work......mess up friendships....etc.

Clearly you've set up a hierarchy ......have you thought about the what if's ..if that were to change. Somebody falls madly in love ...finds their soulmate. Their super better perfect soulmate. I'd suggest you both dedicate a few hours and read the different stories here.....get an idea of how things can change and at what speed those changes can happen.

kdt26417 06-15-2012 03:38 AM

Greetings Susie,
Welcome to our forum.

Re (from SusieHomewrecker, Post #3):

"When we had the opening up discussion, I did specifically state that I would be comfortable with him sleeping with her on his own. The issue that arose however is that it happened in February, and I only found out a few days ago."
Can I ask, when did the opening up discussion occur? In February or more recently ... Was it after he had already slept with her (on his own)?

It sounds like you guys have some obstacles to overcome, but you've already made considerable progress by opening up the channels of communication. I hope Polyamory.com will prove to be a helpful resource to you. Certainly there is a wealth of info to read up on here, and you can interact with other members to get thoughts, advice, support, etc.

Glad to have you aboard.
Kevin T.

ThatGirlInGray 06-15-2012 03:53 PM

Kevin, the OP says they opened their relationship up back in January.

Welcome Susie! Now that I've read your intro I appreciate the irony of your user name. I wasn't sure what to think at first! :-P

kdt26417 06-16-2012 08:59 PM


"Kevin, the OP says they opened their relationship up back in January."
Oops, :o

taker14 06-18-2012 01:59 AM

welcome to the community

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