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-   -   Special occasion time dedication (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=144863)

AlwaysGrowing 06-22-2020 12:10 AM

Special occasion time dedication
Hubby and I are having a slight disagreement, and I thought it would be interesting to get other opinions.

Our anniversary is coming up in about a month. Boy has agreed to babysit overnight so Hubby and I can have a kid free night. Due to coronavirus, we are just staying local but will get a hotel room that we probably won't leave other than picking up takeout.

All good, right? The disagreement comes about the night after. Boy will already be at our house. I would like him to stay another night so that I actually have a night with him too. Hubby wants him to leave because it is our anniversary weekend. Normally we would pick the kid up and then have normal whateverness, but this year the anniversary happens to fall on a weekend.

What are your thoughts? Is it a dick move to have Boy stay the night after my anniversary with Hubby?

Due to my work schedule and distance, Boy and I cannot make a mid-week date work, if that matters.

icesong 06-22-2020 12:34 AM

I mean IMO what you’re asking isn’t an unreasonable request - I’m not convinced “anniversary weekends” are a thing. But I’m _really_ not big on holidays and am pretty flexible about celebrating them as convenient and/or ignoring them as suits my mood.

GalaGirl 06-22-2020 03:18 AM

For the people who really care about holidays and anniversaries and things? It matters to them.

I think the only ones who can answer that is you and your spouse.

Me? I think I would listen to my spouse. If he wanted to celebrate the weekend (ie: 2 days)? Me hanging out with another partner isn't giving him 2 days focused attention.

So I'd prob invest in that and do anniversary day 1 with just husband. Then anniversary day 2 with husband and kid en famille.

Because sooner or later, Boy might want an "anniversary weekend" too. Then husband cannot complain about that because you are doing same for each.

And BF can't complain about it either. Because it isn't like he HAD to be the babysitter. Someone else could do it. He could have given it a pass when asked.

So listen for the feelings behind the words when your spouse is talking to you.


The disagreement comes about the night after. Boy will already be at our house. I would like him to stay another night so that I actually have a night with him too.
And this can't be some other night?

You wouldn't ditch your hubby to hang with the sitter for 2nd day of anniv would you?

Could make a separate time to have a weekend with BF.

Small things like that matter to people. Sounds like it matters to your spouse.


AlwaysGrowing 06-22-2020 04:05 AM

Our normal celebration is dinner/night away from kid then pick her up by noon the next day and life goes back to normal.

This year, Hubby wants dinner, night away, gifts, come home to kid, celebrate entire weekend.

Boy and I don't know/acknowledge our anniversary. Another night would require Boy to drive another 3 hour round trip to my place and leave at 6am the next morning for me to start work. Or, more likely, we just wouldn't have time together that week.

I'm trying to get on board with this year's intense anniversary whatever, but I'm struggling. Lol

GalaGirl 06-22-2020 05:00 AM

Well, to save Boy the drive, could a more local babysitter be found?

I get that this is different that to normal anniv with DH. Maybe pandemic is making him want more togetherness this time around?


AlwaysGrowing 06-22-2020 05:19 AM

We don't have a babysitter local. The only people we know are coworkers and the like. I'm also not comfortable with another else staying with her overnight so a different sitter would mean a few hours date instead of an overnight. Pandemic happening also means Hubby won't let anyone else around. Lol

Evie 06-22-2020 05:56 AM

I am an anniversary person. If this was a poll, I'd say give hubby the whole weekend and give Boy a whole weekend another time.

Dagferi 06-22-2020 11:38 AM

I would give hubby his weekend but the following weekend would be Boy's to spend with me.

AlwaysGrowing 06-22-2020 01:42 PM

I am working 6 days a week for the foreseeable future, except for that weekend. :D

For example, this past weekend was Boy coming over Friday evening as soon as I got off work. Boy and I cooked dinner and relaxed then he played with little girl and Hubby and I cleaned up until she had to go to bed. Boy and I watched a little tv until I was dozing on the couch then went to bed. I got up early for work. Boy and Hubby hung out a bit, sharing kid entertaining, then Boy left before I got home. Saturday afternoon/ evening and Sunday were dedicated to family activities for father's day.

Next weekend, I will drive to Boy's house after work Friday, stay the night there, and leave around noon to come home. Family time them early to work Sunday morning.

Hubby and I do a mid week date night after the kid goes to bed every week as well as just general relax/unwind together time every night. Pretty much every evening is spent as a family unless one of us has to work (1-2x a month each or so).

I'm willing to give Hubby the anniversary weekend, but I won't get similar with Boy. I don't go away from little girl for more than one overnight, and time wouldn't allow it for a while. I will 100% be cranky about it for a while, though, if Hubby doesn't actually make plans for the time. Lol

fuchka 06-22-2020 02:19 PM

Maybe you could trade some family time another weekend when Boy is visiting so you can hang out with him on Saturday after you finish work and into Sunday as well.

Also it might show appreciation to Boy to pay petrol or something to say thanks if he's coming all the way to just babysit for one night. Although that might not fit with your dynamic, of course.

I'd be curious why Hubby isn't happy to let you hang out with Boy on second night as you are getting the benefits of a child free night away due to him. Sounds like you don't have any other feasible options for babysitters. If not for Boy, you wouldn't have a sleepover date night out at all. That said, I do agree with previous posters that it's probably best to follow the lead of the person who cares the most re special dates/anniversaries. Hope you don't have any cause for resentment!

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