a bit unnerved...

HCgirl78

New member
My husband and I now have a name for what we are, we discussed out love for each other and our family unit but desire to seek out other partners for well over a year before we actually acted on it. I am currently in a ongoing relationship with a friend who struggled to understand my lifestyle choices but the fact that he put alot of thought into it before starting anything with me meant alot.
He is my 3rd partner since we opened our marriage, the first 2 basically were 1 night stands as the first could not handle things, and the 2nd found a mono relationship and cut ties with me. My husband had struggled to find someone, we live in a very small town so he used dating sites. He found a woman that they talked for quite awhile online before meeting and having a sexual encounter, and once again she couldn't handle that he was married but that it was ok (she had been a mistress once and the wife found out and hunted her down)
So now as I type this, my husband is out meeting a potential ongoing friend with benefits. I have some concerns and try to express them and he listens but continues on. She is married, has a bf already on the side, but her husband is in the dark about anything. She has a lot of questions which is good and has said she is envious of our open marriage that she is so unhappy in her marriage. I am really uncomfortable with the fact she is married and hiding this. It could blow up and be so bad. I voiced my concerns to my husband and he said he did have some concern but not enough to back off. he enjoys exchanging texts and emails with her and was really looking forward to meeting her. I just worry that her affairs will come out and then we will be pulled into things, her running to him sobbing over her husband's reaction (she says he is very jealous and protective) or even the husband tracking mine down somehow. I am not wrong in my thinking right? I mean he did call off meeting a woman before because she was married but not open.
I would just really like to be able to find someone that is either single and can handle our life choices, or that is in a open marriage. Our marriage is very happy and it makes me sick to think of wrecking someone else's marriage especially when there are kids involved. I told him she is to know NOTHING about us today, I don't want her to know where he works, our kids names or ages or my name even anything that could turn around and bite us.
We live a very quiet life and have no one but each other to talk to about our poly life so I am glad to have found a place I can talk about this.
He has sent a message that he is on his way home, so I guess I will hear how things went when he gets home.

C
 
I am really uncomfortable with the fact she is married and hiding this. It could blow up and be so bad.


You should be. It will. Your husband is cheating with this woman. Even if you know about it, her husband doesn't, so it is cheating.

I know other people on here will have more to say about this.


Do a tag search for "cheating" and "affair". Quite a few people come on here with the exact same situation as yours. I know you said you feel alone and like no one can relate to your situation but it is far from unique. Try to avail yourself of the benefit of other people's experiences.
 
Last edited:
I feel your pain, recently met ...chripes it's even hard to say; my wife's, boyfriend's, wife...

I'm interested to see how both our situations unfold, and how he relayed how it went when he got home.
 
I know I won't feel so alone now that I found this forum.

I would be fine with it if she would talk to her husband, and then the marriage either ends or he allows a similar relationship as we have. I would say she is probably staying for the kids, which is so wrong, kids are not dumb and will pick up on things.
I feel bad for my husband as I know he has such a hard time meeting a woman he could be with and is frustrated that as a woman I had an easy time...well for the most part.

I will search the forums a bit more while I wait for him to come home
 
So he is home, he made it very clear to her our concerns (more mine it seems) that she is married and she is secondary, that our life, our family is FIRST. She understands that and doesn't want to change her life. She said that she has had 8 affairs in the last 10 years ( or something like that) and has never been caught as her job is ideal that she can just say she has to step out of the office for a few hours.
I still don't like it, it feels like he is trying to justify having a relationship with her on the fact that she has gotten away with it for so long. I want him to find an ongoing relationship and hate seeing him struggle but I am just really unsure of this whether she believes she won't be caught or not.
 
I guess I'm wondering is your only concern the complications if they get caught?

In my similar situation, I'm really not hugely worried about that. Frankly, if they get caught, it's because they screwed up and deserve it. It's more of "accomplice guilt" that I have issue with.
 
Ygirl he did tell me if I wanted it to stop then he wouldn't see her again, but at the same time I can't say no 100% because I feel bad about it...does that make sense. I basically told him that although previously I like to hear all about his time away,this time if he did continue with her that I don't want to know anything other than when he arrives where they meet and when he leaves.

Yes dazed my biggest concern is them getting caught, her marriage then falling apart and her trying to claim more ownership over my husband which is not how we have our relationship work.
 
Well it's your life, but if I had a farm, I'd bet it that I know what redpepper will say to this.

You are talking out of both sides of your mouth, though, just so you know. First you say all this stuff about your kids and safety and what if the husband find out and comes after your family, and then you turned around and say that you're not 100% because YOU feel "bad".

It's obvious to me that your gut has already told you that this is not a tenable situation, and you are allowing doubt to be planted against your better judgment.

We have to be true to ourselves because we can't escape from or avoid ourselves the way we can with other people. That's "we" the "royal" we, not "we" as referencing any particular individual(s) on this forum.

I read these stories and think "I hope this never happens to me".
 
Last edited:
let me elaborate why I feel bad, or more so like a bi*ch. I have had more partners than my husband my whole life, not just since we opened our marriage, he let the numbers bother him. He has had one encounter since we opened our marriage in November, and she in turn after that night said she couldn't take our lifestyle choices and cut all ties. I on the other hand, had to weed through messages while watching him be frustrated that no one can get our relationship and what we are looking for. I want him to have the enjoyment I do when I am out with my bf not the frustration he has had since day 1. We are in a small town so its not that easy to find someone that even shares our thoughts. He says he will tell her he can't see her again and just wait for another woman to come along, I am still processing at this point and said we'll talk later tonight.
I don't want to hold him back from someone he has already developed such a connection with but at the same time I am unsure of the affair on her side. I don't foresee it really affecting my home or family as much as it would hers. He feels a single woman would be more dangerous to pursue and he has yet to find a woman that is in a open relationship as well.
I have made sure she has very few details about us, she only knows his first name, not my name, or anything about our kids or even where we live or he works. She offered him a business card today and he refused and said no last names...as he knows I am still undecided about things and the less info shared the better right now.
Yes I am arguing with myself I get that, this seems like it could be ongoing unlike his last time so I have more to process being on the end that he goes out because at this point only I have (except his one night) and this is all still very new to us despite talking about it for a long time before we acted on it, it is a new thing to process as things are actually happening than when we were just talking about it.

I guess I should also add the extent of our relationship, we are open marriage with casual sex although I am finding that I do care for my current ongoing man in my life more than I thought I would and am struggling myself as I adjust to things and put things into perspective. We have agreed to SAFE sex with others preferably ongoing, and that if things had become emotional/loving we needed to talk about things and see if things should continue
 
Last edited:
Depth does not come without last names etc. How can that be? That's just BS if you ask me.

Ya, you have every right to put your foot down and say absolutely not. Your whole entire family will get pulled into a whirlwind of drama, bad energy and just plain ol negativity. Why? Because your husband is impatient and can't tell the difference anymore between a real opportunity and the devil herself?

I don't care what her story is, there is no reason for her to stay in her marriage at all. She has destroyed just as much as he has. Even if her reason to stray is that he beats her every night I think. Cheating is just as bad to me, it destroys the fabric of our trust of another and I would wager that it will destroy trust in your relationship too if he does this.

Casual relationships are much better pure and with integrity I have learned. This will never have any of that and all he will get is the chance to fuck someone the whole town has fucked by the sounds of it.

I'm sorry I am coming across so strongly. If you have done a search and read anything about my opinion on this and history with it, you will see why. I'm sorry if my calling this woman the devil herself offends (Mono is sitting by me telling me that is a strong word. He's catholic, perhaps its stronger for some ;)), I just really feel strongly that anyone who thinks ten years of affairs is something to be proud of and is cheating on a husband, a family, a boyfriend and herself is just completely lost.

I would run. I would run very fast and never respond again with anything more than you feel sorry for her and think she really should check her values.
 
I had wrote a note before i read your reply Red pepper but I feel its the same page, I thought about this all afternoon consumed with it while he slept ( he's on midnight shift)
This is my note to him to go over when he gets up from his nap before he heads to work.

"I feel as long as she's lying to her husband/family that you should email her & say that if she ever comes clean about her secret life to her husband & they either divorce or change to a poly relationship then you regrettably have to cut contact with her. He may not know at this point but in good conscience you cannot be with her in any way, no text or emails. do you really want to be one of 9 that helped destroy her marriage and hurt her kids?
She is obviously unhappy for many years in her life & you shouldn't be part of the complications that allow her to think this is ok to do.She should talk to her husband about her desires and how she feels in their marriage now, maybe they will divorce maybe they will open up and find a life they enjoy together and apart as we do. he may not react like you did but she won't know until she TALKS to him!!
So at this point I feel all contact should end but if her relationship status did change I would be ok with her contacting you and revisiting the idea still no guarantee I would agree to her as a partner.
I would really prefer a person(s) that we can hang out at all times with families but have our side perk still kept discrete .
I am sorry I feel this way but nothing will change it, what we have is different it is not an AFFAIR, we wouldn't be the couple we are without our trust, openness and honesty so here i am putting it all out there.
You will find a woman that suits our lifestyle and is ok with it, yes it could take time but I am here along the way and just feel that continuing on with her goes against all we believe and stand for in our home."

so now to wait till he reads it, but I think I got everything across I wanted to and I know he won't go against my wishes and will not pursue her any further but I still want to hear his thoughts...then read his good bye email which I offered to help write as well ;)

thank you for the blunt and honest replies, its what I want and expect when I come here, not a sugar coated reply that is not my style...be real and make me see all sides as sometimes I know I don't, so thank you!

C
 
Good for you! Sounds like you have your head on straight. I hope he thanks you for that later. :)

Bluntness is fine, as a dose of reality is helpful sometimes. The truck is to keep it respectful. Hard to do on this topic for me. Mono had yet another long talk about it after. Always s journey. If he wants any further reassurance that the best course is as you laid it out, there is certainly lots to read on here. Yours is not an uncommon thread.
 
I agree, you might want to invite your husband to read here. He doesn't have to register to read.

You should also check out xeromag.com. Lots of good stuff on there.
 
thanks Ygirl I will check that out.

now any tips for his online profile that could help us seek out what we are really wanting and not finding women who are hiding affairs or just don't handle our lifestyle well well actually any tips at all...I am ready to kick him out of the house once in awhile just to go to a club and see if he comes across a woman that way rather than online. He's dealt with bots too that try to get you to sign up to different sites but blocks those quick but it only adds to his frustration that he feels and I am starting to feel as well...for him.
 
Hmm... This forum is not typically lucrative when it comes to personal ads. I've been on here for over a year and I just responded to one in my area for the first time!

Are you on OK Cupid? I'm not, but it does come highly recommended around here.

Having said that, I want to tell you how I personally feel about "all this":

Polyamory and "alternative lifestyles" are all just grooovy (with 3 o's), but consider yourself extremely fortunate that you have ONE good relationship, which is a more than a lot of people have. Every day I am thankful for my husband, and if that is all I get for the rest of my life, I will have nothing to be sorry for.
 
I have found in our journey that the best way to find suitable partners is to find like minded people and that only happened when we started talking to our friends and others what we wanted to accomplish. I was amazed at who supported our idea and who didn't. Now I have a community of responsible non-monogamous people around me. Everyone is in it from swingers to poly fi. Older, younger, different gender identifications and abilities. We all hang out together or separately because we found each other to have similar values. I met them on dating sites and we decided to start community.
There is no reason to be alone. I started a womens group because I wasn't getting my need met to have female friends to talk about my relation ships with. I have friends on here now too. I have arranged to meet several forum friends now who are in my area. It starts to come together when I open my heart to what's beyond just hooking up. Its a whole lifestyle change to find something decent and lasting with others.

I would be inclined to be your friend on fb as a start. I'm very descreet on there and who knows what paths many cross as a result. Its all about getting out there and seeing where it goes (I'm not available as a partner however as I am more than filled with lovelies :D).
 
Last edited:
OKCupid is turning up some interesting prospects for me.

Your husband is letting the fact he's having a hard time finding someone blind him to the fact that she's not being honest in her marriage. I mean you said yourself he'd already shot down someone else for being married and not honest.

Kudos to you for being honest with yourself and with him and setting him straight.
 
Well his email is sent to her, asking that unless her status changes to not contact him. That being with her further just goes against what he believes. We did have a good talk and I feel much better knowing I don't have to deal with her but at the same time for sad that she lives such a lie to her husband and kids, I don't get why someone would want to continue to live so unhappy.
 
Back
Top