dating and committment among secondaries

gorgeouskitten

New member
So, Im posting an on going discussion Nudge and I are having (with his permission, since we both use this board) to get other peoples perspective/insight/advice.

Nudge and I have been dating since somewhere around the begining of the year, we are both married and currently not dating anyone else. Personally, after dating a little bit besides him, I want to close our part of the relationship. He hasnt dated any other 'secondaries' besides me, and wants to date a little more, potentially on going or could possible agree to close the relationship later. (If he feels like commenting he can speak for himself on this). This makes me really uneasy and nervous, I dont want any of our time taken up by additional dating, I feel we both have precious little time as it is, and I feel like our relationship is serious enough that i want to show we have some time of commitment, and to me thats closing the relationship.

SO i guess weigh in, if im being unfair...if there are other ways to feel secure about our being committed to each other...what I could try to do to be OK with him dating, cause really right now it just makes me feel awful, whether thats remnant of monogamy or thats just me, this is my prefer model right now. Me, Nudge, and our spouses and whom ever they choose to date
 
The whole poly Fi topic kind of cracks me up ...the same arguments that are bucked against in monogamy ....are the same put forth to advocate for poly fi. Time and attention , symbolic commitment, health risks, specialness of a partner, dilution of the 'LOVE " pool.

" what I could try to do to be OK with him dating,'

What about the standard stuff we tell newbies ...Read books ( ethical slut ) ...listen to pod casts, my personal favorite get a hobby :D
 
the irony is not lost on me dingedhart! ive even thought, does my husband feel this way some? (as i asked to be poly, he agreed). Despite the irony, its still how i feel. Ive read the ethical slut, and i revist the chapter of jealousy...i also didnt realize at the start of this journey id WANT polyfi. silly me i guess
 
Here's how it reads to me:

  • Nudge and I have been dating since somewhere around the begining of the year, we are both married and currently not dating anyone else.
  • At this time, Nudge wants to continue to date other people. He is not willing to close.
  • At some later time down the road, Nudge said could be open to considering closing.
  • At this time, I feel we both have precious little time as it is (together.)
  • At this time, I don't want to have to think about sharing that time with other people he might date in future.
  • At this time, I would like to close the relationship and for Nudge and I to stop dating other people.
SO i guess weigh in, if im being unfair.

To who? Each of you wants what you want at this time.

That they are not the matching, same wants? That is neither fair or unfair. That is "not matching, same wants at this time."

Could not get bogged down in evaluation of "fairness" or "unfairness."

You seem have talked it over and he's given you his response. At this time he wants to continue to date other people. At this time he is not willing to close. At some later time, he might be.

You find you still have unmet need. So asking to Close wasn't really IT was it?

if there are other ways to feel secure about our being committed to each other...what I could try to do to be OK with him dating, cause really right now it just makes me feel awful.

Sounds like "fear of scarcity" talk like "I am afraid there will be no time left for me!"

I'd like to point out you could agree to Close and not date anyone else. Then he goes bowling every night... and you still have no guaranteed time with him.

Could focus better on your need, and then what you would like to change to help meet the need, and make the request.


I don't know if those could help you.

You need seems to be "I need to feel safe. I need to know this relationship matters to both of us."

The behavior you want from him to meet the need? Maybe you want him to set time aside guaranteed for you. To demonstrate his commitment to help maintain your shared relationship even while he dates others because your safety and your shared relationship matters to him? Seems easier to ask for that.

"Could you be willing to guarantee me a date (every week/month/whatever pattern) for the next X months? To demonstrate your commitment to help maintain our shared relationship even while you date others? So I could feel safe and secure in our own relationship and not be afraid to share your time with other people you date on other days? Because my well being and our shared relationship matter to you?"​

Could see if he is willing to do that or not. Go from there.

Galagirl
 
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I would not personally close any of my relationships and yes, I do think it would be terribly unfair if I had a partner who was married and they wanted me (their secondary) to only see them.
 
He hasnt dated any other 'secondaries' besides me, and wants to date a little more, potentially on going or could possible agree to close the relationship later. (If he feels like commenting he can speak for himself on this). This makes me really uneasy and nervous, I dont want any of our time taken up by additional dating, I feel we both have precious little time as it is, and I feel like our relationship is serious enough that i want to show we have some time of commitment, and to me thats closing the relationship.

SO i guess weigh in, if im being unfair...if there are other ways to feel secure about our being committed to each other...

Yes, quite frankly, the way you put what you want makes you sound possessive, very insecure, unreasonable, and a tad immature. It is his life, not yours, and you only need to worry about YOUR relationships, not his. You've been dating for less than a year - you're still getting to know each other. He should not have to get permission from you to be in as many relationships as he can manage. If you're concerned about STIs, take whatever precautions make you feel comfortable. If you want to have a guarantee of a set amount of days or hours with him, all you can do is request it and if he wants the same thing, it will be up to him to see if he can meet your request. If you become disappointed in how he runs his relationship with you, then examine why and speak up about it. But you don't get a say in how he runs his other relationships. And dictating to him how many people he can be with isn't your place. His having other relationships does not necessarily mean you will be shortchanged in your own with him. And in reality, if you're insecure, you're insecure - nothing he does or doesn't do will help your own sense of security and esteem, etc.

Feeling secure does not have anything to do with the type or number of relationships you have - it's an inside job. You need to feel secure in yourself and not be so needy of other people to reassure you and make you feel valued.
 
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I would not personally close any of my relationships and yes, I do think it would be terribly unfair if I had a partner who was married and they wanted me (their secondary) to only see them.

and his wife of course. but point taken. my own spouse just gave me an earful about how my feelings on this were not in fairness to Nudge, as I have dated and for all i know could want to again. He HAS committed time to me and does on a regular basis. I guess this is more about my own insecurity than our time together
 
He HAS committed time to me and does on a regular basis. I guess this is more about my own insecurity than our time together

If he ALREADY gives you guaranteed time together (I thought he didn't before in my initial reply), then I don't know what more you might want that you could ask for that he could be willing to give you at this time.

I do not know if you can change schedules to have more time together. Could you? Or are you at a limit for the time available?

Can you articulate what it is you want? What was Closing supposed to achieve/relieve you of? What is your unmet need?

Some of that "show commitment" thing can only come through the passage of time. You see/know he's committed because... he's here. Day after day. The days go 24 hrs at a time. No more, no less. Can't make them run faster.

Baffled,
Galagirl :confused:
 
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Clarify please?

If you are feeling concern about losing time-I would suggest scheduling time.

If you are feeling insecure about the relationship and potential other partners-time to do some introspection on yourself.

If you are feeling uneasy dealing with "new"-face it and communicate through it-new always turns into old over time.


How to manage the issue depends entirely upon what the real issue is. Because what will help with one won't help with another.
 
Feeling secure does not have anything to do with the type or number of relationships you have - it's an inside job. You need to feel secure in yourself and not be so needy of other people to reassure you and make you feel valued.

Raaooowrrrr!

That's Wookie for "well said, madam, I like the cut of your jib and would fancy a pint with you at your leisure"
 
Ah, much love to you all as usual.

TO GG and LR, to clarify...I guess Im feeling insecure. I dont have any unmet needs...hes flat out wonderful. We spend more time together lately, hes attentive and sweet (i hope hes reading this..haha) and I know he loves me.
I guess i dont get why HE needs to date, what need is he looking for? is there something me or wife isnt doing? Or am I gonig against my own poly nature by questioning someones need for multiple partners? those are rhetorical questions.

Marcus, thank you for making a star wars reference on my post. you rock.
 
If you are insecure, your unmet need is to feel secure and safe. at the very minimum.

You could read the need inventory and circle the things you think you need to help you articulate and figure yourself out. Once you know the unmet needs, you can divvy them up by WHO. WHO would you like to meet the need? You? DH? Nudge?

I guess i dont get why HE needs to date, what need is he looking for? is there something me or wife isnt doing?

If you need reassurance that you are meeting his needs, you could ASK HIM.

Or am I going against my own poly nature by questioning someones need for multiple partners?

That sounds like it could be core belief -- "I am not enough."

Like...

"He's got wife for wife-ness and me for GF-ness so what's he need more GF's for? I must not be enough GF for him."
"I sometimes feel wiggy. I must not be poly enough."

You seem to connect things a lot that don't need to connect and then crank yourself up in your head thinks.

This does not seem to have anything to do with your poly nature directly. This seems to be about your "secure."

Your "secure" with what?

  • Trusting his word?
  • The relationship being too new still to feel "stable" yet?
  • Your perceived worth/value as a person?
  • Your confidence in your ability to practice poly?
  • How you think about yourself/talk to yourself in your head cranking you up?
  • A combo? Something else?

I dunno. Could spend some time thinking on that. Could sort yourself out.

Galagirl
 
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hmm...i do work myself up in my head regularly dont i? thanks for pointing that out. (thats sincerity, not sarcasm)
 
I dont have any unmet needs...hes flat out wonderful. I guess i dont get why HE needs to date.

There doesn't necessarily need to be some kind of deficit to want another partner or fling. Sometimes we just want "more" and I like being with someone who will go out and get it if that's what they want. Just because I don't happen to want "more" at the moment has nothing to do with how they feel.

As far as the available time, that is a difficulty in life. If he decides he wants to take on a new hobby are you planning to tell him he can't do that? If he meets a new group of friends who do "guy things" a couple of times a week do you plan to tell him he has "enough friends"? Sometimes we don't get as much time with our loved ones as we would like. If that is the case, we should try to schedule in time with them, ask them out for drinks, come up with a hobby that we enjoy together, etc. What we should *not* do is try to restrict their lives so that they have enough time to sate our insecurities.
 
You know, realistically, I could never probably have the time for more than two committed relationships at a time. However, having the option to have more, ie not having a closed relationship, is really important to me. He might be the same.
 
Since there doesn't seem to be any problems with actual scheduling and how much time you get, it does seem pretty foolish to ask him to close the relationship, at least when doing so comes from a place where you think it is going to address a concern you are having . Your comments typically sound like you know better than to take an irrational approach to solving your insecurity problems, so this post sort of seems out of character, at least from what I've read of the words you share on the forum.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to close your relationships, so it always kind of irks me when people need to mention all the "wrong" attributes of monogamous viewpoints, all of us get decide how we want to live, it's up to each of US as individuals and whether or not the people we choose to be in relationships with decide to accept the love a person offers.

There really isn't any reason to buck any style of relationship that people choose to live, you don't need any excuse to exercise the freedom to choose how you are going to have intimate relationships. The whole "this way is right" and another way is "wrong" is for anyone to say except for in our lives. If one of the reasons a person is non-monogamous, is because mono people have try to own each other, you might want to think about a reason you are polyamorous without having to justify it. There is absolutely no reason to justify your relationships by identifying how yours are right and someone else is wrong. Choose what you happy in life. The poly is right and mono is wrong attitude is the basis for the reason why people have to struggle just to be themselves, as the world is just now beginning to start taking a serious look at holistic civil rights.

I firmly believe that anytime you attempt to address problems in your life or relationships that have an element of denial in your planned solution will end up causing problems -- and not ultimately solving anything -- but rather compounding the issue. And if there is a real issue, solutions that started with denial will make addressing the issue successfully later on even harder because you are already making the root of the problem more hidden when your game plan is to go the easy route.

Anytime we justify the more "convenient" point of view simply because we don't feel like really addressing the issue, it is just going to ultimately add more dissatisfying aspects to your life, so I would take an honest look at what is really bothering you, and sometimes that takes many attempts to do. It's good to set the thought down and come back to it later so that your self-reflection happens from different emotional states or moods, at least that is what helps me be more honest with myself. It really isn't easy to do, and it is a practice, when some part of life feels dissatisfying to the point where you are thinking about taking action, make sure you identify the real problem and choose a more effective way to deal with it. Addressing the real issue will always be better for you in the long run. Sometimes you get lucky and the effective action is convenient, you just don't want to be taking the easy way out when it may not be as related to the problem as much as you initially believe, our emotions can get US to lie to ourselves if we aren't paying attention.

So take the time to figure out exactly what feels wrong or is making you insecure, sometimes it doesn't even require action, just don't get into the habit of solving problems by not addresing the issue, it's the same thing as feeling the need to be "correct" and "right" about the style of dynamic you choose to have in your relationships in your life. You don't need any excuses or reason to justify how you engage others, it is OK to do it your way simply because you feel like it.

But you'd be doing yourself a favor if you knew the real reasons behind your emotions, as that enables you to understand authentic emotions as opposed to training yourself to fool yourself

You don't have to be "right" or "correct" you just want to find a way to live that you know without any doubt will leave you content and satisfied, and that can be anything and anyway you choose, whatever you identify that makes you genuinely happy to live, along with those who choose to share their life with you
 
I happen to have a personal limit to no more dating for myself-because I don't have time.
But-I reserve the RIGHT to date others.

It's about trust and openness and not having someone else control me. It's not about unmet needs.
 
I guess i dont get why HE needs to date, what need is he looking for? is there something me or wife isnt doing? Or am I gonig against my own poly nature by questioning someones need for multiple partners? those are rhetorical questions.

I don't understand why you feel the need to figure this out, nor that there should be any reason other than "he wants to." Maybe he feels he's got a lot of love to give, maybe he feels that there are so many fabulous women in the world that he shouldn't limit himself if another one comes along, maybe he's just a horndog - what does it have to do with you? Is it okay for you to date more if you want, but he can't even be open to it? Does he question why you need to be with him in addition to your husband? Is he supposed to kiss the ground where you stand and express the utmost gratitude that you came into his life because now he can stop looking? It all sounds super insecure to me, hon. I think you would do well to keep looking at that.
 
I guess i dont get why HE needs to date, what need is he looking for? is there something me or wife isnt doing? Or am I gonig against my own poly nature by questioning someones need for multiple partners? those are rhetorical questions.

Why does anyone else do anything else? Focusing on why someone else does what they do can be a futile endeavor and counterproductive to the health of a relationship.

When I find myself obsessing and trying to figure out and control someone else's thoughts, beliefs, decisions, behaviors etc. it is usually a sign that I need to start focusing on myself again.

Back to square one.
 
Thanks guys. you are all very right that I'm being insecure, and its kinda weird. Im actually feeling better about it as he has suggested some more social activities we can do together...I guess I was kind of feeling like our relationship was always us alone and i am a VERY social person, so instead of saying "Nudge, lets me more social" my head went "nudge! dont go be social without me!" lame on me, but Ive come around and am working on it with him.

Why the hell else am I insecure? i dunno, but im working on it :)
 
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