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-   -   Suggestion for new section of the Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7537)

nycindie 03-06-2011 09:55 PM

Suggestion for new section of the Forum

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 69779)
Sent my husband a link to start researching poly and light BDSM.

This just reminded me... I've often thought that a separate forum here for "BDSM and Poly" would be a good idea. There are lots of people newly discovering both polyamory and this site who might find all the BDSM talk that gets intertwined here in poly topics a bit off-putting. It is a subset, I think, not an automatic part of being poly.

I don't wish to offend anyone into BDSM, but I personally find it frustrating when someone posts a question about poly relationships that looks interesting or like something I can relate to, from seeing the subject, and then I read it and it's about a Master/Slave dynamic or some BDSM flavor that I cannot wrap my head around nor contribute to. Not to say that my input is needed in every thread -- I don't mean to come off as that arrogant. And I know it's a personal prejudice of mine, possibly coming from IDing as a feminist, that makes me bristle when I read a woman calling someone Master, people talk about humiliating their partner, or capitalizing the words "He" and "Him" when referring to their mate, even though I know it's all consensual -- and so my bias is certainly something I am willing to look at, as well as learning more about BDSM. I'm fairly open-minded and yet admit to having my own inhibitions.

But I still think it could be a good idea to have a distinct area for BDSM, simply in order to make the General Discussion and New to Polyamory sections more appealing to a wider group of newbies. Plus I am sure there are plenty of experienced poly people not interested in any aspect of BDSM, who don't want to read about it, and plenty of people into BDSM who might appreciate a dedicated space for discussing it. Just a thought. Anyone else think this is a good idea?

FlameKat 03-06-2011 11:51 PM

thumbs up for this one... same reasons too

River 03-07-2011 03:16 PM

Yup, Same reasons too.

Charlie 03-07-2011 03:20 PM


Melnkof 03-07-2011 03:23 PM

Have to agree.

River 03-09-2011 06:50 PM

I'm no longer a moderator or administrator here, so I'm not privy to any "official" talk regarding the above recommendation. It would be nice to know if the suggestion is being considered.

Rarechild 03-10-2011 06:24 PM

Does it really happen that often? Hmm, I know I see it, but have not felt as if the site was flooded with it. There's plenty of stuff I could care less about that I start reading and then stop because I can't relate/ don't give a rat's ass, what have you, so I just stop reading.

Also, would creating an index topic for BDSM on the boards attract more hits and more attention to our website as BDSM?

Consider it being considered, but consider that a minute.

nycindie 03-10-2011 08:21 PM

Well, there's a separate section for Spirituality, which I rarely visit myself, but I notice it only has 30 threads. However, I am sure the people who participate in that section are grateful to have a dedicated space for discussions of that type. I think people well-versed in BDSM might appreciate a dedicated area, too.

Yes, BDSM comes up a lot here, in waves sometimes, but a lot, I think. There are people who are in that lifestyle who come here looking for answers on making poly & BDSM work together and it seems that the info they need is very specific to the BDSM dynamic with which they engage. I have found myself contributing to threads like that, just replying on the basis of what I know about regular relationships -- and then other members who are familiar with or actively involved with BDSM contribute, but their responses are completely different from what I would expect, because they are usually addressing dominance and submission or humiliation dynamics, which are definitely not what someone in a "non-BDSM" partnership would need or want to hear. It's a little frustrating to think that I understand what someone is going through, only to learn that it's about a role they've taken on in a dynamic I know nothing about. I would think that with my experience in relationships and dating, and the numerous relationship workshops I've participated in since the 80s, I could contribute or relate to it -- but I can't because it's so specific.

Although I have come to be more accepting about it, I must admit that in the beginning of my coming here, all the BDSM talk here really turned me off and almost made me want to stop visiting. I absolutely hated reading a thread with the expectation that someone wanted to know about how to handle a relationship, and so on, to find out that it was all about "power exchanges" and some aspect of BDSM that the poster had going on, which completely made it impossible for me to understand or relate to. It's a different world, so to speak. And though there are some kinky things that appeal to me in the bedroom, BDSM does seem to require a certain accumulation of specific knowledge. Personally, I tried and will continue to learn more about it, but I doubt very much I will ever get into that kind of play or be able to offer any insight to anyone about that kind of relationship. I don't want a new section just for my satisfaction, though. I know there are other members not into BDSM at all, who may perhaps feel comfortable contributing if they knew BDSM was contained, so to speak, and they could investigate it when they wanted to read about it, rather than having it pop up all over the place.

Fortunately, I found so much here that is valuable, so I stayed. But I think there are people out there who want to learn about polyamory who may not be able to get past the BDSM talk that pops up so often in the General Discussion and New to Poly areas. For some people it's really kinky to have sex with the lights on, so imagine them investigating poly -- which would be a total turn-around in and of itself -- and seeing someone say they are "researching poly for their Master" (as an example) could be too far out there for them, and they might not come back here and get answers out there that could help them with polyamory.

I have seen other poly-focused boards with a section for BDSM. I just think it would make this site have broader appeal to new people. I'll be fine if a new section for it doesn't happen, but would like it to be given serious consideration. Thanks!

MrFarFromRight 03-10-2011 11:24 PM

I've got involved / contributed to a thread or two that I found interesting and which I later realised were about relationships based on BDSM. I wonder if the comments I made were seen by more clued-in members as being very naive.

Like nycindie, I'd say that it's a personal thing with me: that, considering myself (among other definitions) a feminist, I find it hard to imagine a master/slave dynamic as having much to do with love and mutual respect. I KNOW that everybody's got a perfect right to make their own life decisions... but I don't necessarily have to agree that those life decisions are emotionally / psychologically healthy. I once knew a guy who used to burn his arms with lit cigarettes. Sure he had a right to do that, but I doubt that he was very happy with himself.
I'm going to draw down scorn on my head for this, but I worry about people who NEED to dominate/humiliate others - or who NEED to be dominated/humiliated. And I'd be willing to repeat that sentence substituting "get their kicks when they" for "NEED to". (Even if it is "only a role game with strictly observed rules".) Sorry (not actually sorry:rolleyes:), but that's not my idea of love.

I would definitely be against setting up a BDSM ghetto on here. But a ghetto is where you're confined. If there was a BDSM section - as nycindie suggests - that doesn't prevent them from wandering over the rest of the site. It just means that topics with a heavy BDSM slant were where those interested could easily find them... and others who don't want to read those topics could stay away.

Ariakas 03-11-2011 11:01 PM

I will counter the request...

Not a fan of splitting it out. Most come here because their problems or challenges are poly. They have already likely been on a site like fetlife. While poly is accepted in the fetish community it has its own twists and turns. Most believe in the M/s dynamic strictly. I have found... most of the time, when fetish people are coming here its because they realize how complex the poly/bdsm dynamic is going to be, especially in a 24/7 life. They are almost... contradictory. But they can be intertwined. Not to mention a lot of poly people play with some and have sex with others. At what point is that poly and not bdsm. In BDSM where the rules are relatively simple... poly throws in a huge giant wrench.

This is an Example (I so don't want to be a master) - If I ever take a slave but my problem is overall related to poly. Lets say my slave doesn't like my wife. Where does the problem lie. BDSM or Poly? What happens if my slave wants to take a partner, but I want to "allow" that to happen but am having poly problems.

Other poly boards do have an area for kink and bdsm but thats usually to discuss the fun stuff like floggers and rope bondage. The relationship struggles of a bdsm/poly dynamic are still a poly thing... not a "how badly do I want to leave marks on your body" thing. At least on the 3 boards I have visited.

As for if its a bad vs good thing... well I will leave that to people who care more. Its like playing basketball except its a sexual fun instead of an athletic one. If you don't get it.. *shrugs* its really not my problem. I find it a pot calling kettle black kind of thing coming from poly people...

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