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Prax 09-28-2011 04:59 AM

Hi, I'm Prax
Hi poly people!

I'm Prax, a 20-year-old woman, currently the hinge in an open V with two men. J, my fiancÚ of two years, currently lives in another state as I attend college. A, a new boyfriend of this year, is one of my roommates at school.

Since I introduced both of them to polyamory, I feel a lot of pressure to explain poly theory to them, and often spend too much time worrying about whether they are being completely open with me. J has been struggling with some jealousy lately, especially now that we can't live together until the summer. Though I have dated other men since the beginning of our relationship, my relationship with A is the first one that moved beyond casual.

It doesn't help that I'm not really sure how each of them stand on the poly-mono scale. J describes himself as poly, but has never dated anyone outside of our relationship, and doesn't seem to want anything but a sex partner for when I'm away. A is completely new to poly relationships and knows virtually nothing about it, but says he's always liked the idea of open relationships. He too does not seem interested in actively seeking any other partners.

I sometimes find myself wishing they (J especially) would more actively pursue another partner, just so they could empathize with me and see that one relationship doesn't take from the other. J has tried a bit, but has had a hard time finding someone. This has lead to him feeling jealous of me because of my dating success.

J and A will be meeting for the first time this weekend, when J comes to visit. Fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly. I keep telling them that all I want is to make them feel as safe and happy as possible - I am so happy with both of them, I wish it could be just as easy for them to accept each other and realize that my feelings for the other never detract from our relationship.

On the bright side, I have found that having my first serious OSO has, if anything, strengthened my feelings for J. I find the small differences between them help me to appreciate things that I usually take for granted.

OriginalMike 09-28-2011 04:03 PM

Just my two cents worth - as you are young enough to be my daughter, I would encourage you to wait a long time before doing the walk down the aisle thing (as you mention fiance). With the housekeeping out of the way - I am so glad for you that at 20 you have discovered there are alternatives to being mono, and have comfortably identified yourself as being poly.

Don't worry about whether your partners are mono or poly, it is something they will need to figure out for themselves.

You have an advantage I did not - the ability to go into a primary relationship with the poly cards face up on the table. In my case, it morphed into it and my bride is not overly pleased.

I would suggest some reading aloud with your partners. Our favorite is "Opening Up" and be taking turns reading and then discussing, it is both very intimate and lets each person know they can openly and honestly discuss any topic.

I'm also a firm believer in my partners knowing each other, and if not being friends, at least get along with each other.

I'd agree - my having an OSO has caused me to love my wife more than I ever felt was possible.

Ciao ~ Mike

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall never break.

Prax 09-28-2011 11:46 PM

Thanks for the advice! And don't worry, marriage is not actually that important to either of us right now, but we consider ourselves engaged mostly for the sake of my (highly religious) family. We don't plan to actually marry at least until both of us are finished with our education, if then.

OriginalMike 09-29-2011 01:15 AM

LOL - I wasn't worried, just passing out my free advice :-)

Those highly religious families do not seem to be overly understanding at times.

bassman 09-29-2011 07:40 PM


Originally Posted by OriginalMike (Post 104171)
Those highly religious families do not seem to be overly understanding at times.

aint THAT the truth!

OriginalMike 09-29-2011 10:07 PM

Which is a terrible shame. So much of religion is about control, when it should be about loving and caring about our fellow humans.

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