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-   -   Privacy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10989)

Tonberry 06-15-2011 11:17 PM

I think the email thing is because I don't have it written in my email address that someone else reads my emails. So while I could tell my friends or family about someone else having access to my email, I couldn't tell strangers or people who contact me for the first time.
Even when I have asked someone to check my email for me, I asked them to tell me the sender and subject line, not to open them until I said I was fine.

It's like being recorded and listened to by someone permanently. You might start a conversation with someone who doesn't know. Unless you carry a sign that says so, you might not realise someone is going to say something very private until after they have done it, and oops, someone else heard it all.
I believe it's actually illegal in France to record someone without their permission. I think it's not even accepted as valid evidence in trials, so the common movie plot of someone hiding a recorder to trick the killer wouldn't work.

So yeah, anything second hand like that would be bad, because it's somebody else's privacy, and unless expressly told I can share a specific thing, I assume I can't share stuff (which is why I ask people if I plan to). I might share something anonymously ("this happened to someone") but never specifically.

polychronopolous 06-16-2011 12:03 AM


Originally Posted by Mohegan (Post 86469)
So this seems to be the hot debate on several threads lately. Karma and I had a long talk about it the other night as well.

Can someone explain why privacy is such a huge issue? I'm an open book. I have nothing to hide. I have no issue with Karma reading my e-mail or messages, nor do I have issue with people doing a backround check on me. I also don't care if Karma discusses me with other partners, as long as he fills me in on what was said.

I feel like I have nothing to hide so why should it be an issue?

Random person reading my mail-okay that's an issue. But not those I love and care about.

I am hoping someone can explain it to me. I feel that if someone has an issue with privacy then they have something to hide.

May not be the case, but I have no experience outside of that...which is why I am asking. I want to understand the otherside of it.

Yeah, this is exactly how I feel. I don't lock my phone at home so my wife can go into it anytime she wants. I don't not lock it for that reason, and it isn't because she requests that I do this either. I just don't have anything to hide from her so why would I care if she picks up my phone and starts reading texts, not that she does, but she could. She also knows the passwords to all my online accounts, from web sites to email.

I talk to her about everything so what difference does it make if she reads it for herself. If she decides to go poking around and gets more detail than she wanted, well, that's her problem I figure. I don't lie to her, I don't purposely withhold information, and I don't conduct myself in a manner that I would be reluctant to discuss with anyone. Granted, I wouldn't leave my email or phone open at work, but that's another unrelated issue to me.

I'd really rather spare the preliminary announcements and get into the discussion anyhow. LOL! ...Hmmm.. Maybe I should look into creating an app and/or program that forwards all my electronic correspondence to a common area. "Sorry! It totally slipped my mind! Have you been keeping up on the 'common' files? It's all in there." Heh. :D


NeonKaos 06-16-2011 12:10 AM

This reminds me of one time when there was this Asian Water Festival, and my husband was helping at it, and near the end it started pouring rain (yes, rain at the water-festival, how convenient). He ran to our truck where I was waiting and put the contents of his pockets in the driver's seat. I got bored while waiting for them to pack up the equipment, and started cleaning the truck... then I started on his wallet... which was pretty wet and full of junk. I organized his wallet (keeping any receipts and whatnot that I wasn't sure if it was important or not) and when he came back I said "Look what I did!" He said "You went through my wallet?!" and I said, "Yes, there was nothing in it except your cards and lots of soggy receipts, and a few dollars. Of course I "went through" your wallet. You're welcome." And he said "Yeah that's true. Thanks."

Karma 06-16-2011 03:39 AM


Originally Posted by Tonberry (Post 86567)
Privacy is the equivalent of nudity to a lot of people. The idea of wearing clothes vs walking around naked. The comparison won't help you understand if you also prefer walking around naked though :P

Just like to point out that Mo is, in fact, the type to waltz around the house nude without a care in the world :P

rory 06-16-2011 10:53 AM


Originally Posted by Minxxa (Post 86600)
Hubs needs his privacy, which I was always respectful of-- until the whole dishonesty, trust violations, lying thing came into the picture. And then that privacy became an issue to me because by respecting his privacy I allowed the space for him to lie to me.

I understand these kinds of feelings well, they are not unreasonable. But isn't it true that even if you do everything in your power, there will still be some space left for lies, if lying is what your partner wishes to do? :/

Minxxa 06-16-2011 01:14 PM


Originally Posted by rory (Post 86757)
I understand these kinds of feelings well, they are not unreasonable. But isn't it true that even if you do everything in your power, there will still be some space left for lies, if lying is what your partner wishes to do? :/

Yes. :) If someone is going to choose to lie to you there really is nothing you can do about it. It's not under your control. When I was younger I didn't fully understand this. I truly believed that since I was completely open and honest and because I didn't see a "reason" for someone to lie since our agreement in our relationship was pretty basic, that I thought they wouldn't. Like by creating an environment where the NEED wasn't there it wouldn't happen. LOL, ah youth.

Truth is I found that people have their own reasons for everything and they are not mine. I have more respect for that now than I did then. Like reading this thread about privacy-- everyone has different needs and views on it. I suppose really it only matters that you and whomever you're with agree on what that is between the two (or more) of you. And like everything else, sometimes someone or everyone isn't going to have it exactly the way they want it and may have to compromise a little.

Abstract 06-16-2011 01:57 PM

I feel the same way I have nothing to hide. My partner knows all my passwords to everything, phone, computer, everything. I don't mind her looking at whatever she wants....Just cause she can doesnt mean she does. Maybe by her knowing that she can, it makes her feel there is no reason too. I would like to think that she doesnt check on me, because she trust me.

I suppose for some people its tempting, like reading your sisters diary or something...

Here is my question, for the people that do check thier "others" e-mails and stuff...why do you feel the need to do that? Do you not trust them? I know if I am looking at someones private things its for one of two reasons, I came across it got curious and started to read, found it interesting or exciting....like reading someones diary, or I am trying to find something out and see if I can trust them.

If my partner came home and said just so you know I checked your e-mail today. I think I would get defensive and ask why? I would also hope that by finding nothing she felt kinda dumb for looking in the first place.

Minxxa 06-16-2011 02:28 PM


Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 86774)
Here is my question, for the people that do check thier "others" e-mails and stuff...why do you feel the need to do that? Do you not trust them? I know if I am looking at someones private things its for one of two reasons, I came across it got curious and started to read, found it interesting or exciting....like reading someones diary, or I am trying to find something out and see if I can trust them..

I think the only people here that have checked their partners email were all, at the time, being lied to and cheated on. (I could be wrong, but I don't remember anybody else saying they DID check, just that they had the info and could.)

I can only speak for myself. I did it once, and one time only, because I knew he was lying to me. It wasn't cheating, since we've always been nonmonogamous, but I've always made it clear that lying isn't acceptable to me.

It wasn't an easy time, and I felt like crap because I felt invading his privacy was wrong as well. But I had to know for sure because I "knew", but had no facts and it was driving me crazy. I figured if the information was out we'd either deal with it or break up and at that point either one was fine with me because I had lost trust and about lost my mind.

Two good things did come out of it, though. He realized that it was just easier to be honest because if I couldn't handle the honesty then we shouldn't be together anyway. And he figured out that I could always tell if he was being either dishonest, or hiding something. I just know. Once he realized that he didn't try anymore, and that opened us up in a new direction we never would have gone. And I have never done it since, nor would I again. It took a LOT for me to break that boundary the first time...

I would never read somebody's personal stuff just because I was curious, or thought it was interesting. I kind of equate it to being in a business partnership where your partner is embezzling from you. Do you just leave the partnership because of the embezzling with no proof? Do you investigate to find proof so that you can either leave the business relationship knowing the truth or deal with it? Does the embezzling person feel like you are horrible for not trusting them and searching their things? Does it make a difference if you were wrong?

Vinccenzo 06-16-2011 02:50 PM

I've had it invaded and used against me. Even where it wasn't something I felt was inappropriate. Even when it was wildly misconstrued. I've had open book situations both where a partner did look and, in my current relationship, my partner has the ability but doesn't look.

I've snooped and I've had info unintentionally shared before they wished to share it.

What I've found in all these instances is everyone I've known who super closely guarded their privacy, did so because they could not be completely above board. I'm not even going into an outright wish to hide dishonest dealings or a need to protect sensitive client info in what I'm talking about.
It was that they either wanted it for the possibility of doing something they knew others would be hurt by. Like a security blanket hiding a bunch of what if situations that may or may not ever come to pass. Or because when they did share private info, they wanted to be able to color what was going on to show them in the best possible light. I think this is where the control aspect comes in. We like to control the impression we make. The ego desires to present ourselves in the way we wish others to think of us and this isn't always who we really are.

The thing I've found about snooping is it only leads to pain for the snooper. All you find is what you'll find in anyone even yourself. We struggle to show the dark corners of who we are; they are dark because WE don't accept them any more than we know others will but it is an undeniable part of who we are. The power struggle between wanting to know all parts of our partners and letting them have the power to come to it in their own comfort and time.

serialmonogamist 06-17-2011 09:53 PM

I find it really interesting to read what journalists write when scandals like Weiner, Strauss-Kahn, or Tiger Woods are happening and what the public perception seems to be. Each sex scandal reminds me why people keep their sexuality closeted. Sexual disclosure makes people vulnerable in a way that is easy to exploit by others. Even if people just find out you like having sex missionary style with your wife within a monogamous committed relationships on saturday night after 10pm behind closed doors with the lights off, they will make little comments to let you know that they know what you do, e.g. "so how's the missionary work going?" It is ridiculous. It's like there's a general promise of harassment to anyone who doesn't keep secrets and maintain privacy.

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