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-   -   Multi-partner co-habitation (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2349)

MonoVCPHG 03-20-2010 03:53 AM

Multi-partner co-habitation
Redpeper, Polynerdist , her son and I have become family. Full stop. We spend a great deal of time together and consistently work as a team to achieve family goals of various magnitudes. We enjoy our time together as a group as much as our time as individual couples. We have other people sharing in her and her husband's life and everyone seems to be quite healthy and happy. We are out to our families and their acceptance is growing. Above all we respect each other immensely and have a vested and common interest in the health and well being of their son.

Despite being a couple for only 14 months, which doesn't seem that long to some, we are extremely integrated and have spent huge amount of time together as a couple and as a family. I would hazard a guess that our actual time together rivals many who's calendar time is much longer.

So based on our approach to poly and our goals the next logical step seems to be living closer... much closer....cohabiting with me in a suite. Obviously this comes with huge benefits logistically and in the area of emotional family closeness. It also comes with some unknowns. How close is too close for their primary relationship? Is there a "too close". What about me...will I feel less wanted if I am always that close? Will it be as special to visit me in a suite as it is to drive into town to see me?

I'd love to hear other member's thoughts on this. How long would you wait? We've seen several move in situations spoil relationships. Usually they were much quicker and do to extenuating circumstances.

What are you experiences?

Peace and Love

LovingRadiance 03-20-2010 04:18 AM

There are technicalities that have to be addressed.

For me the ONLY downside to having us all living together as a family is strictly related to unresolved insecurities.

In every other aspect its positive.

As I've said previously-we've lived together (Maca, GG and I) for 7 years. My sister (ourdream) has been living here for 9 months, after being "out of the house" for the 7 previous years. But she lived with us prior to that as well.

I personally think that the benefits FAR outweigh the problems. But it is important to continue to communicate and MAKE those special moments together.

For me-hanging out in GG's room IS just as special as when he had an apartment. It's still set up just like "him" which is TOTALLY different than the way Maca and I set up things/decorate. It's still very.... secluded?

In my mind-it will be an awesome experience for you guys. The concerns I might suggest people watch for, I don't see as issues in your relationships.

booklady78 03-20-2010 04:20 AM

Ha, ha, I was just thinking about posting regarding this topic. I don't know if I could put a specific time frame on it, just doing the 'poly' thing and communicating openly about expectations and boundaries. I'm assuming you would have your own room/space/suite, whatever makes everyone comfortable.
We are considering having my bf of 7 months move into the basement suite of our duplex and I'm torn if it's too soon. He would have a completely separate suite, but it's still a big step.
I don't know you or Redpepper or Polynerdist, but I've come to respect and admire what I've seen of your lives on the forums. If you're asking for my two cents, I would say you have already a formed a family bond, it makes sense to consider making a home together.

SchrodingersCat 03-20-2010 07:01 AM

Without any personal experience to back it up, I'm reasonably confident in saying that the time frame varies for every family. Some couples can date for years and still never be ready to live together. With my husband and I, he came to hang out one night and basically never left. I was still living with my mom, and within 4 months we were moving into our own apartment. Things started great and have only gotten better.

So anyone who tries to tell you "that's too soon" is putting their own experiences into your life story, and there's no sense in that. If you all feel that you're ready then you're probably ready. From what I've seen, you all definitely have the compassion, communication, love and respect to work out whatever challenges arise. Beyond that it's basically logistics.

MonoVCPHG 03-20-2010 03:08 PM

Thanks for the replies everyone :) Each of you have given me something to think about.

I'm not naive enough to think everything will be perfect but the positives are apparently stacked pretty high in our favor. Redpepper just talked to me about looking at things from a strictly logical point, which is not a new concept for me, but does make the path to take regarding this clear. It's the emotional stuff that is creating the "snails pace" so to speak. The unknown is not a thing I enjoy but if I pretend to know what will happen later I'll probably wind up making assumptions and missing out on something bigger.

Thanks again and keep sharing, this thread is about everyone's journey :)

NeonKaos 03-20-2010 04:01 PM

The thing is, I have seen rp talk on here about how she thinks living together is not a thing for her, and how everyone needs time away from each other, their own space, and how going to your place allows her to "escape" from the drudgery of home-chores and predictability and what-not.

Then, on the other hand, I have seen her talk about how she wants you all to live together and be one big happy famblee 24/7/365.

So, while this makes absolutely no difference to me and I don't think I can add any new insights to what other people have already said, I feel that as your friend I owe it to you three to point out what I just said above.

What I suggest is for all three of you, and redpepper especially, to read over her posts from the past year or so and try to understand your self(ves) from the perspective of someone outside your dynamic.

MonoVCPHG 03-20-2010 04:24 PM

Good points Ygirl, That's what friends are for :)

maca 03-20-2010 06:17 PM

To give a slightly different point of view.... MINE.. :) of course Im Dazed and Confused :P

I have often wondered if it wouldnt be better for me and good for GG, if GG lived on his own. I have several reasons for wondering this, some of which have nothing to do with LR, myself or Poly.

Logically it makes more sense for him to be living here, but emotionally it has difficult moments , for me. I still struggle with wanting " my time" and I have moments of insecurities when I see them being affectionate.

Thing is having GG live here with us DOES afford me more time with LR. Having him here helps spread the load of bills,kids,house work, ect...

Only thing I will say to those that are thinking of "moving in" to a family setting where there are kids is that there will be attachments made to/by those kids. This is not only a commitment to the adults but also one to the kids.

Of course all situations are different and everyone/ relationship is different. In your case Mono the 3 of you are much more prepared ,IMO, to live as one family co-habitating.

Peace and Love

GroundedSpirit 03-21-2010 02:47 PM

Hey guys,

Well - I have to say that cohabitation in general is risky business. We've had considerable experience in that over the years and this is the conclusion we've come to.

If you think about the "issues" that crop up with just 2 people living together and multiply that exponentially (because that's how it works) you'll understand. It's an adjustment in our daily lives, we have to make some compromises to our "comfort" levels, and those niggling little compromises can lay dormant under the surface and fester until something else comes along and they become a full blow outbreak.

The solution we've found - along with thousands of experienced others - is to only consider it if you can guarantee there is sufficient "personal" space that can be afforded everyone. This means separate bedrooms, living space, baths and even minimal kitchen capabilities.
You will find these models working in many intentional communities where polyamory may or may not play a part. The concerns are the same, only polyamory adds additional complications- or emphasis.

In addition, I think it's important to find ways to as completely separate the bureaucratic elements from any "relationship" element as much as possible. Things like financial agreements, responsibilities, schedules etc. Treat them as much as possible as elements that stand alone, with their own - non-relationship discussions and try to avoid crossing boundaries as much as possible.

It's a tricky social dynamic and the last thing anyone wants is to have day-to-day concerns bleed over into the relationship side.

I'd recommend maybe taking some time to read up and talk with people involved and experienced in the "intentional community" community. There's much wisdom there that would probably be helpful.


LovingRadiance 03-21-2010 10:49 PM

Ok-I need to elaborate now. :)
Go figure huh?

So-one of the conversations I had with RP was about what she "see's" in regards to cohabitation, in her "mind's eye".

It's not what we have here. It's more like what I WISH we had.

In her mind's eye (As I understand it) she was describing a house-that here where we live would be more like a 4-plex apartment building.
Where Mono had an apartment, she had an apartment and polynerdist would have his own apartment (kind of like a dorm maybe?). There would be a communal kitchen/living area as well. I sort of picture it like an octogon (obviously that would leave room for others) that has straight lines drawn through the center from corner to corner. Each block of space would be an apartment for someone, and the middle section would be the communal living area.

THIS set up WOULD allow for each person to have their OWN PERSONAL home/space and allow for her to be able to go be in Mono's to "escape" as well as allowing for the group to be in closer proximity-simultaneously. It allows for the combining of expenses to some degree, while not taking away anonymity. In fact it would be GIVING her anonymity that she lacks in regards to her "home" as things are currently laid out.

I actually picture MY DREAM as being more of a commune property. Owning 20-40 acres. GG having a house on it, my sister having a house on it, Maca and I having a house on it, Maca having his own and me having my own "suite" (bdrm, bthrm, sitting rm) in that house that we share with the kids. The kids having "free range" in all the homes. Close friends like Blaidwynn and his wife and gf in a home(s) nearby, my oldest (already grown) child having a home on the property....

For the same reason-I feel that I lack a "space of my own" and I miss being able to "escape" to GG's apt. I LOVE escaping to his room still, but there is little/no privacy as things are at the moment.

But also-having my own suite would allow for me to invite GG and Maca to come to my space and sleep on either side of me at times, but not "invade" either of their "personal spaces".... something I never get that would mean the world to me.

Ok-that became a big long daydream.... ;)

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