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-   -   Privacy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10989)

Mohegan 06-17-2011 10:28 PM


Originally Posted by serialmonogamist (Post 87072)
I find it really interesting to read what journalists write when scandals like Weiner, Strauss-Kahn, or Tiger Woods are happening and what the public perception seems to be. Each sex scandal reminds me why people keep their sexuality closeted. Sexual disclosure makes people vulnerable in a way that is easy to exploit by others. Even if people just find out you like having sex missionary style with your wife within a monogamous committed relationships on saturday night after 10pm behind closed doors with the lights off, they will make little comments to let you know that they know what you do, e.g. "so how's the missionary work going?" It is ridiculous. It's like there's a general promise of harassment to anyone who doesn't keep secrets and maintain privacy.

I think the attacks come more against those that tried to keep it a secret then against those out in the open. Which again just adds to my confusion.

No it's not really anyones business who anyone is doing or how, but if you hide it like a dirty secret, it's gonna come out like a dirty secret.

Tonberry 06-17-2011 11:39 PM

I think the Strauss-Khan one is more about the accusation of non-consenting. He's notorious for having sex with women who aren't his wife and it's never been a scandal before.

BrigidsDaughter 06-19-2011 11:17 PM

For me privacy is huge; I'm the oldest of 6. From the time I was 4 until I was 12 I shared a room with two of my brothers. After that I shared a room with one of my sisters until I left for college. My siblings never respected my stuff; my brother would read my diary; my sister opened and then destroyed all my collectible dolls. At college, my roommate told the RA that she'd walked in on Runic Wolf and I having sex when we were both dressed sitting on the floor watching American Beauty when she came home.... I am an open person BUT if you want to know, you have to ask. If I share my private thoughts with a friend to help me sort through them, to give me a new perspective via e-mail; I don't want anyone else to read that conversation. That doesn't mean I'm hiding it or being secretive; I will share my thoughts and feelings when I have it all sorted out. I'll even tell you that I talked it out with so and so to make sure that I'm not crazy. I don't know if that helps you any Mo, but for me being open doesn't mean I stop being autonomous and to me marriage (especially closed marriage) doesn't take away one's autonomy. As I see it, two becoming one doesn't mean losing yourself, your right to private thoughts, time for self reflection, etc. It means that you lean on each other and give each other strength. Honesty and integrity are important to that, but your whole self, thoughts, ideas, right to privacy aren't lost in that agreement; though a friend of mine seems to see his wife as his property (as in his opinion women are not to be trusted to make their own decisions).

MonoVCPHG 06-19-2011 11:29 PM


Originally Posted by AutumnalTone (Post 86604)
It has nothing to do with having anything to hide. It has everything to do with violation of others and respect for individual choice.

I totally agree with this.

I think some people are simply pathological in their need to share in every aspect of their partner's relationship and activities. They can't handle anyone having something they are not a part of. It's indicative of envy as defined by "painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage". http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/envy

BrigidsDaughter 06-19-2011 11:35 PM

Runic Wolf, Wendigo, and I have one friend who we all used to hold in high enough esteem to share private thoughts with, until we discovered that when he is drunk all his (and everyone else's) secrets come out. He tells things about his sex life that I know his wife would be embarrassed with people knowing as well; and the thing is he has memory blanks while drinking, so he completely forgets telling everyone his and their secrets and does it over and over again..... part of the privacy thing for me is respecting the other person's right to not have their business shared with everyone and anyone even accidentally.

serialmonogamist 06-19-2011 11:46 PM


Originally Posted by Tonberry (Post 87083)
I think the Strauss-Khan one is more about the accusation of non-consenting. He's notorious for having sex with women who aren't his wife and it's never been a scandal before.

I suppose you're right, and with Tiger Woods and Schwartzeneger, they were keeping it a secret from their wives.


Originally Posted by Mohegan (Post 87076)
I think the attacks come more against those that tried to keep it a secret then against those out in the open. Which again just adds to my confusion.

No it's not really anyones business who anyone is doing or how, but if you hide it like a dirty secret, it's gonna come out like a dirty secret.

I think you underestimate the expectation that people were keep their dirty laundry hidden. Especially with respected public figures, there's a discomfort that people have with their sexuality generally, i.e. the very fact that they have sexuality. A university professor of mine even once told me that a student reacted with surprise when he said he was married. She said she couldn't picture him being married. Many people just can't handle the idea that authority figures they respect are human. Maybe it undermines their sense that they're safely be protected by perfect beings in control of everything.

Seasnail 06-20-2011 06:45 PM

I think it's interesting how many posters talk about privacy (or breach of) in relation to snooping or having something to hide. If that is the only part of privacy/sharing, I can certainly understand the confusion around why some people need it more than others.

I think the need for privacy is culturally influenced, as evidenced by the way many posters spoke of how their childhoods or past experiences affect their behaviour now. I think it is also a matter of temperament, and for those who have little need, it is difficult to imagine life another way. I find this is also the case for introverts such as myself, who usually need significant amounts of rest after heavy social engagements: extroverts don't need it, and are often puzzled by the need.

I have a high need for privacy, and sometimes I have had difficulty expressing this with a partner who doen't. I'm happy enough for him to know all my passwords, check my phone messages or email for me to see who's trying to contact me, etc. But I learned not to tell him things like my bank account balance, because I didn't want him to pass that kind of information along to anyone else in passing conversation. I guess that IS something to hide, but not because I'm guilty.... it keeps me safe! But for him, that wasn't something that was private, and didn't see it as breaching my rights: he didn't even think about it until I noticed later, and wouldn't think anything of it if I shared HIS information...

Dirtclustit 11-18-2012 09:54 AM

I believe the biggest issue is not necessarily my privacy
So long as the person going through my e-mails or listening to my phones messages is a person that I trust to tell me they do it, and I trust them, the only concern is respect for other peoples privacy.

If I am corresponding with a person whom I divulge details of my life that I consider private, I would be upset if the person did not tell me (without my having to ask!)

"just so you know, both my boyfriends has access to me e-mail because we hide nothing from each other, I don't think they read every message I send or receive, but just so you know before you decide to to divulge details such as you did in such and such e-mail"

in which case I would want to know if they are the type of person that shares my views on the definition of ethics.

having no secrets with those you are intimate with I completely understand as I believe you cannot be "close" to another person whom you have to keep secrets from. As that is the only way that I believe THE most intimacy can exist between people (is to share all of their life with those they are close to) But my ethics are such that I would need to inform a person that was sharing private details that I share my password with other people. I might not be able to tell them who, in which case I would just say "I am pretty sure my so and so still occasionally reads my mail, just a heads up, while I trust them and know it would never be spoken about even anonymously, I wouldn't feel right telling you of that fact after the info you wrote me with in your last e-mail."

A pet peeve of mine is when members of a person's "chosen" family reply to me without identifying themselves as not the person whom I began corresponding with at this e-mail address. As an FYI, I consider it false impersonation to reply without a name or signature, as I give people the benefit of the doubt that they are honest, so I do not appreciate it when words read with a different voice when I am expecting so and so, it pisses me off when such and such person replies without writing, "by the way, this is such and such, not so and so."

another thing that I consider inconsiderate is posting on the web with grossly inaccurate time stamps. It doesn't bother me unless the info is presented in deceptive or manipulative ways. I love people who have a healthy sense of humor, but when you never inform the other party that the tone was joking as apposed to serious in nature, that's not humor, that is being a manipulative, controlling asshole whom I have little to no respect for.

CaliGuy 12-05-2012 05:27 PM


Originally Posted by Mohegan (Post 86546)

For me, in some ways it most definitaly comes from past trust issues.

I did check calls when I was suspicious of the affairs and for a period after I found out. But anymore I really don't care and I trust him more.

I have an overall lack of trust in people until I get to know them. I've seen too many people hurt and been hurt to much myself to just jump into something without knowing who I am jumping into it with.

I can agree with a few if your points, yes people should always be careful when meeting someone and getting to know them, however part of being human is to learn to trust others. I believe it takes years to really know someone. At one month one knows X amount about that person. At 3 months you know much more, but still only X amount, at 6 months, and then at a year, then 2, 3 and so on. Yes, don't just jump into something, but part of falling in love is the fear of falling in love itself.
Maybe I am taking this completely the wrong way, but this curiosity thing seems much more "personal based" then anything to do with curiosity and wanting to see the whole conversation. Arguments can be a good thing...

Sending my love and support your way.

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